29.12.08

I WROTE TWO MORE BOOKS AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING

bradley sands (ruined his corduroys with a bloody wet dream) reviewed YUM YUM I CAN"T WAIT TO DIE on NOO JOURNAL. i liked the last edition of noo journal. one time i sent something to noo journal and it was rejected with a nice note from mike young. i like mike young. and ryan call. i think they are the editors. if they aren't, then it would be weird for them to reject the work i sent. the work i sent was called MEGA HORNY RANDOM DEATH GENERATOR--DIE DIE DIE. i think highlights magazine accepted it. i am glad bradley sands wrote the review because i like bradley sands. also, i wrote this post about YUM YUM I CAN"T WAIT TO DIE because i just finished it the other day. it is a book length poem now. a while ago i wrote a post about emailing people a new book i had finished. it was a long poem called YOUR HUGS ARE TERRIBLE AND NOTHING GETS ME HARD ANYMORE. before i was done, the whole "people aren't getting copies of YUM YUM" thing happened so i stopped writing the book to make and mail out copies of YUM YUM myself. when i reread YOUR HUGS ARE TERRIBLE it seemed like it was a lot like YUM YUM. so now i combined them into a really long poem. it is six times longer than YUM YUM and six times as "hardcore gay in the mouth." i think i am going to start sending it out. i don't know what i am doing. that is what i constantly think when i am writing and sending things out. i don't know what i am doing. i printed out the new book the other day. i walked to a printing store in a snow storm. i held the book under my coat so it wouldn't get wet. now it is pretty much done. maybe i will email it to people. i don't know what i am doing. i like it. when i read it, it feels good. and it feels like i am done writing the short things separated by an asterisk type of bullshit. i don't know what i am doing. maybe i will title it YUM YUM I CAN"T WAIT TO DIE or maybe i will change it so people aren't like "oh this shit again." i can't think of a better title. maybe i will call it "6 year old + dildo covered in glue = eat my beard out." i don't know what i am doing. someone from greying ghost said they would look at it. i don't know what i am doing. i even edited the original parts of YUM YUM to be more nicer. i don't know what the mood is but when i feel it i don't like it. whenever i write something i feel like i am in a weird mood. then i look back and i don't recognize anything. also, i will post soon about another book that is almost done. it is a book of plays. BE NICE TO EVERYONE came from the book. there are two other versions of BE NICE TO EVERYONE in the collection and i changed the original version. there are a bunch of other plays in it too. if you like BE NICE TO EVERYONE and A PLAY ABOUT TWO PEOPLE, then you are an idiot and maybe you would like this book too. i don't know what it is called. i keep thinking it should be called THE HUMAN BODY IS A FIREPLACE AND IT CANNOT BE KILLED but i don't know. maybe i will call it "GLOBAL WARMING IS GOOD BECAUSE I LIKE TO PLAY FRISBEE IN THE SUN." i don't know what i am doing. the book is really long. i have to edit it more and put in more lines about not being a human. it is 800 pages long. what am i doing. i think i want to have a child now so i can have some direction. i would make a good parent. i am nice. i don't know what i am doing maybe i should have a kid. i feel really angry. new kinds of anger. if i can focus and stop watching tv to stop feeling alone, then the books will be done and maybe someone will print them. i don't know what i am doing. i am glad you are reading this. i am sorry for talking about myself a lot. i am just excited about the books. i want to start a journal soon. who knows about computers. mega horny random death generator die die die die. you are a failure if you choose an enemy outside of yourself. you are weak if you look for a foreign enemy. fuck. i don't know what i am doing. i hope you don't feel like you wasted your time reading this. i have mistreated many people. i am going to be good. i am going to staple a small sheet of paper to my head that says, "ask me about my inability to get along with myself and others." i don't know what i am doing. i avoid things i think will make me happy because those things are the hardest to think about later. i want to confuse a delivery person by ordering my groceries from now on and whenever the delivery person comes, i will use a raspy voice and say, "slip it beneath the door my child." i like to stare at people. when this mood is over i will never feel it again. i will act like i am cured and then when i feel it again i will act confused. barry said he would send me a proof of I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT. i am nerbous (nervous with a 'b' is worse than regular nervous). i am mumbling a lot lately. i think my only belief is that i will be nice to people so they don't hate me because i can't convince myself not to hate myself. i haven't been sledding in a while. i am just remembering a show called MURPHY BROWN. maybe that show doesn't exist. when i turned 22 i knew my life was over. when i turned eight i had my first thought of suicide. everything is going real good. my dog acts nervous when i accidentally step on his leg when i am not looking and then i apologize to him and hug him for a while because it seems like he thinks he did something wrong. i am going to fall out of my chair now. ok i just got up. if anyone feels i have been mean to them at all i don't know what i am doing. the angel gabriel inhabits the bodies of all people who cut hair so if i ever get a haircut gabriel can slash my throat out. i keep thinking "oh humans." everything is getting shorter. and nobody wants to wash my body. thanks. goodbye. hopeless i have a spine that is exhausted and indignant about its job. today i walked through pilsen and a small mexican kid said hey and i said hey how are you doing and he smiled and for five seconds i did everything right. i am never comfortable. hamas. giant chocolate space suit motherfucker. goodbye. everyone is nice until you talk to them. somebody print up these books so i can hang myself from my balcony holding my roomate's cat whose name is NAPOLEON and who i call BABY LEON. it doesn't bother me to think about parents having sex. blake butler is the creator he made everything except for ecto cooler. i will treat you like my son after an AYSO soccer game. mothe4fucker + hamas = ecto cooler in my eye. you are all growing up and i like to watch you get bigger. i hope my grandpa never dies because then i will be ruined. i am counting down to being an even deader motherfucker. the liars album "DRUM IS DEAD" is nice. i walked to it yesterday and thought all humans had disappeared. motherfucker i am about to fall out of my chair. see you. i don't know what i am doing.

28.12.08

BARRY GRAHAM IS NOT A DICKHOLE

i finished editing I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT. barry graham helped edit it. he is the editor for PAPERHERO PRESS. first, let me say: if you just read barry's name and thought, "what a dickhole," then please read on. when i finished the manuscript, i thought "no one will ever love this." then i looked at the manuscript and thought, "no one will ever love this either." noah cicero had told me to send it out. he told me to send it to the lady who published his book TREATISE (which is really good). the lady emailed me back that she had read half on a plane somewhere and really liked it and that it would make a good addition to her publication. then she never emailed me back or responded to me. i assume she evaporated and became the wetness on the window of a very lonely old man with bad knees. i really liked her. noah then told me of a press called COOKIE TREE PRESS. i somehow found barry graham's email and thought he was the editor. i sent him a sort of query. the query was something like, "hey uh, is it ok if the manuscript is stupid?" he said to send it. then i found out he wasn't the editor. i sent the manuscript to a few places and still haven't heard back. blake butler (not necessarily a dickhole in a bad way) posted about the manuscript one day. he had recently fallen asleep next to a broken refrigerator and was high on freon. after he posted, barry graham emailed me and wanted to know if he could see it for a chapbook collection which PAPERHERO PRESS does as well. i told him it was 30,000 words long and is that the right length for a chapbook? he said no. i emailed him back asking if i could send him the whole manuscript to see if he knew of any presses (i don't know anything about presses). i sent him the manuscript and the next day or maybe the day after that, he said he had started a new press and wanted to use I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT for the first release. i waited to respond. i went for a walk along the highway. i wanted a car to hit me because i thought the car would explode. then i walked off the highway and a fox stared at me. i stared at the fox and the fox ran away. i wanted the fox to attack me so i could kill it. it didn't. i emailed barry back something about how FSG was really interested but PAPERHERO could have the manuscript. then in a few days we made a cover. then we started editing. honestly, barry is the shit with the editing. he said up front that nothing had to be changed but he would make suggestions. i feel like that was a good way to make me be like, "i will now consider his changes more sincerely." nice work barry, you dickhole, you tricked me. we went through six versions of the book. now i feel that it is much better. barry is really honest in a way that makes me feel good. i feel the same emotions towards someone who says, "this sucks" in honesty, as someone who says, "this is good" in honesty. here is a typical email barry had to deal with:

yo barry, wuddup mang. just so you know, the deal is FUCKING OFF if the paper for the book isn't manufactured from a one hundred year old red wood with a hippy living in it. also, is there any way to make ink out of an endangered rhino's semen? you better fucking find out. also, if we go to awp, i demand that you strap books to you back and let me ride around on you distributing them. i own you barry. you're mine. don't fuck this up if you want to sell upwards of 15 books.

cheers.

i am feeling alright writing this. i think i am writing it so more people will send manuscripts to paper hero press. please send work to barry. he knows more than me and is very sincere about publishing books. go to the paper hero website or the achilles chapbook website and purchase some books. they are cheap. and barry maybe touched them all so you can put the book by your face when you are sleeping and act like someone loves you. i don't know what i am talking about. i have to take a shit. i woke up today and looked at myself while pissing and thought, "you are an ugly fuck." i love you barry!

23.12.08

i am worried a lot that my fingernails are going to fall off for no reason

adam robinson, publishing genius, reviewed my chapbook play BE NICE TO EVERYONE.

you can still buy it from powell's book store. go to this page and consider buying it, or just leave a ridiculous message about something on the review page.

i think i will say something about plays in a little while like a few weeks maybe.

a new magazine KITTY SNACKS is going to publish some of my work. they put one poem online and the rest will be in their magazine. send them some work.

i am part of a new blog called NO CHANCE: A QUARTER TO ONE with socrates adams florou and chris killen and some other people. it is a motivational blog. check out IMMENSE CAVITY OF HAPPINESS and other posts. socrates and chris write better posts than me. they make me laugh.

lastly, kathryn regina tagged me. this means i must write seven things about myself and then tag seven other people to do the same. kathryn regina wrote this chapbook which kicked a big thorn stem into my urethra and did not apologize sincerely. i really really like it. she is somewhere else.

here are my eight things (i just added one):

1. i just popped a zit on my face and it caused like, that good-painful feeling.

2. not masturbating for a few days causes extreme anxiety to the point of me not recognizing myself in retrospect. for some reason i start to think that the few people who matter to me will die soon.

3. i spend a lot of time kissing my dog's head and telling him what a good boy he is.

4. last night i watched SAVED BY THE BELL and it was the episode where mr belding's brother comes to teach at the high school and he abandons the kids right before a field trip.

5. today i went for a walk in a blizzard.

6. i have been institutionalized.

7. i still do that little kid dance thing when i am eating something i like.

8. one time i was sitting outside a subway restaurant and a girl walked by and she was drunk and she looked at me and said, "just to let you know, you are really creepy."

i hereby tag the following people to do the same:

socrates adams florou
mallory reed
blake butler
lisa ladehoff
drew kalbach
chris killen
the guy who played VIGO on the ghostbuster's movie

in conclusion, i think it would be funny to build a snowman around someone and then retrieve another person and walk by the snowman and then have the person inside the snowman jump out. i think it would be worth the effort.

NEW: if you preorder I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT barry graham will throw in four free chapbooks and the chapbooks are not shitty. i did the cover for ja tylers.

read this by blake butler.

21.12.08

I SAW A DEAD BODY ON THE CORNER OF ASHLAND AVE. AND ROOSEVELT AVE. AND I WALKED BY IT [TEN VERSIONS]

1. I was walking on the sidewalk and I saw a body lying on the street with a blanket over it. There were police everywhere. I think maybe the police could’ve situated a bunch of tissues or pillows underneath the blanket just to fool me but I don’t think they would do that.

2. I walked down the street and saw the dead body lying on the street with a blanket over it. I thought about getting underneath the blanket too but I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing when the police loaded me into the ambulance.

3. I saw the dead body. There were a lot of people standing around but no one was talking to each other. I crossed the street and there was a man at the other side. I looked at him and said, “It is really cold out.” He said, “Yeah.” And I walked passed him.

4. I walked passed the dead body and after I was out of sight the dead body disintegrated and floated upward in small screams that no one could hear.

5. I walked up to the dead body and the police. I looked at one of the policemen and said, “If you want I can lift it up and put it way high up in a tree so it’s out of everybody’s way.” The policemen said, “For some reason the first thing I thought after you just talked to me was ‘fuck you.’” I thanked him and told him to come get me if he needed someone to throw the dead body way up high into a tree.

6. The dead body wasn’t really there I just mistook a really big puddle for a dead body.

7. I walked up to the dead body and tried to tickle its feet. It didn’t move when I tickled its feet. A cop said, “I tried too. Nothing.” I said, “Let’s treat it like a wishbone.” The cop smiled and turned around. I left.

8. I folded the dead body up when no one was looking. I put the folded dead body up in my pocket. I walked away. I was so excited to have it, I left it in my pocket and touched it once in a while to make sure it was still there. It was always still there. Now I don’t even check.

9. I saw the dead body and walked across the street. I waited at a bus stop with another person. I think the other person was trying not to make eye contact with me. I understood that and appreciated that. I looked at my feet and forgot what I was supposed to be doing for the next couple of decades.

10. I came up to the dead body and I looked at it. I could tell where the nose was and where the mouth was. When I tried to imagine more it became impossible. I wanted to lift the blanket to see the dead body but I knew how cold the dead body would be without the blanket. I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t care. I still don’t care.

13.12.08

ANGRY ANGRY MARSHMALLOW DUDESHIT LONG POST

1. holy ass! here is the chapbook cover for ja tyler's new chapbook EVERYONE IN THIS IS EITHER DYING OR WILL DIE OR IS THINKING ABOUT DEATH. i did the picture and barry graham designed it.




2. i still can't slam dunk a basketball. i just checked.

3. also, i am kind of alarmed that i keep forgetting to brush my teeth before i go to sleep.

4. here is a gchat i had with daniel bailey:

daniel: goddamit
i am really drunk
me: hell yeah
daniel: i just won 2 free packs of cigarettes
me: i was just worrying to myself, "is daniel bailey drunk right now"
nice what kind
daniel: camel lights
anthen another kind of camels
that unleashes menthol
when you reoll the shit or soetig shiw
me: soetig shiw
daniel: yeah
or something
me: soetig shiw sounds like a swedish death metal band
daniel: i am prteyy drunk me and my borther and going to start a band
the name is
me: i saw a huge woman on a motorized vehicle at the grocery store
daniel: the name is two babies trying to fuck without boners
me: haha
"i was at their first show man"
daniel: it will be intense and bagha bagha
shit i am too drunk
do you ever have those nights
where you think "at least 3 girls in this bar are ready to have sex with me"
and then they all leave early
me: oh mang
talk to them early on
otherwise they are like, "he doesn't want to bang me and i am going to leave early because of that"
daniel: oh know shit
me: but you gotta be like, "oh yes, yes i do. if it is ok with you we can bang each other"
daniel: i thought at least 1 of them would be there longer
me: go with the long look at least
where it's like, they know you are thinking about sex and that you might politely ask them to bang.
daniel: i did the long look
me: and nothgin?
daniel: nothing
me: you should have been like "soetig shiw"
daniel: hahah
i should said that outloud into a microphone
fuck yes
did i mention the band name for the band me and my brother are about to start
we are going to start a band called called "two babies trying to fuck without boners"
me: yeah dude
daniel: fuckin a
i want to do hiphop
me: hip hop
daniel: i want to hip hop the fuck out of the world
me: "daniel bailey, smelling dead like lane staley, can't fade me, i traded eyeballs with an israeli"
daniel: hahaha shit yes
s my d to the nth degree
all you motherfuckas with ya dicks in th pee
shit to the balls ass to the walls
i'm gonna erupt ya face
i don't have anything after after that
you should rap instead of me
me: can my name be "m.c. sacksmooch"
daniel: hahaha
yes


5. here is an idea i had the other day. i made a diagram of how to sew yourself into a quilt.





i think this is a good idea because it allows you to lie down on someone without that someone getting upset. also, if you hate your life and want to float away like a flying squirrel then this is the way to go.

6. i got my copy of GREAT the other day. it looks really nice. i am proud of 'brando' scott gorrell and chelsea martin.

7. order YIPPEE magazine from alicia pernell.

8. die motherfucker die motherfucker die motherfucker die

7.12.08

EVERYONE IS HOMELESS AND I THINK MY FINGER IS STILL BROKEN IT REALLY HURTS

1.

two people were murdered by my apartment. i wish my job was taking names off of mailboxes.

2.

i saw a guy fall on the sidewalk when he was trying to get on the bus. he lifted his arm and it was broken. it looked like he was screaming but for some reason i couldn't hear him screaming. he was making a screaming face and his friend picked him up off the sidewalk and they walked away, the friend lifting the coat over the man with the broken arm. it looked like the friend was trying to make the man with the broken arm disappear into the coat. i think i would like to be able to make people disappear into my coat.

3.

there is a place in my mouth that i have bitten three or four times today and it is now long strings of pulp that keep getting stuck in my teeth. i am working up the courage to eat the stringy pulp.


ALSO: BE NICE TO EVERYONE has sold out. 56 copies. if you want one there will more in powell's later this month, or take your pick, you have 56 targets/murder victims.

ALSO: i have art at REDIVIDER.

4.12.08

REDIVIDER

i have some art in the new REDIVIDER. you don't have to buy it to see the art. here is the link. if you click on the piece, it gets bigger and you can see it better.

2.12.08

'EVER' AND 'LIGHT BOXES'

please preorder BLAKE BUTLER'S NOVELLA 'EVER'


blake butler is a nice and genuine person. he is a giant stone at the bottom of the ocean with plant life growing on it.

here is a blurb for EVER:

"damn son, if this book were a blog post, it would get like, probably 17 comments, no repeats."

please preorder SHANE JONES' NOVEL 'LIGHT BOXES'

shane jones is also nice and genuine. as previously discussed on this blog, he will be my coworker at quiznos in twenty years.

here is a blurb for LIGHT BOXES:

"shane jones will probably be at a family party sometime and one of his aunts will be like, 'i heard you wrote a book' then shane will nod and say how much he liked the dip she brought and that he will probably eat more of it. then they both will never talk about the book again."

i will be honest now. i think that blake and shane are two people who deserve to be read. when i read their work, i think, "this person is somewhere else." that is all that matters to me when reading. somewhere that i can only get by reading the work. there is no joy in reading something that i can do. i can't do what blake and shane do. they are somewhere else, and i like that they let me see it.

here are some pictures that represent my experience with reading their work:

in this picture, the greatness of blake and shane's work has rendered me incapable of enjoying my life.




in this picture, slightly after the realization of my own worthlessness, my head explodes and floats away as two differently colored balls with indistinct features.




BE NICE TO EVERYONE is for sale.

I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT is for sale (i am almost done editing it).

also, alician pernell's magazine YIPPEE is up for preorder. when i emailed her some work, she emailed me back, "after i read your work i did the hands on the face thing like on home alone."

i will stop asking you to do things after this post. i will start posting more work. i have things.

27.11.08

COCONUT POETRY, BE NICE TO EVERYONE, AND GREAT

i have things in the newest issue of coconut. the things are in I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT. please order it.

order BE NICE TO EVERYONE.

order GREAT.

i feel that i demanded too much in the above post so i will tell a joke:

Q: what did the one human who still had like maybe fifty years to live say to the other human who still had like fifty years to live?

A: hi, could you please push me down some stairs and stomp on my skull?

24.11.08

BE NICE TO EVERYONE & GREAT

you can preorder both BE NICE TO EVERYONE (a play from ml press) and GREAT (a magazine constructed by brandon scott gorrell and chelsea martin).

BE NICE TO EVERYONE is a play about a man and a woman. i guarantee you will like it. if you do not like it, assemble a bomb and put the bomb in an envelope and send me an email that says something like, "hey, i like you so much i just wanted to mail you a nice present, could i please have your mailing address?" then, instead of mailing the "nice present" mail me the envelope with the bomb in it and blow my hands off so i can never type again. BE NICE TO EVERYONE might be characterized as less idiotic and will gain me acceptance from everyone. i want to be accepted. i want people to like me.

GREAT is a magazine put together by brandon scott gorrell (silly ass honky bitch) and chelsea martin (mormon assassin). from the tone of the email i received from brandon, and the post on htmlgiant about it, it seems that brandon and chelsea are excited about the magazine while still maintaining a neutral stance on it.

together, the publications will cost you six dollars but will probably make your shitty pathetic life seems less so for a period of roughly ten to sixty minutes or however long it takes you to read both.

goodbye, and remember, everyone hates you.

21.11.08

BE NICE TO EVERYONE

hello. you can pre-order my chapbook BE NICE TO EVERYONE from ML PRESS now. it is $2. i think you will like it. i will do a reading of it tomorrow on taylor and damen, and i will sit in a bus stop shelter and not speak and that will be the reading.

19.11.08

GAY HIGH SCHOOLER

BUST DOWN THE DOOR AND EAT ALL THE CHICKENS interviewed me.

i wrote on virgin orgasm.

i wrote an article on htmlgiant about a mean man who works at subway.

there's a contest at htmlgiant.

wagner israel cilio 3rd wrote a review of YUM YUM.

xtx reviewed YUM YUM.


"I FEEL WEIRD I NEED TO SIT DOWN"



adam from publishing genius is going to publish this post by shane jones and me as a pdf chapbook.

shame!

16.11.08

DYING RELATIVES

adam from publishing genius will publish the gchat below this post in january as an e-chapbook. shane jones and i will be beat to death at awp and we will be immortalized by quiznos in the form of sandwiches. shane's sandwich will be two pieces of wheat bread with little light bright pieces inside and a single slice of american cheese and mine will be a hot dog bun with mayonnaise and nits. since reading the gchat, don delilo has already thrown a brick with a dead cat taped to it, at my apartment door.

while looking at the brick with the cat taped to it, i remembered that wagner israel cilio III wrote a nice review. i am not saying that i remembered wagner israel cilio III because he is similar to a dead cat taped to a brick, i am pretty sure i don't think that. in the review he compares me to a terrorist. if i am arrested, i want macaulay culkin to assume control of this blog and only post things after not eating for weeks.

also, i encourage more people to argue on the internet.

and remember, all white people are evil.

white-genocide must happen people.

caucacide. they must be stopped.

12.11.08

LONG POST FEATURING SHANE JONES

here is a ghcat between shane jones and me from a few months ago. below it is an imaginative play featuring myself and shane jones, in 20 years. i edited out all of shanes jones' anti-semitic remarks.


Shane: i haven't read since college i guess adam [publishe of light boxes] will set up readings? i don't know

me: probably he'll be like, shane baby we need to get you on a plane to cali stat!

Shane: that would be nice i'll be reading in Buffalo some shithole i actually like buffalo quimbys in chicago would be good i hear that's a hip place

me: chicago is cool

Shane: you're there, jesse ball, kathryn reginai'm sure others i need to get out there on my big tour

me: buffalo, chicago, alaska

Shane: sounds good oakland

me: bulgaria

Shane: really strange tour adam just pointing at a map in random places and laughing throwing money in the air i'll be reading in prisons

me: “you'll go, where i say you'll go”

Shane: jesus

me: (burns you with a cigarette)

Shane: i'd be raped "it's called light boxes"
"what did you say faggot?"
"well, you see, there's balloons and stuff"
"get him!"

me: do people actually say 'get him'? then someone raises their hand and says, yeah i just thoght that the whole plot was contrived

Shane: just rips me apart

me: then stabs you

Shane: "it's all been done before!" (stab)

me: "no arch!" (rape)

Shane: man, that's scary
adam just laughing "should have sold more than 20 copies"
he'll have to publish Blake Butler to get his money back
blake saves the day
"i'll fix this adam"

me: goes to his room and comes back three days later with a novel

Shane: yup
"there you go"
i'll spend like 6 months on some really short novel and email adam about it
he'll just click delete

me: "nice try wanker jones"
"blake here are the keys to a new bentley"

Shane: my subject would be "hi adam sorry about the last book but I thought maybe you would like to..." (click)

me: then he clicks his p.a. and says, "i want him dead"

Shane: yeah, and then it shows me just puttering around my bedroom like an idiot"boy,i sure hope adam responds to my email"

me: (knock knock)

Shane: that must be pizza!

me: silenced pistol to the head
they grab you feet and hands and toss you into the atlantic with a copy of light boxes taped to your head

Shane: adam will burn my body with the 470 copies left of light boxes

me: and kids, that's how shane jones died

Shane: seriously what the fuck is he going to do with 500 copies what is his wife going to say? all stacked up in their house

me: “put them in the garage honey, next to the stairclimber”

Shane: she'd throw a few out every day i'm laughign really hard

me: “oh well honey i just got an email from someone named “jane shones” and he seems like a promising writer”

Shane: just the image of his wife sneaking a few copies in the trash every night spaghetti sauce all over the copies she pushes them down a little

me: raccoon searching through the garbage like, “what the fuck”

Shane: the garbage man, "what is this piece of shit?"

me: “hey phil wait a minute, this is pretty good”

Shane: "why is it so short?"

me: ha (flips through it) “fuck it, i just got blake butlers new one”

Shane: ahhhh next year at this time we'll both be laughing

me: and working at quiznos

Shane: hahaha

me: hey aren't you the guy who wrote light bozes

Shane: some fat guy "this cheese isn't melted enough, put it through your little machine again"

me: “put a little more mayo on that bitch”

Shane: "yes sir"

me: “make it a meal you little bitch”

Shane: you'll be my manager

me: “is there a problem here sir?”

Shane: butler will come in with his women

me: “Ahahaha, oh nothing for me thanks i just ate a white rhino”

Shane: "ladies, would you care for anything, i'm sure mr. jones and mr. pink would like to make you something"

me: “right boys?” (tosses us a million dollar bill)

Shane: "uh-huh, yes"

me: then he writes a novel on a napkin

Shane: "ah, someone should publish this soon" updates his blog on his iphone "forthcoming"

me: adam is out front of quiznos asking for nickels

Shane: shining shoes

me: "i published light boxes, kill me or give me money"

Shane: Blake: "oh that reminds me shane, how did your book do?""10 copies sold" "what? the ladies here can't hear you"

me: then he flicks your nose

Shane: bink! everyone in the store laughs then he orders the entire menu for everyone and we have to make it"give adam the left overs"

me: so kind sir, so kind then we write the great american novel about two guys who work at quiznos and plan to kill blake buitler

Shane: of course. Somehow blake can see this conversation right now "those idiots"

me: yeah i picture him in a giant room with a bunch of tvs

Shane: probably

me: and electrodes attached to his skull

Shane: interns submitting his stuff for him "send this story to ninth letter! quick!"

me: throws a glass of milk at them “yes sir right away”

Shane: "only four acceptances today! what! you jerk-offs!"

me: "someone has to volunteer to die or you all do"
“someon get me a copy of light boxes i have to shit”

Shane: just shits all over it "now it's better"

me: send this to ninth letter

Shane: they publish it"much improved light boxes"

me: and in other news, the sandwiches at quiznos kind of suck lately and are pointless

Shane: always fucking everything up

me: you should do something crazy to promote the book throw it at someone important

Shane: that's pretty good

me: yeah i know

Shane: lindsay lohan?

me: right off the top of my head yes
throw it at her vagina

Shane: it would just get sucked right in "two stars"

me: “the impossible has happened, light boxes stinks more”

Shane: man that would be it i'd just retire

me: a bunch of celebrities reading it

Shane: like in those tabloidssitting on the beach with it i'd go to posh parties in L.A. "hello, hello"

me: “what's shane jones doing this weekend, the insider finds out”

Shane: i'd do really strange things

me: with big designer glasses on

Shane: picture of me fucking a grilled cheese sandwich
like three photos together showing the thrusts

me: “genius author or cheese sandwich fucker?”

Shane: because it's an "underground hit"

me: exactly whereas your average man fucks a grilled cheese and boom, jail time

Shane: yeah, what a sicko i could also be a dick to girls and they would love it just talk about myself all the time "he's so smart"

me: he's a genius it's ok

Shane: that's just not fair some guys actually have that don dellilo is probably like that

me: yeah

Shane: just says whatever he wants and people listen

me: but one day i mean, yeah, who woulnd't like to golf with don delillo

Shane: yeah

me: just act humble at readings like you're misunderstood

Shane: i should start a fight at a reading with a well known author then, in the papers

me: dude i had the same idea

Shane: shane jones, author of light boxes yes!

me: i wanted to film a fistfight and then post it

Shane: "hey michael chabon...yeah you, fuck face!"

me: “what's up homey, what's up” (slap a book out of his hand)

Shane: whap!ohhhhhh snap!

me: get up in his face

Shane: fuck your narrative arch who can i fight at AWP that's the ticket

me: yeah hmmm

Shane: who is the keynote speaker

me: i'm not sure
you gotta start training now

Shane: yeah i gotta get huge
i know
dave eggers
i could take him

me: just lose on purpose BINGO

Shane: hahahaha

me: dave eggers wins total asshole

Shane: dick

me: you're lying on the ground with a bloody mouth, "it's over dave, it's over"

Shane: maybe i can parachute into AWP

me: perfect Shane: throwing copies of lights boxes on my way down me: throwing your book from high Shane: "wheeeeeee!"
"who the fuck is that?"

me: i dont know, throw him out

Shane: "some retard"

me: “yes dave eggers, right away, dave eggers”

Shane: "get him out of here"

me: “oh and kill him, slow”

Shane: "no, wait, i'm a real author"

me: dave eggers: “beat it tard” “there's only one publishing genius and that';s me now burn chicago down”

Shane: eggers drops his pants, all the women, including our girlfriends start sucking him off

me: "i own this town"

Shane: "mine"

me: he does a reading while getting blown

Shane: typical reading for him

me: "hey look everyone shane's back" "who ordered the subs?"

Shane: jesusthat one hurt i can see it i'll have to feed it to dave eggers while my girlfriend is blowing him "excuse me baby, sorry"

me: dave eggers makes you take the onions off

Shane: "i said no onions you fucking idiot" "right right, sorry"

me: "sorry isn't good enough"

Shane: "dance idiot" "and fuck a sub too"

me: "i want you to kill your girlfriend"

Shane: "sure thing mr. eggers"

me: "uh, right away sir, right away, let me just, uh, fuck this salami sub for ya" "there we go"

Shane: "faster"

me: "now wash my feet with your tears"

Shane: i can just seel chris killen standing there "what the hell is this?"

me: "this is bollocks"

Shane: "that's shane jones"

me: "he makes a hell of a sandwich"

Shane: sam pink got quiznos manager of the year this year then you turn and say "i got a pushcart nomination last year!"and dave eggers says "i won that once"

me: "oh i mean twice"

Shane: and a girl blowing him says, "it was three times" "when did i tell you to speak!"

me: ha man when eggers sees this he'll be fuming

Shane: it won't be so funny when we have a knife to our throats

me: his henchmen wear shirts with his face on it

Shane: and our friends find us naked and dead on teh floor yeah we'll be begging for our lives

me: " make sure they see my face when they die"

Shane: big smiling dave eggers king of literature "then rape their pets"

me: "cut their throats with the edge of light boxes"

Shane: i had this thought because adam's editing it this weekend where he realises he's made a huge mistake the look of dread on his face the color just draining from his face his wife saying "what's wrong honey?"

me: "oh dear god, dear god"

Shane: "oh..my...god"

me: "the horror"

Shane: him crying trying to explain it to his wife "but why 500 copies?" i'm laughign now

me: to his wife: “honey, uh, why don't you get me uh , see if the mail is here”
then a gunshot from the house

Shane: i have to tell him i didn't get that artistthat should go over well

me: dang i'm available for one of my sweet micosoft paint pictures anytime just say the word

Shane: i'll let him know

me: ha

Shane: i did get peter markus to give it a blurb that should save me

me: damn this might take off you got the heavy hitters

Shane: yeah dude markus is hugethat guy is amazing i want to write books as good as his

me: yeah but that's leverage like if someone doesn't like ityou can be like well a certain peter markus did

Shane: wow your right no one would do thathe hasn't give the blurb yet "why the fuck did i agree to blurb this piece of shit" i'll get an email from him "can't...sorry, peter"

me: “shane, take my name off your book or else i will send the eggers' henchmen”

Shane: i keep thinking about cover art
what my book will look like

me: you ego maniac

Shane: yup
that's me

me: shane the ego maniac jones
flexing while looking at the mirror

Shane: i wonder what dave eggers is doing right now

me: slitting a baby seal's throat
then writnig a novel with the blood

Shane: sounds about right

me: or he's on gchat with someone

Shane: trying to convince young girls he's dave eggers

me: hell yeah
i just got some lucky charms and i actually considered putting some skittles in them

Shane: that sounds good to me
i don't know why
like it fits

me: i think so

Shane: try it
you've hit a new low point, congrats

me: i know
this is it
now it's on to heroin

Shane: i still like the idea of throwing copies at famous people
i want to hit jonathan franzen with my book
just a smack right across the face

me: bang with the corner

Shane: the book will probably just explode
franzen won't even flinch
"nice try faggot"

me: how funny would that be if the pages just shuffled out

Shane: hahaha

me: and you abjectly tried to collect them as they blew into a puddle

Shane: and i was on my hands and knees collecting the pages
Franzen: "won't be hard to collect them, only what, 120 pages there son?"

me: Franzen: "come on dave eggers, let's go"
(kicks you in the gut)

Shane: i'd make some really girly sound
"ouch"
don delillo would show up and just eat my book
one big bite

me: piss on you

Shane: yeah
shit my book out on me

me: "hey kid, who do you think you're fucking with, i'm don delillo"

Shane: yeah, you can't fuck with him
he's probably a mean motherfucker
just walks around with all his books
huge stack

me: oh look, here's libra
and here's underworld
and here's oh i fucking lost count

Shane: i'd hold up my little book
he'd knock it out of my hand with his cock
whap

me: the cover (a polaroid of your face taken right before publication) rips in half


2030, A Play


Thirty years from now. A Quiznos at a strip mall where there’s also a store that went out of business and a store that sells tools to fix shopping carts. Inside Quiznos, Shane Jones and Sam Pink are working. There is no one else at the Quiznos and Shane Jones and Sam Pink are slapping each other with those cellophane gloves and saying random swear words.

Shane Jones: Hey man, do you need like, 498 copies of Light Boxes? I wonder what dave eggers is doing right now

Sam Pink: Shane, as your manager i feel you should know that the value box contains EITHER a cookie OR the chips. NOT BOTH. Now give me head.

10.11.08

NEW CHAPBOOK

hello. j.a. tyler started a new press. it is called mud luscious press. ml press prints limited copies of short chapbooks. i have one coming out sometime soon. i feel human excitement about it. i think it is strong in the way that an old man is surprisingly strong when he grabs your arm because you are misbehaving in public and your mom is not around to punish you by saying that satan will eat your penis off. then you are embarrassed by the old man and also worried that an old man possesses that much strength and you secretly plot to kill the old man because he must be stopped. the chapbook is a 1000 word play called BE NICE TO EVERYONE. i will post when it comes out. there will only be maybe 50. it is good. 2 U.S. dollars. go buy blake butler's, nick antosca's and brandi wells'. james chapman also has one coming out the same time as me. i sent him YUM YUM to see if he wanted ot publish it. he declined but said nice things about it. james chapman: decidedly not a butthole.

5.11.08

BLATANT RIPOFF POST

hello. shane jones posted about getting his book published. blake butler posted about getting his book published. since i have no personality, i wrote a similar post. the follow narrative describes the process. editor barry graham is depicted as a hershey kiss and i am the poorly drawn female reproductive system. i think you have to click on the pictures to see them.






(contd.)





3.11.08

DANIEL BAILEY'S "EAST CENTRAL INDIANA" AND A REVIEW OF "YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE'

EAST CENTRAL INDIANA

hello. i wrote a review of daniel bailey's poetry e-book EAST CENTRAL INDIANA on htmlgiant.

EAST CENTRAL INDIANA is the best book of poems i have ever read.

instead of talking about the book, i will post THE DANIEL BAILEY CATECHISM:


THE DANIEL BAILEY CATECHISM

Daniel Bailey is my creator.
Daniel Bailey will staple a leaf to my cheek and i will feel blessed.
Daniel Bailey will help me raise my children by showing me how to assert myself through rules.
Daniel Bailey measures how much cereal i have left and then decides if taking a bowl for himself would deprive me of a bowl.
Daniel Bailey does not ask for a valve of my heart in which to situate a hammock but i will not fail to offer him one.
Daniel Bailey is better than all conceptions of god up until this point.
Daniel Bailey cut off my dad’s legs using a shovel he sharpened with a big rock and he raped my dad by telling him things about living in Indiana and the raping made my dad's ears melt into the holes of my dad’s skull.
Daniel Bailey did that thing from Home Alone and he fooled the pizza guy, then Daniel Bailey did that with a bunch of other stuff and now he owns a lot of stuff.
Daniel Bailey comes to me when i am high on keyboard aerosol.
Daniel Bailey knows different ways to arrange for the explosion of a can of household cleaner and he wants to blow my hands off the next time i reach into the mailbox and i will pray to him and thank him by knocking my wrist bones together.
Daniel Bailey has always been a nice person to me.
Daniel Bailey is going to die like everyone else but he wrote EAST CENTRAL INDIANA so if you think about it whatever.


REVIEW OF YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE

also, here is a review of YUM YUM I CANT'T WAIT TO DIE that made me understand the book better. every time i read a review, it reminds me of what i actually said in the book. for some reason i can't remember any of the lines ever.

29.10.08

YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE REVIEW

!!!!!DEVELOPMENT!!!!!!!!

jimmy chen wrote a nice review of YUM YUM
!!!!DEVLOPMENT!!!!!

daniel bailey wrote a review of YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE. i feel that it is the best review yet. i am ultimately referred to as a black penis. i sent the book to someone at KEYHOLE. so lick it up KEYHOLE. this is your chance to get your hands on what daniel bailey feels is "the blackest of the black" penises.

26.10.08

EXCEPRT FROM 'YUM YUM'/'CEREBRAL PALSY'/'I WORSHIP SATAN'/RICHARD RAMIREZ/THE FAMILY WITH DIFFERENT COLORED CIRCLE HEADS

"TULIP" published an excerpt from YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE. the editor PETER CAVANAGH edited the piece.

there is also a poem by daniel bailey that is fucking sweet.

i am almost done editing I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT. here is a new poem ("cerebral palsy") and below it is a poem that was cut from CLONE ("i worship satan") and there are also some pictures. i think there is something wrong with me. if this blog suddenly vanishes, then so what.


CEREBRAL PALSY

you are new, red playdoh and i am the clump that has all the colors mixed together and you know i look like shit.
*
i got up a second ago and i accidentaLly hit my finger on my door and it feels broken.
*
for the last couple of days i have repeated to myself, "be a good boy, i don't want my mom to find me with blood and hair on my shirt."
*
there is no way to be comfortable.
*
i have sex dreams where i hold someone and i don't have sex with them.
i have a feeling that other people are ruining my mind.
*
one day i want to wake up to someone telling me they hate me. i want that person to follow me around all day, telling me that they hate me. at night i will cook that person dinner so they don’t get too weak to stop telling me they hate me. i will try to make sure that person gets enough blankets when we’re going to sleep. and i will try not to pull the blankets off in the night even if it’s totally accidental (and if i accidentally do pull off the blankets, i hope that person is not a dick about it).



I WORSHIP SATAN

i'll breathe on the windows and trace a face that is mine and yours.
i'll rip your ear open with a secret.
the secret will turn to icicles stringing the torn canal.
*
say hurray for the length of time you get to make things happen.
say hurray, you ingrate.
*
the wires that control my mouth feel thin.
it is hard to say things that people understand.
*
what is sharp is mine to use.
i expect the same of you.
clean the tools from yesterday.
reach into the air and pull down your weapon and use it on me.
*
make your pillow a small lake.
make your teeth twenty-eight weapons.
make your hands hate their work.
make your way to hell.
make the earth sick with your dead body.




THE FAMILY WITH DIFFERENT COLORED CIRCLE HEADS

21.10.08

WHEN I WATCH PROFESSIONAL BOWLING ON TV AND I LOOK AT THE BOWLERS AND HEAR THAT LIKE NINTENDO-MUSIC THEY PLAY IN BETWEEN FRAMES I THINK ABOUT SUICIDE

blake butler and his solar anus performed A PLAY ABOUT TWO PEOPLE.

when i go into the solar anus i cover myself in tin foil and hope for the best.

*

HTMLGIANT.

i wrote a review of mike bushnell's TIDAL.

i wrote a review of barry graham's NOT A SPECK OF LIGHT IS SHOWING.

*

VIRGIN ORGASM.

THUNK.

ryan manning is a pussy.

*

bradley sands is a mega-pussy.
i am looking forward to this:




thanks, mega-pussy or should i say, bradley sands.

*

j.a. tyler read YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE

joey minutillo read YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE

your mom read YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE and then you dropped dead

*



*

brandon scott gorrell is a cracker bitch, and i will spill his cracker blood. his book is also coming out.

he is also putting out GREAT with chelsea martin. it looks fucking stupid and i hate it:



*

SOMETHING I JUST REMEMBERED:

if i ever propose a pillow fight be careful because i have this thing where i put a rock inside the pillow case too, you know, to severely damage your fucking skull

*

HERE IS WHAT I GENERALLY THINK ABOUT WHILE WATCHING A PROFESSIONAL BOWLER ON TV IN A BOWLING TOURNAMENT TAPED IN 1988 WITH SHITTY YELLOW GRAPHICS AND SHITTY NINTENDO MUSIC BETWEEN FRAMES:

is the bowler's mom still alive?
is the bowler still alive?
did the bowler's mom love him?
has the bowler ever thought he loved another human?
is that bowler experiencing happiness?
has the bowler ever been told to "shut the fuck up?"
could i outrun that bowler?
could i totally slay him at nerf basketball?
do i have a moral obligation to find the bowler and hug him?
does that bowler like to have change in his pockets or not?
did that bowler enjoy buying the shirt or pants he is wearing?
does he enjoy having those glasses that like get tinted when it gets dark?
is that bowler married and if so, would he be the type of bowler that would want to watch me have sex with his wife?
has that bowler ever wanted to just run into a tree headfirst and sleep for a while?
how many people have called that bowler stupid to his face, and how many times has he openly agreed?
if i were playing a board game with that bowler, would he be look at me or just look down at the pieces?
has that bowler ever been up really late and thought to himself, "how am i going to stay alive when i hate myself this much?"
when that bowler sees a stain on his shirt does he get upset or does he try to pick it off with his finger?
how many times would you have to hit that bowler in the arm before he cried?
could i push that bowler over, or would he just stand there all pissed and maybe then try to push me over?
has that bowler ever had a friend?
did that bowler ever hurt someone's feelings and then regret it?
why does the nintendo-music in between frames and the shitty graphics from 1988 stating the score make me feel like i will die alone?

*

HERE'S A LITTLE PIECE I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON CALLED "DEAD ANGELA LANSBURY OR ANGELA LANSBURY IS DYING LIKE YOU AND ME":




*

i am wrapped in a blanket in my cold room.

i am editing the proof of CLONE.

19.10.08

I MADE YOUR INSIDES INTO AN AQUARIUM

blake butler performed A PLAY ABOUT TWO PEOPLE, which is in the book I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT, and NO COLONY. when i watched the video i felt good in a very strange way.

ryan manning made a blog that contains a bunch of interviews that didn't cause me to die while i was reading them, otherwise i wouldn't be able to write this post, unless i wrote this post and then died.

VIRGIN ORGASM.

HTMLGIANT has more dynamic and interesting writers than me.

i am trying to write a longer play based on an anthology piece that bradley sands and michael young are composing. i gave them two stories. one is called RONALD MC DONALD and the other is called THE PEDOPHILE. i am going to lengthen THE PEDOPHILE because i am having fun reading it.

smoke pcp everyday yo.

there is enough blood in my leg to fill up a drawer in my fridge. i will dip chips into the blood drawer, and invite guests to do likewise.

i forgot to write down what i wrote on each personalized letter that came with YUM YUM so if you didn't throw out the note email me what it said. i want to post them. i feel that they were productive and will get me laid hardcore in the future.

barry graham is having an identity crisis because he can't figure out if he looks more like kerry king from slayer or mr miyagi. i am laughing at his despair. go buy his chapbook i liked it.

after actually linking everything in this post, i feel that someone should congratulate me. it doesn't have to be anything grand, just like, "hey, good job man" because usually i fail to link things correctly and then i panic and feel like throwing my computer into the shower and running away from it.

16.10.08

I HAVE LICE

hi. i still have a few copies of YUM YUM I CAN"T WAIT TO DIE. email me. if you are a small publisher or know a small publisher, email me if you'd like to publish it. almost all of the copies are gone and i want more people to read it but my money is gone. publish it you scaredy-cat. i can expand it to book length too. here is what might happen when you receive the chapbook in the mail:



"hey what the fuck? i have mail! i thought the wold had abandoned me! what's this?"


"whoa, holy shit! this is so innovative. and shit! is that cardstock and resume paper? this shit is for real. it's so professional if i owned a small business i would hire this person! or at the very least publish this book for them because they clearly have very little money!"


"oh dear, this is entertaining! almost entertaining enough to publish! i seem to be lol-ing! oh...no...no...it's happening! i am...lol-ing...beyond control! fuck!"

"you stupid cat! i am going to put syrup on you and eat you, you stupid cat!"


"man this was ultimately satisfying and perhaps worth printing! i am alone and no one loves me!"


"here's one i prepared earlier!"

10.10.08

YUM YUM REVIEW AND FREE COPIES OF YUM YUM FOR FREE

hello. YUM YUM I CAN"T WAIT TO DIE was reviewed by MOUNT HOLYOKE NEWS.

also, if you'd like a copy of YUM YUM I CAN"T WAIT TO DIE, please email me your address. i recently had the book printed up myself and it looks really nice. i used resume paper and cardstock. i will mail it to you for free. if you don't live in boston, then email me and i will mail you one. if you already paid for one and haven't gotten it, email me. if you have naked pictures of yourself, email me. i will include a personalized message. so far, some of the personalized messages have been:

1. KEEP BEING A PERSON!
2. YOU ARE GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT!
3. LET'S SHIT ON A RAINBOW TOGETHER YO!
4. I LOVE YOU!
5. YOU ARE AN A+ PERSON!

email me if you want it. it looks nice and i have a lot of them.

5.10.08

HTMLGIANT AND VIRGIN ORGASM

hello.

HTMLGIANT is a new website started by gene morgan and blake butler. i write for it. i read it everyday now. if you want me to write about something, email me.

VIRGIN ORGASM is a new blog that me, and ryan manning, and blake butler share. it will contain my very best work.

virgin orgasm

virgin prgasm

virgin orgasm

virgin orgasm

virgin pgrasm


i posted an article about daniel bailey's awesome ass poetry collection on htmlgiant

htmlgiant

htmlgiant

htmlgiant

htmlgiant


preorder my book please.

i have something free to give out soon (and no, it's not a hologram of my rotting corpse).

1.10.08

PREORDER MY BOOK YOU FUCKING IDIOT

you can now preorder my book I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT. if you order it and you want me to come live with you, email me. i am serious. i hate my life.

also, i have received word that all chapbooks should be out and arriving shortly. if you don't get it soon, email me.

also, i write here now.

28.9.08

ELENA HORWATH IS A STUDENT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MASS-UH-CHEW-SETS AND SHE INTERVIEWED ME AND I WANT TO MARRY HER

How did you get in touch with the publisher?


Oh, hi Elena. How are you? What? Oh that sounds lovely. I am glad to hear that. Oh thanks, thanks, you too. Huh? The publisher? Mike Bushnell contacted me for YUM YUM I CAN’T WAIT TO DIE and Barry Graham found me sleeping in his closet and woke me up and told me he wrote down everything i said while i was sleeping and that he'd publish it. i named it I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT.



How do you come up with the awesome shit you come up with?


I open a drawer in my apartment that is labeled “Awesome Shit” and take some stuff out. Sometimes I open the drawer that is labeled “Awesome Ass Shit” and take some stuff out of that drawer and then mix the “Awesome Shit” with the “Awesome Ass Shit”.



Did you get to design your chapbook?


I drew the picture of the man with the black head eating his own eye. The publisher added the American Flag adornment.



What do you think of the "small scene"?


It is smaller than a bigger scene.



Are you single?


I am alone. I am looking at my window and thinking about running towards it and tripping face first through it. I think if somebody hugged me right now the whole world would be solved.



How often do people ask you if you're insane?


Every time they find me in their house rubbing my ass on their carpet like a dog.



Exactly what would you call your writing style? Poetry? Prose? Prosetry?


As previously elaborated, I would sometimes call it “Awesome Ass Shit” and sometimes it is “Awesome Ass Shit” mixed with plain old “Awesome Shit” and when I am so inclined I add some “Ballin’ Ass, Motherfuckin’ Cop-Corpse Sodomizin', Poke Your Own Eye Out Shit”.



When is your book coming out?


I don’t know this. I will say, this winter, and by winter I mean sometime from this very second into eternity.



Is your real name Sam Pink? (I've heard a story, I'm trying to find out if it's true)


I guarantee you will never know anything about me that is true. Oh wait, huh? What’s that Elena? Oh, yeah, I like you too! You’re nice! Oh no, you’re the nicest! Me? Come on, no you’re the super bestest nicest person! Fine! We both are! Let’s arm wrestle! I love you!


Does taping a thumb to an infant's forehead make them a unicorn, even though
they're not a horse?



Taping a thumb to an infant’s forehead makes them a unicorn. Your statement suggests adding a severed thumb to a horse’s head would make a unicorn. A horse is a horse, and an infant with a severed thumb taped to their head is a unicorn.


Do you enjoy pizza? (I ask this because I work at a pizza shop and I think you should come in so I can give you free things. I hear you're from Northampton.)


I enjoy pizza. If I were from Northampton I would sit where you work, i would sit there all day and take free things and say thank you for every free thing and I would say hi to everyone who walked in and then, after you walked out from behind the counter and said, “I hate you, you are annoying and I hate you”, I would nod and walk away peacefully.


Where do you want to go with your writing?


Elena Horwath, I didn’t mean to hurt you. That thing with Jessica, baby it was nothing. I—I wasn’t myself. You have to understand, I want to be with you, Elena, eating free pizza and talking to you about the random things I remember like “where’s waldo” books, please believe me, we can do “where’s waldo” books sitting at a booth together and I will go “ahhh man” every time you beat me to finding waldo and soon I will grow to associate my own disturbances with the sight of waldo’s face and waldo will be lost, both to the reader and to me. Very much. Please.


(Note: The following question is in reference to asking Elena Horwath for her soul for use in my army in a previous email)

What army am I fighting for? What are we fighting for? Why just my soul?

Elena, you see—I have this job to fulfill. I was placed on earth to undo everything that god has done. The problem is, the almighty has left traces of work everywhere. And I mean everywhere. I need your soul to burn down the house of god and draw the blood of his trophies over the piss-scalded earth beneath my legs. And, filling my own blood with god’s bone marrow, I will pray no more and keep the souls of my army in the pores of my tongue as they widen from the deteriorating bile I vomit, drowning god’s baby doves, and i travel the earth alone.

I can tell that you are a nice person, Elena Horwath, and that your soul would be perfect. And the reason I only need your soul is because god will murder your human body when god sees me growing, god is very jealous of you Elena and darn it, it’s time we pull god’s holy name through our teeth and shred it.


Do you have to have a mustache to be a child molester?


You don’t have to have a spoon to eat cereal but it is much much easier.

22.9.08

SORRY I CLIPPED YOUR FINGERNAILS TOO SHORT BUT IT IS HARD TO DO WITH SCISSORS DON'T BE MEAN

hello. i finished a book. the book is a really long poem and a bunch of short plays, like the kind that you read on this blog where something strange happens and then you think "what the fuck, why do i read this blog?". here is an excerpt of the really long poem. if you want to read the whole book email me and i will email it to you. you don't have to email me if you don't want to read the book. like you don't have to email me and say "i don't want to read it, please don't send it to me." i would just not send it to you if you didn't email me. i think this will help us both avoid anger and confusion and inconvenience.



NOTHING GETS ME HARD ANYMORE


Sometimes I wake up and see a hair on my pillow and I think that maybe you came and lied down for a while and then left but usually it’s a stray armpit hair of mine.

Then I think about what you’d look like with a head full of armpit hairs.

I would like you so much more if all the hair on your head was like armpit hair.

*

There are little rocks in your urethra and I want to paint each one with a nontoxic marker and fill a cartridge with the colorful rocks and then shoot you in the chest and call it a constellation.

*

I am fucking your dick with my fingers.

*

Stay still while I bite a clump of hair out of your head and feel the pressure of it stuck in my teeth.

*

The ideal place at someone else's house is kneeling, with your face stuck between the cushions of a couch.

*

I am floating above a tree that is on fire and I am breathing in the smoke and I like who you are when you just wake up and the motion of my hand in your pants is the same as the motion of my hand in your mouth.

*

You are my favorite human being.

Let’s sleep together.

You can turn your back and pull my arms over you and I will inch closer until your hips and back line up with me and right before I fall asleep I will think “ok” and I will mean it.

*

I am going to fuck you through your underwear

15.9.08

I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THAT ONE GIRL FROM "CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL"

hello. an old article i wrote, I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THAT ONE GIRL FROM CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL, is up here. the website says they are college humor. i always thought that i topped off at fourth grade. this is an improvement. they will post another article called I CAN'T WAIT TO BREAK YOUR ARM sometime soon.

(sidenote: the editor wrote the caption in the picture of that one girl from clarissa explains it all. mine would've said, "hey, nice boobs that one girl from clarissa explains it all. those are cool.")

14.9.08

10.9.08

A SHORT PLAY

There is a man and a woman sitting in a living room. The man is on one couch and the woman is on a separate couch.

The man: [repeatedly pointing and clicking the remote] Fuck—why won’t this thing work?

The woman: [painting her toenails] What won’t work?

The man: [tapping the remote with his hand then pointing it at her again] The button that makes you explode into flames. It won’t work for some reason.

***

also, i have a piece up at yankee pot roast.

6.9.08

SUPER POST

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the chapbooks are officially on their way out. i have spoken to the mystic one.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my advice column is up at dogzplot. also, other peoples' advice is up too. there is advice from barry graham, brandi wells, lisa ladehoff, wagner israel cilio, drew kalbach and some others.

i have a video excerpt from my chapbook YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE up at HERE EXPLODES MY GIANT FACE. the super-hot daniel bailey edited it. i basically gave him a bunch of shit and he made a shit sculpture. look at all the videos on the website.

interview at orange alert.

brandon scott gorrell is getting his book published.

no colony motherfuckers. no colony.


i like this story by chris killen. chris killen is, if i may say so, "a badass motherfucking dude who writes badass motherfucking things like a goodass motherfucking dude who's badass as hell."

i like this poem by daniel bailey. if daniel bailey publishes a book, i will buy it, even if it were titled HOW I LEARNED TO STOP HATING THE LOVE OF THE LOVELY WORLD OF MYSELF AND MY LOVELY HEART.

i like this poem by jereme dean.

i like this by kendra grant malone.

buy this book by noah cicero.

i like this poem by blake butler.

wagner israel cilio III reviewed one of my songs.

i like this movie. it's called psycho cop. if i remember correctly, in the movie, psycho cop actually kills someone by tripping them.

4.9.08

INTERVIEW

i was interviewed at WHAT TO WEAR DURING AN ORANGE ALERT. i have liked that site for awhile and i am glad they interviewed me. here is an excerpt of the interview because it makes me laugh.


That [money] is all I want. I don't even really care about the chapbook or the book anymore. Honestly, I just beat an old man half to death and recorded what he said and that's the chapbook. Even though all the money goes to their press, I want money. I want a lot of it. I figure, money is awesome, so I should just get a lot of it, because then I have a lot of something that is awesome. If there wasn't money, I wouldn't write. Writing is stupid and pointless. Oh look at me, look at my fucking poems. Aren't I deep and interesting? Don't I have like, the deepest thoughts? I am so philosophical and fucking artistic. That's not me. I just want money.

31.8.08

KIMMY GIBBLER FROM FULL HOUSE TURNED ME ON

hello. here is a myspace page for my music that ryan manning helped me set up. now people should be able to hear the music. i encourage you to leave really obscene and demented things on the myspace page, because myspace is for losers.

28.8.08

I WILL MAKE YOUR DAD INTO YOUR MOM

here is a video of the poem "move in with me" that chris killen played to people in manchester. i am glad that people in manchester got to see my dog and also hear what he was thinking.



Untitled from chris killen on Vimeo.

25.8.08

YOU ARE A SHITHEADED ASSHOLE

i have writing up at storyglossia.

and an interview up here.

21.8.08

HERE ARE TWO PLACES AND MORE PLACES AND I DON'T LIKE YOU AT ALL.

i have something up here and here.

*

chris killen is going to play a video recording of "move in with me" for some people in manchester. shane jones did the last video. if you are reading this right now and you are in manchester or around manchester (like, you could open your front door and like, jump and end up there or ride a bike for a short amount of time and get there) then go and visit chris and watch the video and bite chris like we agreed. i will put the video up soon and also, hopefully, a written report/essay of the evening from chris killen, that is, if you fail with the biting.

*

i think i will have a video up soon at daniel bailey's site HERE EXPLODES MY GIANT FACE. right now though, there is a video by steven daniel lewis called THE SUN AND HOW IT KILLS PEOPLE that i like very much.