16.6.08

THE BEST TIME TO THROW A LIT MATCH INTO SOMEONE'S MOUTH IS WHEN THEY'RE LAUGHING

I wouldn't mind making-out with the lady who played grandma winslow on "family matters"

I can trace my bloodline back to a stone at the bottom of the atlantic.

Whenever I’m having a drink, and somebody says something, I want to do that thing where you spray the drink out on their face. And keep doing it until that person hits me.

I am going to grow my hair out into a ponytail and then braid the ponytail and cut it off. Then I’m going to borrow my friend’s van and shut the trunk with the ponytail sticking out of the back and drive around.

I think about boobs and get kind of hard.
I think about the sound of someone’s head hitting the sidewalk and I get really hard.

Whenever the mailman comes to my door, I want to put my dog on my shoulders and then put a trenchcoat on so it looks like I’m a giant human with a dog-head and then answer the door. I’d totally do that (so the mailman thinks a very tall human with a dog-head lives in my apartment), but I don’t want my dog’s penis to touch the back of my head.

If you don’t have anything nice to say than kill yourself.

In high school my friend and I used to play a game where we’d get a book of matches and take turns holding out our hands while one of us dropped a lit match onto the other’s palm. The goal was to hold out as long as possible while the match extinguished itself on your skin. I got real good at it. Then I was fooling around with this girl and when I went to touch her breasts she saw my hands. she looked disgusted. What I’m trying to say is, find a hobby like an intramural sport.

I have a tube in my left ear drum. I was born with an ear infection. By the time I was one, most of my hearing was gone. Without the tube I can’t hear. When I was five, I was at a restaurant with my mom and my ear drum burst and blood came out of my ear. The waiter was like, “What’s with the kid?”

Here is a partial list of things I feel like:

A wrinkled hot dog spinning under a lightbulb in a gas station.

A pair of shoes stuck on an electrical wire.

The smell of a cough that an old man with lung cancer coughs into his hands.

Something important that was written on a chalkboard and then erased and you can still kind of see it.

A recently shit in diaper with a handful of sprinkles dropped on it.

11 comments:

jereme said...

baby shit green

Gena Mohwish said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
apants said...

you are a fucking dirty cunt-faced dillweed.

You are a baby boomer born in the 1980s.

Barf is what this blog is like.

J/K

DOGZPLOT said...

just embrace the dog penis on the back of your head. all those other bad feelings will disappear.

KEN BAUMANN said...

yes good

sam pink said...

jereme, fuck you.

gena, i spelled your name right this time. fuck you.

apants, you are my favorite commenter. welcome back. plus fuck you.

dogzplot, i am slowly getting used to it. i put my head against his weiner a little bit more everyday. it is an acquired feel.

ken baumann, fuck you.

mi said...

very funny.

Mike Bushnell said...

Today we live on. Today we fight. Today is our independence day. Happy July 4th in advance.

love,
bill pullman

sam pink said...

bill pullman: i wannanother shot attem.

that other guy: mr president i advise you to turn around.

JonC said...

I am a shoe on an electric wire. And God FUCKING likes me there.

Also, Fuck you.

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