hello. i finished a book yesterday. some of the material may be familiar but it is predominately new. i want someone to publish it. if you can make this happen i will give you oral sex (oral sex means gummy worms). i have another book in progress and yet another in less progress. i have worked out some compelling reasons for someone to publish the book.

1. it will confirm to the reader that they are not quite as psychotic as they originally thought.

2. it will probably make people laugh.

3. it comes with a hundred dollar bill inside.

4. each piece of writing inside will give you a blood vessel exploding orgasm.

5. it is not pretentious.

6. i will allow whoever wants to publish it, to publish it for free as long as they make a lot of copies and allow me to create the cover.

7. eugene levy has promised to kill himself if it gets published.

8. (this one is serious) i have recurring bouts of psychosis and if it gets published i might be less violent.

9. if it gets published, trees will have to die. and we all know trees are inherently criminal and abject.

10. i want to be on the today show so i can meet katie couric and then be nice to her for a period of time adequate for her to feel secure in letting me lick her vagina.

11. it is part of my parole stipulations.

12. my dad said we can't vacation on his yacht unless it gets published.

13. it will stop me from being delusional and saying things like "my dad has a yacht".

14. if it gets published my picture might go up on the internet and then everyone will find out i have a lobster head.

the reasons go on and on. i apologize for talking about my work. i know that is lame. but i figured all those rich new yorkers who probably read my blog will now jump at the prospect of this book. and then i can drink wine with them and discuss the theoretical implications of the book. so if you have a rich uncle who is a railroad tycoon or know a publisher who is drunk/high/on acid/crazy right now, then email me quickly and i will email them a copy.