31.7.08

CO-ED NAKED SLUTS THAT HAVE TARANTULAS IN THEIR EMPTIED EYE-SOCKETS

hello. bradley sands wrote a review of my chapbook at his blog. he is nice. he is the editor for BUST DOWN THE DOOR AND EAT ALL THE CHICKENS. you should send them some work. and by work i mean a mailbomb. also, read this post by blake butler. here are two things i think blake butler is like:

1. the internet is an old shack with a busted door and blake butler is the old lady who sits out front with a really long barrelled shotgun. he has his long gray hair done up in a bun and there is a tight frown on his face. he is sitting on a rocking chair and he has on a very long skirt with dusty boots on as well. if your pick-up truck breaks down in front of his place, he will help you out. but if you act like a brazen city-slicker then he sticks the shotgun into your mouth and makes your skull into a puzzle.

2. blake butler is like your sort of drunk but totally lucid grandfather at a family gathering. he sits by and watches everyone and then when someone says some bullshit or like your cousins are fighting about a can of soda, he says something that everyone needs to hear and everyone shuts up.

it is a good post. sometimes when i read a post that talks about what people should be doing i just sit there quietly and look at the ground, like a kid who's getting reprimanded by an adult and he just stays quiet until it's over and he can continue doing whatever he was already going. but this post is good.

27.7.08

YUM YUM I CAN"T WAIT TO DIE

hello. the jaguar uprising press is now selling my chapbook YUM YUM I CAN"T WAIT TO DIE. it is a long poem. it is completely new. none of it has been published anywhere. the cover is a picture of a man with a hole for a head eating his own eye. the jaguar uprising also affixed an american flag to the cover which makes me smile. i am totally american. actual i am birth-canalian because i am from a birth canal. when my mom gave birth to me she looked at me and said "oops". i am proud of this poem. it is not in my full length book. i feel like if i could get the book published, i would be done. this chapbook and then the book are everything i want to say. sam pink has meant a lot to me. i am going to post an essay soon about sam pink. it is an interesting story and explains a lot. i like the jaguar uprising. they have been really nice to me. i feel like if we ever hung out, it would be totally natural until i said something out of line and TTB gets up in my face and then the jaguar uprising's female accomplice would get up on the fringe of the ring and distract the referee while TTB hit me with a chair and then The Industry would apply his patented move where he grabs my butt so hard that i want to hide. the money that you pay for the book goes to their press. their press is a good thing. it is providing opportunities for people on the internet to say something and have a nice looking book. they make the books themselves. the uprising also has their own books for sale and there is a book by kendra grant malone that is really good. if you buy the book, then i suggest reading it and then throwing it at someone on the bus so the corner hits their forehead and then when they look at the book they will remember the name. i recently read the chapbook again and i still like it. that seems very important. as important as not forgetting to reference the most adorable wrestler of all time, THE GOLDEN BEAR (the...golden...bear).

here is a review of the chapbook by ryan manning that he wrote before reading the book:

sometimes after masturbating i feel very sleepy but force myself to
stay awake in order to clean up the mess. sam pink seems like someone
who would fall asleep immediately after masturbating, with his erect
penis in his hand. naked, alone, messy. unashamed.


also, here is a picture of TTB holding the book. he probably just read it and had a spontaneous pant-shitting orgasm. his life now means nothing and he just wants to ride it out.


24.7.08

DOGZPLOT, NO COLONY & A POEM

dogzplot published my flash fiction.

order NO COLONY. i'm not even going to come up with some hyperbolic statement about how this publication will affect me. just order it.

here's a poem for you:


HOLD HANDS WITH SOMEONE WHO HATES YOU

The next time you give birth to me I will curl up and strangle you before I am fully out.

I am a stupid idiot.

If I could live in a stand-up coffin in the middle of the woods with a water bottle near my mouth I would.
I would pee on my feet and not care.

I want to stand naked before a large group of people and shit on myself and then say “I am a human like you. Make room for me.”

When you yell at me I will remember the size of your mouth and then put something in your mouth that is just slightly bigger so your mouth splits open and you learn to make it smaller.

People tell me about things I have said or done around them in the past and I don’t remember any of it; it is fun to watch their smile get limp the more I refuse to remember.

Tonight I will sit in my room and make little cracks in my skeleton and then fill the cracks with tapwater and sit in the freezer until I am ready to come out.

I put butterknives in my mouth and acted like a walrus, which you liked until I told you that as a walrus, our mating takes place off the pack ice, remote from shore and that as a male I would display myself to you using teeth-clacking, clanging bell-like sounds, and whistles and that I would probably tap your skull with my teeth while we mated.

How many times do I have to prove that I am no different than an empty coke can skipping the highway?

Praise is step one to death.

Don’t look at me.

Make my skull into your showerhead.

You don't understand anything that I am saying but that's ok because I am looking for a friend who doesn't know anything.

MORE ADVICE AND A POEM BELOW

i thought of four more pieces of advice based on marcos' advice located in the comments section of the advice post (two below this one). he used the phrase "michael moore's gaping butthole" and now i am transfixed by the idea. i am sitting in my closet quietly intoning imprecations against the world for allowing michael moore and for allowing his butthole and for allowing it to gape. marcos,
you are disgusting and i don't want you near this blog. but thanks. there is a poem below this post.


ADVICE BASED ON THE IDEA OF MICHAEL MOORE'S BUTTHOLE

1.
if you are arguing with someone about whether or not god exists, just raise your hand in the air curtly and slowly say: "michael moore's gaping-butthole". then raise your eyebrows and say "what now?"

2.
if you are confused and don't know whether you are talking to michael moore's mouth or his gaping-butthole, put your ear up to the indeterminate hole and see if it's annoying and has teeth or if it looks like a cave made of jelly.

3.
when your head gets really cold, just try to find michael moore's gaping-butthole.

4.
if you are hungry and you are hanging out with michael moore, there is an arby's in his gaping-butthole (fyi: most of michael moore's butthole is made of arby's. i know this because when i was eating out michael moore's gaping butthole, i paused and said, "hey, call me crazy but it kind of tastes like--"
"like horsey sauce?" he asked.
"bingo," i said and then continued to eat michael moore's gaping butthole).

HOLD HANDS WITH SOMEONE WHO HATES YOU

The next time you give birth to me I will curl up and strangle you before I am fully out.

I am a stupid idiot.

If I could live in a stand-up coffin in the middle of the woods with a water bottle near my mouth I would.
I would pee on my feet and not care.

I want to stand naked before a large group of people and shit on myself and then say “I am a human like you. Make room for me.”

When you yell at me I will remember the size of your mouth and then put something in your mouth that is just slightly bigger so your mouth splits open and you learn to make it smaller.

People tell me about things I have said or done around them in the past and I don’t remember any of it; it is fun to watch their smile get limp the more I refuse to remember.

Tonight I will sit in my room and make little cracks in my skeleton and then fill the cracks with tapwater and sit in the freezer until I am ready to come out.

I put butterknives in my mouth and acted like a walrus, which you liked until I told you that as a walrus, our mating takes place off the pack ice, remote from shore and that as a male I would display myself to you using teeth-clacking, clanging bell-like sounds, and whistles and that I would probably tap your skull with my teeth while we mated.

How many times do I have to prove that I am no different than an empty coke can skipping the highway?

Praise is step one to death.

Don’t look at me.

Make my skull into your showerhead.

You don't understand anything that I am saying but that's ok because I am looking for a friend who doesn't know anything.

18.7.08

READ THIS POST AND THE ONE BELOW IT

hello. an online journal, DOGZPLOT, recently accepted some of my flash fiction for their FLASH FICTION SITE. it should be out soon. barry graham, the editor, also accepted a piece for the fiction journal, which publishes awesome people like Shane Jones, Brandi Wells and Kim Chinquee. the piece is called ADVICE and it comprises 27 pieces of advice. barry graham is cool and so is dogzplot. this is how i feel about dogzplot: "i like when i'm reading a publication and i feel like i'm at a friend's house and i can like, put my feet up on the coffee table and if i spill a beer it's ok." the ADVICE piece will run in like a month or two and barry suggested that i post a few of the pieces and then have people write their own advice in the comments section. he would then select the ones he likes and publish them with my piece in the fall issue of dogzplot. but you know what, fuck him, i'm not going to do it. no i am kidding. here are three of the twenty-seven pieces of advice and please please please write some of your own advice in the comments section. i think this is a good thing. i can't think of another editor who be this un-butthole-ish, except for that one guy who runs lamination colony.

ADVICE

15.

When putting a razor blade on someone's bagel, for god's sake, cover the razor blade with cream-cheese other wise they'll notice and you'll fail once again in cleansing the earth of your enemies.

24.

Whenever you get a haircut, and someone says, "oh hey, you got a haircut" you should affect a somewhat confused look, then slowly reach your hands up to your head and feel around, and then say "oh my god, how did this happen?" and then become increasingly more terrified and start screaming and keep yelling "oh my god, fuck, how did this happen, it must've happened while I was sleeping oh god oh god oh god". That will most likely keep them from stating things that are obvious.

27.

The best way to get rid of someone you hate is to call them over to use your slip and slide, and before they come over you dig a really big hole at the end of the slip and slide and line the bottom of the hole with knives. Then cover the hole with leaves and be like, "oh no, you go first, I insist". Then when they get ready to go, shoot them in the back of the head and uh, I don't know, figure out something to do with that big hole you dug, because that could hurt someone.

17.7.08

BLAKE BUTLER IS THE ONE PERSON I WON'T KILL WITH A NINE IRON WHEN MY DAD SATAN COMES BACK TO EARTH (BUT I STILL MIGHT HIT HIM IN THE SHIN WITH IT)

blake butler (author and non-meanhead) blogged about my book. he sent me a nice email about it and it made me feel better. he said if anyone had balls they would publish it which i like because now when it gets denied, i'll just send back an email that says: "oh ok, that's fine, but uh, just so you know, blake butler thinks you got no balls". that's comforting. the book is now completely done, i finished it yesterday by adding two new things, one of which is a really long poem called AND I SMASH MY SMILE AGAINST YOURS which i am proud of. there are a few people looking at the book but i haven't heard back from anyone. i am kind of worthless because it seems like if someone denies it, i will just delete my blog and jump into outer space to just float and cry and then when the tears float out i will eat them until i am dehydrated. writing the book made me feel better. i was very angry and self-destructive when i wrote it. i'd come home every day and stand in the doorway looking into my gray apartment and take a deep breath then walk in. then i'd microwave some oatmeal and lean on the my counter looking out my window at pretty girls as they walked by. then i'd walk up to my room and shut the door and lock it and sit down for hours straight. sometimes i'd lay back and look at my ceiling and feel strangely calm. but for the most part, i'd type while rocking back and forth and squeezing my hands really tight and there were a lot of lightning storms during the time i was writing and i was always hoping that a bolt would fly through my window and blow a hole in my chest and that i'd pass out dead on my laptop, so the last line of the book would be something like jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj. i kind of want to talk about the book a lot but i don't want to be boring. i think it calmed me, but when the fall comes i always feel crushed and angry again. we'll see. i hope the book gets published because i feel like it has value.

also, the jaguar uprising should be putting out the chapbook soon and from what i hear it is going to be way nicer than i imagined, although now i am worried because the design might be nicer than the material. it'll be like getting a gold box with a single lego inside.

13.7.08

DRUNK

I POSTED AT DRUNK. daniel bailey has an awesome poem right beneath mine. he is also taking submissions for HERE EXPLODES MY GIANT FACE, a new journal that features readings.

10.7.08

I WAS STOLEN AND I LIKE IT

i found two of my poems here. if you scroll down you can see my name and then the poems. this has happened to me a few times, where i find my work somewhere and i have no clue how it got there. i like it. i feel like that's justified because the whole point of this blog is to put work out in the open. if you are reading this and you want to put some of the work up somewhere or even if you just want to print it out and tape it to a wall, i suggest doing so. sometimes i masturbate to the photos of sliced ham and/or roast beef in supermarket ads because it looks like a vagina and going to the bathroom with a supermarket ad doesn't look conspicuous like going to the bathroom in a public area with a hustler. you can just be like, "what, i want to know if there's any deals on grapes" and then masturbate really hard in the bathroom and no one is the wiser. i am ok with that. you should be too.

2.7.08

PICTURES

#1
"THREE-HEADED LORENZO LAMAS"



#2
"ALBERT FISH WEARING MAKE-UP AND LOOKING REALLY PRETTY LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO GO TO THE PROM"



#3
"ALF EJACULATING INTO HIS OWN MOUTH AND LIKING IT VERY MUCH"



#4
"EUGENE LEVY WITH AN INSANE BLUE SOUL PATCH"



#5
"EMO PRINCESS DIANA FEELING DEPRESSED BECAUSE IT'S COOL TO BE DEPRESSED"