18.7.08

READ THIS POST AND THE ONE BELOW IT

hello. an online journal, DOGZPLOT, recently accepted some of my flash fiction for their FLASH FICTION SITE. it should be out soon. barry graham, the editor, also accepted a piece for the fiction journal, which publishes awesome people like Shane Jones, Brandi Wells and Kim Chinquee. the piece is called ADVICE and it comprises 27 pieces of advice. barry graham is cool and so is dogzplot. this is how i feel about dogzplot: "i like when i'm reading a publication and i feel like i'm at a friend's house and i can like, put my feet up on the coffee table and if i spill a beer it's ok." the ADVICE piece will run in like a month or two and barry suggested that i post a few of the pieces and then have people write their own advice in the comments section. he would then select the ones he likes and publish them with my piece in the fall issue of dogzplot. but you know what, fuck him, i'm not going to do it. no i am kidding. here are three of the twenty-seven pieces of advice and please please please write some of your own advice in the comments section. i think this is a good thing. i can't think of another editor who be this un-butthole-ish, except for that one guy who runs lamination colony.

ADVICE

15.

When putting a razor blade on someone's bagel, for god's sake, cover the razor blade with cream-cheese other wise they'll notice and you'll fail once again in cleansing the earth of your enemies.

24.

Whenever you get a haircut, and someone says, "oh hey, you got a haircut" you should affect a somewhat confused look, then slowly reach your hands up to your head and feel around, and then say "oh my god, how did this happen?" and then become increasingly more terrified and start screaming and keep yelling "oh my god, fuck, how did this happen, it must've happened while I was sleeping oh god oh god oh god". That will most likely keep them from stating things that are obvious.

27.

The best way to get rid of someone you hate is to call them over to use your slip and slide, and before they come over you dig a really big hole at the end of the slip and slide and line the bottom of the hole with knives. Then cover the hole with leaves and be like, "oh no, you go first, I insist". Then when they get ready to go, shoot them in the back of the head and uh, I don't know, figure out something to do with that big hole you dug, because that could hurt someone.

30 comments:

wagner israel cilio iii said...

when you are going to tell someone that their mother died, make everyone in the room line up. then have everyone's who's mother is living take a step forward. when the person whose mother is dead tries to step forward, impale him with a javelin and whisper quietly that you just don't want any more people to have to be sad because of the news.

sam pink said...

i like that one.

DOGZPLOT said...

i like that too...

neither of the dogzplot links workkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkkkk kkkkkk kkkk
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sam pink said...

i suck at links (because i am a boner). they are fixed but the sense of failure will never leave.

Daniel Bailey said...

just do it. nike.

Drew Kalbach said...

when deep sea fishing, always bring a pole. tying a long string to the end of your penis then dipping it into the water is fun until a very large fish takes the bait, then your cock, in one jerk of it's scaly head. instead, encourage your friends to try this.

Catherine Lacey said...

I like that last one... and thanks for telling me how to deal with that haircut problem. I have been wondering what to do about it.

sam pink said...

daniel, drew, thank you.

catherine, consider your problem solved.

KEN BAUMANN said...

sam pink you have answers

Brandi Wells said...

i like your advice. i read it aloud while i was drunk to other drunk people. they felt informed.

Lisa Ladehoff said...

be a good girlfriend. cook your boyfriend breakfast in the morning. make him coffee. fetch the paper. un-cap his beer. stroke his ego. praise his wit. diss feminism. when he gets that look in his eye, suck his cock.

grandpa johnson punch said...

when between a rock and a hard place, line your ceiling with various lengths of string. tie bells to the ends of the strings. each afternoon when you wake, walk through the bells, and when they ring, an angel will get its wings. then hope that one of those angels is flying toward you to give you some sort of assistance.

ryan manning said...

if we are chatting on aol instant messenger and you are not typing in size 10 arial font it will effect our relationship in a negative way

jereme said...

While in the bathroom and one man finishes pissing in the urinal and the other man finishes shitting in the stall and both men walk up to wash their hands in the sink, the man who just finished shitting should never finish washing his hands earlier than the other man who just finished pissing. if you find yourself in this situation, make a comment about government and don't let your skin touch any door handles while you make your escape down the drain in the middle of the tiled bathroom floor.

jereme said...

Remember that not every one will find it amusing when you drill a hole in your floor, drop your pants, stick your dick through the hole and wiggle it at the asian family eating rice and watching judge judy in the apartment below no matter how much genius and intelligence you think you possess.

jereme said...

If you are at a party in hollywood while drinking and drugging, do not be alarmed if an intoxicated 13 year old girl presses her ass against your crotch and starts rubbing and grinding. Odds are, this is not the first time she has done it. You are not that special.

jereme said...

it is always a good idea to reply "fuck you" if a question posed befuddles you. this will leave the questioner confused and you can bask in the glory that is you.

Tracey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tracey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DOGZPLOT said...

that lady in your pic died this morning. god bless.

Brandi Wells said...

It is perfectly reasonable to hate your ex and silly to waste time and energy being "polite" or "courteous" when that time would be better spent hacking them to bits with a meat cleaver. Hacking people to bits with a meat cleaver is never a waste of time or energy and promotes muscle growth, stamina and reflex.

sam pink said...

over twenty comments.

i am becoming a real boy.

Marcos said...

In order to discourage the squandering of chi energy through unproductive sexual intercourse, train your mind to summon unwanted images at the moment of orgasm. Potential images include but are not limited: your mother nude, Michael Moore's gaping butthole, a shit sandwich, Donald Trump. Alternative: make sure that someone gets pregnant every time you fuck.

sam pink said...

these four pieces of advice are based on marcos' which is right above.

1.
if you are arguing with someone about whether or not god exists, just raise your hand in the air curtly and slowly say: "michael moore's gaping-butthole". then raise your eyebrows and say "what now?"

2.
if you are confused and don't know whether you are talking to michael moore's mouth or his gaping butthole, put your ear up to the indeterminate hole and see if it's annoying and has teeth or if it looks like a cave made of jelly.

3.
when your head gets really cold, just try to find micheal moore's gaping-butthole.

4.
if you are hungry and you are hanging out with micheal moore, there is an arby's in his gaping butthole.

jereme said...

i found roseanne bar's hot swamp once but i had no galoshes to explore it with

grandpa johnson punch said...

if you live in basement drink alot of beer, because it sucks to live in a basement, and if you have to piss, don't go upstairs. you're roommates will yell at you about all "the dishes you are hording down there". instead, piss in the "dirt room". its the room that doesn't have a "real floor". it's just dirt, so, its kinda like pissing outside. but, in the summer the sun will bake your piss and cause an awful stench. when this happens, buy a bag of lye and sprinkle it across the "floor" of the "dirt room", and pretend you are john wayne gacy and covering up something much more sinister. because after all you live in the mid west and nothing exiting comes out of there except corn and crazy people. if you want, you can pretend you are a big ear of corn spreading the lye, but thats not as fun. in either case threaten your cat not to tell any one, and he won't because he loves you, and cats can't talk.

sam pink said...

gacy made kids dig their own graves. there is no advice here just a fact.

grandpa johnson punch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I have done fat wank in your vision.

I have sponged a rib down with solution.

I have spat on a sudden face near glass mask.

albie

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