28.9.08

ELENA HORWATH IS A STUDENT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MASS-UH-CHEW-SETS AND SHE INTERVIEWED ME AND I WANT TO MARRY HER

How did you get in touch with the publisher?


Oh, hi Elena. How are you? What? Oh that sounds lovely. I am glad to hear that. Oh thanks, thanks, you too. Huh? The publisher? Mike Bushnell contacted me for YUM YUM I CAN’T WAIT TO DIE and Barry Graham found me sleeping in his closet and woke me up and told me he wrote down everything i said while i was sleeping and that he'd publish it. i named it I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT.



How do you come up with the awesome shit you come up with?


I open a drawer in my apartment that is labeled “Awesome Shit” and take some stuff out. Sometimes I open the drawer that is labeled “Awesome Ass Shit” and take some stuff out of that drawer and then mix the “Awesome Shit” with the “Awesome Ass Shit”.



Did you get to design your chapbook?


I drew the picture of the man with the black head eating his own eye. The publisher added the American Flag adornment.



What do you think of the "small scene"?


It is smaller than a bigger scene.



Are you single?


I am alone. I am looking at my window and thinking about running towards it and tripping face first through it. I think if somebody hugged me right now the whole world would be solved.



How often do people ask you if you're insane?


Every time they find me in their house rubbing my ass on their carpet like a dog.



Exactly what would you call your writing style? Poetry? Prose? Prosetry?


As previously elaborated, I would sometimes call it “Awesome Ass Shit” and sometimes it is “Awesome Ass Shit” mixed with plain old “Awesome Shit” and when I am so inclined I add some “Ballin’ Ass, Motherfuckin’ Cop-Corpse Sodomizin', Poke Your Own Eye Out Shit”.



When is your book coming out?


I don’t know this. I will say, this winter, and by winter I mean sometime from this very second into eternity.



Is your real name Sam Pink? (I've heard a story, I'm trying to find out if it's true)


I guarantee you will never know anything about me that is true. Oh wait, huh? What’s that Elena? Oh, yeah, I like you too! You’re nice! Oh no, you’re the nicest! Me? Come on, no you’re the super bestest nicest person! Fine! We both are! Let’s arm wrestle! I love you!


Does taping a thumb to an infant's forehead make them a unicorn, even though
they're not a horse?



Taping a thumb to an infant’s forehead makes them a unicorn. Your statement suggests adding a severed thumb to a horse’s head would make a unicorn. A horse is a horse, and an infant with a severed thumb taped to their head is a unicorn.


Do you enjoy pizza? (I ask this because I work at a pizza shop and I think you should come in so I can give you free things. I hear you're from Northampton.)


I enjoy pizza. If I were from Northampton I would sit where you work, i would sit there all day and take free things and say thank you for every free thing and I would say hi to everyone who walked in and then, after you walked out from behind the counter and said, “I hate you, you are annoying and I hate you”, I would nod and walk away peacefully.


Where do you want to go with your writing?


Elena Horwath, I didn’t mean to hurt you. That thing with Jessica, baby it was nothing. I—I wasn’t myself. You have to understand, I want to be with you, Elena, eating free pizza and talking to you about the random things I remember like “where’s waldo” books, please believe me, we can do “where’s waldo” books sitting at a booth together and I will go “ahhh man” every time you beat me to finding waldo and soon I will grow to associate my own disturbances with the sight of waldo’s face and waldo will be lost, both to the reader and to me. Very much. Please.


(Note: The following question is in reference to asking Elena Horwath for her soul for use in my army in a previous email)

What army am I fighting for? What are we fighting for? Why just my soul?

Elena, you see—I have this job to fulfill. I was placed on earth to undo everything that god has done. The problem is, the almighty has left traces of work everywhere. And I mean everywhere. I need your soul to burn down the house of god and draw the blood of his trophies over the piss-scalded earth beneath my legs. And, filling my own blood with god’s bone marrow, I will pray no more and keep the souls of my army in the pores of my tongue as they widen from the deteriorating bile I vomit, drowning god’s baby doves, and i travel the earth alone.

I can tell that you are a nice person, Elena Horwath, and that your soul would be perfect. And the reason I only need your soul is because god will murder your human body when god sees me growing, god is very jealous of you Elena and darn it, it’s time we pull god’s holy name through our teeth and shred it.


Do you have to have a mustache to be a child molester?


You don’t have to have a spoon to eat cereal but it is much much easier.

31 comments:

Bradley Sands said...

Find out where she works so I can impersonate you and get free pizza.

DOGZPLOT said...

lets road trip to u mass.

Stephen Daniel Lewis said...

you are hot sam pink

jereme said...

good interview

"I am alone. I am looking at my window and thinking about running towards it and tripping face first through it. I think if somebody hugged me right now the whole world would be solved."

good

sam pink said...

bradley sands, i fear you may misrepresent me in ways most unbecoming. perhaps just buy a white t shirt and write, "yes, i am sam pink" on the front. that way you don't have to even say anything.

barry, the members of the uprising have offered funds for such a trip. we can eat funyuns and listen to slayer on the way to the east coast. we can bring the midwest fist to the east coast anus.

sdl, i know you are but what am i?

jereme, i know you're a good interview, but what am i?

DOGZPLOT said...

cool, im in.

when you print your t-shirt out, print me one that says.

i may be sam pink, but i probably am not. too bad i dont have the extra cash. i'd print a couple hundred of them up and give them away free when someone buys your book.

yucky

Lisa Ladehoff said...

fuck you sam pink

just kidding. this made my day better. thanks asshole.

sam pink said...

yeah, i think people would wear shirts that say, "fuck your mother" or that feature a strawberry shitting in someone's mouth, or that feature a christmas tree ejaculating onto a birthday cake.

if anyone knows how to do this, do it and you can keep the money you make, but you have to make me a shirt or two for free.

sam pink said...

aw hell naw. it's the broken hearted lisa ladehoff. let's get married. i am nice.

Anonymous said...

This interview made me want to push a broken aeroplane slowly over a succession of fatter and fatter faces.
Until the final face just eats the aeroplane AND me.

Aren't you ashamed to be instilling such impossible desires in casual passing people?

albie(on the house)

jereme said...

my friend owns a tshirt/printing business if there really is a need to make sam pink shirts.

i would wear one but people expect something of that nature from me

so i dunno

i miss iron on mr. t decal muscle cut off shirts

i used to rock those like no other

sam pink said...

aw sheeit.

there isn't a need for the shirts, but they might make the people who wear them and the people who see them feel better. i personally feel as though my life would be better if i had a shirt with a christmas tree ejaculating on a birthday cake or some scissors cutting a butterfly in half.

Anonymous said...

hi. i am elena horwath, oddly enough. and all I have to say is.... do you just tell everyone you'll marry them? because if so you should look into mormonism.


everyone should road trip to UMass. I'll give you pizza and beer.

DOGZPLOT said...

elena:

pizza and beer? if we drive to u mass we wanna climb into your womb and spawn.

good interview.

DOGZPLOT said...

we need to give awa y something with the book. something small and cheap. help me think. im giving away condoms with the national virginity pledge. but that was a no brainer.

sam pink said...

elena horwath. there is only you. i only want to marry you. i hope you have a good job because i like to get manicures, and go on cruises and drink johny walker blue and eat bars of gold and other things.

i will eat pizza and drink beer with you.

barry, here are some ideas i had:

1. a hit of acid
2. a little bag of tears from an old man
3. pogs
4. stickers
5. drawings of obscene things
6. keys to my apartment
7. a little bag of confetti you can throw over yourself before reading
8. my eyelashes (so you can clone me and kill the clone and eat it)
9. a calling card so you can call me and tell me you hate me
10. used condoms
11. a dead leaf
12. a wallet sized photo of albery fish

i am open to other, more feasible suggestions too.

sam pink said...

elena horwath. there is only you. i only want to marry you. i hope you have a good job because i like to get manicures, and go on cruises and drink johny walker blue and eat bars of gold and other things.

i will eat pizza and drink beer with you.

barry, here are some ideas i had:

1. a hit of acid
2. a little bag of tears from an old man
3. pogs
4. stickers
5. drawings of obscene things
6. keys to my apartment
7. a little bag of confetti you can throw over yourself before reading
8. my eyelashes (so you can clone me and kill the clone and eat it)
9. a calling card so you can call me and tell me you hate me
10. used condoms
11. a dead leaf
12. a wallet sized photo of albery fish

i am open to other, more feasible suggestions too.

sam pink said...

i apologize for double commenting.

oh shit, comment 18 motherfuckers.

DOGZPLOT said...

i like 6, 7, and 8, but we should use pubes instead of eyelashes. we can get a bucnh of dime bags and stuff em with pubes and send them out with the book. tape them to the inside cover.

yyyyeeeeeeessssss

pogs are good too.

sam pink said...

i started laughing at the idea of sending out pubes. it was a laugh like the kind of laugh an evil person would do on a cartoon. what about pubes and confetti. all the kids are doing it.

DOGZPLOT said...

what about home rolled cigarettes with pubes in them. that way people can put there lips on them and ingest them and sam pink will be inside, will be a part of all his readers. foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

sam pink said...

smokin' mad pubes yo.

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna burst out of a wardrobe on you!


albie(I'll paint your fence)

jereme said...

i have red hair and red pubes. my previous boss had a jar full of cashews he kept on his desk. he would refill the jar every month or so. my boss refused to hire any additional staff. my boss forced me to work 60-70hour weeks for 2 years straight. my boss would not let me take night classes at the local college because he 'needed me to focus on work' my boss would not let me take vacation days. my boss took many vacation days. my boss made me work from home to accomplish after i worked 12 hours in the concrete building. my boss forced me to work every saturday and sunday.

one saturday, i was alone with his jar of cashews. i reached into my shorts and pulled a massive chonch of fiery red pubic hair. i put a handfull of my pubes into his jar of cashews. i mixed the pubes with the cashews in a methodical manner.

i never told any one at work what i did. i support passive aggressive pube victory.

sam,

there is a local artist here who paints with his own blood. you could sign the chapbook with a drop of blood. it would be unique and personal for each chapbook.

just an idea.

Malialinda said...

Well, I'm sure you already know this, but you are quite awesome. I stumbled upon your story thingy "Move in with me" at This Zine will Change Your Life and after reading your inteview I just wanted to say that you are my God.

sam pink said...

malialinda, i am glad. let's drink some kool aid together. you make me happy.

Anonymous said...

I am still waiting for my signed copy of Yum Yum with the beautiful message that will make me cry with happiness. There should be an engagement ring in there. Preferably a mood ring.



elena H.

sam pink said...

elena h, i am thinking either today or tomorrow it will be there.

as for getting married, baby, we, i mean i, i just need to find myself first, then we can be together.

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