27.11.08

COCONUT POETRY, BE NICE TO EVERYONE, AND GREAT

i have things in the newest issue of coconut. the things are in I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT. please order it.

order BE NICE TO EVERYONE.

order GREAT.

i feel that i demanded too much in the above post so i will tell a joke:

Q: what did the one human who still had like maybe fifty years to live say to the other human who still had like fifty years to live?

A: hi, could you please push me down some stairs and stomp on my skull?

24.11.08

BE NICE TO EVERYONE & GREAT

you can preorder both BE NICE TO EVERYONE (a play from ml press) and GREAT (a magazine constructed by brandon scott gorrell and chelsea martin).

BE NICE TO EVERYONE is a play about a man and a woman. i guarantee you will like it. if you do not like it, assemble a bomb and put the bomb in an envelope and send me an email that says something like, "hey, i like you so much i just wanted to mail you a nice present, could i please have your mailing address?" then, instead of mailing the "nice present" mail me the envelope with the bomb in it and blow my hands off so i can never type again. BE NICE TO EVERYONE might be characterized as less idiotic and will gain me acceptance from everyone. i want to be accepted. i want people to like me.

GREAT is a magazine put together by brandon scott gorrell (silly ass honky bitch) and chelsea martin (mormon assassin). from the tone of the email i received from brandon, and the post on htmlgiant about it, it seems that brandon and chelsea are excited about the magazine while still maintaining a neutral stance on it.

together, the publications will cost you six dollars but will probably make your shitty pathetic life seems less so for a period of roughly ten to sixty minutes or however long it takes you to read both.

goodbye, and remember, everyone hates you.

21.11.08

BE NICE TO EVERYONE

hello. you can pre-order my chapbook BE NICE TO EVERYONE from ML PRESS now. it is $2. i think you will like it. i will do a reading of it tomorrow on taylor and damen, and i will sit in a bus stop shelter and not speak and that will be the reading.

19.11.08

GAY HIGH SCHOOLER

BUST DOWN THE DOOR AND EAT ALL THE CHICKENS interviewed me.

i wrote on virgin orgasm.

i wrote an article on htmlgiant about a mean man who works at subway.

there's a contest at htmlgiant.

wagner israel cilio 3rd wrote a review of YUM YUM.

xtx reviewed YUM YUM.


"I FEEL WEIRD I NEED TO SIT DOWN"



adam from publishing genius is going to publish this post by shane jones and me as a pdf chapbook.

shame!

16.11.08

DYING RELATIVES

adam from publishing genius will publish the gchat below this post in january as an e-chapbook. shane jones and i will be beat to death at awp and we will be immortalized by quiznos in the form of sandwiches. shane's sandwich will be two pieces of wheat bread with little light bright pieces inside and a single slice of american cheese and mine will be a hot dog bun with mayonnaise and nits. since reading the gchat, don delilo has already thrown a brick with a dead cat taped to it, at my apartment door.

while looking at the brick with the cat taped to it, i remembered that wagner israel cilio III wrote a nice review. i am not saying that i remembered wagner israel cilio III because he is similar to a dead cat taped to a brick, i am pretty sure i don't think that. in the review he compares me to a terrorist. if i am arrested, i want macaulay culkin to assume control of this blog and only post things after not eating for weeks.

also, i encourage more people to argue on the internet.

and remember, all white people are evil.

white-genocide must happen people.

caucacide. they must be stopped.

12.11.08

LONG POST FEATURING SHANE JONES

here is a ghcat between shane jones and me from a few months ago. below it is an imaginative play featuring myself and shane jones, in 20 years. i edited out all of shanes jones' anti-semitic remarks.


Shane: i haven't read since college i guess adam [publishe of light boxes] will set up readings? i don't know

me: probably he'll be like, shane baby we need to get you on a plane to cali stat!

Shane: that would be nice i'll be reading in Buffalo some shithole i actually like buffalo quimbys in chicago would be good i hear that's a hip place

me: chicago is cool

Shane: you're there, jesse ball, kathryn reginai'm sure others i need to get out there on my big tour

me: buffalo, chicago, alaska

Shane: sounds good oakland

me: bulgaria

Shane: really strange tour adam just pointing at a map in random places and laughing throwing money in the air i'll be reading in prisons

me: “you'll go, where i say you'll go”

Shane: jesus

me: (burns you with a cigarette)

Shane: i'd be raped "it's called light boxes"
"what did you say faggot?"
"well, you see, there's balloons and stuff"
"get him!"

me: do people actually say 'get him'? then someone raises their hand and says, yeah i just thoght that the whole plot was contrived

Shane: just rips me apart

me: then stabs you

Shane: "it's all been done before!" (stab)

me: "no arch!" (rape)

Shane: man, that's scary
adam just laughing "should have sold more than 20 copies"
he'll have to publish Blake Butler to get his money back
blake saves the day
"i'll fix this adam"

me: goes to his room and comes back three days later with a novel

Shane: yup
"there you go"
i'll spend like 6 months on some really short novel and email adam about it
he'll just click delete

me: "nice try wanker jones"
"blake here are the keys to a new bentley"

Shane: my subject would be "hi adam sorry about the last book but I thought maybe you would like to..." (click)

me: then he clicks his p.a. and says, "i want him dead"

Shane: yeah, and then it shows me just puttering around my bedroom like an idiot"boy,i sure hope adam responds to my email"

me: (knock knock)

Shane: that must be pizza!

me: silenced pistol to the head
they grab you feet and hands and toss you into the atlantic with a copy of light boxes taped to your head

Shane: adam will burn my body with the 470 copies left of light boxes

me: and kids, that's how shane jones died

Shane: seriously what the fuck is he going to do with 500 copies what is his wife going to say? all stacked up in their house

me: “put them in the garage honey, next to the stairclimber”

Shane: she'd throw a few out every day i'm laughign really hard

me: “oh well honey i just got an email from someone named “jane shones” and he seems like a promising writer”

Shane: just the image of his wife sneaking a few copies in the trash every night spaghetti sauce all over the copies she pushes them down a little

me: raccoon searching through the garbage like, “what the fuck”

Shane: the garbage man, "what is this piece of shit?"

me: “hey phil wait a minute, this is pretty good”

Shane: "why is it so short?"

me: ha (flips through it) “fuck it, i just got blake butlers new one”

Shane: ahhhh next year at this time we'll both be laughing

me: and working at quiznos

Shane: hahaha

me: hey aren't you the guy who wrote light bozes

Shane: some fat guy "this cheese isn't melted enough, put it through your little machine again"

me: “put a little more mayo on that bitch”

Shane: "yes sir"

me: “make it a meal you little bitch”

Shane: you'll be my manager

me: “is there a problem here sir?”

Shane: butler will come in with his women

me: “Ahahaha, oh nothing for me thanks i just ate a white rhino”

Shane: "ladies, would you care for anything, i'm sure mr. jones and mr. pink would like to make you something"

me: “right boys?” (tosses us a million dollar bill)

Shane: "uh-huh, yes"

me: then he writes a novel on a napkin

Shane: "ah, someone should publish this soon" updates his blog on his iphone "forthcoming"

me: adam is out front of quiznos asking for nickels

Shane: shining shoes

me: "i published light boxes, kill me or give me money"

Shane: Blake: "oh that reminds me shane, how did your book do?""10 copies sold" "what? the ladies here can't hear you"

me: then he flicks your nose

Shane: bink! everyone in the store laughs then he orders the entire menu for everyone and we have to make it"give adam the left overs"

me: so kind sir, so kind then we write the great american novel about two guys who work at quiznos and plan to kill blake buitler

Shane: of course. Somehow blake can see this conversation right now "those idiots"

me: yeah i picture him in a giant room with a bunch of tvs

Shane: probably

me: and electrodes attached to his skull

Shane: interns submitting his stuff for him "send this story to ninth letter! quick!"

me: throws a glass of milk at them “yes sir right away”

Shane: "only four acceptances today! what! you jerk-offs!"

me: "someone has to volunteer to die or you all do"
“someon get me a copy of light boxes i have to shit”

Shane: just shits all over it "now it's better"

me: send this to ninth letter

Shane: they publish it"much improved light boxes"

me: and in other news, the sandwiches at quiznos kind of suck lately and are pointless

Shane: always fucking everything up

me: you should do something crazy to promote the book throw it at someone important

Shane: that's pretty good

me: yeah i know

Shane: lindsay lohan?

me: right off the top of my head yes
throw it at her vagina

Shane: it would just get sucked right in "two stars"

me: “the impossible has happened, light boxes stinks more”

Shane: man that would be it i'd just retire

me: a bunch of celebrities reading it

Shane: like in those tabloidssitting on the beach with it i'd go to posh parties in L.A. "hello, hello"

me: “what's shane jones doing this weekend, the insider finds out”

Shane: i'd do really strange things

me: with big designer glasses on

Shane: picture of me fucking a grilled cheese sandwich
like three photos together showing the thrusts

me: “genius author or cheese sandwich fucker?”

Shane: because it's an "underground hit"

me: exactly whereas your average man fucks a grilled cheese and boom, jail time

Shane: yeah, what a sicko i could also be a dick to girls and they would love it just talk about myself all the time "he's so smart"

me: he's a genius it's ok

Shane: that's just not fair some guys actually have that don dellilo is probably like that

me: yeah

Shane: just says whatever he wants and people listen

me: but one day i mean, yeah, who woulnd't like to golf with don delillo

Shane: yeah

me: just act humble at readings like you're misunderstood

Shane: i should start a fight at a reading with a well known author then, in the papers

me: dude i had the same idea

Shane: shane jones, author of light boxes yes!

me: i wanted to film a fistfight and then post it

Shane: "hey michael chabon...yeah you, fuck face!"

me: “what's up homey, what's up” (slap a book out of his hand)

Shane: whap!ohhhhhh snap!

me: get up in his face

Shane: fuck your narrative arch who can i fight at AWP that's the ticket

me: yeah hmmm

Shane: who is the keynote speaker

me: i'm not sure
you gotta start training now

Shane: yeah i gotta get huge
i know
dave eggers
i could take him

me: just lose on purpose BINGO

Shane: hahahaha

me: dave eggers wins total asshole

Shane: dick

me: you're lying on the ground with a bloody mouth, "it's over dave, it's over"

Shane: maybe i can parachute into AWP

me: perfect Shane: throwing copies of lights boxes on my way down me: throwing your book from high Shane: "wheeeeeee!"
"who the fuck is that?"

me: i dont know, throw him out

Shane: "some retard"

me: “yes dave eggers, right away, dave eggers”

Shane: "get him out of here"

me: “oh and kill him, slow”

Shane: "no, wait, i'm a real author"

me: dave eggers: “beat it tard” “there's only one publishing genius and that';s me now burn chicago down”

Shane: eggers drops his pants, all the women, including our girlfriends start sucking him off

me: "i own this town"

Shane: "mine"

me: he does a reading while getting blown

Shane: typical reading for him

me: "hey look everyone shane's back" "who ordered the subs?"

Shane: jesusthat one hurt i can see it i'll have to feed it to dave eggers while my girlfriend is blowing him "excuse me baby, sorry"

me: dave eggers makes you take the onions off

Shane: "i said no onions you fucking idiot" "right right, sorry"

me: "sorry isn't good enough"

Shane: "dance idiot" "and fuck a sub too"

me: "i want you to kill your girlfriend"

Shane: "sure thing mr. eggers"

me: "uh, right away sir, right away, let me just, uh, fuck this salami sub for ya" "there we go"

Shane: "faster"

me: "now wash my feet with your tears"

Shane: i can just seel chris killen standing there "what the hell is this?"

me: "this is bollocks"

Shane: "that's shane jones"

me: "he makes a hell of a sandwich"

Shane: sam pink got quiznos manager of the year this year then you turn and say "i got a pushcart nomination last year!"and dave eggers says "i won that once"

me: "oh i mean twice"

Shane: and a girl blowing him says, "it was three times" "when did i tell you to speak!"

me: ha man when eggers sees this he'll be fuming

Shane: it won't be so funny when we have a knife to our throats

me: his henchmen wear shirts with his face on it

Shane: and our friends find us naked and dead on teh floor yeah we'll be begging for our lives

me: " make sure they see my face when they die"

Shane: big smiling dave eggers king of literature "then rape their pets"

me: "cut their throats with the edge of light boxes"

Shane: i had this thought because adam's editing it this weekend where he realises he's made a huge mistake the look of dread on his face the color just draining from his face his wife saying "what's wrong honey?"

me: "oh dear god, dear god"

Shane: "oh..my...god"

me: "the horror"

Shane: him crying trying to explain it to his wife "but why 500 copies?" i'm laughign now

me: to his wife: “honey, uh, why don't you get me uh , see if the mail is here”
then a gunshot from the house

Shane: i have to tell him i didn't get that artistthat should go over well

me: dang i'm available for one of my sweet micosoft paint pictures anytime just say the word

Shane: i'll let him know

me: ha

Shane: i did get peter markus to give it a blurb that should save me

me: damn this might take off you got the heavy hitters

Shane: yeah dude markus is hugethat guy is amazing i want to write books as good as his

me: yeah but that's leverage like if someone doesn't like ityou can be like well a certain peter markus did

Shane: wow your right no one would do thathe hasn't give the blurb yet "why the fuck did i agree to blurb this piece of shit" i'll get an email from him "can't...sorry, peter"

me: “shane, take my name off your book or else i will send the eggers' henchmen”

Shane: i keep thinking about cover art
what my book will look like

me: you ego maniac

Shane: yup
that's me

me: shane the ego maniac jones
flexing while looking at the mirror

Shane: i wonder what dave eggers is doing right now

me: slitting a baby seal's throat
then writnig a novel with the blood

Shane: sounds about right

me: or he's on gchat with someone

Shane: trying to convince young girls he's dave eggers

me: hell yeah
i just got some lucky charms and i actually considered putting some skittles in them

Shane: that sounds good to me
i don't know why
like it fits

me: i think so

Shane: try it
you've hit a new low point, congrats

me: i know
this is it
now it's on to heroin

Shane: i still like the idea of throwing copies at famous people
i want to hit jonathan franzen with my book
just a smack right across the face

me: bang with the corner

Shane: the book will probably just explode
franzen won't even flinch
"nice try faggot"

me: how funny would that be if the pages just shuffled out

Shane: hahaha

me: and you abjectly tried to collect them as they blew into a puddle

Shane: and i was on my hands and knees collecting the pages
Franzen: "won't be hard to collect them, only what, 120 pages there son?"

me: Franzen: "come on dave eggers, let's go"
(kicks you in the gut)

Shane: i'd make some really girly sound
"ouch"
don delillo would show up and just eat my book
one big bite

me: piss on you

Shane: yeah
shit my book out on me

me: "hey kid, who do you think you're fucking with, i'm don delillo"

Shane: yeah, you can't fuck with him
he's probably a mean motherfucker
just walks around with all his books
huge stack

me: oh look, here's libra
and here's underworld
and here's oh i fucking lost count

Shane: i'd hold up my little book
he'd knock it out of my hand with his cock
whap

me: the cover (a polaroid of your face taken right before publication) rips in half


2030, A Play


Thirty years from now. A Quiznos at a strip mall where there’s also a store that went out of business and a store that sells tools to fix shopping carts. Inside Quiznos, Shane Jones and Sam Pink are working. There is no one else at the Quiznos and Shane Jones and Sam Pink are slapping each other with those cellophane gloves and saying random swear words.

Shane Jones: Hey man, do you need like, 498 copies of Light Boxes? I wonder what dave eggers is doing right now

Sam Pink: Shane, as your manager i feel you should know that the value box contains EITHER a cookie OR the chips. NOT BOTH. Now give me head.

10.11.08

NEW CHAPBOOK

hello. j.a. tyler started a new press. it is called mud luscious press. ml press prints limited copies of short chapbooks. i have one coming out sometime soon. i feel human excitement about it. i think it is strong in the way that an old man is surprisingly strong when he grabs your arm because you are misbehaving in public and your mom is not around to punish you by saying that satan will eat your penis off. then you are embarrassed by the old man and also worried that an old man possesses that much strength and you secretly plot to kill the old man because he must be stopped. the chapbook is a 1000 word play called BE NICE TO EVERYONE. i will post when it comes out. there will only be maybe 50. it is good. 2 U.S. dollars. go buy blake butler's, nick antosca's and brandi wells'. james chapman also has one coming out the same time as me. i sent him YUM YUM to see if he wanted ot publish it. he declined but said nice things about it. james chapman: decidedly not a butthole.

5.11.08

BLATANT RIPOFF POST

hello. shane jones posted about getting his book published. blake butler posted about getting his book published. since i have no personality, i wrote a similar post. the follow narrative describes the process. editor barry graham is depicted as a hershey kiss and i am the poorly drawn female reproductive system. i think you have to click on the pictures to see them.






(contd.)





3.11.08

DANIEL BAILEY'S "EAST CENTRAL INDIANA" AND A REVIEW OF "YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE'

EAST CENTRAL INDIANA

hello. i wrote a review of daniel bailey's poetry e-book EAST CENTRAL INDIANA on htmlgiant.

EAST CENTRAL INDIANA is the best book of poems i have ever read.

instead of talking about the book, i will post THE DANIEL BAILEY CATECHISM:


THE DANIEL BAILEY CATECHISM

Daniel Bailey is my creator.
Daniel Bailey will staple a leaf to my cheek and i will feel blessed.
Daniel Bailey will help me raise my children by showing me how to assert myself through rules.
Daniel Bailey measures how much cereal i have left and then decides if taking a bowl for himself would deprive me of a bowl.
Daniel Bailey does not ask for a valve of my heart in which to situate a hammock but i will not fail to offer him one.
Daniel Bailey is better than all conceptions of god up until this point.
Daniel Bailey cut off my dad’s legs using a shovel he sharpened with a big rock and he raped my dad by telling him things about living in Indiana and the raping made my dad's ears melt into the holes of my dad’s skull.
Daniel Bailey did that thing from Home Alone and he fooled the pizza guy, then Daniel Bailey did that with a bunch of other stuff and now he owns a lot of stuff.
Daniel Bailey comes to me when i am high on keyboard aerosol.
Daniel Bailey knows different ways to arrange for the explosion of a can of household cleaner and he wants to blow my hands off the next time i reach into the mailbox and i will pray to him and thank him by knocking my wrist bones together.
Daniel Bailey has always been a nice person to me.
Daniel Bailey is going to die like everyone else but he wrote EAST CENTRAL INDIANA so if you think about it whatever.


REVIEW OF YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE

also, here is a review of YUM YUM I CANT'T WAIT TO DIE that made me understand the book better. every time i read a review, it reminds me of what i actually said in the book. for some reason i can't remember any of the lines ever.