12.11.08

LONG POST FEATURING SHANE JONES

here is a ghcat between shane jones and me from a few months ago. below it is an imaginative play featuring myself and shane jones, in 20 years. i edited out all of shanes jones' anti-semitic remarks.


Shane: i haven't read since college i guess adam [publishe of light boxes] will set up readings? i don't know

me: probably he'll be like, shane baby we need to get you on a plane to cali stat!

Shane: that would be nice i'll be reading in Buffalo some shithole i actually like buffalo quimbys in chicago would be good i hear that's a hip place

me: chicago is cool

Shane: you're there, jesse ball, kathryn reginai'm sure others i need to get out there on my big tour

me: buffalo, chicago, alaska

Shane: sounds good oakland

me: bulgaria

Shane: really strange tour adam just pointing at a map in random places and laughing throwing money in the air i'll be reading in prisons

me: “you'll go, where i say you'll go”

Shane: jesus

me: (burns you with a cigarette)

Shane: i'd be raped "it's called light boxes"
"what did you say faggot?"
"well, you see, there's balloons and stuff"
"get him!"

me: do people actually say 'get him'? then someone raises their hand and says, yeah i just thoght that the whole plot was contrived

Shane: just rips me apart

me: then stabs you

Shane: "it's all been done before!" (stab)

me: "no arch!" (rape)

Shane: man, that's scary
adam just laughing "should have sold more than 20 copies"
he'll have to publish Blake Butler to get his money back
blake saves the day
"i'll fix this adam"

me: goes to his room and comes back three days later with a novel

Shane: yup
"there you go"
i'll spend like 6 months on some really short novel and email adam about it
he'll just click delete

me: "nice try wanker jones"
"blake here are the keys to a new bentley"

Shane: my subject would be "hi adam sorry about the last book but I thought maybe you would like to..." (click)

me: then he clicks his p.a. and says, "i want him dead"

Shane: yeah, and then it shows me just puttering around my bedroom like an idiot"boy,i sure hope adam responds to my email"

me: (knock knock)

Shane: that must be pizza!

me: silenced pistol to the head
they grab you feet and hands and toss you into the atlantic with a copy of light boxes taped to your head

Shane: adam will burn my body with the 470 copies left of light boxes

me: and kids, that's how shane jones died

Shane: seriously what the fuck is he going to do with 500 copies what is his wife going to say? all stacked up in their house

me: “put them in the garage honey, next to the stairclimber”

Shane: she'd throw a few out every day i'm laughign really hard

me: “oh well honey i just got an email from someone named “jane shones” and he seems like a promising writer”

Shane: just the image of his wife sneaking a few copies in the trash every night spaghetti sauce all over the copies she pushes them down a little

me: raccoon searching through the garbage like, “what the fuck”

Shane: the garbage man, "what is this piece of shit?"

me: “hey phil wait a minute, this is pretty good”

Shane: "why is it so short?"

me: ha (flips through it) “fuck it, i just got blake butlers new one”

Shane: ahhhh next year at this time we'll both be laughing

me: and working at quiznos

Shane: hahaha

me: hey aren't you the guy who wrote light bozes

Shane: some fat guy "this cheese isn't melted enough, put it through your little machine again"

me: “put a little more mayo on that bitch”

Shane: "yes sir"

me: “make it a meal you little bitch”

Shane: you'll be my manager

me: “is there a problem here sir?”

Shane: butler will come in with his women

me: “Ahahaha, oh nothing for me thanks i just ate a white rhino”

Shane: "ladies, would you care for anything, i'm sure mr. jones and mr. pink would like to make you something"

me: “right boys?” (tosses us a million dollar bill)

Shane: "uh-huh, yes"

me: then he writes a novel on a napkin

Shane: "ah, someone should publish this soon" updates his blog on his iphone "forthcoming"

me: adam is out front of quiznos asking for nickels

Shane: shining shoes

me: "i published light boxes, kill me or give me money"

Shane: Blake: "oh that reminds me shane, how did your book do?""10 copies sold" "what? the ladies here can't hear you"

me: then he flicks your nose

Shane: bink! everyone in the store laughs then he orders the entire menu for everyone and we have to make it"give adam the left overs"

me: so kind sir, so kind then we write the great american novel about two guys who work at quiznos and plan to kill blake buitler

Shane: of course. Somehow blake can see this conversation right now "those idiots"

me: yeah i picture him in a giant room with a bunch of tvs

Shane: probably

me: and electrodes attached to his skull

Shane: interns submitting his stuff for him "send this story to ninth letter! quick!"

me: throws a glass of milk at them “yes sir right away”

Shane: "only four acceptances today! what! you jerk-offs!"

me: "someone has to volunteer to die or you all do"
“someon get me a copy of light boxes i have to shit”

Shane: just shits all over it "now it's better"

me: send this to ninth letter

Shane: they publish it"much improved light boxes"

me: and in other news, the sandwiches at quiznos kind of suck lately and are pointless

Shane: always fucking everything up

me: you should do something crazy to promote the book throw it at someone important

Shane: that's pretty good

me: yeah i know

Shane: lindsay lohan?

me: right off the top of my head yes
throw it at her vagina

Shane: it would just get sucked right in "two stars"

me: “the impossible has happened, light boxes stinks more”

Shane: man that would be it i'd just retire

me: a bunch of celebrities reading it

Shane: like in those tabloidssitting on the beach with it i'd go to posh parties in L.A. "hello, hello"

me: “what's shane jones doing this weekend, the insider finds out”

Shane: i'd do really strange things

me: with big designer glasses on

Shane: picture of me fucking a grilled cheese sandwich
like three photos together showing the thrusts

me: “genius author or cheese sandwich fucker?”

Shane: because it's an "underground hit"

me: exactly whereas your average man fucks a grilled cheese and boom, jail time

Shane: yeah, what a sicko i could also be a dick to girls and they would love it just talk about myself all the time "he's so smart"

me: he's a genius it's ok

Shane: that's just not fair some guys actually have that don dellilo is probably like that

me: yeah

Shane: just says whatever he wants and people listen

me: but one day i mean, yeah, who woulnd't like to golf with don delillo

Shane: yeah

me: just act humble at readings like you're misunderstood

Shane: i should start a fight at a reading with a well known author then, in the papers

me: dude i had the same idea

Shane: shane jones, author of light boxes yes!

me: i wanted to film a fistfight and then post it

Shane: "hey michael chabon...yeah you, fuck face!"

me: “what's up homey, what's up” (slap a book out of his hand)

Shane: whap!ohhhhhh snap!

me: get up in his face

Shane: fuck your narrative arch who can i fight at AWP that's the ticket

me: yeah hmmm

Shane: who is the keynote speaker

me: i'm not sure
you gotta start training now

Shane: yeah i gotta get huge
i know
dave eggers
i could take him

me: just lose on purpose BINGO

Shane: hahahaha

me: dave eggers wins total asshole

Shane: dick

me: you're lying on the ground with a bloody mouth, "it's over dave, it's over"

Shane: maybe i can parachute into AWP

me: perfect Shane: throwing copies of lights boxes on my way down me: throwing your book from high Shane: "wheeeeeee!"
"who the fuck is that?"

me: i dont know, throw him out

Shane: "some retard"

me: “yes dave eggers, right away, dave eggers”

Shane: "get him out of here"

me: “oh and kill him, slow”

Shane: "no, wait, i'm a real author"

me: dave eggers: “beat it tard” “there's only one publishing genius and that';s me now burn chicago down”

Shane: eggers drops his pants, all the women, including our girlfriends start sucking him off

me: "i own this town"

Shane: "mine"

me: he does a reading while getting blown

Shane: typical reading for him

me: "hey look everyone shane's back" "who ordered the subs?"

Shane: jesusthat one hurt i can see it i'll have to feed it to dave eggers while my girlfriend is blowing him "excuse me baby, sorry"

me: dave eggers makes you take the onions off

Shane: "i said no onions you fucking idiot" "right right, sorry"

me: "sorry isn't good enough"

Shane: "dance idiot" "and fuck a sub too"

me: "i want you to kill your girlfriend"

Shane: "sure thing mr. eggers"

me: "uh, right away sir, right away, let me just, uh, fuck this salami sub for ya" "there we go"

Shane: "faster"

me: "now wash my feet with your tears"

Shane: i can just seel chris killen standing there "what the hell is this?"

me: "this is bollocks"

Shane: "that's shane jones"

me: "he makes a hell of a sandwich"

Shane: sam pink got quiznos manager of the year this year then you turn and say "i got a pushcart nomination last year!"and dave eggers says "i won that once"

me: "oh i mean twice"

Shane: and a girl blowing him says, "it was three times" "when did i tell you to speak!"

me: ha man when eggers sees this he'll be fuming

Shane: it won't be so funny when we have a knife to our throats

me: his henchmen wear shirts with his face on it

Shane: and our friends find us naked and dead on teh floor yeah we'll be begging for our lives

me: " make sure they see my face when they die"

Shane: big smiling dave eggers king of literature "then rape their pets"

me: "cut their throats with the edge of light boxes"

Shane: i had this thought because adam's editing it this weekend where he realises he's made a huge mistake the look of dread on his face the color just draining from his face his wife saying "what's wrong honey?"

me: "oh dear god, dear god"

Shane: "oh..my...god"

me: "the horror"

Shane: him crying trying to explain it to his wife "but why 500 copies?" i'm laughign now

me: to his wife: “honey, uh, why don't you get me uh , see if the mail is here”
then a gunshot from the house

Shane: i have to tell him i didn't get that artistthat should go over well

me: dang i'm available for one of my sweet micosoft paint pictures anytime just say the word

Shane: i'll let him know

me: ha

Shane: i did get peter markus to give it a blurb that should save me

me: damn this might take off you got the heavy hitters

Shane: yeah dude markus is hugethat guy is amazing i want to write books as good as his

me: yeah but that's leverage like if someone doesn't like ityou can be like well a certain peter markus did

Shane: wow your right no one would do thathe hasn't give the blurb yet "why the fuck did i agree to blurb this piece of shit" i'll get an email from him "can't...sorry, peter"

me: “shane, take my name off your book or else i will send the eggers' henchmen”

Shane: i keep thinking about cover art
what my book will look like

me: you ego maniac

Shane: yup
that's me

me: shane the ego maniac jones
flexing while looking at the mirror

Shane: i wonder what dave eggers is doing right now

me: slitting a baby seal's throat
then writnig a novel with the blood

Shane: sounds about right

me: or he's on gchat with someone

Shane: trying to convince young girls he's dave eggers

me: hell yeah
i just got some lucky charms and i actually considered putting some skittles in them

Shane: that sounds good to me
i don't know why
like it fits

me: i think so

Shane: try it
you've hit a new low point, congrats

me: i know
this is it
now it's on to heroin

Shane: i still like the idea of throwing copies at famous people
i want to hit jonathan franzen with my book
just a smack right across the face

me: bang with the corner

Shane: the book will probably just explode
franzen won't even flinch
"nice try faggot"

me: how funny would that be if the pages just shuffled out

Shane: hahaha

me: and you abjectly tried to collect them as they blew into a puddle

Shane: and i was on my hands and knees collecting the pages
Franzen: "won't be hard to collect them, only what, 120 pages there son?"

me: Franzen: "come on dave eggers, let's go"
(kicks you in the gut)

Shane: i'd make some really girly sound
"ouch"
don delillo would show up and just eat my book
one big bite

me: piss on you

Shane: yeah
shit my book out on me

me: "hey kid, who do you think you're fucking with, i'm don delillo"

Shane: yeah, you can't fuck with him
he's probably a mean motherfucker
just walks around with all his books
huge stack

me: oh look, here's libra
and here's underworld
and here's oh i fucking lost count

Shane: i'd hold up my little book
he'd knock it out of my hand with his cock
whap

me: the cover (a polaroid of your face taken right before publication) rips in half


2030, A Play


Thirty years from now. A Quiznos at a strip mall where there’s also a store that went out of business and a store that sells tools to fix shopping carts. Inside Quiznos, Shane Jones and Sam Pink are working. There is no one else at the Quiznos and Shane Jones and Sam Pink are slapping each other with those cellophane gloves and saying random swear words.

Shane Jones: Hey man, do you need like, 498 copies of Light Boxes? I wonder what dave eggers is doing right now

Sam Pink: Shane, as your manager i feel you should know that the value box contains EITHER a cookie OR the chips. NOT BOTH. Now give me head.

22 comments:

BLAKE BUTLER said...

this was really good, except for when you stopped talking about me, when you stopped talking about me i started to scroll faster, i read 3 of 7 words through the parts not about me

"i just ate a white rhino”

if i had been drinking my sprite zero when i read that line it would have done something inside my head

i was supposed to publish this on my innovative literature journal but you never sent it to me queerbait

god i hate you guys

sam pink said...

oh shit i forgot about that.

fuck.

it seems like fifteen years ago white people liked to shave their sideburns off like really far up their heads and wear neon sunglasses.

DOGZPLOT said...

i agree with blake. you havent talked about me for awhile on this blog and im just scrolling through not reading all this lame shit thats not about me.

you should try your hand at screenwriting. i bet a sam pink production would be bad ass. have you ever?

ryan call said...

i cant stop laughing

i am nominating this post for apushcart

Shane Jones said...

thanks for posting this sam, i think. i'm currently waiting for the email from Adam that says "fuck you, you're dead to me." or maybe that will be from Dave Eggers. word verification: LADAM

sam pink said...

barry, actually, this was before CLONE. i edited some of the less humorous parts out but at one point, shane suggests sending the book to you for possible publication.

ryan call, another pushcart nomination will no doubt get me Adjunct Day Shift Manager at Quiznos.

shane jones, after adam read this, he went to his study, and there was a poster for light boxes on a mirror and he walked up to the mirror and crumpled the light boxes poster off the mirror and it revealed his scowling face (i stole that from rocky 4 but i feel it applies). we will be laughing about this when we are selling upwards of three books each in bulgaria.

gena said...

one time i thought bulgaria was in africa

sam pink said...

GENA, I AM NOMINATING YOUR COMMENT FOR A PUSHCART.

THE WORD VERIFICATION IS "TWISHNI"

DOGZPLOT said...

i thought bulgaria was a continent

word verification is ovens

sam pink said...

"twishni" is from "bulgaria" and she likes "ovens" and also making "ladam" which is the national and or contintental drink of bulgaria.

BLAKE BUTLER said...

'worst author born in 1999'

sam pink said...

'making thirteen year olds laugh since 2007'

jereme said...

gena makes me laugh

the gchat typos make me feel better about my own immense typing fuck ups.

sam/shane, i am glad you are not the type who edit/re-edit their chats before hitting the enter key.

watching 'punky brewster is editing text' for 15 minutes only to see 'i feel neutral today' is harsh on my brain sack. i want to potato knife mexican children when this occurs. seriously, 15 minutes for 4 fucking words?

my word verification is 'catices'

the 13 year old transgender hooker catices me into paying $5 for a double fancy hand caress under the bulgarian moonlight.

DOGZPLOT said...

dirty smelly bulgarian whores are different then dirty smelly venezuelan whores because one of the whores is from bulgaria

Drew Kalbach said...

that was hysterical

my parents caught my laughing at that post and said 'we no longer love you'

good job

gena said...

oh mah gawd i hope i win!!!11111one

chris killen said...

i laughed a lot.

the word verification says 'imentse'.

sam pink said...

"there was a band. called the pots and pans. the made this noise, the people couldn't stand. and when they toured all across the land, the people said, 'no no no.' the people said, 'no no no.' but the drummer said, 'yes yes yes. 'this tour is a test.' this is where is starts and this is where it ends, let's tear this whole thing down, and build it up again. this band's a beating heart and it's nowhere near its end."

the word verification is "trines."

an imentse swarm of trines removed the top layer of skin from the bulgarian hooker trishni and each trine spit out her skin cells having refined them in their catices and the skin cells hardened in the ovens of each trine's stomach valve and the trined smiled and laughed.

ryan manning said...

teenage girls will be preyed upon

sam pink said...

perhaps ryan manning will be high- fived.

Lisa Ladehoff said...

i'm not sure why you're quoting les savy fav but i like that song and this was very 'laugh-out-loud' funny as it were, and after i laughed i started wheezing and coughing until my right lung began to collapse because i've been trying to kick this terrible cold the last couple weeks i love you both

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