bradley sands (ruined his corduroys with a bloody wet dream) reviewed YUM YUM I CAN"T WAIT TO DIE on NOO JOURNAL. i liked the last edition of noo journal. one time i sent something to noo journal and it was rejected with a nice note from mike young. i like mike young. and ryan call. i think they are the editors. if they aren't, then it would be weird for them to reject the work i sent. the work i sent was called MEGA HORNY RANDOM DEATH GENERATOR--DIE DIE DIE. i think highlights magazine accepted it. i am glad bradley sands wrote the review because i like bradley sands. also, i wrote this post about YUM YUM I CAN"T WAIT TO DIE because i just finished it the other day. it is a book length poem now. a while ago i wrote a post about emailing people a new book i had finished. it was a long poem called YOUR HUGS ARE TERRIBLE AND NOTHING GETS ME HARD ANYMORE. before i was done, the whole "people aren't getting copies of YUM YUM" thing happened so i stopped writing the book to make and mail out copies of YUM YUM myself. when i reread YOUR HUGS ARE TERRIBLE it seemed like it was a lot like YUM YUM. so now i combined them into a really long poem. it is six times longer than YUM YUM and six times as "hardcore gay in the mouth." i think i am going to start sending it out. i don't know what i am doing. that is what i constantly think when i am writing and sending things out. i don't know what i am doing. i printed out the new book the other day. i walked to a printing store in a snow storm. i held the book under my coat so it wouldn't get wet. now it is pretty much done. maybe i will email it to people. i don't know what i am doing. i like it. when i read it, it feels good. and it feels like i am done writing the short things separated by an asterisk type of bullshit. i don't know what i am doing. maybe i will title it YUM YUM I CAN"T WAIT TO DIE or maybe i will change it so people aren't like "oh this shit again." i can't think of a better title. maybe i will call it "6 year old + dildo covered in glue = eat my beard out." i don't know what i am doing. someone from greying ghost said they would look at it. i don't know what i am doing. i even edited the original parts of YUM YUM to be more nicer. i don't know what the mood is but when i feel it i don't like it. whenever i write something i feel like i am in a weird mood. then i look back and i don't recognize anything. also, i will post soon about another book that is almost done. it is a book of plays. BE NICE TO EVERYONE came from the book. there are two other versions of BE NICE TO EVERYONE in the collection and i changed the original version. there are a bunch of other plays in it too. if you like BE NICE TO EVERYONE and A PLAY ABOUT TWO PEOPLE, then you are an idiot and maybe you would like this book too. i don't know what it is called. i keep thinking it should be called THE HUMAN BODY IS A FIREPLACE AND IT CANNOT BE KILLED but i don't know. maybe i will call it "GLOBAL WARMING IS GOOD BECAUSE I LIKE TO PLAY FRISBEE IN THE SUN." i don't know what i am doing. the book is really long. i have to edit it more and put in more lines about not being a human. it is 800 pages long. what am i doing. i think i want to have a child now so i can have some direction. i would make a good parent. i am nice. i don't know what i am doing maybe i should have a kid. i feel really angry. new kinds of anger. if i can focus and stop watching tv to stop feeling alone, then the books will be done and maybe someone will print them. i don't know what i am doing. i am glad you are reading this. i am sorry for talking about myself a lot. i am just excited about the books. i want to start a journal soon. who knows about computers. mega horny random death generator die die die die. you are a failure if you choose an enemy outside of yourself. you are weak if you look for a foreign enemy. fuck. i don't know what i am doing. i hope you don't feel like you wasted your time reading this. i have mistreated many people. i am going to be good. i am going to staple a small sheet of paper to my head that says, "ask me about my inability to get along with myself and others." i don't know what i am doing. i avoid things i think will make me happy because those things are the hardest to think about later. i want to confuse a delivery person by ordering my groceries from now on and whenever the delivery person comes, i will use a raspy voice and say, "slip it beneath the door my child." i like to stare at people. when this mood is over i will never feel it again. i will act like i am cured and then when i feel it again i will act confused. barry said he would send me a proof of I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT. i am nerbous (nervous with a 'b' is worse than regular nervous). i am mumbling a lot lately. i think my only belief is that i will be nice to people so they don't hate me because i can't convince myself not to hate myself. i haven't been sledding in a while. i am just remembering a show called MURPHY BROWN. maybe that show doesn't exist. when i turned 22 i knew my life was over. when i turned eight i had my first thought of suicide. everything is going real good. my dog acts nervous when i accidentally step on his leg when i am not looking and then i apologize to him and hug him for a while because it seems like he thinks he did something wrong. i am going to fall out of my chair now. ok i just got up. if anyone feels i have been mean to them at all i don't know what i am doing. the angel gabriel inhabits the bodies of all people who cut hair so if i ever get a haircut gabriel can slash my throat out. i keep thinking "oh humans." everything is getting shorter. and nobody wants to wash my body. thanks. goodbye. hopeless i have a spine that is exhausted and indignant about its job. today i walked through pilsen and a small mexican kid said hey and i said hey how are you doing and he smiled and for five seconds i did everything right. i am never comfortable. hamas. giant chocolate space suit motherfucker. goodbye. everyone is nice until you talk to them. somebody print up these books so i can hang myself from my balcony holding my roomate's cat whose name is NAPOLEON and who i call BABY LEON. it doesn't bother me to think about parents having sex. blake butler is the creator he made everything except for ecto cooler. i will treat you like my son after an AYSO soccer game. mothe4fucker + hamas = ecto cooler in my eye. you are all growing up and i like to watch you get bigger. i hope my grandpa never dies because then i will be ruined. i am counting down to being an even deader motherfucker. the liars album "DRUM IS DEAD" is nice. i walked to it yesterday and thought all humans had disappeared. motherfucker i am about to fall out of my chair. see you. i don't know what i am doing.



i finished editing I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT. barry graham helped edit it. he is the editor for PAPERHERO PRESS. first, let me say: if you just read barry's name and thought, "what a dickhole," then please read on. when i finished the manuscript, i thought "no one will ever love this." then i looked at the manuscript and thought, "no one will ever love this either." noah cicero had told me to send it out. he told me to send it to the lady who published his book TREATISE (which is really good). the lady emailed me back that she had read half on a plane somewhere and really liked it and that it would make a good addition to her publication. then she never emailed me back or responded to me. i assume she evaporated and became the wetness on the window of a very lonely old man with bad knees. i really liked her. noah then told me of a press called COOKIE TREE PRESS. i somehow found barry graham's email and thought he was the editor. i sent him a sort of query. the query was something like, "hey uh, is it ok if the manuscript is stupid?" he said to send it. then i found out he wasn't the editor. i sent the manuscript to a few places and still haven't heard back. blake butler (not necessarily a dickhole in a bad way) posted about the manuscript one day. he had recently fallen asleep next to a broken refrigerator and was high on freon. after he posted, barry graham emailed me and wanted to know if he could see it for a chapbook collection which PAPERHERO PRESS does as well. i told him it was 30,000 words long and is that the right length for a chapbook? he said no. i emailed him back asking if i could send him the whole manuscript to see if he knew of any presses (i don't know anything about presses). i sent him the manuscript and the next day or maybe the day after that, he said he had started a new press and wanted to use I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT for the first release. i waited to respond. i went for a walk along the highway. i wanted a car to hit me because i thought the car would explode. then i walked off the highway and a fox stared at me. i stared at the fox and the fox ran away. i wanted the fox to attack me so i could kill it. it didn't. i emailed barry back something about how FSG was really interested but PAPERHERO could have the manuscript. then in a few days we made a cover. then we started editing. honestly, barry is the shit with the editing. he said up front that nothing had to be changed but he would make suggestions. i feel like that was a good way to make me be like, "i will now consider his changes more sincerely." nice work barry, you dickhole, you tricked me. we went through six versions of the book. now i feel that it is much better. barry is really honest in a way that makes me feel good. i feel the same emotions towards someone who says, "this sucks" in honesty, as someone who says, "this is good" in honesty. here is a typical email barry had to deal with:

yo barry, wuddup mang. just so you know, the deal is FUCKING OFF if the paper for the book isn't manufactured from a one hundred year old red wood with a hippy living in it. also, is there any way to make ink out of an endangered rhino's semen? you better fucking find out. also, if we go to awp, i demand that you strap books to you back and let me ride around on you distributing them. i own you barry. you're mine. don't fuck this up if you want to sell upwards of 15 books.


i am feeling alright writing this. i think i am writing it so more people will send manuscripts to paper hero press. please send work to barry. he knows more than me and is very sincere about publishing books. go to the paper hero website or the achilles chapbook website and purchase some books. they are cheap. and barry maybe touched them all so you can put the book by your face when you are sleeping and act like someone loves you. i don't know what i am talking about. i have to take a shit. i woke up today and looked at myself while pissing and thought, "you are an ugly fuck." i love you barry!


i am worried a lot that my fingernails are going to fall off for no reason

adam robinson, publishing genius, reviewed my chapbook play BE NICE TO EVERYONE.

you can still buy it from powell's book store. go to this page and consider buying it, or just leave a ridiculous message about something on the review page.

i think i will say something about plays in a little while like a few weeks maybe.

a new magazine KITTY SNACKS is going to publish some of my work. they put one poem online and the rest will be in their magazine. send them some work.

i am part of a new blog called NO CHANCE: A QUARTER TO ONE with socrates adams florou and chris killen and some other people. it is a motivational blog. check out IMMENSE CAVITY OF HAPPINESS and other posts. socrates and chris write better posts than me. they make me laugh.

lastly, kathryn regina tagged me. this means i must write seven things about myself and then tag seven other people to do the same. kathryn regina wrote this chapbook which kicked a big thorn stem into my urethra and did not apologize sincerely. i really really like it. she is somewhere else.

here are my eight things (i just added one):

1. i just popped a zit on my face and it caused like, that good-painful feeling.

2. not masturbating for a few days causes extreme anxiety to the point of me not recognizing myself in retrospect. for some reason i start to think that the few people who matter to me will die soon.

3. i spend a lot of time kissing my dog's head and telling him what a good boy he is.

4. last night i watched SAVED BY THE BELL and it was the episode where mr belding's brother comes to teach at the high school and he abandons the kids right before a field trip.

5. today i went for a walk in a blizzard.

6. i have been institutionalized.

7. i still do that little kid dance thing when i am eating something i like.

8. one time i was sitting outside a subway restaurant and a girl walked by and she was drunk and she looked at me and said, "just to let you know, you are really creepy."

i hereby tag the following people to do the same:

socrates adams florou
mallory reed
blake butler
lisa ladehoff
drew kalbach
chris killen
the guy who played VIGO on the ghostbuster's movie

in conclusion, i think it would be funny to build a snowman around someone and then retrieve another person and walk by the snowman and then have the person inside the snowman jump out. i think it would be worth the effort.

NEW: if you preorder I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT barry graham will throw in four free chapbooks and the chapbooks are not shitty. i did the cover for ja tylers.

read this by blake butler.



1. I was walking on the sidewalk and I saw a body lying on the street with a blanket over it. There were police everywhere. I think maybe the police could’ve situated a bunch of tissues or pillows underneath the blanket just to fool me but I don’t think they would do that.

2. I walked down the street and saw the dead body lying on the street with a blanket over it. I thought about getting underneath the blanket too but I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing when the police loaded me into the ambulance.

3. I saw the dead body. There were a lot of people standing around but no one was talking to each other. I crossed the street and there was a man at the other side. I looked at him and said, “It is really cold out.” He said, “Yeah.” And I walked passed him.

4. I walked passed the dead body and after I was out of sight the dead body disintegrated and floated upward in small screams that no one could hear.

5. I walked up to the dead body and the police. I looked at one of the policemen and said, “If you want I can lift it up and put it way high up in a tree so it’s out of everybody’s way.” The policemen said, “For some reason the first thing I thought after you just talked to me was ‘fuck you.’” I thanked him and told him to come get me if he needed someone to throw the dead body way up high into a tree.

6. The dead body wasn’t really there I just mistook a really big puddle for a dead body.

7. I walked up to the dead body and tried to tickle its feet. It didn’t move when I tickled its feet. A cop said, “I tried too. Nothing.” I said, “Let’s treat it like a wishbone.” The cop smiled and turned around. I left.

8. I folded the dead body up when no one was looking. I put the folded dead body up in my pocket. I walked away. I was so excited to have it, I left it in my pocket and touched it once in a while to make sure it was still there. It was always still there. Now I don’t even check.

9. I saw the dead body and walked across the street. I waited at a bus stop with another person. I think the other person was trying not to make eye contact with me. I understood that and appreciated that. I looked at my feet and forgot what I was supposed to be doing for the next couple of decades.

10. I came up to the dead body and I looked at it. I could tell where the nose was and where the mouth was. When I tried to imagine more it became impossible. I wanted to lift the blanket to see the dead body but I knew how cold the dead body would be without the blanket. I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t care. I still don’t care.



1. holy ass! here is the chapbook cover for ja tyler's new chapbook EVERYONE IN THIS IS EITHER DYING OR WILL DIE OR IS THINKING ABOUT DEATH. i did the picture and barry graham designed it.

2. i still can't slam dunk a basketball. i just checked.

3. also, i am kind of alarmed that i keep forgetting to brush my teeth before i go to sleep.

4. here is a gchat i had with daniel bailey:

daniel: goddamit
i am really drunk
me: hell yeah
daniel: i just won 2 free packs of cigarettes
me: i was just worrying to myself, "is daniel bailey drunk right now"
nice what kind
daniel: camel lights
anthen another kind of camels
that unleashes menthol
when you reoll the shit or soetig shiw
me: soetig shiw
daniel: yeah
or something
me: soetig shiw sounds like a swedish death metal band
daniel: i am prteyy drunk me and my borther and going to start a band
the name is
me: i saw a huge woman on a motorized vehicle at the grocery store
daniel: the name is two babies trying to fuck without boners
me: haha
"i was at their first show man"
daniel: it will be intense and bagha bagha
shit i am too drunk
do you ever have those nights
where you think "at least 3 girls in this bar are ready to have sex with me"
and then they all leave early
me: oh mang
talk to them early on
otherwise they are like, "he doesn't want to bang me and i am going to leave early because of that"
daniel: oh know shit
me: but you gotta be like, "oh yes, yes i do. if it is ok with you we can bang each other"
daniel: i thought at least 1 of them would be there longer
me: go with the long look at least
where it's like, they know you are thinking about sex and that you might politely ask them to bang.
daniel: i did the long look
me: and nothgin?
daniel: nothing
me: you should have been like "soetig shiw"
daniel: hahah
i should said that outloud into a microphone
fuck yes
did i mention the band name for the band me and my brother are about to start
we are going to start a band called called "two babies trying to fuck without boners"
me: yeah dude
daniel: fuckin a
i want to do hiphop
me: hip hop
daniel: i want to hip hop the fuck out of the world
me: "daniel bailey, smelling dead like lane staley, can't fade me, i traded eyeballs with an israeli"
daniel: hahaha shit yes
s my d to the nth degree
all you motherfuckas with ya dicks in th pee
shit to the balls ass to the walls
i'm gonna erupt ya face
i don't have anything after after that
you should rap instead of me
me: can my name be "m.c. sacksmooch"
daniel: hahaha

5. here is an idea i had the other day. i made a diagram of how to sew yourself into a quilt.

i think this is a good idea because it allows you to lie down on someone without that someone getting upset. also, if you hate your life and want to float away like a flying squirrel then this is the way to go.

6. i got my copy of GREAT the other day. it looks really nice. i am proud of 'brando' scott gorrell and chelsea martin.

7. order YIPPEE magazine from alicia pernell.

8. die motherfucker die motherfucker die motherfucker die




two people were murdered by my apartment. i wish my job was taking names off of mailboxes.


i saw a guy fall on the sidewalk when he was trying to get on the bus. he lifted his arm and it was broken. it looked like he was screaming but for some reason i couldn't hear him screaming. he was making a screaming face and his friend picked him up off the sidewalk and they walked away, the friend lifting the coat over the man with the broken arm. it looked like the friend was trying to make the man with the broken arm disappear into the coat. i think i would like to be able to make people disappear into my coat.


there is a place in my mouth that i have bitten three or four times today and it is now long strings of pulp that keep getting stuck in my teeth. i am working up the courage to eat the stringy pulp.

ALSO: BE NICE TO EVERYONE has sold out. 56 copies. if you want one there will more in powell's later this month, or take your pick, you have 56 targets/murder victims.

ALSO: i have art at REDIVIDER.



i have some art in the new REDIVIDER. you don't have to buy it to see the art. here is the link. if you click on the piece, it gets bigger and you can see it better.




blake butler is a nice and genuine person. he is a giant stone at the bottom of the ocean with plant life growing on it.

here is a blurb for EVER:

"damn son, if this book were a blog post, it would get like, probably 17 comments, no repeats."


shane jones is also nice and genuine. as previously discussed on this blog, he will be my coworker at quiznos in twenty years.

here is a blurb for LIGHT BOXES:

"shane jones will probably be at a family party sometime and one of his aunts will be like, 'i heard you wrote a book' then shane will nod and say how much he liked the dip she brought and that he will probably eat more of it. then they both will never talk about the book again."

i will be honest now. i think that blake and shane are two people who deserve to be read. when i read their work, i think, "this person is somewhere else." that is all that matters to me when reading. somewhere that i can only get by reading the work. there is no joy in reading something that i can do. i can't do what blake and shane do. they are somewhere else, and i like that they let me see it.

here are some pictures that represent my experience with reading their work:

in this picture, the greatness of blake and shane's work has rendered me incapable of enjoying my life.

in this picture, slightly after the realization of my own worthlessness, my head explodes and floats away as two differently colored balls with indistinct features.

BE NICE TO EVERYONE is for sale.

I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT is for sale (i am almost done editing it).

also, alician pernell's magazine YIPPEE is up for preorder. when i emailed her some work, she emailed me back, "after i read your work i did the hands on the face thing like on home alone."

i will stop asking you to do things after this post. i will start posting more work. i have things.