28.12.09

STILLBORN

this is the new cover for THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME. i had to put the title on the front. i get a proof in maybe a week. then i will read it the whole way through staring very hard at each word. then it will be available. i am pretty sure there is supposed to be a hyphen in "self esteem" but for some reason i am not going to change it. it's cold outside and i think i am fine. how are you doing.

16.12.09

WE DON'T HAVE TO GET ALONG



FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO (GOOD-ASS POETRY): JANUARY 2010




THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME (GOOD-ASS PLAYS): JANUARY 2010


also, when i used to have a bed, what i would do is i would sometimes sleep the opposite way on it (upside down) to make my life seem more exciting

13.12.09

the goal is to have a mouth stuffed painfully with money and then get kicked in the mouth

SHORT INTERVIEW HERE at mipoesias. here's a preview:

Q: Provide f(sic) advice for someone that is just starting to write poetry and submitting their work.

A: Have a lot of kids and once you have a lot, set them free in an alley.

along with the interview, the site posted a poem.

here are some other things i published recently. i am trying to finish something so here are some things to read for a while if you want to read them.

EVERYDAY GENIUS

SLINGSHOT LITAREVIEW

EXQUISITE CORPSE

751 MAGAZINE

PAX AMERICANA

UNSAID

6.12.09

THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE DETERMINED TO AVOID YOU

kari freitag and i designed the alternate cover for the FOX FORCE FIVE chapbook collective. it is five different chapbooks combined in a book. here is the front and back cover kari and i did.











also, this is a picture of crack cocaine. also known as "base". it's time to put the debate to sleep. crack: good or bad, you decide.

27.11.09

josh kleinberg emailed me and asked for a short play. i sent him a short play that is not in any book and now it is up at slingshot. read it here.

if you want to read more short plays, buy CLONE, i will sell it to you for the price of shipping (five dollars u.s., like ten dollars outside u.s.)

UPDATE: if you video tape yourself throwing up and saying the name of either of the next two books coming out, i will give you both books for free. throwing up or injuring yourself in some way, maybe standing in front of a bathroom mirror and just cutting your chest open. two free books for whoever does this.

22.11.09

LOU SALOME

hello. i have some copies of I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT. if you want one, email me and make me an offer. (hint: i will probably agree to sell it to you for the price of shipping, wink wink). you can pay me for it too though. i will use the money to pay for food, and probably i will go to baskin robbins at four in the morning and buy an ice cream cone too and then walk out into the parking lot and eat the cone, feeling like i am missing something or someone but not quite sure what or who. you can also buy the book from the publisher if you click the link above. i read the book again and i still like it. it seems like i was in a better mood when i wrote it, compared to right now and the time in between. i am writing a full length play now. i am pretty worried about the strength of my front teeth, they hurt bad because i tried to prove to someone that cats like it when they get picked up by their necks and then i picked a cat up with my front teeth to prove it. sorry if you think this post blows hard ass. i will try harder. who have you disappointed today. if you look hard enough i think you will notice many many instances. jk, everything is fine. i fooled you.

also i would hope you might read this.

17.11.09

YOU ARE TRASH

THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME (six gallery 2009) is at the printers and i am waiting for the proof. it should be out soon.

meanwhile, here is a tentative plan to save mother earth. but i'm going to need your help!

12.11.09

I HAVE A PRESCRIPTION FOR BURNT NURSES

new PAX AMERICANA is up. i have a poem in it. it is called HEIL ME.

also: click on these lines __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

also:

i had a dream that my current self encountered my three-year old self in an empty room, and my three year old self had down's syndrome and was screaming at me.

also: here are two pictures of people that i've changed to make meaner-looking.



7.11.09

BEST BEHAVIOR

you can read a new noah cicero book in its entirety on his blog. the post is titled BEST BEHAVIOR.

4.11.09

EMMANUEL LEVINAS

chris higgs mentioned MORON CULTURE on his awesome blog.

i have an extra copy of BE NICE TO EVERYONE (ml press). BE NICE TO EVERYONE is one of the plays from the forthcoming book THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME (sixgallery press). i am willing to get rid of BE NICE TO EVERYONE for whatever you offer (need food money (scared, this is the first time i've tried to sell something except for when i was younger and tried to sell my turbografix 16 to my neighbor (later i watched my younger brother hit the same neihbor in the head with a rock and then the neigbor fell facedown into a puddle in the alley).

also, if you go to school for theatre, or if you teach theatre, or if you are in a theatre group, and you maybe want to perform some of the plays, email me and i can email you the pdf and/or physical copy when they become available.

here's a video of people performing a different play.

i will have copies of I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT soon. (when i put the garbage in your mouth i hold your mouth closed so you can taste the garbage).

here's a map to my place in case you want to shoot me and/or steal my paper towels and/or play mortal kombat 3 with me and/or just stare at me:



and remember:

climbing the staircase that still needs to be built, you use the people around you for wood.

climbing the staircase that still needs to be built, you mistake the people around you for wood.

2.11.09

There was a man in the commons area and he had his face over a grill, heat distortions waving over him.

His feet were gone, and in their place, blood-caked and hacked-up ankle bones brought to crude point.

These he navigated in placement like stilts.

These, leading up to his smiling face, held close to the heat.

He laughed and held his head over the grill until a crack ran the middle of his face, from forehead to chin.

Its happening was quick, red beneath, followed by the almost invisible curing and curling of the skin around the wound with cellophane quickness did this do.

He stood up laughing, touching the split.

He said—Uhhh.

He licked at the crack and the four pieces of his lips.

Him said—Don’t you just love it. I think I’m going to keep it—Him said.

27.10.09

I HAD AN URGE YESTERDAY TO FIND A DEAD ANIMAL IN AN ALLEY AND THEN KNOCK ON A RANDOM DOOR IN MY HALLWAY AND HOLD THE DEAD ANIMAL OUT THREATENINGLY

i started a blog for drawings i've made. the blog is called MORON CULTURE. i think i posted some drawings more than once but i did that because my stomach started hurting when i was making the blog and then i couldn't stop imagining that my colon was filled with dishsoap. for some reason i imagined the dishsoap was blue.

it is MEAN WEEK at htmlgiant.

THE DRUNK SONNETS is official.

i read this, by bsg, and thought it was good in a way that reminded me of a blood-filled backpack. i read an early draft of the novella from which it was excerpted and it was good and now it seems to have gotten insanely better.

you can see the cover for noah cicero's next book here.

i heard the same man laughing outside my apartment, in random intervals, for maybe an hour yesterday.

i like everyone.

i have found that if you ask yourself, "what difference does it make" before you say something or before you worry about something, it helps a lot.

there's a faultline in illinois i think and i made it.

let's check in with david koresh.

21.10.09

MORON CULTURE

I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT is in print again. if you bought it, you will get it soon. or you can buy it now if you want, if you aren't too tired or grumpy or if you don't dislike me.

here is an example of some of the work inside it.

and here is an interview with the bestest boy in the whole world, daniel
bailey
.

gene morgan set up a page with downloadable pdf chapbooks, including mine, A MINIVAN FULL OF ANGRY HETEROSEXUALS WTH CROOKED TEETH AND EVEN MORE CROOKED WAYS OF GETTING REVENGE. (it's a chapbook of random lines from emails of mine)

should have two full length books and a chapbook out soon.

should stop grinding my teeth.

snuggle buddies!

here is a picture i drawed while grinding my teeth to the tune of stupid youth:

19.10.09

I OWE YOU A SKINNED KNEE

i interviewed daniel bailey for dogzplot.

you should buy his book THE DRUNK SONNETS, for soon it will be out.

15.10.09

MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY WRITTEN IN FOUR MICROSOFTPAINT PICTURES (INCLUDING BIRTH, ADOLESCENCE, DEATH AND EPITAPH)

BIRTH:



ADOLESCENCE:



DEATH:



EPITAPH:




UPDATE!!!: this week at wunderkammer writers are being paired together to write about each others' childhood photos.

i wrote about chris higgs
chris higgs wrote about me

check out chris higgs's bitch ass mullet and check out my sweet legs!

13.10.09

READING LAST NIGHT

the reading last night was cool.

it made me happy to be in Chicago.

i heard at least one other person say the same thing.

I met Kathryn regina.

i have liked everything i have read by her.

i felt proud to read with her.

she was the most professional appearing of the readers.

it reminded me of being younger and like when your class would go to the library and the librarian would read a story and it would rock so hard.

I met zach, the featherproof chief.

he had a nice voice and was also nice in terms of behavior.

he was the emcee and he gave me a piece of paper to write down the way I wanted to be introduced.

all I did was write three book titles on a piece of a brown paper bag.

when zach introduced me he said, “all I have is a piece of paper with some titles written down on it.”

I felt a sense of failure inside myself at that moment.

I seemed to have not accomplished what I was asked to do.

I swallowed many thousands of tears.

however, he was able to read the titles ok, and I remember experiencing a sensation inside my body that sounded and felt like “whew.”

I think I actually looked around to see if anyone was about to congratulate me on writing legibly.

no one did.

when I read I didn’t use the mic because 1. I thought I would like to stand closer to the audience and 2. I was worried about it shrieking feedback and then me having nothing to say that would be appropriate except for “sorry” which would likely produce more feedback and then everyone would stare and point at me for doing such horrible things.

the first thing i read was the back of the vhs box for the movie “Lionheart”

then I read some other shit.

at one point I lifted my eyes off the paper and looked at the audience and actually said, “ok make eye contact.” like, i think people thought I was joking but in reality I was just stupid enough to narrate my own action out loud.

Amelia gray read a story she wrote based on a quote from blake butler’s dad.

Amelia also seemed professional, like she knew how to do other things while reading besides just stare at the paper and worry about saying all the words and saying them clearly.

Amelia didn’t read any words from the back of a vhs action film box, but I still think she did well.

blake read last.

he offered to dance instead of read, and he did for maybe seven seconds while people clapped.

then he read from scorch atlas.

everyone got real quiet.

for some reason I remember that he used the word “guffawed.”

when he was done reading a band set up.

I started dancing with blake in the back room, when we were waiting to use the bathroom.

then we went out in front of the band and danced.

other people started dancing.

I remember certain things.

I remember there being a circle that formed and I tried to do that Russian dance where you cross your arms and kick out your legs.

that kind of dancing hurted my ankles real bad and I guess I let the circle down.

I remember taking blake’s shoe off on the dancefloor and acting like I was talking into it like a phone.

he fell to the ground on his side and I remember taking one of his legs and acting like I was pumping it, like you know like one of his legs was the handle to a pump.

then blake jumped on my back and I jumped a few times while holding him.

I noticed zach on the dancefloor.

his moves were sublime.

blake took off zach's scarf and threw it up around the ceiling fan.

then people were jumping and touching the hanging scarf.

someone threw a copy of scorch atlas into the middle of the dancing.

it got all fucked up.

I remember being impressed with how I was moving my feet but maybe I am not remembering thigns right.

like I felt like I could legitimately dominate james brown in some type of foot dancing competition.

there was a smashed can on the floor that people were kicking and I remember looking at it and thinking, “try like, a surf move on it dude.”

then I saw myself with a terrible fracture in my leg somewhere, and the bones were coming out.

I remember almost puking because of how hard I was sweating and dancing and thinking about leg fractures.

after the dancing people went outside.

I met someone named landon.

my friend kari was there.

everyone was talking about how nice the NO COAST COLLECTIVE store was.

kari said she woud like to rent a place like it but then we both agreed nothing would happen except for like normal stuff, like just renting the place and eating cereal in it and watching tv.

it felt like the most un-fake reading I had been too.

I walked home and on the way I walked by a guy and I said, “wuz happ” as in, a failed attempt to say “what is happening” and he said, “what’s good mane.”

I looked at the copy of scorch atlas blake gave me.

it looks and feels like one of those “state-books” you can get at a gas station that basically explores the history of the state, except more macabre, design and content alike.

I am excited to read it again.

people are nice.

nice people are nice to find.

here are two other people’s accounts.


kathryn regina


richard thomas

9.10.09

"And he saw this man who had mocked him so much, and he saw him on fire, honestly charcoaled he said, his hands frozen up, everything gone"

new installment of dogzplot is up, featuring a drawing of mine as the artwork. other good shit there too.

read this piece at UNSAID. then read the rest.

please come to this reading. featuring blake butler, amelia gray, kathryn regina and myself.

6.10.09

GAS CHAMBER

hello. the magazine UNSAID published a piece from I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT. the piece is called THING THAT DETAILS A TRIP TO THE SUPERMARKET. it is in the print issue and the web issue of UNSAID. read it here.
if you like it, buy the magazine and buy I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT. i wrote a novella with the same tone and type of content as THING THAT DETAILS A TRIP TO THE SUPERMARKET. it is called BOOM SLEEP. i think, really, it might be too dumb for anyone to read. i feel productive right now. i just can't wait to pass out dead on your livingroom floor after breaking into your apartment. i just can't wait to renovate my give-up tactics. bye.

update: if anyone wants to publish a nonfiction piece about a time i used ketamine, email me.

5.10.09

GODAWFUL BUMS!

fee fie fo fum. i'm reading next monday with blake butler, amelia gray and kathryn regina. come watch me clothesline blake and his harper perennial ass. also, i just found two copies of BE NICE TO EVERYONE, the play that is in the next book i wrote, as well as the cancerous new ML Press anthology. if you paypal me a bajillion dollars and the deed to your house i will mail them to you. actually i will probably just give them out at the reading. here's the flyer.

30.9.09

BITCH ASS DWEEB

this is the back cover, spine, and front cover of THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME, in that order. below that is a list of the plays. dan brewster did the design. he is a loked out crip, i think. here is his email and company website in case you need help designing something.

dnbrwstr@gmail.com

http://www.ddvhs.com/




PLAYS

1. THE BASTARDS [THEY TRAVEL IN QUIET—WITH THE HOLY FATHER LANDING CREW]

2. BE NICE TO EVERYONE [VERSION 1]

3. YOU CAN’T CONTROL A KITE

4. ALL THE DISCIPLES

5. THE PEDOPHILE [AND HIS MENSES]

6. THE BASTARDS [THEY ERASE A WEAKLING]

7. BE NICE TO EVERYONE [VERSION 2]

8. CANCER KILLS

9. THE HUMAN BODY AS A FIREPLACE

10. FRIENDSHIP IS NICENESS AND IS

11. EZZARD AND FANON

12. THE BASTARDS [THEY MAKE A HOLOCAUST]

13. EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK AT THE CLOUD FACTORY

14. BE NICE TO EVERYONE [VERSION 3]

15. THE BASTARDS [THEY MAKE PEACE WITH MOTHER EARTH]

16. BE NICE TO EVERYONE [VERSION 4]

17. THE POLICEMAN IS A FORM OF PUNISHMENT

18. BE YOUR OWN WICK

19. HAVE TROUBLE

20. THE PEDOPHILE [AND HIS KINDNESS]

28.9.09

COMPLETE DISGRACE IS SOMETHING YOU NOD YOUR HEAD TO YEAH?

there will be another printing of I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT, in two weeks, if you want one. if you don't want one there will still be another printing. but if you don't want one that might be the last printing. i think it would be nice to have watercolor fingertips. i will post more about this tour idea soon. i think i am also going to post a written account of a fun time i had using ketamine. lots of things. i hope everyone is as happy as they've decided they want to be or can bear. i'm almost done writing a short book in the same tone as THING THAT DETAILS A TRIP TO THE SUPERMARKET, which is in CLONE and UNSAID 5. if anyone has an extra copy of UNSAID 5, can i have it? i want to make sure i have pjhyscial proof i did some shit on earth so when an electrician finds my stinking corpse he can look at the few print copies of my work and go, "hmm, not a total piece of shit." the book i just mentioned is called BBOOM SLEEP (typo intentional). it has the best ending to a book i could think of. from now on, when i read at a reading, i am going to wear my confirmation robe and put black paint on my face. i am being serious. somebody invite me to read. my stomach hurts. i just watched a cat puke, then the other cat come out of hiding behind the fridge and smell the puke and look at me like it was confused.

24.9.09

I GOT MARRIED LAST NIGHT

i finished revisions for FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO last night. it's 24,000 words of thug ass prose poems. it's more pessimistic than ever. there are no references to masturbation. there are fewer jokey parts. there are numerous references to committing suicide by doing nothing. it's a kick to the eye with long toe nailed foot i guess. this blog kind of sucks right. i still have the videos people made of themselves reading poems from the book. i will post them soon, around the time the book comes out. if anyone works at a printer and can make free posters, email me. i think that was my only attempt to promote the book. has anyone ever taken melatonin to go to sleep. it gives you weird dreams. wellbutrin i think gives you nightmares. isn't the world just so dead uncle. i talked to jordan castro recently about doing a tour in the summer. the tour would be called something like, "hurt your dad '10 tour." anyone who wanted to come could come. we'd rent a van and just drive around. old school hardore style. sleep in the van. no showers. probably total dude fest. sell books for food and gas. do readings in basements at house parties. get into fights. run from police. sleep on the highway when the van breaks down. one dude stays up guarding the van while the others sleep. this dude would be requied to blow on the alpine horn (a kazoo purchased at a gas station) if any intruders lurked. does anyone want to lurk with me? if you can make this tour happen this summer, let me know. have a good weekend. pictures:




21.9.09

THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME, AND "THE ANOREXIC BITCH"

i just finished the last edits of THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME. it will be out soon i think. i am really excited about it. it has twenty plays in it, some are multiple versions and all work together to create a story. you can read the book in different orders too and then make different stories. right now it's about 300 some pages. i will post the cover designs soon. i drank a whole huge bottle of KEFIR today at work and now my stomach hurts really bad. last night i stubbed my toe so hard i almost puked dude!

there is an excerpt up at EXQUISITE CORSPE, it's from a novella i am working on. the chapter is called THE ANOREXIC BITCH INVENTS OCEAN. the excerpt is a chapter from the novella HURT POPULATIONS. the novella is one half of a book that is two novellas, each radically different but occuring simultaneously. i wrote half of the book four years ago and the other just recently. if you have ever wanted to read a story about an anorexic woman and a dog that bites off its own tongue, this is your chance. bye.

ps, i don't think you need a lot of context to understand the chapter. there really isn't a plot. it's just a lot of seizures and random things happening involving gender, paranoia, violence, and the idea of becoming.

17.9.09

FROWNS NEED FRENDS TOO

afterbirth books told me FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO will be published sooner because another book got delayed. after i read the email saying that, i read some of the book again. and i didn't go "yikes." george bush everyone, you know. we need to get out of vietnam. i think i accidentally put my finger in my mouth today after using bleach. am i going to die. bitch ass dweebs. i think more authors need to shoot each other to make people love reading again. today while working at the deli, i had a long fantasy that involved me running my head through the meat slicer and feeling the way the blade like, grinded to a halt when encountering the bone behind my eyebrow, and i could feel the twitching of my face. just recently, i had a long fantasy about my leg being broken at a ninety degree angle just above the ankle. now i am envisioning myself having two legs like that, walking up a wall. i realized today that i am not cool, but i don't mean that in a way like, i secretly admire that about myself, i just mean i am not cool, like i don't have a cool voice or a cool walk, and whenever i have a chance to say something cool in response, i usually go, "i see."

12.9.09

THERE IS ENEMY IN MY HEAD HOLE

You have a recent fixation of imagining yourself front-flipping through a table and then just lying there laughing.

It is time to burn a building.

I can see a man wearing a bedsheet sitting in a living room saying to himself, 'Ok I will be there in a minute.'

You are bored because you hate yourself.

The three seconds of dryness in my mouth when I pull the air for a breath I use to avoid thinking something is either massive or tremendous.

Boing smoosh boom sleep.

7.9.09

HUMAN BEINGS ARE TOYS

here are the two covers for HUMAN BEINGS ARE TOYS. i did one and kari freitag did the other. they will both have the same back cover. it is a 3ooo word poem. the poem has no humor in it. i feel different now.

here is the one i made. left side is back cover. right side is front cover. i handmade it. click on it yeah.




here's the one kari did. it will have the same back cover as the other one:

3.9.09

HIJO DE CHINGADA

hi. the first thing i heard getting out of work yesterday was "well fuck you too nigga." i feel focused. i am impatient for people to read new work. there are a lot of people driving those golf cart type things for disabled people, in the area where i work. sometimes when i am sitting outside on break i expect to hear a slow droning, and then get surrounded by people in the golf cart things, each armed with something sharp, and they slice up my legs while i scream. an old woman kepet yelling "merlot" at me today at work. i will be fired soon. i don't like when peopple treat me like part of their purchase. you will read about me in the news after i bury a bottle of merlot in someone's head. i am very sad lately. very sad. one thought i have a lot if "i feel bad about everything." does that make sense? are there any schools in chicago that would let me go there to study martin heidegger? i am almost done writing this dual novella book. i am not sure i want them to be together still. one is tentatively called BOOM SLEEP and the other is called HURT POPULATIONS. i feel focused now. like i have spent an entire year sitting in a fire made of ice cubes and now i know how to breathe inside of it. what a terrible thing the fact that you can see faces that hide so much you will never know. what a terrible thing that you've trained your face to do the same thing. i will crush everything i've ever done every time i do something else. i will post the covers for HUMAN BEINGS ARE TOYS soon. if i had money i would print up all my own shit. i don't know if i believe in myself. does anyone want to start a grindcore band with me? i can sing. i will wear dickies and boots and no shirt and just scream into a microphone while pointing at the audience like they are shit. we can be called FATHER/SON MAKE-OUT PARTY. make your mother cry. here's a handwritten poem:



(my area code is 312)

1.9.09

"EAR SIZZLES"

this is an informative post.

i give my cat something i call "ear sizzzles." here are two methods for performing an "ear sizzle" which all cats find pleasurable. (dogs like it too, more i think)

method #1 (underhand sizzle)



this method involves placing thumb and (at least) forefinger on the in and outside of the cat's ear, using the cheeks as foundations for your hands. the sizzler then makes a rubbing motion (calibrate sizzling according to cat sturdiness). the rubbing motion is like the motion people make to signify "money." also, the cat ear should feel like a cold dollar bill.

method #2 (overhand sizzle)



same basic technique only now the sizzler goes overhand, for a more, ear-tip sizzle, almost more sensitive. remember the "money" motion from earlier? good, you'll need that now, only flip it upside down. think more "sprinkling something" now. you got it!

28.8.09

YOU HEAR AMBULANCE SOUNDS AND THINK THEY ARE FOR YOU

riley michael parker (the guy who played "goldberg" in the mighty ducks movies), is going to publish a long poem of mine as a small, inexpensive paper book that has a spine made of staples. the poem is called YOU HEAR AMBULANCE SOUNDS AND THINK THEY ARE FOR YOU.

*

now when i'm at work and people ask me where something is in the store, like if they come up to me and say, "could you tell me where the hand soap is?" i want to start saying, "if you look deep enough inside your heart, i think you'll find it's already there."

*

if anyone is looking for a dj name, you can use this one: Shyce T (sheisty)

*

(serious question) would it be possible to urinate in a brita water filter and then filter it over and over to get drinking water? (economic dude)

*

a homeless man sang "bye bye miss american pie" into my face today at work.

*

i have this thing now where i just laugh once as a response to some things before i even think. it is very obvious when that's an incorrect response.

*

i started reading EMPIRE by Hardt and Negri. i stopped. i had read MULTITUDE before and liked it.

*

when i hit my head on something, i try to recount facts that will convince me no damage has occurred.

*

i get little ice cubes in my lungs. they're sneaky.

*

today will be random email day. i will find a random address and email the following email:

"alright, the gun is in locker F8 at the gym. get it before tomorrow. you know what to do."

*

i am working on getting someone to animate a cartoon i drew. it will probably happen but it will probably take a while.

*

i am an angry man and i made this pocket for the things i constantly ignore. the pocket is huge.

*

i just saw the word "aggression" flash through my head in neon letters.

*

does anyone like THE WHITE MICE? i do.

*

i overheard the end of a conversation between an old woman drinking a beck's 24 oz bottle and another women at the bus stop. the end was the old woman drinking the beck's saying, "and that was in 1977, i wonder what they would sell me for now."

*

i can't remember if i said this before or whatever, but i totally get why some people just walk down the street yelling nonsense. i mean that has to feel fucking great.

*

i empathize with rabbits. if i knew where there was a garden with full grown carrots in it, i would rob it too.

*

$ bitch. $.

*

some things you are allowed to strangle and some things you aren't.

24.8.09

BLIND SURGEON

here's a picture i carved/drew on the back of a takeout container (click on it):




and here's a story:

at work today a man came in riding inside some kind of plastic wheelchair device. he parked behind where i was bagging groceries. he asked me to come over by him. then he asked me to go get three bananas and a gallon of milk for him, and have them rung up. i could barely understand him. it seemed like he couldn't think of words or how to say them. i got the things and he left the store with them. an hour or so later i went outside to check for carts and i saw him on the ground, gripping his plastic wheelchair device and trying to get back up into it. there were two women standing by him looking concerned. they did nothing. i asked him if he needed help. he kept mumbling. he kept trying to stand but his legs looked all bent and worthless. he kept falling. eventually i just grabbed him beneath each armpit and lifted him into his plastic wheelchair device. he told me to wheel him over by the garbage cans. i wheeled him there and left him there. when i got home, my hands still smelled like his body odor from holding him under his arms. i get paid eight dollars an hour. i feel normal.

20.8.09

SOME STUFF

hello. lot of stuff. i am printing up HUMAN BEINGS ARE TOYS with my friend kari freitag. i designed one of the covers and she designed the other. i will post them soon. we will print them soon. i think we are doing the cover for the FOX FORCE FIVE chapbook collective too. will post that cover soon too. i think the books of plays is coming out after it gets laid out and shit. wrote something for riley michael parker's small press. i like it. maybe he will too. trying to finish a book to send to publishing genius. it is a book that is two novellas that are different versions of each other. the first half is regular stuff, like the thing just posted on everyday genius and the second half is a more illogical version of the first half. trying to burn out painfully. i start bagging groceries for a living tomorrow. does anybody hate me. my headphones are held together by duct tape. i had an idea for a "mulched" haircut yesterday but decided it wouldn't work. the hair would just fall all over. if you want me and kari to do some art for you, let us know. she draws a mean cat. like, a good cat, but her skills are mean. if i knew that the afterlife was just me cutting an enormous square lawn while listening to the song HYPERVIOLET by PIG DESTROYER i would kill myself right now. don't care. you bring things into the world that you later try to escape. this weekend will be a replica of all other weekends and it will fall asleep and wake up with a lurch because it had a falling dream. i have a lot of falling dreams. what does that mean? i also keep having a dream where only one tooth is about to fall out and i keep pushing it down with my tongue. i also had a dream where i had a son but it's head-hair was gorilla hair. and it kept laughing and it made me laugh real hard and i woke up laughing. i wake up laughing all the time. a feeling i keep having is that my entire head is made of like the exoskeleton of a beetle. and i see myself standing by a tree pounding my black beetle skin head into the tree. i'm not going to lie i really like natalie merchant's voice. do you think she would let me hug her? have a nice weekend. oh wait, here's a confession, i plagiarized a lot of CLONE. many of the words i used can be found in the dictionary, with almost the exact same meaning. have a nice weekend. thug life. 312 got no luh for no busters. oh yeah here are some pictures too:






DANIEL BAILEY"S "THE DRUNK SONNETS"

you can preorder daniel bailey's THE DRUNK SONNETS now. i read the book and blurbed it. THE DRUNK SONNETS is so gnarly it's like watching a reverse stabbing. here is the blurb:

"This book is the result of an emo kid writing a few words then leaving the room to do something else, then a drunk old man walks in and says "What is this goofy garbage," and he edits a few lines but agrees with others, then he leaves the room and a bored but insightful cat walks in with an electrical helmet on that transcribes its boredom onto the page, then it leaves and a man who has wronged many people and been wronged by many people walks in and tries to write what he feels but just sighs and some tears hit the page and the words blend and begin to like each other and finally a five-year-old version of Daniel Bailey walks in, the Midwest sadness embedded as deeply in him as his Kool-Aid moustache, and he puts his hands over the book and blesses it, right before running outside to see who is waiting to play with him and make up more awesome worlds than the one that currently holds his weight."

17.8.09

KILL AUTHOR ISSUE #2

KILL AUTHOR #2 is up. there are a lot of good people in it. i have two things in it. one is an excerpt from a play called ALL THE DISCIPLES. here is the context: it is a bunch of people on a bus and one person plays a message left on his phone, for the person sitting next to him, so he can prove that he knows other people. the other is an excerpt from HUMAN BEINGS ARE TOYS. i am going to print up HUMAN BEINGS ARE TOYS. i will talk about it later. i am looking forward to winter. when it's cold i will buy a hoodie with a hood that can completely cover my head and face and then i will put it over my head and face and ride around on the El train. i have no social skills and i know how to use them. happy monday everyone.

16.8.09

I AM GONG TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT

there should be more copies available in two weeks. barry said they will be done at the printer in two weeks. i will have some free copies to give away or trade for college degrees also. i need a bachelor's in computer science. or like, french theory so i can impress some people at awp next year. shit man.

14.8.09

AL QAEDA AFTERSCHOOL CLUB

is it possible to scream so hard your teeth come out of your face

ILLEGAL DRUGS

hello. i am reading at THE WHISTLER this sunday. bring your resume and a hazmat suit. here is an edit i did of the bio they have of me on their site.

Sam Pink (http://impersonalelectroniccommunication.com/)
Sam is an avid blogger, poet, and guy who makes a living cleaning off the flaky stuff from peoples' eyes right after they wake up. His debut collection of poems and other writings called I Am a Professional Shithead was recently released by Paper Hero Press. If he accidentally procreates, when he is told about it, he will look at the camera and go "did i do that." He is now a bagger at a grocery store.

10.8.09

i have candy in my pockets for you

pangur ban party put up a collection of lines i sent them, called BERNHARD GOETZ. it is some new material and a few lines i cut from FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO because they didn't fit. the collection looks long (58 pages) but each page is really short. send shit to pbp, dj is cool. he mailed me a picture of a clown smoking crack. it was like looking into a construction paper mirror. read BERNHARD GOETZ you fool! (completely true spoiler) there is a recipe for ether in BERNHARD GOETZ. highly illegal! not! educational purposes dog! here's the picture i made of bernhard goetz again:



(innee just the cutest!)

UPDATE: I AM READING ON THE 16TH AT THE WHISTLER HERE IN CHICAGO.

5.8.09

HUMAN BEINGS ARE TOYS

i wrote a chapbook length poem called HUMAN BEINGS ARE TOYS. i like it more than anything else i've done. does anybody know good chapbook publishers. i sent it to greying ghost. and that's about the only place i know. there aren't any jokes or anything that's too weird in it. it seems really serious but not in a "this guy's a butthole" type of way. i would just make it myself but i have no money now. if you want to read it to see where it might fit in, email me and i will email it to you. it won't take a lot of time to read. don't be a butthole. i think i am losing my sense of humor.

2.8.09

HI MY NAME IS BERNHARD GOETZ! (UPDATED)

UPDATE!!!!BERNHARD GOETZ WANTS YOU TO READ THIS SUPER AWESOME FLASH FICTION PIECE AT EVERYDAY GENIUS, EDITED BY MICHAEL KIMBALL!




HI MY NAME IS BERNHARD GOETZ! HOW ARE YOU DOING? I AM FINE. I HAVE NEVER WON A GAME OF BATTLESHIP UNLESS I CHEATED BY MOVING MY SHIPS AROUND WHILE ACTING LIKE I WAS JUST RE-ORGANIZING MY RED AND WHITE PEGS. MY RETIREMENT IS A VIDEO OF ME IN A BASEMENT ON A FOLDING CHAIR WITH A BAG OVER MY HEAD AND THE WORD "SCUM" WRITTEN ON THE BAG IN DUCT TAPE AND THEN I FALL OVER AND THE SONG "SLOW RIDE" BY FOGHAT COMES ON. YOU WIN. HAVE FUN TODAY PLEASE. SOMEBODY MAIL ME A PICTURE OF A RELATIVE AND WRITE "TERRORIST" OVER THE PICTURE. GODDAMN I EITHER FEEL REALLY OK OR REALLY NOT. MAN I LOOOOOVE SHOOTING KETAMINE INTO MY LEG MUSCLES! STOP TEASING ME. CLICK ON ME AND I GET LARGER. ADMIT IT. I AM YOUR HERO. STOP TEASING ME I FEEL FINE. ISN"T TIME THE GREATEST THING EVER! STOP TEASING ME. WHAT HAPPENS NOW? WHAT HAPPENS IS WE RETIRE TOGETHER. HI MY NAME IS BERNHARD GOETZ, HOW ARE YOU DOING? I AM FINE. HAVE FUN TODAY.

29.7.09

THE VIRGIN MARY

xtx asked me to contribute to her ELEPHANT SUMMER project so i wrote a very short thing that included an elephant and it's up on her blog now.

also, find out why PDF WEEKLY is calling A MINIVAN FULL OF ANGRY HETEROSXUALS WITH CROOKED TEETH AND EVEN MORE CROOKED WAYS OF GETTING REVENGE, "the pdf we've been waiting for."

also, i will be getting copies of I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT in the mail again soon. if you have any electronic copies of any JESUS LIZARD cds, or the album 38 COUNTS OF BATTERY by PIG DESTROYER, i will trade.

28.7.09

25.7.09

READING AT THE BOOK CELLAR

UPDATE: PICTURES FROM THE READING.

READ A REVIEW OF "I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT" IN CHICAGO'S "NEW CITY" MAGAZINE. I AM NOW FAMOUS. I WILL BE BUYING A SCARF AND RIDING AN OLD SCHWINN AROUND THE CITY SOON. I READ ON FRIDAY NIGHT WITH SCOTT MCCLANAHAN, BEN TANZER AND AMY GUTH. THE READING WAS FUN. WHEN I FIRST GOT TO THE BOOK CELLAR, SCOTT MCCLANAHAN WAS THERE AND HE SHOOK MY HAND. HE WAS WEARING A SUIT THAT WE LATER DETERMINED WAS "HALF SLEEZE, HALF BUSINESS." WE WENT TO A GERMAN RESTAURANT NEXT DOOR AND DRANK "BLACK BEER (SCHWARTZBIER)." SCOTT SWEET-TALKED THE WAITRESS. SHE WAS PROBABLY SEVENTY. SCOTT SAID HE NEEDED A "CHICAGO MOMMA." WE DRANK AND LISTENED TO A LIVE POLKA BAND FUCKING SHRED SHIT UP. ONE OF THE DUDES IN THE POLKA BAND, WE DETERMINED, LOOKED LIKE, "LARRY BIRD AFTER INGESTING SOME SORT OF SUPER-GENETIC OOZE, A LA SUPERSHREDDER IN TURTLES 2." PEOPLE DANCED TO THE POLKA MUSIC. WE LEFT AND WENT NEXT DOOR TO THE BOOK CELLAR. THE BOOK CELLAR WAS NICE. I MET BEN TANZER AND HIS MOTHER. I ALSO MET AMY GUTH. AMY GUT LATER TAUGHT ME WHAT A "MICROPENIS" WAS (SEE BELOW). THE WOMAN WHO OWNED THE BOOK CELLAR, SUZIE T, WAS REALLY NICE. I WAS WEARING A BACKPACK. SHE CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, "WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PUT YOUR BAG IN THE BACK." I WAS CONFUSED AND I THINK I LOOKED DEFENSIVE LIKE A HOMELESS MAN WITH HIS SHOPPING CART. SHE ASKED ME IF I WANTED SOMETHING TO DRINK AND I ASKED FOR WATER. I OFFERED TO GO GET IT MYSELF AND SHE LAUGHED AT ME. AROUND THIS TIME I BEGAN ASKING FOR THE BATHROOM KEY EVERY FIFTEEN MINUTES TO PISS OUT THE BEER AND THE WATER. THE GIRL AT THE FRONT DESK EVENTUALLY JUST HANDED ME THE KEY WHENEVER I CAME UP TO HER. BEN READ FIRST. HE DID GOOD. THEN AMY READ. IT WAS GOOD. I DIDN'T SEE THE END BECAUSE I WAS PISSING. WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE BATHROOM, THEY HAD ALREADY CALLED ME UP TO READ. I WENT TO THE FRONT AND SAID SOMETHING LIKE, "I'D LIKE TO THANK THE BOOK CELLAR FOR THE GLASS OF WATER." THEN I READ THE LONGEST THING IN CLONE. I DON'T THINK I LOOKED UP ONCE, OR WAIT, I DID, BUT IT WAS TO CLARIFY THAT BY THE SEARS TOWER, I MEANT THE WILLIS TOWER, WHICH IS WHAT IT'S CALLED NOW. MY MOUTH WAS TRILL DRY THE WHOLE TIME. I ALMOST CRIED AT A CERTAIN POINT WHEN I REMEMBERED HOW SICK MY GRANDPA IS. AFTER I READ, I SAT DOWN IN THE BACK TO HEAR SCOTT READ. SCOTT WAS AWESOME. HIS BOOK, "STORIES" IS HONESTLY ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS TO COME OUT RECENTLY. AT THE BEGINNING OF ONE OF THE STORIES ABOUT TELEMARKETING HE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL EVER BEEN A TELEMARKETER BUT I KNOW I HAVE." EVERYBODY LAUGHED. PEOPLE WERE FUCKING LAUGHING HARD DURING HIS STORIES. IT MADE ME THINK I SHOULD HAVE READ SOMETHING FUNNY. IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS READING, I FELT A TAP ON MY SHOULDER. I TURNED AND THIS OLDER WOMAN, WITH A PRETTY ACCENT (SPANISH OR ITALIAN) ASKED ME WHERE THE THING I READ WAS FROM. I HELD UP MY ONLY COPY OF CLONE. SHE ASKED HOW MUCH AND I JUST GAVE IT TO HER. SHE SAID, "MY SON WILL LOVE THIS." THEN SHE HAD ME SIGN AND DATE IT FOR HER SON, WHO WAS NAMED "JOHN HENRY." AFTER SCOTT READ, WE ALL WENT BACK TO THE GERMAN RESTAURANT. "GERMAN MUTATED LARRY BIRD GUY" WAS OUT FRONT AND I ASKED HIM WHERE AN ATM WAS. HE POINTED ACROSS THE STREET AND SAID, "DEY ISS WON OVAH DEIR." I SAID THANKS AND HE SAID, "I LIKE YO AIR-COT." HE POINTED TO MY HEAD. I SAID, "OH THANKS DUDE." AT THE ATM, ANOTHER MAN WAS NEXT TO ME, AND HE WAS ARGUING WITH THE ATM MACHINE LIKE IT WAS A HUMAN. WE WENT BACK TO THE GERMAN RESTAURANT AND DRANK MORE. AMY GUTH TALKED ABOUT THE CONDITION "MICRO PENIS" AND THEN PASSED HER IPHONE AROUND TO SHOW US A PICTURE. IT MADE ME FEEL REALLY GOOD. THEN BEN TANZER TALKED ABOUT "DONALD KENDRICK" WHO WAS A GUY ON THE WRESTLING TEAM AT HIS SCHOOL WHO HAD THE BIGGEST DICK EVER. I COULDN'T STOP STARING AT A REALLY OLD COUPLE TEARING SHIT UP ON THE DANCE FLOOR. THEN A BUNCH OF FRAT-TYPE PEOPLE CAME IN AND STARTED YELLING, "DAS BOOT." THEN THEY STARTED DRINKING BEER OUT OF A HUGE GLASS BOOT. THEY POINTED AT ME AND YELLED, "DAS BOOT." THEN THEY HANDED ME THE BOOT AND I DRANK FROM IT AND PASSED IT AROUND THE TABLE. LATER, ANOTHER DUDE PASSED ME HIS BOOT AND I KILLED A LOT OF IT. I FINISHED IT. THEN HE WENT OVER TO HIS FRIEND AND SAID, "DUDE I DRANK THE WHOLE THING MYSELF" EVEN THOUGH I HAD MANY WITNESSES THAT COULD STATE OTHERWISE. I SAID GOODBYE TO EVERYONE AND PISSED BEHIND A DUMPSTER. I HAD TO PISS SO BAD I ACTUALLY COULDN'T WALK STANDING STRAIGHT UP. I TOOK THE TRAIN HOME AND ATE A BUNCH OF HOT POCKETS AND FELL ASLEEP WATCHING "BIG FAT LIAR" ON TBS. GOOD SHIT.

23.7.09

A MINIVAN FULL OF ANGRY HETEROSEXUALS WITH CROOKED TEETH AND EVEN MORE CROOKED WAYS OF GETTING REVENGE

Gene Morgan, texan and father of two, posted a poem of mine on his twitter press. it's fifty really short pages of lines i cut and pasted from emails. it is called:

A MINIVAN FULL OF ANGRY HETEROSEXUALS WITH CROOKED TEETH AND EVEN MORE CROOKED WAYS OF GETTING REVENGE

also, andy riverbed, puerto rican, and father of the sea, has posted a translation of SEVEN VERSIONS OF THE SAME VERSION (scroll down).

the original version is at NO POSIT, and in I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT, the wackiest, zaniest, most latently communistic book out there! available from PAPERHERO PRESS now now now!

and don't forget this shit:

Friday, July 24, 2009
Scott McClanahan, Ben Tanzer, Amy Guth & Sam Pink

Join us for a reading with some excellent authors! Tonight's lineup includes Scott McClanahan, author of the short story collection (STORIES), Amy Guth (Three Fallen Women), Sam Pink (I Am Going to Clone Myself Then Kill the Clone and Eat It), and Ben Tanzer (Lucky Man).

Start time: Friday, July 24, 2009 At 07:00 PM

come see me sweep the floor when everyone leaves, and then get paid with a free coffee drink from the dunkin donuts across the street, then walk home alone.

good interview with blake here as well.

22.7.09

THERE"S A MOSQUITO BITE ON MY CHEEK AND IT LOOKS RIDICULOUS

some stuff:

GUSTAF 3 will be out soon. i have two poems from FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO in it and a play from THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME. the cover looks a melted clown face. or wait no, like someone vomited gummy worms. i imagine the whole staff from gustaf doesn't wear underwear.

i am doing a thing with gene morgan on his twitter press. it's a poem called A MINIVAN FULL OF ANGRY HETEROSEXUALS WITH CROOKED TEETH AND EVEN MORE CROOKED WAYS OF GETTING REVENGE. it's a long poem, composed of lines i took from my emails. coincidentally, blake butler just published something similar, but with gchat lines here.

lastly, i am editing a poem to be hopefully used by PANGUR BAN PARTY. the poem is called BERNHARD GOETZ. it is two poems i cut from FROWNS mixed with other new material. it's more of a line by line kind of poem than a complete poem. you fucking bitch. i drew a picture of bernhard goetz that i will post soon.

i'm reading NAKED LUNCH again.

my ear is infected again.

i am wearing umbros. remember those?

20.7.09

i thought i was having a heart attack yesterday and it seemed really peaceful

i'm reading this weekend. here's the shit from the book cellar website:

Friday, July 24, 2009
Scott McClanahan, Ben Tanzer, Amy Guth & Sam Pink

Join us for a reading with some excellent authors! Tonight's lineup includes Scott McClanahan, author of the short story collection, Amy Guth (Three Fallen Women), Sam Pink (I Am Going to Clone Myself Then Kill the Clone and Eat It), and Ben Tanzer (Lucky Man).

Start time: Friday, July 24, 2009 At 07:00 PM


i don't know what i am going to read. i heard the book cellar will be serving balls of duct tape for hors d ouevres.

16.7.09

I HOPE EVERYONE IN YOUR FAMILY DIES PAINFULLY

I ALSO HOPE EVERYONE IS HAVING A RAD SUMMER!



I'M 26



I DON'T HAVE A JOB



I HAVE HIV MONSTERS IN MY EYES



MORE THAN ONE PERSON HAS TOLD ME RECENTLY I AM A DISAPPOINTMENT

I'M NOT MISOGYNISTIC

so fuck you

4.7.09

OCHO 25

OCHO 25 is here and it is edited by blake.

there's a shitload of good writers in it. i have two poems in it. one from CLONE, called PUBIC HAIR THAT IS HARD WITH BLOOD, and one from FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO, called I SAW A DEAD BODY ON THE CORNER OF ROOSEVELT AND ASHLAND (16 VERSIONS).

30.6.09

NEW JOURNAL THAT IS REAL FOR LOOKING AT

martin wall and me started a journal. it is called TWITTER 666. the journal is a collection of links to twitter accounts for objects and people that otherwise wouldn't have a twitter account. if you want to write a twitter feed, even if it just one or two posts, email twitter666@gmail.com and describe the idea. we want to have as much shitty shit up as possible and as frequently as possible. i asked blake butler to start an account for AN EMPTY HOUSE, like so he could write about all the weird shit that goes on inside. see how fucking fun this shit is? email the idea and if it is just shitty enough, we will set up the account and you can write the shit out it. so far, here are the feeds:

A_KLANSMAN

A CREEPY OLD MAN AT THE PARK (WHO IS NOT WEARING A SHIRT)


A_BIG_SANDWICH

A_PRESS-ON_NAIL

26.6.09

I GIVE MYSELF A HEADACHE BY LOOKING AT MYSELF REAL CLOSE IN A MIRROR

i just started a twitter account. it is here. the user is A BIG SANDWICH. so now you can keep up with what is happening to A BIG SANDWICH in real time. i am going to start and cancel random twitter accounts now, for something to do. like, i think my next one will be either A KLANSMAN (example post: i need to be more positive) or A CREEPY OLD MAN AT PARK, NOT WEARING A SHIRT (example post: just stared at girl and then said something to myself and laughed, tooth fell out). maybe it will be fun. i will post when i change them. another example: A PRESS-ON NAIL example post: still stuck in some guy's eye. have a nice weekend everyone. is it ok to sometimes see your own hands and jump back because you're afraid someone is trying to choke you?

23.6.09

NEGATIVE HEARTTHROB!








DON'T GET TO KNOW ANYONE. DON'T BE O.K.

andy riverbed reads TODAY I HOPE A BUS ACCIDENTALLY KILLS ME, in spanish, over some acoustic guitar. pretty bad ace. go here.

19.6.09

ONE TIME I DRANK HALF A BOTTLE OF PINE SOL BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD KILL ME

i just emailed the final draft of THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME to SIX GALLERY PRESS.

i am wearing a golf shirt that i found underneath some couch cushions yesterday. i shook the crumbs off it and put it on. i thought with sincere sadness for a second about all the shirts i've lost and totally forgotten about. you are with me shirts.

since the age of sixteen, every day i have the feeling that things are over.

i have a pretty nice beard now, it drips when i get out of the shower.

very hopeless lately. i don't have a job. i sleep late and then draw until the morning, talking to myself. i think yesterday is the first time i realized i talk to myself nonstop.

would it be lame to start a cereal corner on this blog where i analyze various cereals and their mascots? including imagined knife fights between the mascots?

does anyone in chicago have a job i could have? i am thinking janitor. i just want to be left alone. i dont' want to smile at anyone while making them a sandwich.

read this post by shane jones.

he says something i've been thinking for a long time. that unless you are an idiot (my words), publishing things changes nothing. you'll still be a scared human being hoping for something to change you without having to do much.

last night while i was drawing other people at the apartment were watching some american pie movie about a beach-house and they were mocking it. i kept imagining every character with a gun in their mouth and then their head exploding. that would make a great ending to a teen movie like that. like, surf guitar music comes in and then everyone shrugs and goes, "summer's over and so are our lives!" and then domino suicides, blood all over the beach.

i think i am in bad mood because i haven't had cereal yet.

i only sleep in hour long bursts now. the worst feeling ever is waking up.

26 will be the year of more drifting.

this laptop is burning my genitals.

i'm ready to love someone but i am too helpless.

i was at a wedding the other day and a girl standing at the bar, looked at me and then turned around and lifted her skirt a little so i could see her ass. i should've said, "so what?"

i would like it if the first half of your life you could have all the nights you will ever have, right in a row, and then the second half you could get all the days in a row.

16.6.09

GETTING SHOT IN THE EYE WITH AN ARROW PROBABLY WON'T HAPPEN TO ME

HERE IS THE COVER I HANDMADE FOR "FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO." (IF YOU CLICK ON IT, THE MAGICAL COMPUTER BOX MAKES IT BIGGER)



ALSO, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE MAKING VIDEOS FOR THE POEMS NOW. IF YOU STILL WANT TO, EMAIL ME.

15.6.09

GOD BLESS AMERICA

right now i could get shot in the chest and face many many times and still not die.

READ THIS LONG ASS INTERVIEW WITH CHRIS HIGGS

RIGHT HERE.

here's a rap i just made up about chris higgs:

chris higgs, slams mad chicks with the tip of his academic dick, known to open up A THOUSAND PLATEAUS and take justa sip, tip back his serious looking glasses, makin other thinkers look like molasses, he ponders queries/disquisitions with synapses blasting elastic, fuck getting drastic, dat honky higgs clashes and gnashes, and he ain't from the street, he's in the street, knee-deep like Guattari in some Paris concrete, y'herrd?

i have no friends.

14.6.09

I CAN ONLY GET ALONG WITH ONE PERSON AT A TIME

the person i picked for the calaveras journal thing (see below) is martin wall. his poems made me feel the most. the other poems were good and i feel like a dick. picking and judging are weird things. if you want to say hateful things in the comment thread, that will help us both. anyway, i will start posting videos of poems pretty soon (see this link for explanation). if you still want to read a poem from FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO, email me and i will send you one to read. then i'll post it here. i'll post the cover i made too. hopefully the publisher likes it. i used mario three colors. chex party mix is really good. it's like, every time i scoop out a handful and go to put it in my mouth, i go, "it's fucking party time." does anyone in chicago want to do readings? like, they don't have to be at an actual place. like, if you want me to come to your apartment and read, i'll do it. you can film it and i will do it. i can come into your roommate's room while s/he is sleeping and just start reading. wouldn't that be fun? i can hide in the fridge and when someone gets a drink i will just start reading. i will read while you take a shower. readings usually suck and are boring, so i think this could be cool. you can hit me with a belt while i am reading. or throw flour at me. you can spray me with champagne while i read. come on. don't be a pussy.

UPDATE: i put a really long interview with chris higgs on htmlgiant.

ANOTHER UPDATE: i just noticed i got some more ratings on GOODREADS. fuck man, a few more five star ratings and i'll be able to unlock the saphire sword and slay the golden dragon in the ice level! here's a review that actually made me happy.

by mike kleine:

I began reading a random page out loud and everyone in the room made faces. At first, they asked me if it was something I had written but then I replied with an amused "no," stating that it was a work from Sam Pink. Then, they asked me "who the fuck is Sam Pink?" I told them that "Sam Pink is a new author I'm trying out."

I read a couple more excerpts and every single friend (three of them in the room at the time) asked if they could borrow the book after me. I said yes but know I will never give it to them because I need to frame it above my headboard, after I video-tape my face so I can put that on a loop at the foot of my bed


sort of made me think for three seconds i wasn't a fucking loser (until i noticed i could actually smell my pubes through my pants, from not showering).

happy hannukah everyone!

11.6.09

EXPRESSIONLESS DISGUST IS MY NATIONALITY

a while ago i was solicited by the journal MARY. i sent some poems and was rejected but one of the editors, sara mumolo, said she was starting a print journal (CALAVERAS) and she wanted the poems. then she emailed me and told me that the first issue will be both people they solicit and then people those people solicit. meaning, i have to pick someone to be in the issue too. so i don't know how to do this without being labeled a "piece of toilet paper that was used to wipe the shit off a dick that just fucked an ass that had already been fucked." so i guess if people want to email me like, four poems (they want to publish mulitple poems by each author), from now until like, sunday night, i will take them and pick somebody. or i will post them here and have people pick them. i don't know. but if you send me poems by sunday night, i guess you could be included in the journal, which will be hand bound and probably nice looking. and maybe our shit will be next to each other so when someone closes the book it's like we're smashing genitals together!

sidenote: if i am ever given the death penalty, i want it to be by "canon filled with nails."

UPDATE: ANDY RIVERBED TRANSLATED TWO POEMS, "I AM GOING TO JUMPKICK YOUR FACE THEN KISS IT" AND AN EXCERPT FROM "YUM YUM I CAN'T WAIT TO DIE." NOW YOU CAN READ OK POETRY IN SPANISH.

9.6.09

"I AIN'T LEAVIN' ON NO HOE SHIT"

somebody has offered to publish FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO. will talk more later. had to take it down. i feel like an asshole but maybe this will be cooler? i get to design the book. please still like me. if anyone wants some of the poems email me. otherwise, i'm going to be listening to the song "fake empire" by the national and pouting like a little bitch.

also, working on prophylactic-ripping interview with chris higgs. will be on htmlgiant sometime in the near future. read his blog. it always makes me happy to read. i think the first thing that drew me to his blog was like, a profile picture of him that i saw, and i was like, "he looks like he could take a serious shot to the jaw."

also, what is this?

4.6.09

I CAN STILL SMELL YOUR FACE AND HEAD ON THE PILLOW AND I'M A CRYBABY

HTMLGIANT is going to be revamped soon and they wanted pictures from each of the contributors. here are some pictures i took. feel free to make fun of me. i am doing it inside i promise. i provided some reactions to each shot.

PICTURE THE FIRST



ok. this one seems to say, "hey, lace up those boots homey, because i found a good face for kicking." looking off into the distance, truly, this greasy headed douche needs to be killed. viewers of this photo may be prone to thinking, "maybe i am pro-choice."


PICTURE THE SECOND




oh here we are. this one fully captures the, "i'm always tired" look. truly, a fucking douche.

PICTURE THE THIRD



with this one we grow ever closer to finding out what an accident looks like. viewers needn't even know that the person in the photograph was born to a young mother, and was clearly an accident, because it's clear here. very clear. viewers may be prone to immediately imagining the doctor holding some sort of giant pencil, with a giant eraser, and erasing this smudge from the earth's repertoire.


please feel free to print these and wipe your ass with them. peace.