26.2.09

REVIEW OF BOOK

hello. a man named peter wild, who probably isn't a cyborg werewolf, reviewed CLONE. it is nice to see that someone just doesn't immediately think i am a loser. i think bookmunch is going to post an interview soon too. i enjoy interviews and interviewing other people.

25.2.09

THE HAPPY HUMAN DIGEST

me and daniel bailey are starting a journal. it is called THE HAPPY HUMAN DIGEST. it will be some print some online. the first thing is a small chapbook by kendra grant malone. more about that sometimes later. we need some help with the web stuff. can someone help us? here is what you can expect as a helper:

1. you will not be paid.
2. you will not be happy
3. you will not be recognized in public nor will daniel bailey and i acknowledge you in public
4. you will not be treated kindly
5. you will not be not punched in the grill by daniel bailey in a thong

there will be a video manifesto coming out soon i think. also, i will provide an email address for submissions soon enough. so dust off your grandma's wedding dress and put it on and shave your knee then draw the earth on it. cause it's buttfuckin time yallz. i have other things to say but i am trying to get them done.

BONUS MATERIAL--

here is a direct quote from my landlord yesterday. "i like your haircut. you don't look like a nazi."

daniel bailey, you should pile drive me into a giant hole.

here is a picture of daniel, with shane jones and blake butler. notice the face daniel is making. this is a face that no one human should make. it doesn't convey any recognizable emotion, except for maybe, "aw sheeit." i am glad to be working with daniel. this journal should hopefully be the fetal alcohol syndrome of the internet.



RECENT DEVELOPMENT!!!! YOU CAN GET A FREE COPY OF THE BOOK I WROTE IF YOU DESCRIBE A FIGHT THAT MADE YOU PHYSICALLY ILL TO WATCH. ADVICE: THE FIGHT SHOULD BE A REAL THING THAT YOU SAW. BITCH TITS.

20.2.09

I RULE

1. today i was looking for socks to wear and i found one and i picked it up and smelled it to see if it would or would not eventually make my foot itchy and when i smelled the sock a crumb went up my nose. i became frightened that a stranger would walk into my room, point at me, stare and say, "fucking failure." and i wouldn't be able to deny it or leave the room because the pointing stranger would be blocking the door.

2. yesterday someone who read "move in with me" told me i was misogynistic and then i pointed out that the "you" in "move in with me" is not gender specific [TRUE]. then i beat my mom [NOT TRUE].

3. i changed this blog to be a blog for CLONE. there are excerpts and super fun activities like a wordsearch, a depression test, a happiness break and someone asked to take my picture so there are a few pictures. i am not going to do any more pictures i feel like a fucking douche.

18.2.09

EL TRAIN READING

here is part of the reading on the train. if anyone has the full reading, post the link here. i feel good that i thanked gene morgan in the middle of one of the pieces because he kept me from falling onto the dirty floor.

14.2.09

AWP

i touched my book last night. i was at a reading and a russian man named dimitri asked me if he could buy it and it was the only copy i had and i gave it to him. i felt good but then bad when i had no money for food. he was very nice to me and so was his girlfriend. he asked me to sign the book and i felt like i would never be good enough for anyone. i think i misspelled a word that i wrote in the book for him. we took a picture and i put both of my thumbs up in the picture so that people will know that i have two thumbs. i think dimitri read what i wrote and then said, "wait, you're not brett easton ellis? fuck this." i met gene morgan. he was cool as hell. he gave me some tequila that tasted like kerosene. gene morgan is about nine foot three i think. at one point, he ripped a building out of the ground and played the open windows like a harmonica. when i read on the train, i kept falling forward because of the train bumping and gene kept pushing me back up. it was fun. i met blake butler. we drank some beer at the hotel bar and then blake butler became the funniest motherfucker. walking around chicago, he screamed random lines. i think i remember him saying, "america is the best town ever." he read on the train and it was fucking cool. i bought his book and i read half of it in a room where eight other people were watching WALKER TEXAS RANGER. me and blake were walking down the street and he yelled, "what's up america let's get some jobs up in here." and then gene morgan yelled it too and everyone started yelling about jobs. i laughed really hard. i met daniel bailey. we drank out of a flask he brought to awp. i kept asking daniel bailey what was in the flask and he kept saying, "'early times' i already said that." daniel bailey, still the hottest hunk ever. i met gena mohwish. she was very nice. she had nice shoes one night. the other night i don't remember the shoes. maybe they were nice. i met jereme dean. he's fucking cool. before i introduced myself, i followed him around and bothered him for a dollar or some change. in his defense, he was about to give it to me. we went to the shedd aquarium and looked at giant crabs. jereme said he was going to sleep overnight in one of the tents they had set up and then an employee gave us a look like, "ah hell nah." i met shane jones. shane gave me possibly the best hug ever. and i consider myself a really good hugger. i bought his book and read it. i will talk about it later. i met barry graham. he was really nice. i bought his book. i will talk about it later. barry told me a really old man bought my book off of him. barry said the really old man walked up, looked at the book, read some of it, then bought it. i met ryan call. he was nice and also quiet. we had pizza together and he didn't try to kill me at all. that was nice of him. i met his sister, christy call. she was the nicest of all. she told me i was "regular" and i said something that probably was of very little import. she didn't try to kill me either. way to go christy! i met mike young. he is skinny and was wearing a badge of some sort. mike was really worried about getting to the train on time. his voice is kind of like cory feldman's. mike young was cool. at one point, we were eating pizza at a restaurant and the waitress said "wait i need to get some plates" and someone at our table said, "just serve it off my ass" and then mike young said, "that would be funny to say to the waitress while texting someone else" and then i laughed. i met adam robinson. he was cool. he tried to sell me crack but i already bought shane's book. then adam looked to the side and back at me and said, "look fuckface, i'm not asking, i'm telling." i read michael bible's chapbook MY SECOND BEST BEAR HUG and it was fucking cool. very sad to me. i bought VACATION and paid 20 dollars. when the guy at the mcsweeneys table said "20 dollars" i think i swallowed really hard and acted like i wasn't concerned. i met molly gaudry. every time she looked at me i felt like she was going to punch me. she is pretty. i met elizabeth ellen. i think she bought my book. she was really nice and smiled a lot. i met aaron burch. he was cool. his beard is nicer than mine. he shook my hand after the reading and the handshake felt good, not bad like when you meet someone's parents kind of bad. i met peter schwartz. he was really talkative and nice to me. he tried to poke my eye out with a KENYON REVIEW pen but i blocked it. i saw colin bassett. i was going to say hi but i started feeling nervous. he seemed nice. i met peter cavanaugh. he showed me a picture of someone vomiting foam out of his nose. it was awesome. then i think he told me his girlfriend was a mortal kombat champion. i didn't wear deodorant to awp so i kept my coat on a lot and that made me feel sweaty as fuck. the reading on the train was interesting. i think i didn't do good. after i read i sat down and held onto a metal pole. then i touched my eye and my eye stung really bad. i didn't sleep much so i probably looked tired. i think that's it. good times. chi city ballers.

8.2.09

I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT+NOAH CICERO DROPS IT YOUNGSTOWN STYLE

the book I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT is now a real thing that takes up space on earth. start wrapping yourself in tin foil because i want to burn down the place where you live. please buy it or i will punch your mouth and not apologize. hail satan everyone. hail satan.

RECENT DEVELOPMENT: i just ate a bowl of trix and i feel like a fucking champ. when you get a spoonful that is mostly purple and yellow, there is happiness.

MORE RECENT AND INTERESTING DEVELOPMENT: read this. noah cicero kicked my balls black with this review. actually, i think it was noah who told me "you should put a book together." so there. what a nice young man.

ANOTHER DEVELOPMENT: whoever is responsible for the show "sister sister" is a criminal and should be shot out of a canon into the atlantic.

4.2.09

HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF INTO A BLANKET AND THEN HELP PEOPLE AND ANIMALS

a few weeks ago i posted instructions on how to make yourself into a blanket. here are the instructions again with a few applications too. the post is continued below.

here are the original instructions. it's so easy! let's begin!

start by making holes in a normal blanket (blanket must be double sided and filled with stuffing).





there you go! now, let's help others! looks below!

(contd)

you can kill the crops of the very small village by blocking the sun.



uh oh, that's one cold dog!




you can lay down on a cold dog to help him/her!



or you can help out two people with their picnic!

(contd)

lastly, you can protect the very small people from the evil giant.

3.2.09

1.2.09

I AM CHANGING INTO SOMETHING ELSE

i feel like i am an entirely different person.

if you see me at awp and you bought the book you can do one of the following (you can do these things without buying anything too (fuck it, if you bought shane's book or blake's book or barry graham's book you can do any of the following)):

cut my chest open with a knife and then lick the cut
allow me to cut your chest with a knife and then allow me to lick the cut
stomp on my toes and then run around me as i hold them and wince
blow into a ziplock bag and then put the ziplock bag in my mouth and try to explode my lungs
designate a person of your choice for me to impregnate
you can rip my book up in front of me
me and barry will make out in front of you
you can watch me sneak up behind blake butler and then give him a noogie that causes permanent baldness
you can ignore me and say nothing
you can tell me you wrote the book and then i will be confused
you can buy me a small fountain drink from a nearby restaurant and i will drink it as fast as i can
you can tap my shoulder and then quickly move to the other side and keep doing that until i have a nervous breakdown
you can invite me back to your hotel room and we can jump on the bed
you can watch me walk out of the hilton and walk all the way home without looking anyone else in the eyes
lastly, if you tell me in advance i will bring a copy of a manuscript i am working on and i will read it to in full or we can walk to state street and throw the manuscript up into the air because i don't know if it is awesome to the bone or not.

in the last few days and in the next few i will have read:

anti oedipus
the wavering knife
i looked alive
tape for the turn of the year
corson's inlet
bosh and flapdoodle

merry christmas everyone.

becoming friends with someone is a form of cross contamination in which the cure is never having said anything.

i heart your eyes.