29.3.09

PROMOTION AND HOW TO NOT LEAVE TEETHMARKS ON YOUR GRANDFATHER'S INNER THIGH

yo yo yo everybody (that was my gameshow/cool tv host thing). the next five people to buy CLONE and mention something about a promotion in the email will get a copy of a printed manuscript of another book of poems, which i think is either called I CAN IMITATE A FLOOR or FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO. maybe the manuscript sucks but i mean, it's fucking free and shit. also, i will have more copies of CLONE to give out sometime this week.

here is a list of developments:

1. on a walk a few days ago, the entire bottom part of my right boot came off and i fell into the road. it was really fucking pathetic.

2. (development related to previous development) an old man in my apartment building gave me another pair of boots when he saw my ripped one. the boots, to date, are pretty fucking sweet.

3. (development related to previous development) the tongues on both boots have for some reason like, bent over, all '92 '93 style.

4. (development related to previous development) i will not change the tongues. they will stay how they are.

5. (unrelated development) i experience a huge feeling of accomplishment when i realize i have remembered to wear socks outside.

6. (unrelated development) i was at a birthday party for someone i didn't know a couple nights ago. i sat on the couch looking straight ahead. this girl who kept talking about how she was korean fell over behind my back on the couch and then was asleep. i picked her head up and put a pillow underneath and she mumbled "don't touch me or i'll punch your skull off."

7. have a nice day everyone.

26.3.09

THE EARTH IS GOING BALD AND IT IS GOOD

too many posts in the last few days. read them and hate me. i am the interview editor for dogzplot now. email me. spink@dogzplot.com.

here is a poem for you. it is called I SAW A MAN WITH DOWN'S SYNDROME AT THE STORE AND I FELT BAD.

my favorite writer from romania interviewed me. she is like the romanian ellen kennedy but more satanic.


also, i was buying groceries yesterday and i heard a small girl at the end of the aisle, talking to her parents. she said, "look at the weird man. he is weird." i heard the parents try to discourage her from saying any more. then i heard her saying it again in the next aisle. she said, "there's that weird man again." the mom said, "he's not weird." then i passed and said, "no she's right, i am fucking weird. it's cool."

also also, i saw an elderly woman with her grandaughter playing in a field. i wanted to walk up and touch the grandaughter and say to the grandmother, "can i have this please." i think i would've provided a good life for the grandaughter.

j-dobbs interviewed me too. he's a bad bitch.

25.3.09

IS THERE A SUCH THING AS A 'REVERSE HEIMLICH MANEUVER'?

i sent the book of plays to NOEMI PRESS, who politely agreed to read it before the reading period for drama at their press. now i am feeling weird. i am going to start sending out the poetry book too. i think i feel good about both. manic-good. my goal is to constantly crush what i have done and make new things. anyway, merry christmas everyone. i think i asked greying ghost if they'd look at the poems but they haven't replied. i kind of want to just post the poems here but i really don't think people will read it. who knows. is it possible to be a bastard and a shithead? i want to live in Maine again. i also want to sit on the couch by the sliding glass door with the sliding glass door kind of open. i wish i woke up every morning to a note that says, "remember, you are not important." that kind of happens now. i keep fluctuating between wanting to hurt feelings and hurt people physically and wanting to be good. it's sad how much i suck ass. anyway merry christmas everyone. i don't think anyone thinks that mice are evil. is there a reverse heimlich maneuver. whenever i hit my toe against something i take a deep breath and prepare to look down and see it like broken to the side and shit. if that happened could i touch the bone and not feel it? i am horny as a bat lately. i don't know if bats are horny. if you were the moon i'd never fund a space program, that's an insult but i didn't want it to be too damaging. the other day i was standing in line at the store and i suddenly noticed i had produced a large amount of ass-sweat (henceforth "swass"). the swass made me think my water had broke and then i remembered i am a male. i could floss with my self-esteem. no joke. is it wrong that i am fantasizing about burning someone's ass with a cigarette while i have sex with them? anyway, merry christmas y'all. wait hold on, ok i am the uncle you never see because there is something slightly wrong with him. when i have to purchase groceries i actually consider suicide as a means to get out of it. it would be cool to commit suicide with a gun but like have the explosion freeze and then that would be your head forever. sometimes i don't look people in the eye because when i do i can actually feel the ugly move beneath my face. good lord motherfuckers. here is a closing line from the coolest motherfucker from chicago, TWISTA: "careful where you servin' yo blows because those hoes got the po-pos posin' as hoboes." and here is a closing line from another motherfucker, this time from new york, named BIG L:

I was taught wise, I'm known to extort guys
This ain't Cali, it's Harlem nigga we do walkbys
No one can match me, tax me or wax me
If you want me to write you some raps G just ask me
Cause on the shelf is where your LP cold stood
Because it was no good, that shit ain't even go wood
I'm not the type to take sluts out, I just fuck they guts out
Get my nuts out, then break the fuck out
Me being a virgin, that's idiotic
Cause if Big L got the AIDS every cutie in the city got it

here's another line i like from BIG L:

Step to this and get left with a face full of tears, pal
but man you've been rappin for years now
and ain't made a hit yet, you flop in a split sec
In the shower's the only time you get your dick wet

I WASN'T BORN WITH ENOUGH ARMS

Tucking-in the entire earth by hand would take a really long time and I am so tired I don’t think I can do it.

AW SHIT YO

Today while I was waiting for the bus I put my hand into my pocket to get some change but my fingers went through a hole in my pocket and I accidentally touched my own leg. It felt horrible. I hope that never happens again.

AN EMAIL I GOT FROM MY FAVORITE WRITER IN BUCHAREST

Hy Sam

This email is asking you how I buy the book "I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT" and how much i have to pay.Beacause Chicago is so far than Bucharest(RO).
It is ok if you don't respond this fucking email and i will understand.
Yesterday i read you're blog and you're interview and i changed my mind.
You are a good writer with philozofical ideeas and you use things that people may fear to bring pleasure in you're words.
The reason that made me send this email is not for you're pride and not for my personal interests,I won't more details about the book.
Thanks for reading this,
R-----

Ps:don't die until you email me back...oups..and don't tell anyone

22.3.09

THE BUBBLES OF YOUR BUBBLE BATH ARE MILLIONS OF HATEFUL FACES

ANI SMITH INTERVIEWED ME HERE.

THINGS MENTIONED THAT MIGHT GET YOU TO READ THE INTERVIEW:

"BUDNIK" FROM "SALUTE YOUR SHORTS"

DREAMS WHERE I HAVE SEX WITH A CHEETAH WOMAN KIND OF CREATURE

GETTING KNEED IN THE BALLS

HOW TO DROWN SOMEONE BY BREAKING THEIR NOSE WITH A WRENCH

WEARING SWEATPANTS WITHOUT UNDERWEAR BENEATH



HELL YEAH EVERYONE--BE SAFE, BE GOOD AND NEVER LOOK ANYONE IN THE EYES!

19.3.09

BARRY GRAHAM, STILL NOT A DICKHOLE

hello. i was asked to do a "writer on writer" interview for the new orange alert site. i interviewed barry fucking graham. i think the interview is really funny. i keep acting like a bitch ass ho and barry keeps being nice and honest. we talk about video games and his book THE NATIONAL VIRGINITY PLEDGE which is a really really really good book.

16.3.09

AN ATTRACTIVE OLDER WOMAN READS ONE OF MY UNATTRACTIVE POEMS

WATCH THIS AND THEN BLOW THE SHAVINGS OF YOUR SELF ESTEEM BENEATH THE FRIDGE

also, it is possible to recreate the entire world with a dot to dot except for the paper on which the dot to dot is written. it is hard to pick which dot to begin with. but i don't think it matters.

bye.

(if anyone can get someone else to read, i will email that person a poem and then we can watch the person reading it)

14.3.09

"HARM ANOTHER HUMAN BEING INTO ADMIRING YOU" AND BOOK AWARD

michael bible, the editor of KITTY SNACKS, and author of MY SECOND BEST BEAR HUG (the shit), posted a video of his girlfriend's mom reading a poem of mine called HARM ANOTHER HUMAN BEING INTO ADMIRING YOU. it seems the video no longer exists now though. EEK!

also, i just got an email from SENTENCE BOOKS that I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT was a semi-finalist in their book competition. EEEK!

UPDIZZLE: i fucking suck. no, jk y'allz mark baumer interviewed me.

12.3.09

JUDAS

hi. can people list some good poetry publishers and also someone who might publish a book of plays (the plays are similar to BE NICE TO EVERYONE but awesomer). i don't know that much about publishing and i feel like since 95 % of people will call the books "retarded bullshit to the max" i need help finding a good one. i don't know. if you can help that's cool if not, rock on bro. keep failing.

11.3.09

REMEMBER "PERFECT STRANGERS"?

NEW INTERVIEW HERE MAKING LAUGHS FOR THE BELLY THAT IS SAD BY WAY OF NOT HAVING FRIENDS AND HAVING STARES AT SCREEN OF COMPUTER FOR RELIEF OF BEING A PERSON.

some quotes from interview:

"the biggest influence is when you’re like about to fall asleep and you think something and then start laughing really hard and your bitch tits shake with the laughter."

"post-handjob surrealism"

"I feel that if my old roommates heard me say something about modern artists they would burn me with cigarettes and call me a butthole and I wouldn’t be mad at them."

thanks for reading this i hope you like it.

fuck you everbody, fuck you. i mean it.

9.3.09

NO MORE FABLES

i am at the part of the nap where i realize the nap is long. very long.



i am at the part of the nap where i am ok with how long it is, because a nap is something that ends itself.

4.3.09

YESTERDAY THIS DUDE TOLD ME HIS DAD STARTED PUNCHING HIM WHEN HE WAS THREE AND I SAID "OH COOL" WITHOUT REALLY THINKING ABOUT IT I SUCK

UPDATE: justin dobbs, who is really fucking cool, interviewed me here.

here are some things i keep thinking

1. i'd like to light my pants on fire and try to endure it
2. i'd like to punch myself in the mouth and knock out some teeth
3. i'd like to pull my closet door off (i could do this, i know it, i believe in myself)
4. i'd like elizabeth ellen to push me from a moving vehicle so my body hits a tree.

HOBART INTERVIEW

what are some good journals to send things to. i have a lot of stuff now. maybe i will just put it here who cares. does anyone want a book of poems or a book of plays i think they are done. i am pretty sure i have fucked them both up, not in a "i hate myself i'm so sad i'm pathetic" kind of way, more like a "no dude, you seriously made these worse" kind of way.

here are some titles i am considering for the poetry book

1. frowns need friends too
2. hurt your own feelings
3. inhaling tile cleaner = rad
4. how to cook crystal methamphetamine
5. official september 11th book
6. fuck you, dummy
7. how to be an awesome dude
8. fetal alcohol syndrome
9. i woke up facedown on my pillow and i thought the world was gone and i became a millionaire.
10. the koran
11. the middle-aged testament
12. the earth sniffed paint while it was pregnant with me
13. bitch tits

i worked on these poems for a long time. longer than usual. the book is basically three smaller books that i put together. i saved maybe like three lines from YUM YUM I CAN"T WAIT TO DIE so that book doesn't exist anymore. then i put two other books with it. it seems pretty good when i am alone in my room and it is 3 a.m. is 28,000 words too long for one poems? do tell.

the other book is plays. if you read the play in no colony or BE NICE TO EVERYONE, they are kind of like that. does anyone know who would publish them? they are more like short stories with dialogue tags and other shit. i think i will call it THE SELF-ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME. holocaust is a word divested from history too so don't be a prick. here are some things that happen in the book, so you maybe like me more:

1. a man is killed when someone rolls up a car window on his neck
2. three policeman catch The Greatest Dad in the World and ask him questions.
3. an old man saw his head off in the hallway of an apartment building.
4. a girl at a halloween party dressed like her own grandmother vomits a huge jawbone and then another girl dressed like a policeman breaks the jawbone along the ground until it cleaves and then she shaves the grandmothers legs with it.
5. a pedophile throws a disabled dog onto a small child and the dog eats the small child's face and head.
6. a man pisses on the grave of an elementary school teacher who refused to let him go to the bathroom every day.
7. two men fight, the loser to be neutered, over an argument about whether or not they like the show CHEERS.
8. two policeman run into a deer in their car then take the deer into the forest and remove all its bones and clean them in a stream.
9. a man finds a frozen sock outside and talks to it.
10. generally, there is conversation of an inhuman nature and nobody listens to each other.

i had fun writing both of these books. as long as i am having fun, i am going to keep doing it. my dad taught me how to be a violent person and how to mistreat others. thanks everyone. it was nice talking to you. hopefully, my next post will be a video of me ripping my closet door off the frame. i think there will be more information about THE HAPPY HUMAN DIGEST coming soon. but start getting videos together of people breaking things and we will post them, provided there will be no legal repercussions. goodbye.

ps--does anyone actually hate me and the writing? if so, please email me and i will post the email to convince others to hate me too. i am serious.

2.3.09

HOBART INTERVIEW WITH WARM SEX FEELING PRODUCING ELIZABETH ELLEN I WANT HER TO KILL ME WITH HER SAND COLORED HAIR AND EVIL SMILE

elizabeth ellen interviewed me. i really like the interview. also, i keep thinking, "shoot me in the weiner with a machine gun loaded with breathmints."

1.3.09

INTERVIEWING IS LARGE GOOD MAKING BIGGER LAUGH LAUGH IN BELLY HOLE

i interviewed rauan klassnik for htmlgiant.com.

if you want to be interviewed on htmlgiant.com, email me, and i will do it. it might take a long time, but goddamnit baby i'm gonna shave my bitch tits and get you interviewed for making big eyeball laughter inside sad badly piled human mindhead other reader know other human body and make email friendship happiness.