30.5.09

THERE ARE MORE EXAMPLES OF HOW TO MISTREAT PEOPLE THAN ANYTHING ELSE

this is an endorsement. the album I'VE VISITED THE ISLAND OF JOCKS AND JAZZ by the band THE HOSPITALS is fucking bad ace mang. i can't find any tour dates for chicago but if anyone knows, let me know. we can go sweat and dance. the song RICH PEOPLE creates like, a weird wave of blood traveling to my head feeling. somewhat like blocking a field goal in super tecmo bowl. anyway, on a sidenote, i have a very sincere urge to light buildings on fire now. i'll keep you posted. ghost rapist!

UPDATE: riley michael parker, author of OUR BELOVED 26th interviewed me here. pretty good interview. mentions made of nu metal, eugene levy, boners coming through the flap in your boxers, etc.

28.5.09

I WANT TO FATHER MILLIONS OF CHILDREN AND THEN PLAY GHOST IN THE GRAVEYARD WITH THEM ALL WHILE I'M HIGH ON KETAMINE

blake butler (the guy in the "empire carpet" commercials) is running a contest. the contest is free to enter. the contest is rapidly gaining prizes. i donated two things. one is the last hand-edited manuscript of THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME (six gallery press 2009) and a printed copy of the prose poetry manuscript FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO (this is a copy no one has seen). don't worry there are better prizes too. go here for the list and the rules. fog on, brothers and sisters. fog on.

26.5.09

CLITORAL HOOD HELD OPEN BY EYELASHES WORKING IN TANDEM AND YOU CAN'T BE WASHED UP UNTIL YOU'RE DONE DROWNING

i am going to post a book of prose poems here pretty soon. i thought about trying to get it published and i think some people are reading it, but i keep imagining myself splitting in two and then the one going, "why do you want to publish it, that's dumb you dummy." and the first one goes, "hmmm, i think books are nice." then the other like, shrugs and swings an x-box controller like a mace and crushes the other one's forehead. is it better to just post it or like, is pdf better. like, is there a situation where you'd go, "fuck, if i only had a pdf" and then bite your forefinger knuckle? can you see that happening? does anyone want to be the other me and hit me in the forehead with an x-box controller, with like, "mam said knock you out" as the soundtrack? i am going to drown myself in lake michigan. wait, so is pdf better? now i am imagining myself as an old man with his hands in his pockets listening to his grandson explain email. i keep nodding and going, "oh that's nice." finna take a multivitamin soon. sometimes i go to malls and just sit down and think nothing. last night i had a dream that i had sex with a female version of that weird looking thing from goonies. i woke up before i ejaculated. which is good. when i get more copies of CLONE i will mail some out with a free copy of ERNEST RIDES AGAIN (on vhs). do you think anyone would pay me to re-write episodes of SAVED BY THE BELL? i think someone joked about this once and now i am taking it seriously. does anyone in chicago want to jumpkick the sears tower with me. for promotion? i mean i'd like to sell at least three more copies of CLONE to bring the total to like eighteen copies. that seems like it would impress some people. so wait, is pdf better? i probably won't even do a pdf if it is. i imagine that i will frreak out while trying to do it, and then someone at office max will walk slowly to the back office and unleash the store dinaosaur. does office max have a dinaosaur for security? i am pretty sure i heard a dinosaur once in the backroom, like scanning something. yesterday i test punched a cabinet. pretty dang sure i could put my hand through it. damn i'm awesome. so wait, is pdf better. waht is pdf. is pdf like the china white of electronic shit. shit. if i snuck (sneaked? snucked?) into the zoo, would they have to keep me. maybe i should see if i can get a video of my gramdnother loading a shotgun and put it on this site. if i had statcounter it would say, "no one likes you." or like, it would just show cobwebs. simon and shuster is going to publish my novel. the novel is called FATHER SON MAKE-OUT PARTY. i am 26 now. hell yeah! i have like four years left on earth. hopefully i can get a picture book published! so wait, is pdf better. the prose poems are like, a mashup of a bunch of shit i did a while ago. it has the severely destroyed edition of YUM YUM I CAN"T WAIT TO DIE in it. i just want it to be done so i can move on with shit. fifteen minutes is my new standard editing time on the book of plays. i can go fifteen minutes and then i turn on the shopping channel and watch the number of sale on the bottom of the screen. september eleventh everyone. we won't forget. is hezbollah hiring? do they have health insurance and shit. i could chill on a mountain and shit. does anbyone need a human statue? i am ugly. anyway, the book is kind of shitty so i want to get rid of it. so wait, is pdf better? when will all my teeth be gone? and will iever be married and have kids? that kind of sounds nice? when will i disappear and is this the end of hetereosxuality? i just coined a really cool idea: the death of heterosexuality. i keep trying to touch my head but there's just space there. it's causing me concern. i'm fukkin scared. fukk. goodbye urrybody. i like the song MINNESOTA by CONVERGE. anyone in chicago want to go to a HE WHO CORRUPTS show with me? i almost broke my arm at the last one. and i helped tear some dudes underwear off while others kicked him. is it easter yet. i like a lot of people. bye bye yo!

22.5.09

DOES ANYONE WANT TO ADOPT ME? (NOT JOKING DUDES)

INTERVIEW WITH KWEEF INSTIGATOR SCOTT MC CLANAHAN UP AT DOGZPLOT. I FULLY ENDORSE HIS BOOK.

INTERVIEW WITH SEX WORKER COMING SOON!

HAVE OTHER THINGS TO SAY AT SOME POINT!

DOES ANYONE WANT TO ADOPT ME?

OR JUST LIKE, COME OVER TO MY PLACE AND WATER ME ONCE IN A WHILE?

IS IT POSSIBLE FOR YOUR HAIR TO GET SO GREASY PEOPLE THINK IT'S ACTUALLY CLEAN?

I AM A PROFESSIONAL AT BELIEVING PEOPLE HATE ME ONCE THEY ARE OUT OF SIGHT AND HAVEN'T RECENTLY TOLD ME I AM NOT HATED. IT HAPPENS LIKE, INSTANTLY.

I STOLE A CAR WHEN I WAS TWENTY. SOMEONE REMINDED ME THE OTHER DAY. IT WAS AWESOME. BEST FEELING OF MY LIFE. I AM GLAD I WAS NEVER CAUGHT DOING ANYTHING OF THE THINGS I USED TO DO!

WORKING ON BOOKS!

NO ONE WILL LIKE THE BOOK OF PLAYS! (NOT JOKING DUDE)

GRASS STAIN ON MY DICKIES FUCK!

I PLAYED CATCH WITH A FOOTBALL AT THE PARK YESTERDAY AND THERE WAS A GIRL IN A SWIMSUIT WATCHING ME. I THOUGHT ABOUT HOW FUNNY IT WOULD BE IF I TRIPPED AND LIKE, MY LEG BONE BROKE AND POKED OUT FROM THE SKIN. SHE WOULDN'T BE IMPRESSED THEN.

FATHER/SON MAKE-OUT PARTY Y'ALL! WHO'S WITH ME.

I FEEL REALLY SUCKY LATELY.

DOES ANYONE WANT TO WRESTLE ME AND TAPE IT?

IF ANYONE IS LIKE, REALLY TOTALLY GOING TO DO A TERRORIST ACT OR WHATEVER, EMAIL ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU A COPY OF "CLONE."

ALL I CARE ABOUT IS MONEY.

DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY THINK ABOUT THEIR CAREER WHEN THEY'RE WRITING?

WHEN I SWALLOW THE WORDS, "FUCK YOU" THE ENTIRE POPULATION GETS PREGNANT.

I WANT TO BE EVERYONE'S DAD!

CAN I BE YOUR GRANDFATHER? I'LL DO A GOOD JOB. NOT JOKING DUDES!

WE ALWAYS COME AT THE SAME TIME. WE ALWAYS FALL ASLEEP.

RIGHT NOW: BLACKHAWKS 3, DETROITS FUCKWINGS 0.

HAS ANYONE EVER HEARD THE SONG "BIG PONYTAIL" BY THE BAND "KITES"? I THINK THAT SONG EXPLAINS EVERYTHING EVER DONE OR SAID.

I THINK THE NEW ISSUE OF UNSAID IS OUT! I AM IN IT. SUCCESS! BLAKE TOLD ME DAVID MCLENDON AND PETER MARKUS WERE AT THE READING THIS PAST WEEKEND BUT I GHOSTED OUT AND DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO MEET THEM. I SUCK! GAHHHHHHHHHH! I GOT A HAPPY MEAL INSTEAD! IT CAME WITH A TOUPEE INSIDE IT! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I THINK I WILL POST THIS BOOK OF POEMS SOON SINCE IT FEELS STUPID TO TRY TO GET IT PUBLISHED.

THIS POST IS HALF SUCKY AND HALF COOL.

WOULD ANYONE BESIDES ME DRINK COFFEE FLAVORED LIKE GRAPE NOW AND LATERS?

I DARE YOU NOT TO DIE WHEN I LICK THE BOTTOM OF YOUR FOOT WHILE WE'RE FUCKING!

I DARE YOU TO COME BACK TO LIFE!

I FEEL POWER BUT I WANT TO JUST SIT AND ENJOY IT!

DOES ANYONE HAVE A CHILD THEY DON'T WANT ANYMORE? I THINK I WANT TO BE A FATHER.

PRETTY PLEASE?

I CAN'T HEAR OUT OF MY LEFT EAR! PRETTY PLEASE!

ARE THERE HOUSES IN SPACE?

WHEN WILL "INTERNET" WRITERS START KILLING THEMSELVES? IF WE TAPE ALL THE SUICIDES WE CAN HAVE A VIEWING AT "DISCOVERY ZONE" WHILE BRUISING OUT KNEES ON PLASTIC TUBES. I LIKE DISCOVERY ZONE. EXCEPT YOUR FACE IS ALWAYS IN SOMEONE'S ASS AND THE ROLLER SLIDE ALWAYS PINCHES MY BUTT YO! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

DOES ANYONE REALLY LIKE BEING MEAN? I THINK SOME PEOPLE DO!

I ATE A TWENTY FIVE POUND WATERMELON YESTERDAY!

A FIVE YEAR OLD GIRL PASSED ME ON THE STREET, PUSHING A STROLLER WITH A PLASTIC DOLL IN IT, AND SHE SAID, "LIKE YA MOHAWK BWOY."

IS ANYONE IN HIGH SCHOOL RIGHT NOW AND NEEDS A PROM DATE?

I WAS PROM KING! NO JOKE! I WAS ON ACID IN FRONT OF THE PRINCIPLE!

EVERYONE IN CHICAGO IS MEAN AS FUCK. EXCEPT FOR THE LADY AT THE SUPERMARKET WHO LET ME USE HER PREFERRED CARD SO I COULD MAXIMIZE MY SAVINGS. SHE WENT, "I GOTCHA NAH CHILD" THEN TOOK OUT HER SMALL PURSE.

I AM GOING TO STEAL A CAR NOW.

19.5.09

ANN ARBOR

i went to ann arbor for a reading this weekend. here is everything i can remember while sitting here right now:

on a train to union station two girls sitting next to me were speaking german. i got the idea that i was going to say "danke" to the guy taking the money for tickets so they'd look at me and try to engage me in speaking german, but then i would just act confused. i didn't do that because i suddenly felt embarrassed. i started reading "a long day's journey into night" and then i couldn't concentrate on anything. so i stared out the window. it felt really good. at union station i exited and thought the idea, "union station and all the people inside must be burned." i walked out of union station. i still had, and still have an ear infection, that has left me deaf in my left ear, and when i got outside, the wind really hurt my ear and i thought about what would happen if i just sat down and didn't get up. would someone eventually walk up to me and ask me to leave? or would i just starve. i realized i didn't know where the bus was. i had to find the bus to ann arbor. i realized that the bus could be anywhere. and i felt helpless. i talked to a woman at the parking gate at union station. she had teeth in certain areas on top and certain areas on bottom, so that the teeth lined up like tusks. i wanted to say, "sweet tusks yo" but i just asked where the bus would be. she told me and i said, "thank you ma'am." i saw a bunch of people standing on the sidewalk with luggage. i had the idea that that was probably where i should go. but what if they were going somewhere else. what would happen then. would i just live wherever i went. would i be able to find a job. i walked up to a car, where the driver's side door was open, and there was a man wearing a neon green vest, sleeping with the chair back. i woke him up and asked where the bus was. he pointed to where i just was, and looked at me with eyes that said, "you should be getting choked until death right now." i walked back passed the people with the luggage. everyone one of them was staring at me. i stared at all of them as i passed. i sat on the sidewalk and waited. i had to squint unnaturally to block the sun. i felt stupid. a man walked up to where i was sitting and ate some chicken legs out of a box in the garbage. i wanted to say, "pass that shit dog" but i couldn't concentrate because of the squinting. i got on the bus when it came and sat down by myself. when we left, the driver said, "hey everybody, my name is joshua, i'm your driver, and we're going to have ourselves a nice time today." then we were quiet for four hours and i sat staring out the window because it felt good and i couldn't concentrate. the man across the aisle kept looking at me. then i'd look at him until he looked away. it happened enough times to feel absurd. when i got to ann arbor, bayy graham picked me up. he was with his brother. we got lost for a few hours and got some food at denny's. barry ordered the "dippable vegetables" with his food. we talked a lot about the dippable vegetables before they came, and then when they came, no one said anything about the dippable vegetables. at a certain point, barry said to his brother, "so if i pulled out like, some magic johnson blood, would you let me pour it on your face for like 15 G's?" i said that i wouldn't. a small child stared at me from across the room almost the entire time. i waved at her. she kept staring. we left and went to elizabeth ellen's house. there were people there. mary miller was there, and aaron burch, and blake butler, and jensen whelan, and matthew simmons and adam robinson and this guy that i kept calling "ol boy" or "tall dude." (on the subject of tall dude, when we were all sleeping in the basement later on, "tall dude" was sleeping on the couch and i was sleeping on the floor with my shirt as a blanket. i woke up and noticed tall dude had gotten up off the couch to go to the bathroom. without really thinking, i went, "oh fuck yeah" and i really sneakily grabbed the blanket and went back to sleep quickly on the ground with the blanket over me. faking sleep, i heard the tall dude return, and he paused by the couch and said, "fuck." i laughed to myself. sorry tall dude. i'm a penis. for sure.) at elizabeth's house people drank and there was a fight between blake and adam that involved a banana. i tried to get blake to eat the fake goldfish out of a glass vase. but my fingers couldn't get it out. i stood on the porch with matt bell. he was nice. when i went back inside i made blake put on all the shirts i brought. i brought three. he put them on and started freestyling. then i radomly picked up books from elizabeth's shelves and saying the names of the books. then she's get embarrassed. at a certain point, i cleaned up so bottles and shit and then fell asleep in the basement with my boots still on. then the heinous blanket stealing incident occurred. the next day we went out for breakfast. before we went i took a shower. but i couldn't figure out how to change the bath faucet to like, go to the showerhead. so after i had soap on myself, i tried to get the showerhead to work but i couldn't. it felt humiliating. i eventually just washed myself underneath the faucet and like, by putting certain parts of my body into the water that was accumulating on the shower floor. i used a "papaya shower gel" and it was positively joyous. i felt renewed. we got breakfast. before we got breakfast barry and mary bough cupcakes from a cupcake store. then we got breakfast. after breakfast we sat outside. i bought a small plastic dog off a homeless man. he said, "you want a dog" and i was like, "how much man?" and he said, "whatever you'll give me." i have him a dollar and took the small plastic dog. there was another plastic dog next to it. i said, "i am breaking up a marriage." he laughed. then he took out a purse and another small plastic thing to sell. he asked me if i needed a handbag. i asked mary miller if she needed a handbag. everyone in the group decided that no one needed a handbag. then we all decided that some people would get the various elements from a cheese and cracker snack pack tattooed on our bodies. barry wanted the small plastic rectangular cheese applicator. then a discussion broke out about how would people know that it was a rectangular plastic cheese applicator and not just a red rectangle. i decided to get a cracker tattooed on me. with like eyes and giving a thumbs up saying something like, "yo put some cheese on me dude." we couldn't find a tattoo place that took walk ins. so we went back to elizabeth's. i met elizabeth's daughter. her name is andie. i found out from her that she is dating "the hottest guy in seventh grade." she was really nice to me. later on that day she gave me twizzlers and told me i was polite because i say please. at elizabeth's people sat around and barry kept trying to explain this movie he liked with robert downey junior and a soundtrack from cher. matthew simmons knew the name of the movie. at some point, it came out that andie's boy friend, who was the hottest guy in seventh grade, used hand sanitizer a lot. then barry got confused about why he would use a lot of hand sanitizer. people were generally curious about the hand sanitizer and questioned whether or not a person needs to use a lot. i brought up how nice the papaya hand gel was. i was sincere. we went to the reading at the bar. people sat around in the bar. i ate twizzlers and stared at my hands. blake and i though about getting homeless people to read for us. then i tried getting elizabeth's daughter to read for me. she wouldn't do it. i called her a wimp. she laughed at me. the reading happened and i read first. i don't think i looked up at all. i read ADVICE because that's what i randomly flipped to. there were a good amount of people at the reading. dan wickett was there. and i think dave mc clendon and i think mario van peebles was there too. and lorenzo lamas. elizabeth's daughter told me i did a good job when i was done. for a second, i felt like the hottest guy in seventh grade. then i asked her for another twizzler but i didn't say "may i please" because her and her mother had already brought attention to it, so it seemed like i was faking it, even though i was being polite. then mary read and it was really good. i bought her book BIG WORLD at the reading and will read it soon. then blake read and he was good. then barry read and people laughed. he read in front of a "golden tee" video arcade game. he scored a hole in one in my opinion (a hole in one is a golf term). then jensen whelan read and no one could figure out how to pronounce his last name. not even him. he read something about his wife that was really good. a lot of people laughed. everyone went back to elizabeth's house. i met sean kilpatrick. he was super nice and asked me to sign a book for him. i wrote "don't forget to smile." sean, if you email me, i will give you my address and you can kick me in the face so i will never smile again. sean was very nice and i wanted to talk to him more but he left early. he has a book coming out with six ghallery press. everything that i have read of sean's is really good. barry graham gave me another six gallery book called STORIES by scott mc clanahan (read below). later on, i went to sleep in the basement and slept underneath the poker table using my shirt as a blanket. there were more people sleeping in the basement because the people who were sleeping in elizabeth's daughter's room had to find a new room. elizabeth's daughter was worried that someone had jacked off on her bed. but there was general agreement amongst the people involved in the conversation that no one would do that. i think that i suggested it would be hard for me to do that knowing it was a thirteen year old's bed. most people agreed. it felt good to be accepted. elizabeth gave me a copy of BEFORE YOU SHE WAS A PITBULL. i asked her to sign it. she wouldn't sign it. so i signed it as her and i spelled elizabeth like "elixabeth" becuase i forgot cursive halfway through. i said, "can i spell your name like this" and she said yeah. at some point blake showed me a "textual message" that daniel bailey sent him that was address to me. it said, "beluga pussy." i think i nodded at blake. blake nodded and i went, "yeah dude." underneath the poker table i was scared a lot by matthew simmons' snoring. it was always just one snore at a time. randomly. a couple times i laughed. then i fell asleep and had a dream that uprooted trees were flying around. and i stood on top of a train, riding through a snow storm. when i woke up there was a couch spot open so i stood up and looked at the couch and actually said, "oh shit yeah, here we go." then i lay down and slept for a long time. the next morning i woke up and everyone in the basement was gone. they went to the airport. i took a shower and figured out the shower head. i ate a granola bar i found in my backpack. i took it into the shower with me and the last bite was really soggy but i ate it. i got breakfast with elizabeth and mary and we ate outside next to this guy who looked like an old sea captain. there was jazz music playing outside. the old sea captain said, "jazz makes you happy." i said, "or completely insane." when we left he told me to have a nice day and i told him to do that too. i went to the bus stop later. on the bus i sat and read. every time i looked up at the window, i saw this girl a few seats down looking at me on the window. i read elizabeth's book and it was really fucking good. it made me wish i had actually gotten her signature. even though she was a huge baby about the whole thing. like, a huge ass baby ass wimp. then i read scott mc clanahan's book and it was really fucking good. i got excited about how good people were. i imagined a giant hole and there was a crane dumping load after load of good into the hole. and then i imagined jumping into the hole. here is a line i remember from scott's book: "when i was five i wanted barbie dolls and a barbie pool. but not to play with, to drink the water." at that point, an LOL slipped forth from my mouth. i would buy all of the book i mentioned. they improved my life during the time i read them and subsequently thought of them. it made me feel like i need to be better and try harder and like, max-out with my cock out way more and shit. when i got back to chicago, i still coudln't hear out of my left ear. i walked home and felt really sad. like crushed completely and then swept into an ocean. everyone gave me mean looks on the walk back and i felt mean too. it was gnarly. everyone is better than me.

15.5.09

HORNY PRIEST

THERE IS NO GOD:



(click here for enlargement dude!)

LITERARY CONTEST:

today is the last day to enter brandon scott gorrell's contest. the prize package is so deep. so deep it put that ass to sleep. please believe it.



IF YOU EVER WANTED TO READ A STORY ABOUT BRANDI WELLS PISSING ON A ROLL OF PAPER TOWEL THAT IS SHOVED INTO MY THROAT:

then here you go.

BRIEF EXAMINATION OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IN "FAMILY MATTERS":

laura winslow looks way better with the short hair, in the later episodes.

13.5.09

WHAT HAPPENED ON A WALK YESTERDAY

1.
yesterday i went for a walk and i saw a very old lady on one of those like hover craft things. there was a canopy over the hover craft thing and she was smiling. she had on terminator sunglasses and was holding a drink with an umbrella, in one hand, and in the other hand she held the leash to a small poodle that followed her. she seemed to think her life was totally rad and shit. she was right. i wanted to sit in her lap and have her drive me around. i also waned to lie down on the sidewalk and feel her drive over me. i think that would confuse people who were driving by.

2.
i passed this other dude who was just standing on the sidewalk, facing the street, eating ice cream out of a cup. he was looking at the ice cream. it looked like he was thinking, "thanks for being here with me ice cream."

3.
i passed a woman walking a dog. the dog was huge. the dog stopped and nudged me with its head. i petted it. the woman said, "that's weird, he never lets anyone pet him." i smiled and said, "that is because he can feel my infinite love."

4.
i passed a woman walking with her small son. the son looked at me like he was trying to figure out if i was human. i opened my eyes wide, quickly, when the mom wasn't looking. he seemed scared. tonight he will dream about me. hopefully i will be doing something cool like eating a giant soft pretzel. those things rule.

5.
i went to Staples to print out a final draft of THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME. the dude at the counter put my flash drive in and was like, "which one is it?" i leaned over and pointed to the screen, and when i leaned, i smelled my armpit. it seemed like he did too because he looked up at me like, "what have you done?"

10.5.09

BIG POST READ IT ALL AND HAVE FUN YEAH?

steven at storyglossia reviewed CLONE.

jhumpa lahiri fucking loves me.

PANK magazine reviewed CLONE.


i received a free copy of ellen kennedy's book SOMETIMES MY HEART PUSHES MY RIBS in the mail a few days ago. i read it. pretty good. will probably read it again.

CLONE is on goodreads. you can review it using stars to suggest how much you like it.

i dropped off the manuscript for FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO at black ocean the other day. i went to the address and it was an apartment. i thought it would be an office or some shit. so i stood out front of the apartment ringing the bell. eventually i just threw the manuscript (including free copy of CLONE) over the fence and onto the stairs. this dude walked by me and flashed an east-side symbol. i wanted to ask him to edit the manuscript but he walked away. here is a brief description of my status at the time i dropped off the manuscript:

body smell: bad enough to alienate the other people in the car who dropped me off. suggestions of killing myself were made.

eyes: ringed with big purple rings from getting no sleep

ability to slam dunk: still absent

stomach: feeling good from the waffles i had eaten

hair: at a stage of greasiness i have dubbed "just birthed"

hope: very low about getting published by black ocean but very high for the manuscript

i think i need to cut it down some more. i like it but at page seventy i go, "shit, still twenty more pages?" and then i skim the rest just to make myself feel like i read it so i don't hurt my feelings.

there should be a dogzplot interview up soon that i conducted with a lady who works at the bunny ranch in nevada.

also, i have a bunch of copies of CLONE now. you can email me and i will mail it to you for free.

7.5.09

CONVERSATIONS

1.

"smell me, do i smell like b.o?" (lifts arms) "like onion-style?"

(smells) "no, not onions. it smells, like pizza."

"pizza sounds worse than onions."

"could be."

(lowers arm) "people like pizza though."

"they do."

2.

"drink some beers tonight?"

"i would drink greater than or equal to one 40oz."

"can't get forties around here."

"what? we'll go to lucky's."

"fuck that. i don't want to get shot."

"the people there don't fuck with me."

"that's because you look insane."

"remember the guy wearing the 'say cheese and die' hat?"

"yeah he was cool. he gave me some of his fritos."

"see?"

3.
"i hate 7-11."

"why?"

(kneeling in aisle) "why do they keep the tampons by the duct tape and the gardening gloves?"

"in case shit gets real."

4.
(grabbing tree branch walking past) "i think like, whenever the next time somebody buys something off me, and they want to know how much it costs, i'm going to be like, '1500 clams.' and then be like, 'actual clams.'"

"sounds good."

"you aren't listening to me."

5.5.09

I AM MAKING AN EFFORT TO WAVE TO MORE PEOPLE AND SO FAR IT'S COOL

here are four poems:


PUBERTY


I believe you can destroy a city with a somersault provided that the city is small enough and provided you don’t have a bad back.

I believe you can trample your friends if you don’t like them and I believe you can trample them or anything else in a way that makes it seem like that’s not what you are doing.

I believe that no one is guilty of anything.

I believe all material objects are made of small green circles that resemble blood cells and I believe that those small green circles all look the same.

And I believe you are one of the small green circles.

I wouldn’t argue with someone who said I was smaller than outerspace.

I’m destined to never talk to a certain amount of the population.

You can cut out a small cube of air and use it as a pillow and you can see things while you are sleeping that will make you scared.

But who doesn’t like a dumb scared motherfucker.


THE EARTH SNIFFED PAINT WHILE IT WAS PREGNANT WITH ME

I have to find a bed where no one will find me.

No one can know where my real bed is.

When I saw a pile of leaves today I thought, “No one will find me here. Here is good for a bed.”

I thought the same thing about this girl’s hood while I was in line at a store but then I remembered she would probably fall over if I slept in her hood and I said, “oh yeah” out loud and she turned and looked at me.

Everything cared about is easily lost or has to die off and you won’t know how it happens until it happens.

You don’t have to forget everyone you meet but you can if you want.


PEOPLE AVOID ME WHEN MY HEAD IS SHAVED

When I wake up I stay completely still and I say, “yayyyy” for as long as I can with one breath.

Yesterday I acted like the lightbulb in my room was the sun and outside my door there were too many evil people waiting for me to want to leave.

I did good acting.

No joy headless adolescent.

It is impossible to dislike someone you see sleeping.


SOMETIMES I AM TOO UPSET TO MAKE FOOD FOR MYSELF

I don’t like when someone touches my face.

First I feel disgusted.

Then I feel angry.

Don’t touch my face ever.

The teeth are the belly’s fence.

And uh something else that I don’t remember.

I’m bad at this.

Bye.

2.5.09

A SMALL BOY READS FROM "I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT"

holy fuck. fellow htmlgiant contibutor, pr, taped her son reading PATHETIC, from CLONE. holy fuck.

also, here's the small boy's blog. after a thorough reading, i welcome a new voice in literature.