19.5.09

ANN ARBOR

i went to ann arbor for a reading this weekend. here is everything i can remember while sitting here right now:

on a train to union station two girls sitting next to me were speaking german. i got the idea that i was going to say "danke" to the guy taking the money for tickets so they'd look at me and try to engage me in speaking german, but then i would just act confused. i didn't do that because i suddenly felt embarrassed. i started reading "a long day's journey into night" and then i couldn't concentrate on anything. so i stared out the window. it felt really good. at union station i exited and thought the idea, "union station and all the people inside must be burned." i walked out of union station. i still had, and still have an ear infection, that has left me deaf in my left ear, and when i got outside, the wind really hurt my ear and i thought about what would happen if i just sat down and didn't get up. would someone eventually walk up to me and ask me to leave? or would i just starve. i realized i didn't know where the bus was. i had to find the bus to ann arbor. i realized that the bus could be anywhere. and i felt helpless. i talked to a woman at the parking gate at union station. she had teeth in certain areas on top and certain areas on bottom, so that the teeth lined up like tusks. i wanted to say, "sweet tusks yo" but i just asked where the bus would be. she told me and i said, "thank you ma'am." i saw a bunch of people standing on the sidewalk with luggage. i had the idea that that was probably where i should go. but what if they were going somewhere else. what would happen then. would i just live wherever i went. would i be able to find a job. i walked up to a car, where the driver's side door was open, and there was a man wearing a neon green vest, sleeping with the chair back. i woke him up and asked where the bus was. he pointed to where i just was, and looked at me with eyes that said, "you should be getting choked until death right now." i walked back passed the people with the luggage. everyone one of them was staring at me. i stared at all of them as i passed. i sat on the sidewalk and waited. i had to squint unnaturally to block the sun. i felt stupid. a man walked up to where i was sitting and ate some chicken legs out of a box in the garbage. i wanted to say, "pass that shit dog" but i couldn't concentrate because of the squinting. i got on the bus when it came and sat down by myself. when we left, the driver said, "hey everybody, my name is joshua, i'm your driver, and we're going to have ourselves a nice time today." then we were quiet for four hours and i sat staring out the window because it felt good and i couldn't concentrate. the man across the aisle kept looking at me. then i'd look at him until he looked away. it happened enough times to feel absurd. when i got to ann arbor, bayy graham picked me up. he was with his brother. we got lost for a few hours and got some food at denny's. barry ordered the "dippable vegetables" with his food. we talked a lot about the dippable vegetables before they came, and then when they came, no one said anything about the dippable vegetables. at a certain point, barry said to his brother, "so if i pulled out like, some magic johnson blood, would you let me pour it on your face for like 15 G's?" i said that i wouldn't. a small child stared at me from across the room almost the entire time. i waved at her. she kept staring. we left and went to elizabeth ellen's house. there were people there. mary miller was there, and aaron burch, and blake butler, and jensen whelan, and matthew simmons and adam robinson and this guy that i kept calling "ol boy" or "tall dude." (on the subject of tall dude, when we were all sleeping in the basement later on, "tall dude" was sleeping on the couch and i was sleeping on the floor with my shirt as a blanket. i woke up and noticed tall dude had gotten up off the couch to go to the bathroom. without really thinking, i went, "oh fuck yeah" and i really sneakily grabbed the blanket and went back to sleep quickly on the ground with the blanket over me. faking sleep, i heard the tall dude return, and he paused by the couch and said, "fuck." i laughed to myself. sorry tall dude. i'm a penis. for sure.) at elizabeth's house people drank and there was a fight between blake and adam that involved a banana. i tried to get blake to eat the fake goldfish out of a glass vase. but my fingers couldn't get it out. i stood on the porch with matt bell. he was nice. when i went back inside i made blake put on all the shirts i brought. i brought three. he put them on and started freestyling. then i radomly picked up books from elizabeth's shelves and saying the names of the books. then she's get embarrassed. at a certain point, i cleaned up so bottles and shit and then fell asleep in the basement with my boots still on. then the heinous blanket stealing incident occurred. the next day we went out for breakfast. before we went i took a shower. but i couldn't figure out how to change the bath faucet to like, go to the showerhead. so after i had soap on myself, i tried to get the showerhead to work but i couldn't. it felt humiliating. i eventually just washed myself underneath the faucet and like, by putting certain parts of my body into the water that was accumulating on the shower floor. i used a "papaya shower gel" and it was positively joyous. i felt renewed. we got breakfast. before we got breakfast barry and mary bough cupcakes from a cupcake store. then we got breakfast. after breakfast we sat outside. i bought a small plastic dog off a homeless man. he said, "you want a dog" and i was like, "how much man?" and he said, "whatever you'll give me." i have him a dollar and took the small plastic dog. there was another plastic dog next to it. i said, "i am breaking up a marriage." he laughed. then he took out a purse and another small plastic thing to sell. he asked me if i needed a handbag. i asked mary miller if she needed a handbag. everyone in the group decided that no one needed a handbag. then we all decided that some people would get the various elements from a cheese and cracker snack pack tattooed on our bodies. barry wanted the small plastic rectangular cheese applicator. then a discussion broke out about how would people know that it was a rectangular plastic cheese applicator and not just a red rectangle. i decided to get a cracker tattooed on me. with like eyes and giving a thumbs up saying something like, "yo put some cheese on me dude." we couldn't find a tattoo place that took walk ins. so we went back to elizabeth's. i met elizabeth's daughter. her name is andie. i found out from her that she is dating "the hottest guy in seventh grade." she was really nice to me. later on that day she gave me twizzlers and told me i was polite because i say please. at elizabeth's people sat around and barry kept trying to explain this movie he liked with robert downey junior and a soundtrack from cher. matthew simmons knew the name of the movie. at some point, it came out that andie's boy friend, who was the hottest guy in seventh grade, used hand sanitizer a lot. then barry got confused about why he would use a lot of hand sanitizer. people were generally curious about the hand sanitizer and questioned whether or not a person needs to use a lot. i brought up how nice the papaya hand gel was. i was sincere. we went to the reading at the bar. people sat around in the bar. i ate twizzlers and stared at my hands. blake and i though about getting homeless people to read for us. then i tried getting elizabeth's daughter to read for me. she wouldn't do it. i called her a wimp. she laughed at me. the reading happened and i read first. i don't think i looked up at all. i read ADVICE because that's what i randomly flipped to. there were a good amount of people at the reading. dan wickett was there. and i think dave mc clendon and i think mario van peebles was there too. and lorenzo lamas. elizabeth's daughter told me i did a good job when i was done. for a second, i felt like the hottest guy in seventh grade. then i asked her for another twizzler but i didn't say "may i please" because her and her mother had already brought attention to it, so it seemed like i was faking it, even though i was being polite. then mary read and it was really good. i bought her book BIG WORLD at the reading and will read it soon. then blake read and he was good. then barry read and people laughed. he read in front of a "golden tee" video arcade game. he scored a hole in one in my opinion (a hole in one is a golf term). then jensen whelan read and no one could figure out how to pronounce his last name. not even him. he read something about his wife that was really good. a lot of people laughed. everyone went back to elizabeth's house. i met sean kilpatrick. he was super nice and asked me to sign a book for him. i wrote "don't forget to smile." sean, if you email me, i will give you my address and you can kick me in the face so i will never smile again. sean was very nice and i wanted to talk to him more but he left early. he has a book coming out with six ghallery press. everything that i have read of sean's is really good. barry graham gave me another six gallery book called STORIES by scott mc clanahan (read below). later on, i went to sleep in the basement and slept underneath the poker table using my shirt as a blanket. there were more people sleeping in the basement because the people who were sleeping in elizabeth's daughter's room had to find a new room. elizabeth's daughter was worried that someone had jacked off on her bed. but there was general agreement amongst the people involved in the conversation that no one would do that. i think that i suggested it would be hard for me to do that knowing it was a thirteen year old's bed. most people agreed. it felt good to be accepted. elizabeth gave me a copy of BEFORE YOU SHE WAS A PITBULL. i asked her to sign it. she wouldn't sign it. so i signed it as her and i spelled elizabeth like "elixabeth" becuase i forgot cursive halfway through. i said, "can i spell your name like this" and she said yeah. at some point blake showed me a "textual message" that daniel bailey sent him that was address to me. it said, "beluga pussy." i think i nodded at blake. blake nodded and i went, "yeah dude." underneath the poker table i was scared a lot by matthew simmons' snoring. it was always just one snore at a time. randomly. a couple times i laughed. then i fell asleep and had a dream that uprooted trees were flying around. and i stood on top of a train, riding through a snow storm. when i woke up there was a couch spot open so i stood up and looked at the couch and actually said, "oh shit yeah, here we go." then i lay down and slept for a long time. the next morning i woke up and everyone in the basement was gone. they went to the airport. i took a shower and figured out the shower head. i ate a granola bar i found in my backpack. i took it into the shower with me and the last bite was really soggy but i ate it. i got breakfast with elizabeth and mary and we ate outside next to this guy who looked like an old sea captain. there was jazz music playing outside. the old sea captain said, "jazz makes you happy." i said, "or completely insane." when we left he told me to have a nice day and i told him to do that too. i went to the bus stop later. on the bus i sat and read. every time i looked up at the window, i saw this girl a few seats down looking at me on the window. i read elizabeth's book and it was really fucking good. it made me wish i had actually gotten her signature. even though she was a huge baby about the whole thing. like, a huge ass baby ass wimp. then i read scott mc clanahan's book and it was really fucking good. i got excited about how good people were. i imagined a giant hole and there was a crane dumping load after load of good into the hole. and then i imagined jumping into the hole. here is a line i remember from scott's book: "when i was five i wanted barbie dolls and a barbie pool. but not to play with, to drink the water." at that point, an LOL slipped forth from my mouth. i would buy all of the book i mentioned. they improved my life during the time i read them and subsequently thought of them. it made me feel like i need to be better and try harder and like, max-out with my cock out way more and shit. when i got back to chicago, i still coudln't hear out of my left ear. i walked home and felt really sad. like crushed completely and then swept into an ocean. everyone gave me mean looks on the walk back and i felt mean too. it was gnarly. everyone is better than me.

18 comments:

Crispin Best said...

truly heroic

DJ Berndt said...

legends never die.

Joseph Young said...

i kept referring to you as 'that tall nazi' but adam kept insisting you are really nice so i relented and started thinking that too. i think also that you are probably sad. in any case, good post, good reading, good to meet you.

BLAKE BUTLER said...

dude, those snores were something else. i kept sitting up a little and looking to see if anyone else was awake to hear it. i thought he was dying some.

good chillin mane, sorry i didn't get to say bye since you were facedown

elizabeth ellen said...

"for a second, i felt like the hottest guy in seventh grade. "


haha. you are a huge dork.

jereme said...

"i had to squint unnaturally to block the sun. i felt stupid."

i empathize with this line.


so did any of you assholes tape the readings or what?

sam pink said...

yeah man. i'm a fucking hero. dj, i would split a hot pocket with you. joseph, you are the eighteenth person to call me a nazi in my life, probably more i don't know about. yeah dude blake, your toes were on my head at a certain point. i woke up and looked at the toes. i didn't move though. elizabeth, did you clean yet? jereme, i think someone took a picture at a certain point. other than that i'own't know.

JWB said...

good post, sam pink. i wish you had gotten the cracker tattoo. i think that would have completed the weekend in some perfect, poetic way. it was great to meet you.

daniel bailey said...

beluga pussy.

blake woke me up when he texted me.

Martin Wall said...

badassman. That is the heroic figure you are. Yr kinda like robin cause ya aint gt shit fr superpowers. Squinting is true! Your livin the good life, traveling around in this economy. My Dog is senile. He snores crazy.

DOGZPLOT said...

it wasnt just larenzo. the whole fucking cast of renegades was there.

jereme said...

you mean the rico suave indian partner and the plucky butter face blond girl who looks like she was birthed from a cat's pussy when the camera hits her at certain angles?

fuck yes.

still no video.

i hate you all.

AREN'T YOU THE SAME MOTHERFUCKERS WHO WERE AT AWP WITH ME? AREN'T YOU THE SAME MOTHERFUCKERS STANDING NEXT TO ME WITH VIDEO CAMERAS IN FEBRURARY.

bitch ass motherfuckers.

sam pink said...

dude i have renegade on dvd somewhere i think. yeah it's like, you can tell the indian guy's sister is all sweating lorenzo and shit, but he ain't having it. it's weird man. he's like too much of a renegade to care you know. i woke up today and there are small cuts on my fingers. i don't know what happened. i don't know if there is a video. if there was, it would show blake eating hot wings, barry eating an ice cream sundae, a lot of hungover people and me eating twizzlers, peeling a label off a beer bottle.

DOGZPLOT said...

for sure man. lots of quality foods were eaten.

sam pink said...

a lot of typos in this post.

jereme said...

acceptance

Drew Kalbach said...

that was entertaining, i read that while eating a grilled cheese sandwich and drinking a cup of coffee. both the coffee and the sandwich were good.

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