22.5.09

DOES ANYONE WANT TO ADOPT ME? (NOT JOKING DUDES)

INTERVIEW WITH KWEEF INSTIGATOR SCOTT MC CLANAHAN UP AT DOGZPLOT. I FULLY ENDORSE HIS BOOK.

INTERVIEW WITH SEX WORKER COMING SOON!

HAVE OTHER THINGS TO SAY AT SOME POINT!

DOES ANYONE WANT TO ADOPT ME?

OR JUST LIKE, COME OVER TO MY PLACE AND WATER ME ONCE IN A WHILE?

IS IT POSSIBLE FOR YOUR HAIR TO GET SO GREASY PEOPLE THINK IT'S ACTUALLY CLEAN?

I AM A PROFESSIONAL AT BELIEVING PEOPLE HATE ME ONCE THEY ARE OUT OF SIGHT AND HAVEN'T RECENTLY TOLD ME I AM NOT HATED. IT HAPPENS LIKE, INSTANTLY.

I STOLE A CAR WHEN I WAS TWENTY. SOMEONE REMINDED ME THE OTHER DAY. IT WAS AWESOME. BEST FEELING OF MY LIFE. I AM GLAD I WAS NEVER CAUGHT DOING ANYTHING OF THE THINGS I USED TO DO!

WORKING ON BOOKS!

NO ONE WILL LIKE THE BOOK OF PLAYS! (NOT JOKING DUDE)

GRASS STAIN ON MY DICKIES FUCK!

I PLAYED CATCH WITH A FOOTBALL AT THE PARK YESTERDAY AND THERE WAS A GIRL IN A SWIMSUIT WATCHING ME. I THOUGHT ABOUT HOW FUNNY IT WOULD BE IF I TRIPPED AND LIKE, MY LEG BONE BROKE AND POKED OUT FROM THE SKIN. SHE WOULDN'T BE IMPRESSED THEN.

FATHER/SON MAKE-OUT PARTY Y'ALL! WHO'S WITH ME.

I FEEL REALLY SUCKY LATELY.

DOES ANYONE WANT TO WRESTLE ME AND TAPE IT?

IF ANYONE IS LIKE, REALLY TOTALLY GOING TO DO A TERRORIST ACT OR WHATEVER, EMAIL ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU A COPY OF "CLONE."

ALL I CARE ABOUT IS MONEY.

DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY THINK ABOUT THEIR CAREER WHEN THEY'RE WRITING?

WHEN I SWALLOW THE WORDS, "FUCK YOU" THE ENTIRE POPULATION GETS PREGNANT.

I WANT TO BE EVERYONE'S DAD!

CAN I BE YOUR GRANDFATHER? I'LL DO A GOOD JOB. NOT JOKING DUDES!

WE ALWAYS COME AT THE SAME TIME. WE ALWAYS FALL ASLEEP.

RIGHT NOW: BLACKHAWKS 3, DETROITS FUCKWINGS 0.

HAS ANYONE EVER HEARD THE SONG "BIG PONYTAIL" BY THE BAND "KITES"? I THINK THAT SONG EXPLAINS EVERYTHING EVER DONE OR SAID.

I THINK THE NEW ISSUE OF UNSAID IS OUT! I AM IN IT. SUCCESS! BLAKE TOLD ME DAVID MCLENDON AND PETER MARKUS WERE AT THE READING THIS PAST WEEKEND BUT I GHOSTED OUT AND DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO MEET THEM. I SUCK! GAHHHHHHHHHH! I GOT A HAPPY MEAL INSTEAD! IT CAME WITH A TOUPEE INSIDE IT! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I THINK I WILL POST THIS BOOK OF POEMS SOON SINCE IT FEELS STUPID TO TRY TO GET IT PUBLISHED.

THIS POST IS HALF SUCKY AND HALF COOL.

WOULD ANYONE BESIDES ME DRINK COFFEE FLAVORED LIKE GRAPE NOW AND LATERS?

I DARE YOU NOT TO DIE WHEN I LICK THE BOTTOM OF YOUR FOOT WHILE WE'RE FUCKING!

I DARE YOU TO COME BACK TO LIFE!

I FEEL POWER BUT I WANT TO JUST SIT AND ENJOY IT!

DOES ANYONE HAVE A CHILD THEY DON'T WANT ANYMORE? I THINK I WANT TO BE A FATHER.

PRETTY PLEASE?

I CAN'T HEAR OUT OF MY LEFT EAR! PRETTY PLEASE!

ARE THERE HOUSES IN SPACE?

WHEN WILL "INTERNET" WRITERS START KILLING THEMSELVES? IF WE TAPE ALL THE SUICIDES WE CAN HAVE A VIEWING AT "DISCOVERY ZONE" WHILE BRUISING OUT KNEES ON PLASTIC TUBES. I LIKE DISCOVERY ZONE. EXCEPT YOUR FACE IS ALWAYS IN SOMEONE'S ASS AND THE ROLLER SLIDE ALWAYS PINCHES MY BUTT YO! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

DOES ANYONE REALLY LIKE BEING MEAN? I THINK SOME PEOPLE DO!

I ATE A TWENTY FIVE POUND WATERMELON YESTERDAY!

A FIVE YEAR OLD GIRL PASSED ME ON THE STREET, PUSHING A STROLLER WITH A PLASTIC DOLL IN IT, AND SHE SAID, "LIKE YA MOHAWK BWOY."

IS ANYONE IN HIGH SCHOOL RIGHT NOW AND NEEDS A PROM DATE?

I WAS PROM KING! NO JOKE! I WAS ON ACID IN FRONT OF THE PRINCIPLE!

EVERYONE IN CHICAGO IS MEAN AS FUCK. EXCEPT FOR THE LADY AT THE SUPERMARKET WHO LET ME USE HER PREFERRED CARD SO I COULD MAXIMIZE MY SAVINGS. SHE WENT, "I GOTCHA NAH CHILD" THEN TOOK OUT HER SMALL PURSE.

I AM GOING TO STEAL A CAR NOW.

18 comments:

Molly Gaudry said...

I'll adopt you. I believe in adoption, and I believe in the adoption of adults especially.

sam pink said...

ok. but i need you to buy me a toothbrush. all of mine are gone! gone! gone! this post sucks a lot. 9/11: we won't forget everybody. we won't forget.

TTB said...

SAM PINK,

I will gladly wrestle you. And tape it. And put you through a table. And so on. I think people don't really think TTB can wrestle. I want to prove the people wrong.

elizabeth ellen said...

you ain't stealin' no fucking car, sam pink. you fucking poser!

Chris East said...

don't steal a car now son, be a good boy for daddy

Ani Smith said...

If you steal the car I'll totally have sex with you in the back seat and then we can get high and run around screaming 'gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!' in old ladies' faces until we get arrested and they let me go because I'm a girl and my parents come get me and you get charged with GTA and arson because of that incident with the blowtorch and I go to the prom with some other dude who's scared of stealing cars and prematurely ejaculates on my leg all the damn time.

It'll be fun.

somethingsomethingelse said...

it is possible for your hair to get so greasy that it helps you decide what to order when you are in line at pizza hut. i saw this happen once. my hair is only greasy emotionally

nathantyree said...

Suicide Film Festival at Discovery Zone is maybe the sexiest thing anyone ever thought of.

sam pink said...

when i stole the car, i parked it on someone's lawn in the middle of the night and walked away. things used to be different. in the old days. why you could wake up and decide to steal a car. you could get a can of soda for a quarter. hope meant something.

sam pink said...

ttb, i can outwrestle you homey. belee dat. powerbomb into the middle of the earth homey.

ani, "jizz on my leg" sounds like a good blues song.

chris, i have on the same pants i have had on for over a week now. sources say more.

something, i'm at the point where people just go, "hey did you just take a shower"

nate, my mom booked DZ for the first week in july. start planning.

elizabeth, fuck you honky. i mean that.

Matt DeBenedictis said...

I'll adopt you but only if you beat up every kid in the neighborhood. Oh, and by beating up I mean making booby traps like the one's in The Predator.

Molly Gaudry said...

Do you still need a toothbrush? I'll send one ASAP!

sam pink said...

molly, i used a toothbrush last night that i randomnly found in the medicine cabinet. i kept thinking, "someone could have used this to clean or scrape anything." then i closed my eyes and brushed my teeth with it. what have i become?

Molly Gaudry said...

Well, at least you're brushing. It could be worse, I suppose.

Be good for Mommy, now, and don't forget to floss.

sam pink said...

strangely turned on

Molly Gaudry said...

What a bad boy you are.

knuckle down said...

i'd adopt you but i only have maybe 87 cents left and that's not enough to support anyone. i have an extra toothbrush but i have used it at least once. i'll give you my extra jewel-osco card but i want to see your best high kick first.

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