29.7.09

THE VIRGIN MARY

xtx asked me to contribute to her ELEPHANT SUMMER project so i wrote a very short thing that included an elephant and it's up on her blog now.

also, find out why PDF WEEKLY is calling A MINIVAN FULL OF ANGRY HETEROSXUALS WITH CROOKED TEETH AND EVEN MORE CROOKED WAYS OF GETTING REVENGE, "the pdf we've been waiting for."

also, i will be getting copies of I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT in the mail again soon. if you have any electronic copies of any JESUS LIZARD cds, or the album 38 COUNTS OF BATTERY by PIG DESTROYER, i will trade.

28.7.09

25.7.09

READING AT THE BOOK CELLAR

UPDATE: PICTURES FROM THE READING.

READ A REVIEW OF "I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT" IN CHICAGO'S "NEW CITY" MAGAZINE. I AM NOW FAMOUS. I WILL BE BUYING A SCARF AND RIDING AN OLD SCHWINN AROUND THE CITY SOON. I READ ON FRIDAY NIGHT WITH SCOTT MCCLANAHAN, BEN TANZER AND AMY GUTH. THE READING WAS FUN. WHEN I FIRST GOT TO THE BOOK CELLAR, SCOTT MCCLANAHAN WAS THERE AND HE SHOOK MY HAND. HE WAS WEARING A SUIT THAT WE LATER DETERMINED WAS "HALF SLEEZE, HALF BUSINESS." WE WENT TO A GERMAN RESTAURANT NEXT DOOR AND DRANK "BLACK BEER (SCHWARTZBIER)." SCOTT SWEET-TALKED THE WAITRESS. SHE WAS PROBABLY SEVENTY. SCOTT SAID HE NEEDED A "CHICAGO MOMMA." WE DRANK AND LISTENED TO A LIVE POLKA BAND FUCKING SHRED SHIT UP. ONE OF THE DUDES IN THE POLKA BAND, WE DETERMINED, LOOKED LIKE, "LARRY BIRD AFTER INGESTING SOME SORT OF SUPER-GENETIC OOZE, A LA SUPERSHREDDER IN TURTLES 2." PEOPLE DANCED TO THE POLKA MUSIC. WE LEFT AND WENT NEXT DOOR TO THE BOOK CELLAR. THE BOOK CELLAR WAS NICE. I MET BEN TANZER AND HIS MOTHER. I ALSO MET AMY GUTH. AMY GUT LATER TAUGHT ME WHAT A "MICROPENIS" WAS (SEE BELOW). THE WOMAN WHO OWNED THE BOOK CELLAR, SUZIE T, WAS REALLY NICE. I WAS WEARING A BACKPACK. SHE CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, "WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PUT YOUR BAG IN THE BACK." I WAS CONFUSED AND I THINK I LOOKED DEFENSIVE LIKE A HOMELESS MAN WITH HIS SHOPPING CART. SHE ASKED ME IF I WANTED SOMETHING TO DRINK AND I ASKED FOR WATER. I OFFERED TO GO GET IT MYSELF AND SHE LAUGHED AT ME. AROUND THIS TIME I BEGAN ASKING FOR THE BATHROOM KEY EVERY FIFTEEN MINUTES TO PISS OUT THE BEER AND THE WATER. THE GIRL AT THE FRONT DESK EVENTUALLY JUST HANDED ME THE KEY WHENEVER I CAME UP TO HER. BEN READ FIRST. HE DID GOOD. THEN AMY READ. IT WAS GOOD. I DIDN'T SEE THE END BECAUSE I WAS PISSING. WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE BATHROOM, THEY HAD ALREADY CALLED ME UP TO READ. I WENT TO THE FRONT AND SAID SOMETHING LIKE, "I'D LIKE TO THANK THE BOOK CELLAR FOR THE GLASS OF WATER." THEN I READ THE LONGEST THING IN CLONE. I DON'T THINK I LOOKED UP ONCE, OR WAIT, I DID, BUT IT WAS TO CLARIFY THAT BY THE SEARS TOWER, I MEANT THE WILLIS TOWER, WHICH IS WHAT IT'S CALLED NOW. MY MOUTH WAS TRILL DRY THE WHOLE TIME. I ALMOST CRIED AT A CERTAIN POINT WHEN I REMEMBERED HOW SICK MY GRANDPA IS. AFTER I READ, I SAT DOWN IN THE BACK TO HEAR SCOTT READ. SCOTT WAS AWESOME. HIS BOOK, "STORIES" IS HONESTLY ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS TO COME OUT RECENTLY. AT THE BEGINNING OF ONE OF THE STORIES ABOUT TELEMARKETING HE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL EVER BEEN A TELEMARKETER BUT I KNOW I HAVE." EVERYBODY LAUGHED. PEOPLE WERE FUCKING LAUGHING HARD DURING HIS STORIES. IT MADE ME THINK I SHOULD HAVE READ SOMETHING FUNNY. IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS READING, I FELT A TAP ON MY SHOULDER. I TURNED AND THIS OLDER WOMAN, WITH A PRETTY ACCENT (SPANISH OR ITALIAN) ASKED ME WHERE THE THING I READ WAS FROM. I HELD UP MY ONLY COPY OF CLONE. SHE ASKED HOW MUCH AND I JUST GAVE IT TO HER. SHE SAID, "MY SON WILL LOVE THIS." THEN SHE HAD ME SIGN AND DATE IT FOR HER SON, WHO WAS NAMED "JOHN HENRY." AFTER SCOTT READ, WE ALL WENT BACK TO THE GERMAN RESTAURANT. "GERMAN MUTATED LARRY BIRD GUY" WAS OUT FRONT AND I ASKED HIM WHERE AN ATM WAS. HE POINTED ACROSS THE STREET AND SAID, "DEY ISS WON OVAH DEIR." I SAID THANKS AND HE SAID, "I LIKE YO AIR-COT." HE POINTED TO MY HEAD. I SAID, "OH THANKS DUDE." AT THE ATM, ANOTHER MAN WAS NEXT TO ME, AND HE WAS ARGUING WITH THE ATM MACHINE LIKE IT WAS A HUMAN. WE WENT BACK TO THE GERMAN RESTAURANT AND DRANK MORE. AMY GUTH TALKED ABOUT THE CONDITION "MICRO PENIS" AND THEN PASSED HER IPHONE AROUND TO SHOW US A PICTURE. IT MADE ME FEEL REALLY GOOD. THEN BEN TANZER TALKED ABOUT "DONALD KENDRICK" WHO WAS A GUY ON THE WRESTLING TEAM AT HIS SCHOOL WHO HAD THE BIGGEST DICK EVER. I COULDN'T STOP STARING AT A REALLY OLD COUPLE TEARING SHIT UP ON THE DANCE FLOOR. THEN A BUNCH OF FRAT-TYPE PEOPLE CAME IN AND STARTED YELLING, "DAS BOOT." THEN THEY STARTED DRINKING BEER OUT OF A HUGE GLASS BOOT. THEY POINTED AT ME AND YELLED, "DAS BOOT." THEN THEY HANDED ME THE BOOT AND I DRANK FROM IT AND PASSED IT AROUND THE TABLE. LATER, ANOTHER DUDE PASSED ME HIS BOOT AND I KILLED A LOT OF IT. I FINISHED IT. THEN HE WENT OVER TO HIS FRIEND AND SAID, "DUDE I DRANK THE WHOLE THING MYSELF" EVEN THOUGH I HAD MANY WITNESSES THAT COULD STATE OTHERWISE. I SAID GOODBYE TO EVERYONE AND PISSED BEHIND A DUMPSTER. I HAD TO PISS SO BAD I ACTUALLY COULDN'T WALK STANDING STRAIGHT UP. I TOOK THE TRAIN HOME AND ATE A BUNCH OF HOT POCKETS AND FELL ASLEEP WATCHING "BIG FAT LIAR" ON TBS. GOOD SHIT.

23.7.09

A MINIVAN FULL OF ANGRY HETEROSEXUALS WITH CROOKED TEETH AND EVEN MORE CROOKED WAYS OF GETTING REVENGE

Gene Morgan, texan and father of two, posted a poem of mine on his twitter press. it's fifty really short pages of lines i cut and pasted from emails. it is called:

A MINIVAN FULL OF ANGRY HETEROSEXUALS WITH CROOKED TEETH AND EVEN MORE CROOKED WAYS OF GETTING REVENGE

also, andy riverbed, puerto rican, and father of the sea, has posted a translation of SEVEN VERSIONS OF THE SAME VERSION (scroll down).

the original version is at NO POSIT, and in I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT, the wackiest, zaniest, most latently communistic book out there! available from PAPERHERO PRESS now now now!

and don't forget this shit:

Friday, July 24, 2009
Scott McClanahan, Ben Tanzer, Amy Guth & Sam Pink

Join us for a reading with some excellent authors! Tonight's lineup includes Scott McClanahan, author of the short story collection (STORIES), Amy Guth (Three Fallen Women), Sam Pink (I Am Going to Clone Myself Then Kill the Clone and Eat It), and Ben Tanzer (Lucky Man).

Start time: Friday, July 24, 2009 At 07:00 PM

come see me sweep the floor when everyone leaves, and then get paid with a free coffee drink from the dunkin donuts across the street, then walk home alone.

good interview with blake here as well.

22.7.09

THERE"S A MOSQUITO BITE ON MY CHEEK AND IT LOOKS RIDICULOUS

some stuff:

GUSTAF 3 will be out soon. i have two poems from FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO in it and a play from THE SELF ESTEEM HOLOCAUST COMES HOME. the cover looks a melted clown face. or wait no, like someone vomited gummy worms. i imagine the whole staff from gustaf doesn't wear underwear.

i am doing a thing with gene morgan on his twitter press. it's a poem called A MINIVAN FULL OF ANGRY HETEROSEXUALS WITH CROOKED TEETH AND EVEN MORE CROOKED WAYS OF GETTING REVENGE. it's a long poem, composed of lines i took from my emails. coincidentally, blake butler just published something similar, but with gchat lines here.

lastly, i am editing a poem to be hopefully used by PANGUR BAN PARTY. the poem is called BERNHARD GOETZ. it is two poems i cut from FROWNS mixed with other new material. it's more of a line by line kind of poem than a complete poem. you fucking bitch. i drew a picture of bernhard goetz that i will post soon.

i'm reading NAKED LUNCH again.

my ear is infected again.

i am wearing umbros. remember those?

20.7.09

i thought i was having a heart attack yesterday and it seemed really peaceful

i'm reading this weekend. here's the shit from the book cellar website:

Friday, July 24, 2009
Scott McClanahan, Ben Tanzer, Amy Guth & Sam Pink

Join us for a reading with some excellent authors! Tonight's lineup includes Scott McClanahan, author of the short story collection, Amy Guth (Three Fallen Women), Sam Pink (I Am Going to Clone Myself Then Kill the Clone and Eat It), and Ben Tanzer (Lucky Man).

Start time: Friday, July 24, 2009 At 07:00 PM


i don't know what i am going to read. i heard the book cellar will be serving balls of duct tape for hors d ouevres.

16.7.09

I HOPE EVERYONE IN YOUR FAMILY DIES PAINFULLY

I ALSO HOPE EVERYONE IS HAVING A RAD SUMMER!



I'M 26



I DON'T HAVE A JOB



I HAVE HIV MONSTERS IN MY EYES



MORE THAN ONE PERSON HAS TOLD ME RECENTLY I AM A DISAPPOINTMENT

I'M NOT MISOGYNISTIC

so fuck you

4.7.09

OCHO 25

OCHO 25 is here and it is edited by blake.

there's a shitload of good writers in it. i have two poems in it. one from CLONE, called PUBIC HAIR THAT IS HARD WITH BLOOD, and one from FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO, called I SAW A DEAD BODY ON THE CORNER OF ROOSEVELT AND ASHLAND (16 VERSIONS).