25.7.09

READING AT THE BOOK CELLAR

UPDATE: PICTURES FROM THE READING.

READ A REVIEW OF "I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT" IN CHICAGO'S "NEW CITY" MAGAZINE. I AM NOW FAMOUS. I WILL BE BUYING A SCARF AND RIDING AN OLD SCHWINN AROUND THE CITY SOON. I READ ON FRIDAY NIGHT WITH SCOTT MCCLANAHAN, BEN TANZER AND AMY GUTH. THE READING WAS FUN. WHEN I FIRST GOT TO THE BOOK CELLAR, SCOTT MCCLANAHAN WAS THERE AND HE SHOOK MY HAND. HE WAS WEARING A SUIT THAT WE LATER DETERMINED WAS "HALF SLEEZE, HALF BUSINESS." WE WENT TO A GERMAN RESTAURANT NEXT DOOR AND DRANK "BLACK BEER (SCHWARTZBIER)." SCOTT SWEET-TALKED THE WAITRESS. SHE WAS PROBABLY SEVENTY. SCOTT SAID HE NEEDED A "CHICAGO MOMMA." WE DRANK AND LISTENED TO A LIVE POLKA BAND FUCKING SHRED SHIT UP. ONE OF THE DUDES IN THE POLKA BAND, WE DETERMINED, LOOKED LIKE, "LARRY BIRD AFTER INGESTING SOME SORT OF SUPER-GENETIC OOZE, A LA SUPERSHREDDER IN TURTLES 2." PEOPLE DANCED TO THE POLKA MUSIC. WE LEFT AND WENT NEXT DOOR TO THE BOOK CELLAR. THE BOOK CELLAR WAS NICE. I MET BEN TANZER AND HIS MOTHER. I ALSO MET AMY GUTH. AMY GUT LATER TAUGHT ME WHAT A "MICROPENIS" WAS (SEE BELOW). THE WOMAN WHO OWNED THE BOOK CELLAR, SUZIE T, WAS REALLY NICE. I WAS WEARING A BACKPACK. SHE CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, "WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PUT YOUR BAG IN THE BACK." I WAS CONFUSED AND I THINK I LOOKED DEFENSIVE LIKE A HOMELESS MAN WITH HIS SHOPPING CART. SHE ASKED ME IF I WANTED SOMETHING TO DRINK AND I ASKED FOR WATER. I OFFERED TO GO GET IT MYSELF AND SHE LAUGHED AT ME. AROUND THIS TIME I BEGAN ASKING FOR THE BATHROOM KEY EVERY FIFTEEN MINUTES TO PISS OUT THE BEER AND THE WATER. THE GIRL AT THE FRONT DESK EVENTUALLY JUST HANDED ME THE KEY WHENEVER I CAME UP TO HER. BEN READ FIRST. HE DID GOOD. THEN AMY READ. IT WAS GOOD. I DIDN'T SEE THE END BECAUSE I WAS PISSING. WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE BATHROOM, THEY HAD ALREADY CALLED ME UP TO READ. I WENT TO THE FRONT AND SAID SOMETHING LIKE, "I'D LIKE TO THANK THE BOOK CELLAR FOR THE GLASS OF WATER." THEN I READ THE LONGEST THING IN CLONE. I DON'T THINK I LOOKED UP ONCE, OR WAIT, I DID, BUT IT WAS TO CLARIFY THAT BY THE SEARS TOWER, I MEANT THE WILLIS TOWER, WHICH IS WHAT IT'S CALLED NOW. MY MOUTH WAS TRILL DRY THE WHOLE TIME. I ALMOST CRIED AT A CERTAIN POINT WHEN I REMEMBERED HOW SICK MY GRANDPA IS. AFTER I READ, I SAT DOWN IN THE BACK TO HEAR SCOTT READ. SCOTT WAS AWESOME. HIS BOOK, "STORIES" IS HONESTLY ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS TO COME OUT RECENTLY. AT THE BEGINNING OF ONE OF THE STORIES ABOUT TELEMARKETING HE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL EVER BEEN A TELEMARKETER BUT I KNOW I HAVE." EVERYBODY LAUGHED. PEOPLE WERE FUCKING LAUGHING HARD DURING HIS STORIES. IT MADE ME THINK I SHOULD HAVE READ SOMETHING FUNNY. IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS READING, I FELT A TAP ON MY SHOULDER. I TURNED AND THIS OLDER WOMAN, WITH A PRETTY ACCENT (SPANISH OR ITALIAN) ASKED ME WHERE THE THING I READ WAS FROM. I HELD UP MY ONLY COPY OF CLONE. SHE ASKED HOW MUCH AND I JUST GAVE IT TO HER. SHE SAID, "MY SON WILL LOVE THIS." THEN SHE HAD ME SIGN AND DATE IT FOR HER SON, WHO WAS NAMED "JOHN HENRY." AFTER SCOTT READ, WE ALL WENT BACK TO THE GERMAN RESTAURANT. "GERMAN MUTATED LARRY BIRD GUY" WAS OUT FRONT AND I ASKED HIM WHERE AN ATM WAS. HE POINTED ACROSS THE STREET AND SAID, "DEY ISS WON OVAH DEIR." I SAID THANKS AND HE SAID, "I LIKE YO AIR-COT." HE POINTED TO MY HEAD. I SAID, "OH THANKS DUDE." AT THE ATM, ANOTHER MAN WAS NEXT TO ME, AND HE WAS ARGUING WITH THE ATM MACHINE LIKE IT WAS A HUMAN. WE WENT BACK TO THE GERMAN RESTAURANT AND DRANK MORE. AMY GUTH TALKED ABOUT THE CONDITION "MICRO PENIS" AND THEN PASSED HER IPHONE AROUND TO SHOW US A PICTURE. IT MADE ME FEEL REALLY GOOD. THEN BEN TANZER TALKED ABOUT "DONALD KENDRICK" WHO WAS A GUY ON THE WRESTLING TEAM AT HIS SCHOOL WHO HAD THE BIGGEST DICK EVER. I COULDN'T STOP STARING AT A REALLY OLD COUPLE TEARING SHIT UP ON THE DANCE FLOOR. THEN A BUNCH OF FRAT-TYPE PEOPLE CAME IN AND STARTED YELLING, "DAS BOOT." THEN THEY STARTED DRINKING BEER OUT OF A HUGE GLASS BOOT. THEY POINTED AT ME AND YELLED, "DAS BOOT." THEN THEY HANDED ME THE BOOT AND I DRANK FROM IT AND PASSED IT AROUND THE TABLE. LATER, ANOTHER DUDE PASSED ME HIS BOOT AND I KILLED A LOT OF IT. I FINISHED IT. THEN HE WENT OVER TO HIS FRIEND AND SAID, "DUDE I DRANK THE WHOLE THING MYSELF" EVEN THOUGH I HAD MANY WITNESSES THAT COULD STATE OTHERWISE. I SAID GOODBYE TO EVERYONE AND PISSED BEHIND A DUMPSTER. I HAD TO PISS SO BAD I ACTUALLY COULDN'T WALK STANDING STRAIGHT UP. I TOOK THE TRAIN HOME AND ATE A BUNCH OF HOT POCKETS AND FELL ASLEEP WATCHING "BIG FAT LIAR" ON TBS. GOOD SHIT.