this is the third installment of the "tutorial/picture essay" feature here.

the first installment: "How To Make Yourself Into A Blanket And Help Others" is here (part 1), here (part 2) and here (part 3).

the second installment "Ear Sizzles" is HERE.

i advise you to re-read these installments to be better prepared for this one. i got the idea for this installment a week ago. me and scott mcclanahan were drinking beer in an alley before our reading. we went to a 7-11 to get a brown paper bag for scott and i used the black plastic bag that came with the six pack. it was then i realized that a great lie had controlled my life up until that point. for it was then that i realized the brown paper bag is not the best way to drink in public, but rather, the black plastic bag is superior. i present the following tutorial on how to use a black plastic bag for more comfortable public drinking. beneath this post is a post that summarizes this post. thank you.

we've long been accustomed to using the brown paper bag to conceal the alcohol. and while its smell as a bag is superior to all others, it does have a unique flaw: a wet bottom can give way and leave you stranded.

as such, i began to conceive a new approach.

placing the beer into the bag, you will want to wrap the handles around the mouth of the beer can, snugly.

good, you're getting it! now, to finish off the apparatus, simply knot the handles, leaving a loop (thumb caddy) for easy manageability.

you've now taken a step towards evolving your life. below, please find a summary.




1: CLONE is not on back-order any more.

2: i'm reading at the quickies reading on may 11th at "inner town pub" here in chicago.

3: order FROWNS.

4: who wins when you play hide and go seek with everyone else but you don't tell anyone.

who wins is everyone.

5: if you live in chicago and want to be my girlfriend, email me. i'll draw you pictures.

6: i'm reading "an island of fifty" by ben brooks and i like it.

7: i'm sorry if this blog sucks.



you can buy FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO off the publisher now, with free shipping. someone just told me amazon won't mail things to new zealand. fuck amazon.



i have five copies of FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO, to sell. i need to sell them and not just give them away like usual, because i owe money for them. if you want to buy one for like, ten or twelve dollars, email me.


i will write something in them or make a bookmark for you to justify spending the money.

so, in conclusion, if you won't buy something off amazon because amazon is evil or whatever, then email me. also, if you would rather buy them off me, i will just keep ordering them to sell.

buy FROWNS from amazon


also, this sunday i am reading here in chicago at a bar called "the whistler." scott mc clanahan (mickey c) will also be reading. if you'd like to see one average reader (me) and one actually talented reader (scott) then come to the whistler. i am going to try to wear a confirmation robe i got a while ago from a friend, if i can find it.

here are two journals that are out now that have some of my writing in them:





you can buy FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO now.


if you're a fan of good-ass shit, this is the book for you.

much like the second coming of christ on easter, this book will make you feel bad about yourself.

it doesn't cost 20 dollars on amazon like the other book. it only costs 10. you can buy it from the publisher or me at some point in the near future.

frowns is a collection of lines i wrote from 2007-2009. it's not the same book i posted a year ago. it has some of the same material though, and it also has what little remains from the chapbook "yum yum i can't wait to die."

i'm not sure what to say about the book. to me, it's my favorite thing that i've done. if you buy it, i hope you like it.

journalists are calling this new genre "schiz-emo."

also, poems in this book have been published by journals affiliated with colleges. which means they are automatically good.

i'm not sure what else to say. i'm bad at promotion. if you have ten dollars and you want to see some good-ass shit then throw down. if you hate my shit but want to give me another chance, then throw down.

part of me wonders what now-dead wwf wrestler "typhoon" has to say (pictured here as "tugboat"):

here is a book trailer i made with socrates adams florou. the video stars lake michigan.