i was in the stockroom with my co-worker, enrique, when two higher-up bosses who work in the store came through the swinging doors and into the stockroom. one of them put her hands up to her face and the other one stood by with her hand on the first woman's shoulder.

i said, "are you ok."

the one with her hands over her face took her hands down and her eyes were red and teary.

the other woman said, "we just saw a little girl shit her pants and the aunt didn't do anything. she was just like, 'come on' and pulled her arm."

the crying woman said, "the only thing the little girl said was, 'my mom is going to whoop me now.'"

i just stood there. it seemed like i was about to respond with sympathy but then i realized it would be fake. so i didn't say anything. the whole thing seemed really fake, except for deciding not to say anything.


the crying woman said, "the only thing the little girl said was, 'my mom is going to whoop me now.'"

i felt like i should say something sympathetic but then that seemed fake and i didn't really care so i didn't say anything.

i looked at enrique. i put my hand on his shoulder and said, "when enrique shits his pants i always help him clean it."

then enrique and i walked out of the stockroom and one of the women said, "bye guys." and i felt good because i knew i was a piece of shit but i was a piece of shit who was not trying to be anything else and it made me happy.


the crying woman said, "the only thing the little girl said was, 'my mom is going to whoop me now.'"

then they both stood there looking at me like i had to respond.

i said, "you're both just upset because you wanted to feel upset about something. many other things are bothering you, things about yourselves that you know you can change, but you ignore them, and you decided to let this bother you and be something you could get upset about because it seems right. you're both selfish. there are a million other mistreated kids and you don't give a fuck because you don't see it. so you're just being upset because you're both fake assholes who have gotten so used to being fake assholes that you've been promoted for it. everyone gets mistreated. it doesn't matter. everyone who works here is mistreated. i'm mistreated. you gave me a seventeen cent raise after working her for a year. you get paid more money if i work harder, but i dont get paid more money if i work harder. you give me shit for being late. you try to make me feel guilty for dumb shit but it's only because you want the store to be more appealing to other fake assholes who spend their money here on useless shit. if i shit my pants, you'd fire me. you'd have me escorted out. two months ago there was a homeless man in the store eating some pizza he bought from the store and he shit himself in the cafe area and you had him escorted out, then everyone laughed about the story when security told you about it. fuck you both. i hope you die on the way home. i hope a homeless man shits in your mouths after you become corpses. i hope you decay on the sidewalk, as a pigeon eats your fucking face off. i'm going on my fifteen minute break now."


Anonymous said...

that was one of the best things you've ever written dude.

- swazzy

sam pink said...

that you, swazzy sway?

Cassandra Troyan said...


The Igloo Oven said...

I'm wondering if the little girl ate the pizza there too, might be a pants shitting trend.

The ending to version 2 was nice. It made me happy.

lola pistola. said...


Jackson Nieuwland said...

what if your mum went to smack you but you shat on her hand?

Nathan DePriest said...

everyone in the store should just shit inside the circular racks of clothes where you're supposed to

Jordan Castro said...

fake ass bitches

mallory said...

good job

Walt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
walter said...

i liked the part about shitting

'The ghost with the most' said...

This inspires me a lot. Thank you for writing it. Things like this tell me it's ok