king cobra ep, 2013

i'm willing to trade this poster [7' by 7'] for money or drugs.

i'm also willing to put it in a drawer and leave it there.


ey, if you know how to edit video, email me, you stinkin ape.



life sucks dick.

i'm giving up.

i have a few drawings left if anyone wants them and i think there's another book coming out this year called "rontel".

other than that i'm giving up.

being  a sad nobody is funny and interesting at first and then you realize how true it is and there is nothing to do every day and you just feel terrible.

i advise people to do something.

pursue a career.

buy a house.

have a favorite sports team.

become a priest.

get married young/have kids young.

i think i'm going to volunteer/hopefully get a job at a nursing home here.

i'm sick of everything.

i'm so sick of everything i feel like saying "sick of [something]" actually has meaning.

there's nothing to discover about yourself when you're a bi polar piece of shit.

i hate chicago.

i hate my generation.

i hate the little gangbangers who throw rocks at me then run when i try to catch/kill them

what am i going to do for the next one to forty years.

being on tour made me realize there are good people but that good people are destined to suffer alone and without help.

scott, megan, mike, jordan and mallory and everyone who was nice on the tour, they are all good people.

kind of seems funny that all of us probably started writing things as a joke/just for fun and then all of a sudden there were good people coming into our lives and things seemed meaningful, and if anyone i just listed is like me, then they don't know what to do when something good happens.

i lost my pants the first night in columbus and then zachary wood gave me a pair in kentucky and i wore them the rest of the tour and they were fine and then ten minutes after i got home, i bent down to untie my boots and the pants ripped and my balls sort of fell out of the rip (not like, fell out completely, just the ballsack came out).

here's a funny tour story:  in columbus i was nodding off badly before the reading and when i read i could barely stay awake and i think i was slowly falling forward the whole time and then when i was done reading i went to find the bathroom so i could puke and right before i got to the bathroom i puked into my balled hand and held it against my face and then the person in the bathroom came out and the puke was coming out of my hand and i made eye contact with the person and raised my eyebrows twice before going into the bathroom to puke more.

not sure what i'm trying to say.

feel like i'm always trying to get people and myself to udnerstand one thing.

like there is only one thing about life you have to understand.

buit then i think about how there's not

there's a lot of small things, like: "if i see someone walking in the alley outside my window should i say hi or not." 

and then the small things build up big things you think are big and those big things do damage to you and however you react to the damage is the most important thing.

keep imagining my heart getting ripped out by someone and every time someoe tries to rip it out again it's only a smaller, less developed version of the first heart and there's bruising around the edges of the rip-hole but that just turns into harder skin and pretty soon the rip-hole is the exact size and shape of any hand that could go in and i'm just standing there saying, "go in, go in."

just remembered finding mallory asleep on the couch one of the nights on tour and i walked up and put my hand on her shoulder and kissed the top of her head.

not sure why i did that.

i felt like for a minute i was an angel protecting her.

what is wrong with me. 

but yeah, fuck this i'm giving up.

email me if you want anything like an interview or something.   sampinkisalive@gmail.com

i'll be around chicago if you want me to draw you something or just hang out with me/do drugs/whatever you want.

have a life.


come see us read tomorrow in columbus ohio. 

skylab gallery, 11pm. 

we're the bright future of american literature. 

i heard there will be chips. 



9/27  columbus ohio  at the skylab gallery  11pm
9/28  louisville kentucky  at second story books 7pm
9/29  indianapolis indiana   at indy reads books  7pm
9/30  chicago illinois  at 1925 n whipple  7pm


also, here's a video of paul williams.  he was a boxer who recently got into a motorcycle accident that left him paralyzed.  felt really emotional watching this video.  


have another fucking ear infection.

can't hear out of my left ear.

only ringing.

feel like hearing isn't going to return this time.

if you have amoxicillin (sp?) and would like to trade it for something:   sampinkisalive@gmail.com

if you have amoxicillin (sp?) and wouldn't like to trade it, i understand, but fuck you.

(just thought about how it'd be funny if someone in chicago emailed me that they wanted to trade amoxicillin (sp?) then met up with me and went to hand it to me then let it slip from their fingers into a gutter, saying "ooops" in an exaggerated way, smiling with their eyebrows raised.)

also, the lyrics are up at the young family bandcamp page. 


this is an email review of NO ONE CAN DO ANYTHING WORSE TO YOU THAN YOU CAN, by steve anwyll. 

when i read my copy of no one can do anything worse to you than you can it makes me feel terrible. i don't mean that when i read it the words invoke bad 'feelings' inside of me, but that it physically makes me feel gross.

it's something about the cover. certain cats, when i pet them, seem to suck all the moisture out of my hands and naturally leave a bad taste in my mouth. the cover of the aforementioned book has the same effect. it makes for a hard time reading it. i am unsure of how to grasp it.

thought you'd like to know that your book is causing someone physical discomfort.

i'm going to have to check amazon for some reading mittens.


Boxer Carmen Basilio Sitting in His Room after Winning a Fight Premium Photographic Print


5 things

1.  i'll openly endorse anyone who writes a book/chapbook/whatever that's titled "i hate my generation."

2.  been thinking, "control your bitch" (as myself addressing myself) when i'm out walking/doing whatever.

3.  i'll clean apartments in chicago for money or food.

4.  mike kleine wrote mastodon farm and it's out today.  

5.  i'm interested in writing a television show where, it's like macguyver, except the macguyver-type character is always thwarting the Latin Kings, and the macguyver-type character can do/solve almost everything except s/he can't fight that well and s/he gets beat up at least once in every episode.  


i'm selling all the drawings/paintings i have for 35 dollars each (plus shipping if you live outside the united states).  the drawings are all really nice.  sampinkisalive@gmail.com


got a public drinking ticket while getting drunk with a group of homeless guys last night.

we talked about mortal kombat and what we'd do if we were on the planes during 9/11.

if anyone wants to buy drawings/whatever, email me   sampinkisalive@gmail.com

need money to pay off this bitch ass ticket.

willing to sell drawings for cheap cheap cheap (hear those little bird savings, cheap cheap cheap!)

also willing to do packages.

such as "the rontel package" (includes cover art for forthcoming novel "rontel" as well as pdf of almost finalized novel, as well as the skull of my cat rontel, jk! except for eveerything before the skull thing)

the "pdf" package, (includes pdfs of all my books, including "rontel")

the hand written package (where i handwrite one of my books in its entirety)

the "blood package" (where you can specify an amount of blood you'd like to drink out of me)

the chi-city package (where i take you on a guided tour of my fav chitown spots, and then wash your car in short shorts/no shirt)

the "hitman" package (where, no questions asked, you give me a target and i "do the business')

the "phone buddy" package where i borrow someone's phone and call you up every night for a week and we talk

the "i'll convert to any religion" package (you pick it, i stick with it!)

or anything else!  

broke/going nowhere/washed up/chicago bum


is there any way to get a recording of the guy from mortal kombat saying "finish him" every time someone enters this website. 


RONTEL (a novel)


CHICAGO, IL. (always ever all days death before dishonor)


here's a drawing.  it's 11 by 18.


i have some writing in this bmx magazine.
does anyone outside of chicago use either of these phrases to mean "get beat up"

1. getting tuned-up

2. beat the brakes off him/her


science fiction book about a guy who finds himself detached from life and doesn't technically exist anymore but can't die until he erases all evidence he ever existed.  climax scene where he goes back in time to his childhood and tries to bleach the fingerprints off his childhood toys then becomes angered he can't bleach his reflection off the toy and he keeps trying to bleach his reflection off but he can't and then he just lies on the floor screaming and trying to catch the screams to erase them too but they gel together to form himself as a child again and he has to live his life again and he never dies.   title: Autobiography



FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO is in print again, sucka.  this edition is different from the last one.  the poems are more edited and there's an introduction by hollywood shitstain jereme dean. also, this is the book "love story" is from, which muhfuckas seem to like.  hopefully this book moves me closer to one of my two goals.  my first goal is to have my picture in a magazine, where i'm standing in front of a crowd and i'm shirtless, screaming into a microphone that i hold up to my mouth with my arm at a right angle.  my second goal is to be killed by someone at a reading, preferably female and preferably with a knife in the chest.  then as i fall i'll say, "nice work, sucka." 


good job mallory on the flyer


three things

1. had a dream andrew weatherhead and i were taking turns sledding down a small rocky hill on a fastfood bag. 

2. also, jumping off a building seems attractive to me right now.   jumping off a building:  this fall's hot new way to die?  

3. yesterday i unselfconsciously used the phrase "hey, what the" when i found a shirt i'd forgotten about.  


i have to buy a train ticket for the tour next month. if anyone wants to buy drawings or whatever, email me.  i'm trying to raise money.  sampinkisalive@gmail.com
kelly schirmann and i made four songs.  she's the singer.  i think we're going to put up a bandcamp but if anyone wants to help make physical copies, or knows what to do, let me know and i'll send you the songs.




when someone's talking to you, after a little bit, grab his/her shoulder and say, "well, those are some interesting thoughts on [whatever person was talking about]."


movie called "security deposit" where it's about some people trying to make sure they get their security deposit back from an "evil" landlord.


i was interviewed

glad to see the bathtub photos hitting the mainstream 

also, here are the dates, locations, people, and times for the readings in september

9.27.12 | Columbus, OH | READING / THE OHIOANS @ Skylab Gallery | 11PM | w/ Sam Pink, Scott McClanahan, Jordan Castro, Mallory Whitten, James Payne

9.28.12 | Louisville, KY @ Second Story Books | w/ Sam Pink, Scott McClanahan, Jordan Castro, Mallory Whitten

9.29.12 | Indianapolis, IN | READING @ Indy Reads Books | w/ Sam Pink, Scott McClanahan, , Jordan Castro, Mallory Whitten, Amber Sparks, Sal Pane, Bryan Furuness

9.30.12 | Chicago, IL | READING @ 1925 N. Whipple St. | 7PM | w/ Sam Pink, Scott McClanahan, Jordan Castro, Mallory Whitten, Andrew Colville, Evan Swenson



here's a one star review of "you hear ambulance sounds and think they are for you." 

"This book was not at all what I expected. It was recommended as I searched for books related to depression and anxiety... not sure what the connection could have been for this particular recommendation. It was a series of disconnected, random statements organized in chapters. I also could have done without the occasional obscenities. I was disappointed."
just recently heard the song "hard in da paint" for the first time.

i like it except for the end where he keeps going "waka, waka flocka etc."

sometimes right before i take a sip of coffee, i hear the part of the song where before the beat drops he says "i go hard in motherfucking puh puh puh paint..." then i sip the coffee. 

there's a guy in the tunnel between the red line and blue line here in chicago that sets up a big keyboard everyday and plays beats like the one in "hard in da paint."  he just stands there making beats with a cigarette in his mouth.  we always make eye contact and do a little nod. 

also, usually before a reading, in my head i hear "claim my shit"  by l.e.p. bogus boys.  here is that song:

like i'll be at the bar getting water and i'll be saying "thank you" to the bartender, but i'm hearing "i wish you would try to claim my shit." 

sept 27:  columbus, ohio
sept 28: louisville, kentucky
sept 29: indianapolis, indiana
sept 30: chicago, illinois


deeply troubled

here is a review of "clone"  and "the collected works of scott mc clanahan."  

also, had an idea for a feminine napkin commercial where it starts with a woman holding her stomach and the narrator says, "You know the feeling..." and then they zoom in on the woman's stomach and inside, a little shapeless object in army clothing stands at attention and salutes and says, "Major Cramps reporting for duty sir."

lastly, i feel like a good ending to a short story/novel/anything would be  "...and then everything else that ever happens, happens." 


FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO will be out again soon. 

sept 27th-30th i'll be reading in ohio, kentucky, indiana and chicago, with scott mc clanahan and jordan castro. 

if anyone wants to buy drawings off me, email me   sampinkisalive@gmail.com     all the drawings two posts below this one are for sale.  RENT MONEY

just turned my head and looked out the window and stared for almost a minute. 

heard more gunshots by my place last night than i've heard all other nights combined. 

this summer i had food poisoning, sun poisoning and poison ivy.  just thought, "yeah now how about some REAL poison, son." 

have a nice day everyone. 


just imagined middle-aged "cool guy" named gene walking into a party and saying, "you hear they found the gene for alcoholism" and points both thumbs at himself. 



jereme dean reminded me about corrales vs castillo.  this is the last round of a fucking sweet ass fight. 


i just got a copy of the new I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CLONE AND EAT IT.   it looks really nice. 


i wrote two things.

one is a novel called RONTEL.  it takes place in a 36 hour period.  it's an odyssey.  preview:  another book about being a grown up with mental problems in chicago.  perhaps evidence the author is washed up?  just saying.   

the other is a collection of really short stories/"flash" fiction. it's called GERALD MC CLELLAN VS NIGEL BENN, i think.  i'm going to publish it myself.  i'm going to print it out and bind it.  it'll only be available through me.  preview:  it's not that good!    no i'm kidding.  it's decent.    

i have a lot of drawings to scan and post too.

if anyone knows of any dishwashing jobs in chicago, email me    sampinkisalive@gmail.com 

if anyone in chicago wants me to clean their apartment wearing some kind of costume, i'll do that too.

roy jones jr and floyd mayweather jr are the only two boxers in compubox history to go an entire round without getting hit.


sometimes the only thing to say is, "dag, jo." 


thanks to everyone who has helped me or been nice and thanks to everyone who hasn't done either of those things.

i apologize if i've done anything you thought was impolite or insensitive. 

i'm not a reliable, courteous, or considerate/sensitive person.

i'm a much bigger piece of shit/depressed asshole/hopeless retard in "real life." 

feel very willing to let anybody harm me right now. 

like it's the only thing that will make me feel comfortable. 

i have no look on my face. 

sometimes i want to help people but then i realize there's nothing about me that would help anyone.

keep thinking, "take chicago off the map, take illinois off the map, take the u.s. off the map, take myself off the map."

now feel much more angry than when i started typing this.  
no feelings. 

sometimes i just smile and think "it gets worse."

'frowns need friends too' will be out soon.  

jereme dean wrote the introduction. 

i have some new drawings too. 

no feelings. 


paralyzing depression. 

i keep thinking, "let me show you how a real man endures paralyzing depression."  

if anyone has tried to contact me via my shitty prepaid phone, i don't have it anymore.  i threw it against the ground the other day. 

i'm unable to get far in life because i can't make small talk and i don't positively encourage people.  also, i look mean.

also, fuck logan square.

had a thought about suicide the other day.  it was something like, "suicide is only bad ass if you live a perfect life.  if you live a shitty life, it's more bad ass to expose yourself to that shittiness until you die naturally."

i'm writing this at a dunkin donuts where you have to get buzzed in to the bathroom.

i'm willing to fight anyone at my readings from now on.  i'm in good shape.  i have a "six pack."

i just imagined myself grabbing chicago by the edge like a rug and flipping it downward, hard, to get the "dust" off it.

i watched "the last great heavyweight fight" the other day.  it's lamon brewster vs serhei liahkovich.  i read an interview with brewster, and he said in the first round, his left retina came off and "everything looked like a painting" for the rest of the fight.  then i watched nigel benn vs gerald mc clellan.  at the end of the fight, mc clellan takes a knee and gives up, then goes to his corner and collapses and he goes into a coma for eleven days then wakes up blind and mostly deaf.  i felt really sad watching the fight when he takes a knee and just stares at the canvas, blinking.      


i like in the post-fight interview for lewis vs tyson, lennox lewis taps his heart with his glove and says, "can't no one test dis guy."


email me if you live in chicago and have adderall you'd like to trade for drawings/money/my blood. 

remember "huffing"


motherfuckers at staples cut off the sides a little but it's cool. 


was just alerted to a negative review of 'hurt others' on amazon, in which the person says they want their eleven dollars back.  couldn't find an email address but if you are that person and you want your money back, email me and i'll mail you eleven dollars.  not trying to be a dick, just really want to mail the eleven dollars back. 



want to hurt myself in a new and exciting way.  like, not cutting myself, not hitting myself, but something new.  i keep imagining lying on my back and screaming until, from the inside out, i rip into pieces and it hurts really bad.  i've also considered headbutting a wall (but like, knocking on the wall to make sure i hit a crossbeam).  you thought i was going to say "make sure i DON'T hit a crossbeam" didn't you.  haha.  kill you.  i'm going to hit "preview post" now to make sure this looks good.  fuck chicago and fuck everyone here.  


someone should make a "30 likely to die before 30" anthology. 


this was the original cover for "the no hellos diet"
if anyone wants to buy it off me, or any other drawings, i have a lot. 



FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO will be re-released in july at some point.

i edited it again so it's a little different.

i feel pretty good about it after i edited it again. 

but who gives a fucking shit right.

lately when someone does something inconsiderate/whatever, i say, "hey, that really boils my onions."

i feel like people like it when i use that phrase in front of them, sometimes while snapping my fingers when i say it.

also, i seem to be really good at cutting women's hair.

if anyone in chicago needs a haircut, i'll do it for cheap.

i have some new drawings i'm going to post too.



feel like i'm close to just posting a craigslist ad for a free pet then put my picture in the ad and write something like, "this adorable shithead will barely make a sound as he moves closer to death." 


does anyone in chicago have adderall/ritalin they don't want. 

want to spend tomorrow in fierce concentration, so i can finish a book and become one of the fifty best writers in chicago. 

hit my line



i didn't make the "top 50 writers in chicago" list from "new city" magazine. 

i just read it at a pizza place earlier. 

i sat in the chair and carefully read the list, my hand clenching the paper harder and harder as i read on. 

also i'm reading on the twenty sixth at innertown pub. 

if more than fifty people come, i will have sex with everyone in the alley, one at a time.



it's kind of the same book as the one from 2009 but also not.

waaaaaayyyyy better!

comparing the old to the new, it's like going from repeatedly stabbing someone, to just stomping their throat once, y'know! 

shit was taken out.  shit was added.  shit was edited.  new cover!  better thoughts!  horrible violence!  suck my dick!

here's the back copy: 

The Holy Bible of Bad Feelings returns!

Longtime bipolar idiot Sam Pink brings you right back to the beginning with this remastered edition of his first underground hit. Find out why it would be great to get accidentally killed by a bus. Find out how to perform hardcore sex and never have any fun. Find out why it would be better if your mom was a Ugandan hooker. And find out how to fill your mouth with confetti before blowing your own head off.

Because a dead horse isn't ever fully beaten. Because when you get to Hell there will be a seat saved for you. Because you can't afford too many hellos. Because every time you come home, you stand in the door way and think, "It's time for a monster to eat me now." And then a monster eats you!

Be brave enough to read this book.
Be brave enough to clone yourself then kill the clone and eat it.

Lazy Fascist also just published the collected works of scott mcclanahan vol 1.   i wrote an introduction for this book. it's really good.  scott is really good.   

anyway, suck my dick everyone!  if you want me to read somewhere, let me know    sampinkisalive@gmail.com



Hi ,

I found the information on your blog insightful as I was scouring the web for research on graduate-school related topics. Through my research, I noticed that the blogosphere (and organizations such as the Bureau of Labor Statistics) has been talking alot about dentistry's bright future and high rate of growth.

I'd love to write a post for you that perhaps blends this topic with something deeper you are interested in for your blog. How dentistry programs compare to others, innovations and research in dentistry, etc. What do you think? Thanks, and I really look forward to hearing from you.



hey everybody i mailed out shit, so if shit is supposed to come to you, shit is coming.

the shit is coming!


someone wrote a thoughtful, long review of THE NO HELLOS DIET

if you write or have written a review of any books, thanks. 


"--then again, who gives a shit."

is a good thing to add to almost everything you say or think.



i am willing to mail the following books to people for the price of shipping (five dollars) if you write an amazon review for them.

1 copy of person

1 copy of no hellos diet

3 copies of hurt others

3 copies of no one can do anything worse to you than you can

also, if you have a copy of any of these, and you give it to your friend, i will mail you a replacement copy for free.

i invented a new basketball move today, i think. i will draw a diagram soon to explain it later.

also, if anyone in chicago wants to play pick-up soccer games, email me sampinkisalive@gmail.com
also, me and cameron pierce came up with a good novel idea if anyone wants to write it. it's about a "bad boy" dirt bike racer where the race scenes are just novelizations of excitebike (for NES) races.


FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO will be out at the end of the summer, with a bonus introduction written by "hollywood daddy" jereme dean. seems like a lot of people don't like jereme. i feel like if you are not defensive and have a sense of humor, you will like jereme dean as much as i do. he is my favorite person that i've met while "being a writer."

that brings me to my last thing. if there is any magazine out there that would pay me to write an article (one of a kind and extremely long/extensive) about my experience of "being a writer" then email me. sampinkisalive@gmail.com

also, if you mail me drugs, i'll mail you something back. like a drawing or my cat, or maybe even the last ten years of my life (psyche, there's only like five years left anyway!)

 i feel like it's time to really beat the shit out of myself and see what happens.

when i was younger, me and some of the kids i hung out with, would just run and jump face first into big bushes. it was really fun. then one time i overjumped one and landed on my chest and it hurt.

i feel like if someone in chicago is motivated enough, s/he should organize a reading at the end of the summer at lake michigan. we can all go to the beach by lake michigan and read to each other. maybe get in the water.

also, i started a band with kelly schirmann.   it's going to be an electronic pop band.  she is a very talented singer.  and i'm--i have a drum machine.  if anyone has a good band name for this, let me know.  so far i like "strawberry ass." 

my favorite boxer of all time is rocky marciano. he retired 49-0 with 43 knockouts (pretty sure that was it). i like him because he was a good boxer and for other reasons. here are some of the other reasons.

1. he was small. he weighed 188 pounds. today's heavyweights weigh up to like 270 pounds.

2. his style was just to keep punching you everywhere on your body until he could hit you in the face. with one of his opponents, he punched his opponents arms until his opponent couldn't hold them up anymore, then marciano punched him in the face.

3. during one fight, with hall of famer "ezzard charles" (who the character EZZARD in "EZZARD AND FANON" [play from self esteem holocaust] is named after), during that fight, ezzard charles accidentally hit marciano in the nose with his elbow. this caused marciano's nose to split up the middle in a really gruesome way. the ref told marciano between rounds that this was the last round, that he'd stop the fight after this round because of the cut. so marciano went out the next round and knocked out hall of famer ezzard charles and won.

4. he was very polite and nice. before boxing matches they always have "stare downs" where they weigh the fighters then have them face each other, with their faces real close. usually, fighters talk a bunch of shit at this point and try to be tough. i saw a video of marciano at a "staredown" and his opponent was from england. marciano just smiled and shook his hand and said, "how ya doin.  nice to meet you.  i hope you had a nice flight in."


i no longer have a job. if anyone wants me to draw something for them and/or make a book and/or do something for money, email me. sampinkisalive@gmail.com i am also willing to beat someone up for you (within chicago limits, otherwise fare must be provided). also, i know how to paint interiors and exteriors really well. i'm good at manual labor in general. i'm also willing to be a "decoy" date of some kind (ie, for prom, to make someone else jealous, fool your parents, et cetera). the future is now. chi-town where we die town. 773, uptown. who is you. i just want to ball til i fall. i need to keep balling, until i fall down. once i fall, i will know that i have balled enough. what else. i think i can still do a "180 flip" on a skateboard too, if someone wants to pay me to do that. i'm also willing to make t-shirts for people. like, i'll just draw on a t shirt for you. what else. the future is now. what did people think of 'no one can do anything worse to you than you can.' what did people think of cotto/mayweather. i think people should come to chicago for a reading on may 20th and we'll do it downtown during the nato summmit and all the rioting. i want to get gassed then try to keep reading. lastly, does anyone have a link to download the black dice albums "load blown" and "mr impossible"


i posted a new instrumental DEPRESSED WOMAN song. it's called "i'm a fucking baby." feel like it's happy at the beginning then not at the end. after listening, i went to sit down but then i kept falling, because i had shaken my ass clean off, you see.


matt margo translated the poem "apartment" into french


par Sam Pink

Chaque fois que je rentre chez moi je me tiens à la porte et je dis « un monstre me mangera maintenant ».

Puis il le fait.

Quand je vais me coucher et je lève les couvertures, je dis « un monstre me mangera maintenant ».

Puis il le fait.

Chaque fois que je me lève je dis « un monstre me mangera maintenant ».

Puis il le fait.

Chaque fois que je quitte chez moi, je dis « un monstre me mangera maintenant ».

Puis il le fait.


i'm imagining a spaceship captain on a solo mission--entering orbit around my galaxy-sized head--recording this into his/her voice recorder log: "judging by the nature of this new atmosphere, friends can't possibly exist/survive here. preparing to enter: final goal-less orbit."


also i was lying about the movie thing. i thought people would know i was lying when i mentioned "tremors" and "mr belvedere." sorry i lied.



i have a few copies of "no one can do anything worse to you than you can" "hurt others" "person" and "no hellos diet" sampinkisalive@gmail.com

i'll write "you butthole!" in them for you

also, the guy who directed "tremors" is going to make "no hellos" into a movie. s/he told me the main character will be played by the guy who played mr. belvedere.

i'm writing a book called "rontel" right now. it'll probably be real shitty but then i have a feeling the one after that will be good. trust me!

the reissue of "i am going to clone myself then kill the clone and eat it" will be out soon i think.

i think i'm going to start doing portraits. if you want me to make a portrait for you, email me.

i just heard an ice cream truck drive by outside and it made me feel instantly bad for some reason. like i had to take a deep breath from it.

UPDATE: an excerpt from THE NO HELLOS DIET has been posted online.

UPDATE: if anyone needs someone to paint their room/apartment/whatever (like painting it a single color, not designs DUH!) then email me and i'll do it for cheap. i'm quitting my job tomorrow and i like painting walls a lot. (also, you have to live in chicago and buy the paint DUH!)


i'll be at the college of new jersey this saturday. from 7-8 pm i'll be reading/answering questions. i'll bring books and drawings. here is a facebook link.



here is a review of person.

also, i think it's time to cash in on my sex appeal. i feel like from now until roughly three years from now, i will be at my sexiest . if any publication wants pictures of me shirtless (maybe pouring water on my face/chest) now is the time. act now.




FROWNS NEED FRIENDS TOO will be available this summer sometime.

i have four drawings to sell. i will get then scanned soon maybe.

i'm reading at THE COLLEGE OF NEW JERSEY on april 21.


this dude is from chi-town.



i created a bandcamp site for the band i'm in, DEPRESSED WOMAN.

i posted the instrumental versions of six songs i wrote. i'll post the versions with vocals in them and the tracks my boy wes made soon. we haven't recorded vocals yet because we don't have a practice space. if you want to imagine the vocals, just imagine someone yelling over the music.

the six songs are part of an e.p. called LORD, LET THE VIOLENCE RETURN TO CHICAGO.

here are the titles of the six songs and my thoughts on them.


so sweet. honestly feel like i want to cover my fist in cocaine and punch someone in the face to this. also feel like this one is my best chance to sell to fifa sports for big $.


for some reason when i hear this one, i imagine an all black room, with a girl in a bikini dancing, and me dancing behind her. fun fact: this track is named after wes's boss.


seriously fat shit. makes me want to join a gang then once i'm in just immediately kill myself.


listening to it as i type this. this seems like the 'druggiest' of the bunch. again, feel the need to cover my fist in cocaine and punch someone. huh!


some serious club shit. this beast has three testicles and they're coated in cocaine (because i'd previously coated my fist in cocaine and punch the beast's testicles). feel like the end of this song is "beautiful as fuck."


honestly don't know what to say about this. i can see this one played in the background of a WB teen show where someone is confronted with peer pressure to try new drugs. and then i walk in and punch someone with a cocaine coated fist.

(end thoughts on songs)

they're all free to download. they're wav files, which sound good, then you can download them as mp3s, which sound not as good. either way, listen to them with good headphones/speakers, because the bass will kill you. i'm proud of all of them!

depressed woman. 2012. have us play at your apartment/studio/birthday party. it's just me and wes and a fourtrack playing the music while we dance and sing. wes will also wear an all khaki suit and a cowboy hat (he's from texas). we have a big p/a/ system too.



"i am going to clone myself then kill the clone and eat it" will be published in finland at some point in the future.

also, i encourage you to amazon review "no one can do anything worse to you than you can" there is already one review. if you like it, i encourage you to use the phrase "best book of american poety ever." feel like it's true, so it should be spread.

also, if someone is willing to fund it, i will get my cat's name (rontel) tattooed on my neck in cursive lettering.

also, i have a new drawing that i made if anyone wants to buy it. i am trying to raise money to buy new speaker cables.

also, i still have a small amount of the cassette tape "i never liked my dad" if anyone wants one.



there's an anthology online called "horseghost" and it has a lot of good writing in it.

you can see the whole thing here.

my story "love" from "hurt others" is here.




it's four long poems: "the midwest" "you hear ambulance sounds and think they are for you" "human beings are toys" and "a shield made of napkins"

i feel really proud. it took me a long time to write. i feel really good. feel like if i still had the ability to cry, i would've cried while writing it. but i didn't. i just stared at the computer and/or the wall behind the computer. it's probably the greatest book of american poetry ever written. it's a lot better than leaves of grass, i think. anyway, i hope you like it if you buy it, and i hope you think about the book when you read about me being found in pieces in a garbage bag on the side of clark st.


you can listen to one of the readings i did at awp, here at this website.

if anyone recorded the other readings i did, you can like, link them here i think.

here's a link to another one. dj berndt did the video. seems really easy not to like me if you see me in person, based on this video. i don''t know, just got that "i hate this guy" feeling from it.


i'm going to spend time working on writing "person 2" and making music. if anyone wants to buy a book/cassette/art off me email me sampinkisalive@gmail.com

if you know of a practice space i could use and/or want me and my friend wes to play our music for you somewhere, email me.

also, if anyone has a copy of "repo" by the black dice that i could have for free, email me.

i dont feel good.



UPDATE: i'm liveblogging awp events at the muumuu house tumblr.

here are the addresses and times for the next two readings i'm doing.

thursday march 1 9pm

430 N. Michigan Ave, Chicago, IL 60611

saturday march 3

stephen tully dierks's apartment. can't find the address online but maybe he'll comment it here.

also, here is a link to a cassette tape with me reading from different books. it looks nice. there are only fifty copies available. i will be getting twenty i think. if you want to buy one, email me sampinkisalive@gmail.com

also, here is the jacket for a new book i wrote, coming out in a week or two. it's called "no one can do anything worse to you than you can." it's four long poems.



here's a good review of "hurt others"


HURT OTHERS is available on kindle


i'm typing this at a subway, and that song is playing where it's like "i'm more than a man, a phony red [something]...it's not easy..." and i just ate the last bite of my sandwich and i almost cried and then i thought "hey you don't cry anymore because you're a dead shithead."

i'm reading tomorrow night at the empty bottle.



does anyone know of a place me and wes (depressed woman) can practice our music. we are looking to practice somewhere and then start doing shows. if you want to let us practice at your house/practice space and/or want us to play a show for you somewhere, email me sampinkisalive@gmail.com it's like, dance music that you can beat people up to.

anyway, if you see me at awp, don't talk to me.

i'm going to start writing a really long book called "person 2"

also, email or comment some ideas for articles for BULK CULTURE. i'm just going to do "thoughts on [x]" articles. the only ideas i have right now are "thoughts on not-talking/silence" and "thoughts on having friends."


i have books

i have copies of person, no hellos diet, and hurt others for sale.

i also found two more copies of yum yum i cant wait to die.


here's a review of person as well.



i'm doing three readings in chicago around awp.

if you want to see my beautiful face/body and hear my beautiful voice reading my beautiful work and then buy a beautiful book off me:

wednesday february 29 2012

the empty bottle
awp kickoff party
faecbook page

thursday march 1 2012
"everything will be ok" reading
facebook page.

saturday march 3 2012
reading at stephen tully dierks's apartment (bring your own PCP)

also, i intend to murder at least one person at awp. find out who when the time comes!


a chapter from "person" was included in this collection. you can buy or download the collection.

here is an essay i wrote on the bulk culture website. it's called "thoughts on not-liking a lot of things." if you leave a comment in the comment section of this post and suggest a topic i will write a "thoughts on [that topic]"




i found three copies of "yum yum i can't wait to die."

these are the last three in existence.

see where it all began!

here's a review at htmlgiant.

i made them myself like, four years ago.

there were only sixty made.

now three remain!

if anyone wants one, email me.


i probably won't sell them for like really cheap though, because i need the spinach.

i need some fucking spinach bad.

UPDATE: i'm bad at selling things. so whoever offers the most spinach by friday will get a copy.


i finished the edits on two new books that will be out soon through lazy fascist press. i will post the covers soon.

tent revivalist recordings is going to put out a cassette tape of me reading various things. all their tapes look really nice.

today someone mentioned a hot dog place in chicago called "flukeys" and when i said i had never heard of it he said, "damn i should shoot you in the head" and i laughed really hard.

here is an essay i wrote for a new site called "bulk culture."

a lot of times on the red line train i stand in the back facing the rest of the car because then i don't feel surrounded. today when i saw all the faces looking back at me i heard a spaceship captain say, "we have encountered hostile beings, prepare for forcefield of frowning stare." then i heard a sound like a forcefield was surrounding me.


here is a link to a video noah cicero made about my writing. he talks about "the no hellos diet."

also, if anyone has, or can get a "nanoloop" please email me. a nanoloop is a cartridge you can plug into a gameboy to make it into a keyboard. my man wes needs one. email me sampinkisalive@gmail.com



"i am going to clone myself then kill the clone and eat it"

the same press is also putting out "hikikomori" by tao lin and ellen kennedy.


i'm an adult

i have paintings for sale. they are both three feet by four feet. i will try to get pictures of them up. if you want to buy one email me. they're really nice. they're so fucking nice.

i started a band with a man from texas who now lives in chicago. his name is wes neal. the band is called "depressed woman."

it seems like you can tell if someone was just talking about you if you walk into a room and there are two people standing there and one says, "so anyway". "so anyway" is the sign that someone was just talking about you.

i'd like to ask a serious question. what is REALLY stopping you from opening fire on a police car. is it morals, or the fear of getting caught. for me it seems like the fear of getting caught. when i really think about it, most reasons why i dont do things are because i don't want to get caught.

last night i had a dream where a pit bull had it jaws clamped down on my hand (i always dream that a dog is biting me when my hand falls asleep while i'm asleep) and the pit bull had really big teeth that looked like pumpkin seeds and when the pit bull bit my hand i said out loud, "this will be ok" and i put the pit bull's head against a brick wall and kneed it twice. the first one didn't do anything. but the second one cracked the pit bull's skull and the jaws released my hand.

depressed woman in 2012.

is anyone having fun anymore.

i feel like years ago i was like, "i'm going to stop having fun for a little bit then come back to it" but then i never came back to it.

yesterday i was walking down the sidewalk and a man passed me from behind, going backwards in a motorized wheelchair, with his head over his shoulder, holding a laptop computer.

the guy who lives above me screams at videogames all night.

for some reason i keep thinking i would definitely win the lottery if i played once but i just won't play it.

a huge worry of mine is that i'll be sleeping over at someone's house and then randomly piss while i'm sleeping. like, it could happen. it could just happen once, out of nowhere and then never happen again and i'd either have to never talk to that person again--just run out of the house and never communicate with them again--or try to apologize in some way, but i know i couldn't do it without laughing.

a lot of things seem stupid to me now. like i just keep thinking, "that's stupid" and then i think, "wait, is that stupid" and then i think, "yeah it's stupid."

i almost uncontrollably said, "i love you" to an old man working a sandwich counter last week when he said, "chips and drink?"

is anyone having fun anymore, i'm serious. can someone tell me something they have done recently that was fun and can they describe the feeling.

depressed woman.

i'm an adult.



this is a video caroline thompson made after receiving a package i sent her with some art and writing in it. caroline was a very sweet lady. she died yesterday of an overdose.


hey can anyone get me a copy of "cool edit pro 2" for a computer.

i will give you a drawing or something else.


i made this drawing the other day.

i also have two big paintings that look nice if anyone wants to buy them. they're three feet by four feet and look really nice.


here is a review of PERSON.

also, is there a way to save a pdf into a jpeg. i have a picture i want to post but i cant because it's a pdf.

a fucking pdf!