inspecting the truly shitty haircut i gave myself, i noticed myself thinking, "well, you really did it this time, chuckles."



You should come. Facebook RSVP here.



this is a picture of mira gonzalez i found on the muummuu house website.  it's from a recent reading.  i captioned/did notes on the picture. click on the picture to see it better if you want.

1.  Spearmint Shirt Lady:  the 'coat slung over folded arms' suggests a tired patience, a willingness to listen, but her mind is somewhere else.  Thought in her head as this picture was taken:  "You know what, I think the radishes will go better with that fish I bought.  So yeah, I'll just save the asparagus then, perfect."

2.  'All Bidness/Big Blazer Daddy' :  This person is trying to make eye contact with his male friend across the room. Big Blazer Daddy is about to (once he makes eye contact) motion with his fingers back and forth between him and his friend and mouth the words 'should we go' and then make a 'driving' motion with his hands then nod and wink his one eye a little like, 'yeah we'll leave soon.'  Thought in his head while this picture was taken: 'I would've eaten more of the free shrimp out in the lobby but that art girl I tried to hit on made a weird face at me. Fuck that shit. Can't be like, held down by that shit, I'm All Bidness/Big Blazer Daddy.'

3. Hiding Girlfriend:  Holding that complimentary art museum tote bag like it ain'no thang.  She's judging herself and mira--comparing and contrasting--after hearing Big Blazer Daddy remark that he thought mira is 'cute.'  Thought in her head as the picture was taken: 'I don't think i'd be able to kill someone if i had to.'

4.  Little Daddy Blazer/Belt-Buckle Mang:  Wanting to appear both more engaged but also aware of how he looks to others. He's thinking about having sex with mira.  thought in his head when the picture was taken: 'Hmm, which book should i mention i just read....in order to get mira to have sex with me.' 

5.  Greasy Ass Hair:  You go girl.  Thought in mira's head when the picture was taken:  'Niggas ain't on nothin (nah!)/Don't make me shoot sumpin (bla-ow!)/Doin that gum-bumpin (talkin!)/Now they forrest gumpin' (runnin!)'

6.  Authoritative Finger Gesture:  the result of vaguely remembering a scathing one-star review on goodreads where the reviewer said something like, 'would've given this no stars but goodreads doesnt allow it.'

7. Timid Art Museum Employee:  In a hilarious slip up, they didn't have her name-tag ready (first day) so she went through the day wearing a 'Jerry' name-tag, which resulted in a number of 'Hey Jerry haha' jokes (three of which were from Big Daddy Blazer).  Thought in her head when picture was being taken: 'I'm supposed to tell them they have to clear out for the 'guy who covers himself with post-it notes' performance. Can't believe that asshole ate so many shrimp then asked for a tote bag "without a scuff on it" for his girlfriend.'

8. Ominous Person:  This person gave mira's book a one star review on amazon because she 'couldn't give it no stars' and now she's come to the museum with the heater to put some holes in mira. Thought in this person's head when the picture was taken: "I like [contemporary indie band]."

9.  Gams 


noticed myself referring to oncoming bad feelings as, 'it's time to return to the crazy cave of doom.'  
was at a restaurant eating my food and looking out the window when i suddenly felt extremely happy--like drug-like happiness--and it felt like outside was inviting me out and i kept hearing something/somebody saying, 'come on, wake up, you have work to do' and i felt connected to things, and i felt like i was returning somewhere after being somewhere else for a long time, but i knew in like half an hour it would be something i look back on and just smile/laugh. 


if anybody is filming like, a party/teen movie or whatever, i'm interesting in playing an older burnout character named like, 'Shlong' or something, and i'll wear a red bandana and leather coat and umbros, or just maybe a bathrobe with a red bandana on and i'll always be eating lunchables and one of the jokes in the movie can be that i make out with an old woman or like, i accidentally make out with a dog/monkey because of how fucked up i am.   


i feel like if i was secretly videotaped today it would be good footage for a 'depression hurts' commercial and/or a commercial where they talk about 'that not-so-clean feeling.'

also, i feel attracted to the women in the 'not so clean feeling' commercials, where they're just sitting on the couch wearing a hoodie with the hood on and they're like, hugging themselves.



this is the james toney interview transcribed in 'rontel.'  i recommend looking up all james toney's interviews on youtube.  his shittalking is.... (almost said, 'like a fine cognac' but i dont think i've ever had fine cognac).  i also recommend watching the fight this interview is from 'holyfield vs toney.'

also, if anyone wants to commission me to write articles on the following things, i'd probably do it:

1. selected reactions to some of twista's lyrics
2. this quote
3. reviews of any episode of 'saved by the bell' (you pick/serialized?)
4. an ongoing look at aspects of boxing that might be appealing to non-fans (serialized?)
5. profiling someone's younger sibling (think about it:  "Blocks, Legos, and Tears: A Day with [name of sibling]"

also, i liked this article


2013 lazy fascist press

the collected suicide notes vol. 1

the complete collection of published and unpublished poetry
sometimes when i'm hopelessly applying for jobs on craigslist, i see myself like, in a lab on an operating table, naked and squirming with tubes hooked up to me and there's a voice over where an evil sounding scientist says, "he was....designed to be, physically incapable of getting and maintaining a job" (cut to shot of me looking at my hand as i curl all my fingers in agony and then it zooms into my body on a cellular level, showing cells rejecting other cells, sometimes fusing) voiceover: "subject A is...quite simply, a marvel of advancement in the field of....somehow being a lot less able to get and maintain jobs than others."


'rontel' was reviewed at the LA Review of Books

i went to this flag store today to buy a chicago flag but it was closed because it was just robbed the other day.  this is a video of the robbery.  the old man working the register uses a baseball bat to fight off a gunman firing at him point blank.

also, if anyone wants a copy of the spanish translation of 'i am going to clone myself then kill the clone and eat it' (' VOY A CLONARME, LUEGO MATAR AL CLON Y COMÉRMELO') then email me sampinkisalive (at) gmail.com 



think i'm going to start an instagram or facebook page that's just sexy pictures of my sexy body making sexy faces and act like i'm not narcissistic by putting captions in like, 'geez i hate myself, lol' and 'check out this asswipe, 666 jk.'  the page will be called, 'my dick smells like pussy.' half of the pictures will just be my asscheeks spread apart so you can see my asshole.  the other half will be pictures of me flexing my ripped arms and/or letting honey drip down my sculpted core.  every once in a while i will allow other people to be in the pictures with me, if s/he makes sure to use one of the following hand signs:  'middle finger'  'peace sign'  'metal sign'  'tongue through peace sign/pussy eatng sign' and/or  'thumbs up/thumbs down.'  the goal will be to show people what a fun, rich life i live, while maintaining (via captions/comments) that i'm depressed and have no friends and no future.  every once in a while i will include clothed pictures, that appear to be showing off a funny shirt i have, but the main purpose will be to show off my unmatched handsomeness and startling/hypnotizing hazel eyes.  i will also be sure to include pictures that highlight my 18 inch neck (just two inches shy of mike tyson's!!!!) and 'american male' jawline.  i will probably also buy like, a funny beltbuckle so that i can take a picture of it, but really the point is to show off my 'sex lines' that go from my hips down into between my legs, and also, the outline of my dick.  once a month i will post a video that just a still shot of a book i like, with my eventual cumshot streaking across its cover.  in these videos, it will be silent for a second, then the cumshot will happen, then the words 'fuck yeah' will light up on the screen with me saying, 'fuck yeah' in a 'metallica singer' voice.  whenever i do readings, i'll make sure to include pictures, provided the reading is in a 'cool place' and provided the pictures portray me in a way that looks like i'm a doomed young author.  the goal of these pictures will be to suggest that i'm doomed and an outsider but that i travel to 'cool places' even though i'm so doomed and sexy.  any time anyone comments or likes a picture, i will respond immediately with a 'thanks!!!' or ' :) '   i'll take  cute pictures of me in my pajamas (sweatpants/sweatpant cut-offs) and say stuff like, 'yikes.....mornings :('   but i will make sure to still look sexy and manly in those pictures too.  i will work hard at this and attempt to get as many 'friends' or 'likes' as  possible until i feel fulfilled.  once i feel fulfilled, i will shove a knife down my throat and die slowly on the floor, choking as i reach out to pet rontel one last time. 
here is a review of rontel from someone who lived in uptown 

i didn't write about or live in edgewater or andersonville though, those are neighboring areas that i dont like that much. 

the real hazard in not wearing underwear isn't zipping up your dick/balls but instead allowing your balls to lay on the zipper while pissing because ball skin (seemingly) easily falls into zipperteeth.

(after i re-read this for some reason i imagined myself wearing a full hood over my head and face, made of ball skin.  soft soft ball skin.)  


a movie trailer for a western/gun movie where an unshaven guy is leaning against a bar and strikes a match, lights a cigarette, and says, "a man can only have his onions boiled so many times 'fore something has to give..."



this motherfucker still wants to talk.  i already said what i had to say.  couldn't find your email alex, and you didn't respond to my direct address in a comments section a while back.  but i'm telling you, shut the fuck up with your bullshit.  quit trying to get attention by shitting on my shit.  saying shit about my book on your fucking twitter like a fucking tool.  it's clear you dont truly give a fuck because otherwise you'd try to talk to me about it rather than try to shit on it.  just typical witch hunt shit, no communication just labeling.  no solutions just sides and ideology.  you tweeted that there are no positive depictions of black people in rontel.  then you list three negative ones (even though i just wrote shit down, didn't 'depict' anyone outside of how they did):  1.  murder suspect at bus stop (didn't state the race of this character you fucking idiot, also the main character wanted to kiss her.) 2. 'asshole at sandwich shop' (why is he an asshole, i liked that guy a lot, also, didn't mention his race you dumb fuck.  you think he's black because he uses slang) and 3. james toney (well, james toney is african american for sure, but....i transcribed that interview exactly as it happened, and also....how is it negative?  he beat an ATG heavyweight.  he's like, my favorite boxer.  james toney talks tons of shit, that's who he is).  i'm fucking serious man, and i know this seems extreme or funny or that i need to 'chill out' but i'm fine dude, just....seriously stop your shit because when i see you (and we'll meet up at some point i promise) i'm going to fuck you up badly.  quit provoking me to get bullshit web hits for your bullshit twitter you dumb fuck.  quit poking me.  if you want to talk to me, address me directly and show me respect.  do not fuck with me. write your own shit and stop talking about mine.  stop sensationalizing shit, i dont want attention for negative reasons.  especially not negative reasons made up by a thoughtless crumbsnatching fool like you. i'm serious man, you're making a huge mistake.  

update:  can anyone tell me why any of the people in the book seem 'negatively portrayed' outside of your own preconceptions about language.  like, for instance, alex, what do you find so negative about the characters aside from the way they talk (which is a racist thing to think you silly lil guy).  also, why dont you ever mention the other manners of speaking, like the chicago guy, or the maintenance man, or the people at the bee class.  alex, you're getting me so heated i almost like it.  feels sexual.


PERSON:  when you hear the word 'mentor' what comes to mind?

ME:   like, i think about a mortal kombat styled character who is a 'mental' raptor. like, 'mentor.' 


two things that feel normal/healthy to me but seem to alienate people are 1. not verbally responding when talked to (like, just making eye contact and not saying anything after someone says something that normally someone else would respond to with small-talk/affirmation) and 2. not being able to have fun doing things most people find fun.  like i'll think, 'fun, what is fun' in a sitcom-alien tone in my head or i'll observe people seemingly having fun and it seems like i've been sent to gather information on fun but i'm just there thinking, 'i'm not having fun' (not in a spoiled, 'somebody please entertain me' type tone, more like just reminding myself and not trying to act otherwise.)  in other words, check please!! 


i have an extra copy of the finnish translation of 'i am going to clone myself then kill the clone and eat it.'

it looks really nice.

if anyone wants it, email me


also, lazy fascist used a drawing of mine for noah cicero's collected works.  
i've been declining interviews/profiles/articles related to writing.  i'm not trying to be a dick/disrespectful/anything, i just dont have anything to say right now. i'm thankful that people want to do those things, but it seems more fun/rewarding to try and ice myself a little and let people just read the books.  if you like the books, tell someone you like.  pass them around.  write an article. but i don't think i have much to say right now about it i guess. too much exposure is just going to create a situation where things that aren't the book are talked about/perceived more than the actual books.  


if anybody in chicago has random jobs they need done and they're willing to pay in cash, hit me up


i can cut grass.

i can clean windows.


i'll kill/seduce your mom/dad for the low low fee of 80 dollars plus dinner.  haminna hammina!!!

check please!

or if you want to buy art or whatever.

and/or if you have HBO and need someone to watch boxing on it when you're not home...

check please! 



i'll be reading at ohio state university with scott mcclanahan on may 2. 

i promise not to black out/get sick from drugs for this reading/all future readings. 

i'm serious, it's going to be good. 

i feel excited about not blacking out anymore.