this is a picture of mira gonzalez i found on the muummuu house website.  it's from a recent reading.  i captioned/did notes on the picture. click on the picture to see it better if you want.

1.  Spearmint Shirt Lady:  the 'coat slung over folded arms' suggests a tired patience, a willingness to listen, but her mind is somewhere else.  Thought in her head as this picture was taken:  "You know what, I think the radishes will go better with that fish I bought.  So yeah, I'll just save the asparagus then, perfect."

2.  'All Bidness/Big Blazer Daddy' :  This person is trying to make eye contact with his male friend across the room. Big Blazer Daddy is about to (once he makes eye contact) motion with his fingers back and forth between him and his friend and mouth the words 'should we go' and then make a 'driving' motion with his hands then nod and wink his one eye a little like, 'yeah we'll leave soon.'  Thought in his head while this picture was taken: 'I would've eaten more of the free shrimp out in the lobby but that art girl I tried to hit on made a weird face at me. Fuck that shit. Can't be like, held down by that shit, I'm All Bidness/Big Blazer Daddy.'

3. Hiding Girlfriend:  Holding that complimentary art museum tote bag like it ain'no thang.  She's judging herself and mira--comparing and contrasting--after hearing Big Blazer Daddy remark that he thought mira is 'cute.'  Thought in her head as the picture was taken: 'I don't think i'd be able to kill someone if i had to.'

4.  Little Daddy Blazer/Belt-Buckle Mang:  Wanting to appear both more engaged but also aware of how he looks to others. He's thinking about having sex with mira.  thought in his head when the picture was taken: 'Hmm, which book should i mention i just read....in order to get mira to have sex with me.' 

5.  Greasy Ass Hair:  You go girl.  Thought in mira's head when the picture was taken:  'Niggas ain't on nothin (nah!)/Don't make me shoot sumpin (bla-ow!)/Doin that gum-bumpin (talkin!)/Now they forrest gumpin' (runnin!)'

6.  Authoritative Finger Gesture:  the result of vaguely remembering a scathing one-star review on goodreads where the reviewer said something like, 'would've given this no stars but goodreads doesnt allow it.'

7. Timid Art Museum Employee:  In a hilarious slip up, they didn't have her name-tag ready (first day) so she went through the day wearing a 'Jerry' name-tag, which resulted in a number of 'Hey Jerry haha' jokes (three of which were from Big Daddy Blazer).  Thought in her head when picture was being taken: 'I'm supposed to tell them they have to clear out for the 'guy who covers himself with post-it notes' performance. Can't believe that asshole ate so many shrimp then asked for a tote bag "without a scuff on it" for his girlfriend.'

8. Ominous Person:  This person gave mira's book a one star review on amazon because she 'couldn't give it no stars' and now she's come to the museum with the heater to put some holes in mira. Thought in this person's head when the picture was taken: "I like [contemporary indie band]."

9.  Gams 


trevor john said...

You got three fuckin rows of teeth like a shark. Chop down a tree and bite off all the bark.

sam pink said...

check please!

Mira Gonzalez said...

i jetpacked through the ceiling of moma immediately after this photo was taken

jereme said...

i would title this picture "things people do with the money they didn't earn."

Anonymous said...

"things people do with the money they didn't earn."

Love it.

xTx said...



sam pink said...

dag, thank you xtx. i just emailed the guy. feels very exciting. hopefully the editor finds a sweet picture of me in the bathtub and that convinces him to hire me. like he goes, 'i dont know, seems like a dweeb, lemme click this here link though...' then his eyes open wide and he says, 'bring him to me!'

sam pink said...

also just for the record, my armpits smell exactly like a Big Mac right now.

xTx said...

i think the bathtub pics will most likely "clinch it" for you.

On the armpit smell, seriously wish i could be blindfolded and have a 'smell test' performed with your armpits and an actual big mac. Either way, seems like a lose/lose for McDonalds.

p.s. GOOD LUCK! all i want, if you get the job is a dedication in your next book. even if you just handwrite it on a page and take a picture of it.

Anonymous said...

Good work. Alienate the 5 people who bothered to show up. You guys are total literary geniuses. Total success. Total boners.

sam pink said...

i doubt the five people who bothered to show up read this, and also i wasn't deliberately trying to insult them like you are trying to do to me and the other 'guys' whoever the fuck that is. also, what is this 'literary geniuses' shit. seems like your presuming we feel a certain way about ourselves (you know, me and the 'guys') based on your own feelings, which is weak as fuck. i'll agree with the total boners thing though. let me guess, you read a positive review of 'taipei' and searched out the 'guys' so you could do your little weak insulting bullshit. bottom line: you a bitch and you wouldn't say this shit to any of our faces (ya little bitch). p.s. fuck you.