25.12.14

the slow and unnoticeable move towards acting the ssame when alone as when around others, and its surprising new levels of both loneliness and reward
dreamed i found a secret drawer full of clean socks and underwear and woke up excited then sad, like awlays
reaching out to the hand reaching out to you in your pit and pulling them in
that thing where you go to shake someone's hand but pull it away to slick back your hair except instead of that you reach into your pants and pull out a gun and shoot yourself
a weird but refreshing new low-standard where a 'positive' interaction with someone leaves me thinking, 'you're you and i'm me and let's just never communicate or intersect and i won't think about it anymore.'
all the bullshit ways people identify/label things
the first thing that happens after you die is you're presented with a weight that is all the hurt you've caused people without even knowing it and you have to hold it over your head until your arms give out and your drop the weight and die again
oh, no, sorry, i didn't want to talk to you, i just wanted to pet your dog for a second before we continued walking different ways.

23.12.14

judging by the dumb shit people worry/complain about, i'm guessing people have forgotten they're going to die
the forgotten chicago hobbit 'Skillsno Lackins'
it'd be easier to listen to people who talk shit about 'realism'/writing about life/pain if they didn't write bougie nonsensical willy wonka bullshit
the wonderful change from torturing yourself bloody and stinging to noticing there are others to do that too.
action movie hero who deliberately walks around with one boot untied so when there's a fight the hero can bend down (making a 'who is you' type face) and say, 'let me tie my boot real quick before i kick that ass.'  
just be yourself (and 99% of people won't like you)

just be yourself (it's the only thing you're left with)







love for lil dotty b, the only female who's allowed to drool on my beard

17.12.14

sometimes the only thing that keeps me from killing myself is reminding myself it's me against everyone else and i don't want to make it easy
most mentalities/ideas are designed around a weaker controlling party trying to neutralize the strengths it sees in another party
most interactions are designed around a controlling party neutralizing whatever strengths are noticed in another party
suicide by headbutting through a windshield then pulling your own head off
avoid all group interaction/acceptance
all the ways you wish your life was easier or you were different are all insults
truth be told though, fuck your magazine and its made-up world

16.12.14

pretty sure people would poke themselves in the eye or eat piles of shit or do whatever if there was a quantifiable (and visibly tracked) way of others liking it
calmly falling down the pit of life and bouncing off the edges without making a sound
hallucinated a santa's head cake at the store today and thought 'i'm going to buy that and stomp on it outside' then when i looked closer it wasn't there.
are you feeling terrible because that's just how you feel or are you feeling terrible because everyone else is perverting you

18.11.14

a good way to resolve an issue with an asshole whining about something trivial is to say 'hey' and then when they look at you, pause for a second or two and without changing your face, say 'it's gonna be all right.'
if you ever want to remind yourself that people are lazy self-serving assholes, just watch how they act getting on and off a train/bus when it's cold out
the thing i'm against most is identifying as part of any group
the primary method of self expression now is taking a picture of yourself making the same stupid face you make in every picture.
advanced antisocial martial arts technique where you deftly remove all context from any interaction you have with someone, simply by knowing nothing about whatever tv show/music video/celebrity/rapper/media controversy s/he is trying to talk to you about
i support police brutality in logan square

17.11.14

seems totally reasonable to me to, u[pon first entering somewhere, to slowly and silently walk around the perimeter and inspect everyone.
that slight change in your personality where, instead of detailing why you think someone is an asshole to someone else who has asked, you just say, 'if you ever meet them you will know...' knowing that if they don't know it still means something
have sincerely thought--outright or indirectly--that i 'finally have a garment fine enough to be buried in'...in reference to a hoodless black umbro sweatshirt i recently got
one cool thing about most people in general right now is that they quit at the first sign of opposition so it keeps shit tidy

5.11.14

the way that people in social situations act--with that level of hiding who they are/how they feel in favor of a selfconscious performance--it makes me want to pat their shoulder and say, 'your mom loves you' (and then jetpack upwards through the ceiling)
RONTEL 2: THE GARBAGE TIMES

coming as soon as i'm not depressed
that feeling of immense disgust and hate towards people for all the small-timing bullshit that motivates most action/ideas
interested in, on days off, walking around random areas and going into places to ask the employees if they want me to run out and get lunch/anything for them
interested in starting a reading group in chicago this winter were we just go to the lake and stand around, no reading
that feeling where the insane love/excitement building in you turns to something a little painful and violent
the either/or situation where your lack of feeling like a solid/consistent person with a solid/consisten personality is either the cause of being a heartless asshole who only bites back at the world or a person who gets past not being anyone and uses what s/he has to help out because there's always a lot of time left and if you're not doing something then fuck
illness/condition/thing where you always feel really excited about just going to sleep in places like a bank lobby or fast food restaurant or abandoned building.
that shit where people expect you to have an opinion on popular debates, rather than understanding that considering it either way is already a loss and part of the plan.
promoting your book in any way except making it good is stupid.

8.9.14

been adding 'but i mean yeah, i'm trash so...' to a lot of things i say in public.
i remember hearing someone use the 'if we allow gay marriage then next, people will want to marry dogs' argument and at first i was like 'what the fuck' but then i was like, 'wait yeah, i'd marry a dog.'
new website called 'cluckers' where you post 100 character 'clucks'

code name 'boss crumbkilla'


6.9.14

this person made a shirt with 'dead horse' printed on it.


4.9.14

hopkins-kovalev
neighborhood tradition where people gather to compete in a tournament where the challenge is headbutting each other at the same time and whoever quits loses and the winner advances.

2.9.14

just thought 'sniping angels from a position high up in a tree, using a bow and arrow.'
a review of 'witch piss'

28.8.14

damn, in times like these, i just wonder which celebrity i should get my news/political viewpoints/worldview from...

27.8.14

the violence in chicago this summer....

25.8.14

fuck yeah it's complimentary....COMPLIMENTARY.  mallory whitten is awesome.


that feeling that the only interaction you want with people is biting one of their armpits as hard as you can.
considering yourself a guest no matter where you are/go will make you less terrible.
when someone tells you to be more open-minded but what they really mean is 'agree with me otherwise you're ignorant'
that feeling that your only contribution to society is wanting to respond to anything anyone says by just standing right in front of him/her and ssaying, 'fuck you' and standing there until s/he walks away.
there doesn't seem to be a way to peacefully disagree with people anymore.

21.8.14

part of me understands running towards a group of pigeons, yelling, 'nyahhh!!!!'
not showering long enough such that when you get caught in the rain outside, you think, 'hey this isn't so bad.'
carrying around a rock in your pocket so anytime you pass by people having a conversation you can say, 'that ain't shit, check this out' and hold out the rock while smile until something happens.
hugging and cheek-kissing a cashier after a regular transaction.
seemingly unprovoked feelings of total body euphoria and unlimited power while aimlessly walking around.
would like to hear Lil Herb EBK rap over The Blow's 'True Affection.'

20.8.14

one way to express how you feel is to keep wearing an unwashed pair of shorts that had a fish-oil capsule explode in the pocket.

19.8.14

felt depressed yesterday that 'pumping gas' isn't a job possibility anymore.  

18.8.14

being aggressively un-macho seems just as annoying and insincere as being really macho
when someone uses 'expectations' as a criterion for judging a work, as if their own pre-perception of something is an actual part of that something.
one of the major contributions of the current generation is taking a photo of yourself.
a while ago i posted about bullshit mass emails where people you barely know/probably don't like try to sell you their book.  here's a tasty one from Justin Taylor.  i've copied and pasted the whole thing and added my own notes (my notes are in bracketed in red bold).  

SUBJECT LINE OF EMAIL:  FLINGS: A new book, a party, many readings, and a preemptive apology



"[First, the apology: Sorry (1) for the impersonal mass email, [ok this is like walking into a dinner and taking off your shoe and holding it over someone's soup and being like, 'hey, sorry i'm about to dip my shoe in your soup, but, here we go!'] (2) if you receive it at multiple addresses, (3) if it's telling you something you already knew [really fucking arrogant to think anybody knows about this shit, outside of the friends you probably ear-beat/your publisher/agent/yourself in the mirror] (4) that you didn't want to know [hey, alright my man, now we're talking]. In case of any or all of the preceding, please know this is not a mailing list. It's a one-time announcement. No need to "unsubscribe." There's no subscription. It's already over. I swear.] [this is the same thing he said in fourth grade when he created a mailing list about his birthday party]


Now for the fun [hell yeah, what's more fun fro strangers than to read about someone detailing the events of their book release?]. Friends [...], Tomorrow marks the publication of Flings, my new story collection and hardcover debut [hey i THOUGHT tomorrow was something. at first i thought it was my day off, but no, tomorrow 'marks' the publication of a book i'll never read by a guy who's more or less a snobby asshole. haha 'hardcover debut.' cut to shot of justin in his room in front of the mirror and he's acting like it's a press conference and he asks himself the question, 'hey justin, we were all wondering, when are you making your hardcover debut?' ]. Early press has been generous and enthusiastic [fake humility]Publisher's Weekly, [who the fuck reads publisher's weekly] in a starred review [ wait, a starred review...nevermind!!], called it: "Contemporary, intelligent, and occasionally laugh-out-loud funny. These stories, by turns witty and piercing, together form an uncommon portrait of the human heart." [uh huh, so somebody used the common phrasings for any bullshit they favorably review. 'contemporary' well no shit it just fucking came out. 'witty and piercing'....ow ow, i've been pierced somebody help!]

You can read more of what's been said so far at my website.[phew, i was hoping there'd be additional information somewhere] If you'd like to buy a copy of Flings, I encourage you to do so from the local independent book store of your choice (if you don't know where your local indie is, click the link and enter your zip code; it will tell you). You can also of course order it online from Barnes & Noble or any of the other usual suspects. [the book is published by harper collins. totally indie. so hey, make sure you go indie because otherwise justin will feel bad about all the work his major publisher/agent/publicist/editor had to do]

The reading & launch party for Flings is tomorrow night, 8/19, at BookCourt in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn at 7 PM (drinks to follow). There will be several more readings in the New York area [phew!] throughout the fall as well as events in Seattle, Portland (Oregon), Boston, and Austin [sorry guys]. At almost every stop, I'm sharing the stage with one or several amazing writers, so it won't be a monotonous slog of Justin [a monotonous 'slog' of a man referring to himself in third person...fuck]. I will also be doing my Deadhead-best [damn, AND a grateful dead reference, this motherfucker is a black belt in annoyance] to vary the reading selection from night to night (just don't ask me to "jam," or we'll both be sorry) [tut tut tut, a joke!  in a literary mass email?!  why, this email is 'by turns laugh out loud funny and piercing!! i'm starring it!]. The event schedule appears below and on my website. Since this is, as I said, a one-shot email, the best way to keep current with news/publications/press/etc. is at the site, via Facebook, or on Twitter. [yeah, or like, just use the internet. like search for him or whatever]

Okay, that's it. Thanks to one and all for your friendship and support [two things almost nonexistent in the writing world]. I hope to see you at the launch tomorrow, and/or at one of the events this fall.

13.8.14

willing to negotiate a small fee to rewrite (not re-publish) 'person' or 'rontel' with a shittalking pile of shit on the main character's shoulder the whole book, but only he can see it/hear it.
if pets/animals could be used as references, i'd have a good job
doing the 'pussy eating/peace-sign with your tongue going through it' while eating food is the only genuine response i ever have
burying your head in a bulk candy/nuts/food bin at the store and just standing there
nothing beats the look on an asshole's face when you tell him the girl he keeps trying to talk to at the bar doesn't want to talk to him.
tackling someone and biting his/her ear with your lips over your teeth
doing a reading with a large overcoat on, pulled up over your head with a cat/dog balanced on you so it looks like you have a cat/dog head  
often think, directed at myself, 'control your bitch' when i start to feel paranoid or anxious
feel hopeful, even after so much disappointment, that one night my pillow will swallow my head
urge to kick a stack of waffles off a golf tee

12.8.14

i've always been a big fan of mackie osborne.

used to own the book with all her designs in it but it got stolen.
jumping out in front of someone at night, from hiding, to ask, 'hey what time is it.'
people who identify with abstract groups of people, much like people who follow fashion trends, wear uniforms for you to identify.

people who try to identify you as part of an abstract group are trying to uniform you.


singing 'war is coming' by six feet under at a karaoke night while holding a pina colada
the way that drugs sometimes lead to total selfishness rather than 'freeing you' like people claim.
a lot of life now seems like it's designed to happened so fast you don't even really have time to stop and figure out how stupid it is.  slowing shit down is a good way to appreciate it and/or break it down and get rid of it.
the way that, sometimes, a person saying, 'i think you'd like (something)' is a way for them to act like they know you/gain currency with you for 'understanding you.'
one of the only true compliments is 'i still can't figure you out/(something about being 'hard to read' in a figurative way)'
urge to only respond in written/audio interviews with a hulk hogan voice.
chapbook that, when opened, turns to dust, titled: 'your friends are just one method you use to make sure your weak-ass worldview and self-perception don't crumble like this bogus chapbook.'

11.8.14

all my people wearing umbros for underwear
when you sit on the train near a group of people, one of which is talking about how she doesn't want to watch 'titanic' because it would ruin the cruise she's about to go on, the safest thing to do is imagine yourself immortal and living on the moon with your foot chained to the ground.

4.8.14

'behold!' is a good thing to say in front of like, just, what's already going to happen.
a funny way to fuck with someone is to, while talking to them, turn to the side and smile a little and say, 'yeah but, you just dont know who's a cop anymore eh?'  
young adult books starring 'delightful fourth grade loner, Psycho-Nutbag Jones.'
i like the words of this review of 'witch piss.'  

view myself lately as an old house set deep back on a lot of land, with an angry half drunk shotgun wielding man and his stinking half-dead dog guarding it from the porch, leaves at their feet and the temperature perfect outside.
that shit where you notice you've been, involuntarily and only in thoughts, referring to people/other things as 'binzoshers' with that word having no meaning other than 'thing.'

1.8.14

i support police brutality during lollapalooza

31.7.14

the craziest guy is always the guy who only halfway succeeded in wetting his hands and smashing down the tufts of hair sticking up on the back of his head.
new farewell where you shake the person's hand with both hands and say, 'hey but look, i'm sick of your shit, i'll see you later.'

22.7.14

style of writing called 'twenty-something pampered jr. drug addict lazy and proud of it pop culture referencing halfassed ironic attention seeking' chic.

21.7.14

feel like more 'established/successful' artists should antagonize the current/coming generation rather than blindly support it for his/her own continued success, that way s/he helps build a better future.
wanting to ruin something once you build it up to a certain point, jsut because
pushing your face into the blades of a giant fan at the rate of one inch per year
that shit where people act less intelligent to appear more endearing
the more money/luxury people have the less manners they have

CRUMBS

sending out a mass email about your new book/project is really fucking annoying. if i dont regularly talk to you and/or express interest in your work then why are you sending me some fake-ass friendly-toned yet totally heartless bullshit email about your shit.

16.7.14

i have an old prepaid phone with some time on it if anyone wants to call and have a conversation and record it and put it online. with any luck it can be as (for whatever reason) troubling/upsetting as that podcast i did.

5.7.14

4th of july is the day you remember there have been wars to allow the current generation to celebrate by dressing like morons and acting like fucking asshole slobs and make you ashamed to be part of the same country.

3.7.14

talking shit to the firing squad

29.6.14

RIP rontel. you were five.  why did you get so skinny. i love you.


26.6.14

this will be really good
jordan castro got a tattoo of a drawing i did
feel like film reached its most beautiful moment in 'sudden death' with that shot of van damme pressing his face and hands up against the glass at the hockey rink, breathing that steam and screaming 'noooooooooooooo' right before the bomb is supposed to go off, but like, no one around him knows what's going on because they're all cheering.

25.6.14


person recently referred to an amount of my exposed chesthair as 'taco meat.'

24.6.14

one of the only types of narrators i can't ever enjoy or understand or whatever is the 'jaded rich person who's just so darn jaded'

23.6.14

afterlife of lying down in a field and letting a pack of dogs eat you then feeling yourself pass through each of their bodies and reforming from the shit as yourself at the birth of your former life, with no memory of it.
randomly checked the stat thing for this blog and one search that lead here was 'best young butthole in the world.'  consider your search over
that terrible tense feeling in almost every situation that other people are being insane and you're losing your mind because you don't understand how many steps back you have to take to explain why that person is insane but you want to like cancel them out in some absolute way, like completely ruin them and erase them from even your own memory but it all hurts and you truly don't fear dying because even though yeah you probably don't understand dying you definitely know it won't be the same as all the shit you deal with living so why not
weird how many people are impolite and disrespectful without provocation
i'm at this artist residence currently where it's like jail but i live alone and there aren't any guards and i still have to go to work and i still have to pay rent and there aren't any meals provided and there aren't any other artists and i don't have to write i mostly draw instead of write because the headaches from the heat make it hard to focus.
achieving the strong resignation of a gorilla sitting crosslegged and emotionless in a small room painted to look like a jungle at the lincoln park zoo
love for my people doing anything they can to avoid feeling like themselves for any period of time.

even more love for my people doing whatever it takes to always feel like themselves.
full speed crash and burn and blow away as a feeling of peace versus calm thought-out pacing and survival while feeling like you're going full speed at a brickwall to crash and burn and blow away.
a razor-lined noose over a pit of rats
kind of weird how much shit is aimed at increasing peoples' egos while secretly reminding them they aren't shit so they create a person who is willing to defend something s/he doesn't even necessarily like or support or understand.
afterlife that is slightly longer than your bodily life where you watch a movie (with voiceover) of your bodily life and how it should've went (according to some ultimate 'should' that you can't argue with) and you just sit there watching it, slowly crying--not like an active sobbing but just making no face and not blinking as tears come out of your eyes--and then when it's over you are fully dead and have no more interaction with any world (physical/spiritual/whatever) again and you don't know anybody and nobody knows you.  
kind of weird that the idea of anything you do being pointless (and selfish), including continuing to live at all, isn't more widely acknowledged and communicated on a daily basis (in a nondramatic/non-pessimistic/logical way [sort of like, 'hey, did you know!') to people both young and old.
two kinds of relationships:

1. none/complete indifference

and

2. total/all-consuming
recent urges to grab whatever object is nearest and try to press it into my face
pierced by a thousand fishhooks and laying in the sun as ten people piss on you
recommend cutting more and more things out of your life that way any small luxury feels really good.
the clever ways people find of turning your healthy anger/opposing feelings/confrontational personality into something wrong
movie called 'he's got the beat' where a character deals with stress/alienation/depression by going home and emotionally air drumming to songs.
if you ever get mentioned in Newcity's 50 People Who Matter in Lit then take a shit on the ground and shoot  yourself in the face so you land facedown in the shit.
that shit where sometimes you only think of yourself/for yourself and sometimes you think of yourself as someone else, an outsider to be treated coldly and clinically
recommend 'lonely lyle' by 'big business.'
recommend not owning/holding onto anything you've written/made
that shit where you realize you're only ever really comfortable/natural when greeting/meeting a dog and not ever a human
if you want to read a story cut from 'witch piss' called 'at the park' just email me and i'll copy and paste it into an email.  you can pay for it by doing something nice for someone or doing something mean to someone for yourself.
afterlife of becoming the fog on lake michigan

19.6.14

i have a story in The Austin Review.  the story is called 'at the park.'  if anyone wants my copy of the journal, email me your address. the lock is busted off my mailbox and it probably won't ever get repaired, via slumlord bullshit so i don't really get mail.

14.6.14

jereme dean started an ask.fm

i recommend asking his opinion on shit art-world related and otherwise.

 i really believe his opinion is valuable.

dont ask stupid shit

go italy

12.6.14

NEW POEM

yo, if you've never washed clothes in your bathtub then fuck you

NEW POEM

eating cold soup out of the can and sitting on the floor as a rat runs by me, into the hole in the wall behind my toilet. everybody sucks but it's for different reasons. one million points for me, and none for you.
that shit where it feels like the third floor of your head just collapsed and came crashing down onto the second floor.
a few posts down i wrote about an article i want to start writing called 'pets of the world.'  if you want me to do this about your pet/s then email me like, 5-8 pictures and a couple paragraphs about your pet.   sampinkisalive  AT  GEE MAIL DAWT COM
article
guns are for punks, bring back the fistfight

11.6.14

that shit where you're on the bus going to work and start smiling/laughing to yourself because you think "chuck e. cheese.  the 'e' is his middle name, fuck."

7.6.14

condition where you're barely able not to yell 'leave me alone' in almost every situation regardless of what's happening.
courtroom revenge show called 'I Got Your Back!' where whoever is found guilty has to take off his/her shirt and have hot food placed on his/her back for a certain amount of time.  the audience chooses the food by cheering as the judge points to different foods on a chart.

4.6.14

i have a new book out through lazy fascist press, called, 'Rontel 2' 


lyrics

'for weeks now, you run and you talk in your sleep.
you shook me awake to announce: you're never alone.

spring was confusing a little bit scary
summer was much of the same
by winter you ran with the night, never came home.

(repeat)

scream bloody murder the mountains are listening.
vultures mistook you for dead, bloody.
how can you sleep when you can't pull the teeth from your eyes.'
award show called 'The Antis' where awards are give out for antisocial behavior.  like, people close to the award-winner get up on stage and recount some of the winner's more antisocial behavior, leading up to the award-winner's 'crowning achievement' for the year.
willing to write an ongoing article called 'pets of the world' where people email me about their pets and i either visit the pets (if they're close) or ask for pictures/information about the pet and then write a profile on the pet.
shouts out to the lady in the alley collecting cans who stopped to watch me jump rope for a little bit then thanked me for 'performing for her.'

22.5.14

publicly daring the next young 'big house' author to take an advance then hand in a book of complete bullshit (not like, the normal bullshit that would be ok to publish, like, true bullshit and nonsense).        
sometimes you give yourself a decent looking haircut and think, 'hey that's a pretty good haircut' and sometimes you give yourself a decent haircut and think, 'hey that's a pretty good haircut but i still hope me and my cat die in our sleep tonight holding each other.'

19.5.14

RIP vic and blake

may each of your killers die slow

8.5.14

that deep fucking sadness that results from listening to any number of middle-aged men discuss mainstream sports from a managerial/coach's perspective.

6.5.14

thinking, 'now what, motherfuckers' when you look out your window at the world, 100% sure there is nothing left to make you happy and so no way to hurt you anymore.
imagined myself walking around with a big bag of gumballs and handing them out yelling, 'everybody loves GUMBALLS ehhhh!!!!'
just thought 'hold onto my back as tight as you can while i fuck you' as a non-sequitur
when you're walking around not sure if people can tell that they could probably knock you over with one finger vs when you're walking around totally sure everyone knows they're not knocking you over no matter what.
that feeling that you would be a lot calmer if you knew that you've made some of your feelings felt by others in a way that is as accurate as they can be felt.  like sharing.
extremely pleasant fantasy of rocketing through space for years and years in a small vehicle that's blasting 'heart of glass' as i nod my head a little

5.5.14

the first part of you they kill is the sweetheart
billboards/subway advertisements that just read, 'who fucked you up?'
the almost unnoticeable difference between not communicating with people because you don't want to communicate with them and not communicating with people because you don't want to communicate with anyone or anything.
the slow and unnoticeable change in characterizing positive feelings as 'happy' or 'joyous' to 'being a magical viking.'
would describe how i perceive every situation i'm in now as 'settling this shit right the fuck now' then interacting at a level of consciousness that is barely above plantlife.  .  
to deflect some people all you have to do is look right at them and make no expression and respond, 'what?'
that level where anything that interrupts your staring and not moving feels terrible.

30.4.14

the austin review is publishing a story called 'at the park' which was cut from 'witch piss'
mentioning suicide in writing has (mostly) helped me to avoid seriously considering it.  for as long as i've written about it (roughly from the ages of 24 until now) i have been able to get out of that undeniable lowness that usual leads to the serious consideration (like from some other person inside) of suicide.  it's like when you're around a lot of people and you feel bad and you just say, 'i feel bad' out loud and you immediately feel a little better, because most of us are probably programmed to fight back against the things that make you feel bad/will end you, rather than giving in to them.  so it's not 'just talk' or 'something that is offensive' it's a concrete working out of a problem.
children's birthday party magician named, 'Depress-O, the Insane'
one of the things that sucks about having a mind is that you have to, as a single thing inferior and less intelligent than the entirety of the rest of the world, make sense of everything you say/hear/experience

29.4.14

documentary about a person who dedicates him/herself to working out one arm/side of their body enough to be able to knock themselves out with a punch every once in a while as a coping mechanism
that feeling where no matter where you are someone is going to walk up and ask you to leave
i like this



80 year long movie where it's just a person going through life and everything except the person is green-screened out
passed by bathroom earlier and my cat was in the bathtub, only his eyes/forehead visible over the edge, staring at me
for some reason just iamgined moving onto a new block and the residents inform me about a cat who roams the alley, and the cat's name is 'wild bill' and no one ever sees him but they warn me to not cross him
recent frequent thought of, 'i got what you want, even if you don't want it man' towards everyone i meet.
going to a karaoke night and just screaming the song, but not in like, a cool screaming way, just like singing as loud as you can while your face feels hot/bursting
imagine most people who write/tweet/whatever shit about how to change the world for the better, would just go, 'oh, ha, i dont know' if presented with the opportunity to make any changes and being confronted with their own ignorance of everything outside their abstract approval-seeking ideas
black t-shirt with white block lettering that says, 'hey man the what but you have to like it's yeah!'
that moment when people finally realize you only own two pairs of pants and you don't give a fuck that that means something negative to whoever is commenting on it
music video where it's just three minutes of a profile close-up of a dog's head as it's running.
my 'go to' form of relief is imagining myself screaming so hard that it turns into me puking and i keep screaming through it
just imagined myself, alone, saying to myself, 'this one's for the homies' before running full speed into a wall
recent strong fantasy of plunging my head into the ground with one swoop, like, just kneeling down then slamming my head into the ground such that it buries it
that feeling of 'haha no' that always follows the feeling of 'am i missing out on anything/should i be doing anything'
 the download version of KING COBRA EP is available now

28.4.14

feel almost certain that the majority of people, myself included, were way cooler when they were like, 9 years old or so.
shouts out to o'boy standing shirtless in the middle of traffic with his arms folded, glaring at all the cars.
whenever anyone mentions something about it getting warmer/being hot, i always think, 'yeah man but i'm still cold inside.'
new habit where when someone introduces him/herself to you by extending his/her hand, you take the hand and bite it as hard as you can then when they pull away you make a mean face and breathe in and out hard, their blood all over your mouth.
crying out a single gigantic tear that is the combined tears of never crying and it comes on with the feeling of a sneeze and then when it leaves you, your head caves in and you feel normal.

26.4.14

but i mean, you can tell when someone is truly wilin' and when someone is just acting like they are
half/suggestively naked woman who does camera things, did reading of my writing.

25.4.14

word up to the guy on the redline half-asleep and trying to pull out his tooth
increasing my use of blinkless smiles and exagerrated winking to respond to people
deep desire to ride a segway around downtown chicago, naked except for a native american head-dress and Bears colored nipple tassels on my nipples and asscheeks, flowing.
recommend not ingesting caffeine to help with anxiety and other bad-head-things.

24.4.14

momentarily convinced i should go to a foodcourt and get some food then go to a table and set the food down and argue with it, like gesturing wildly and yelling and hitting the food
next minor argument i get into i'm going to stop at a certain point and shrug and shake my head and say, 'you sir/madam, are nothing more than a sneeglish yumpkins, and i can't deal with you any further.'
habit of turning to the side after someone says something to you and then loudly saying, 'hmmm, an intriguing development!' then going back to paying attention to the person as though they couldn't hear/see you doing that.  
that shit where you wish you could--for a few days--live a looped 1-2 hours of a day in your life, like the 1-2 hours after getting out of work and going to sleep.
had a moment where it felt like my heart was stopping and i felt weird excitement and thought something like, about how the moment before you die you hear all the sounds you've ever heard, all at the same time.
that shit where you're listening to someone talk to you for a while and you want to interrupt and say, 'man i don't know, but does it ever feel like your skull is made of sand and there's a bunch of magnets working against each other inside of it?'
donating my corpse to anyone who promises to make a youtube video called, 'eating cookies with a corpse' where you/other people/whoever eat cookies with my corpse on the ground.
performance art piece where you try to do stand-up comedy right after someone smashes both of your hips with a sledgehammer
something to do if you're at someone's house is act like you're going to use the bathroom but then find a place to hide until that someone finds you, then not explain why you did that, then leave.
a violent but still very funny trend in crime would be pairings of people around the city wearing football helmets and 'sandwiching' strangers by running and headbutting the stranger in the stomach and back at the same time then running away.
one of the most evil things to say seems like 'why don't you take a dip in my pool' while smiling and gesturing  to a yard without a pool in it.
promising development in 'being depressed' where you feel open to doing/trying anything because you feel like shit anyway, and even if  you feel like shit doing/trying something else, you know that where you are/what you're doing is definitely bad so why not.

23.4.14

the truth is though, i would jump in front of a bullet for a squirrel/almost anything else
 most creative people who are intentionally trying to 'help people' or 'represent people' are probably (concretely) helping less people than those who don't have that in mind, via being ignorant and shortsighted
when people criticize/judge you it's usually more about him/her than you
people don't want you to genuinely change because it's easier to judge/dismiss a person who 'is' a certain way
going to start responding to blanket/generic 'help me promote my forthcoming book' emails with, 'only if you blow me.'  
hands up if you feel incredibly stupid being photographed/having your photographed used for something
i've gotten emails about like, writing/promotion advice or whatever, so i'm going to try and write an article on some thoughts and post it here.  ultimately i dont really have any advice and i'll probably never be in a position to give anyone any real insight, but i'll describe things surrounding getting books published and how things happened for me.  if you want me to focus on anything, email me and i'll try to incorporate it.   sampinkisalive  AT  gmail  DOT com.      i'm not trying to like, do one of those 'arrogant/sarcastic/condescending writer giving advice to newer writers' thing, i'm just trying to write about things that've happened.  so like, it won't be 'STOP WRITING ABUOT DREAMS!!!' or 'publish less!!' or 'pain isn't necessary to ART!!!!' or whatever other mean-spirited/jaded/passive shit other 'writing advice' columns are about.
the difference between writing about a topic that everyone perceives as 'deep/important' (and is therefore more confused/vague/publicly misinterpreted) vs treating any/everything as important because you're the one experiencing it, in this lifetime, at this very moment, without any relation to anyone else's experience at that very moment.
talkshow called 'pickin your brain and diggin your guts.'

22.4.14

'superhero depression' where you feel invincible because you approach every situation in a completely practical way, saying/doing the minimum that needs to be said/done, maneuvering through it and the people it contains without care/hope/ambition/ego and so completely prepared for whatever happens and however it ends, accepting in advance there is no preferable way and even if there were you wouldn't deserve it.
one thing about feeling like a different person all the time is being able to look back on recent events and not only not understand who you were/the way you were acting, but also doubling up on the self-hated (via hating yourself at the moment and then in review as well, as a different person waiting to be remembered negatively).
saw a guy dressed like a futuristic cowboy--half a pretzel rod in his mouth, treating the pretzel rod like a cigarette--and i knew he could kick my ass

21.4.14

n'yeah!!
thanks to everyone in lawrence, kansas.  really appreciate all the hospitality/kindness.

17.4.14

i posted a story called 'blood man' on this site.  it was cut out of 'witch piss.'

RIP NAPOLEON 'THAT KID PO' THE CAT


rest in peace mighty hunter.  you will be remembered as a psycho. anyone can tell by looking in your eyes.  hunt on mighty hunter.  may there be someone where you are to kiss your lion chin.  who could forget that one time when i was shadowboxing your face trying to annoy you and i accidentally clipped your chin with a punch and you stared off for a second with your mouth open then shook your head and were normal again. keep crip-walking mighty hunter. you fucking psycho.
i posted a story called 'fun' from 'hurt others' on this site.

can't figure out how to link shit that good so there's an ad for 'hurt others' before it, can't figure out tumblr.  i try to do shit and it doesn't work.

thanks to mandy 'sock mama' zeller for scanning this shit for me.
when young authors are portrayed as 'hip' or 'cool' or 'bad boys/bad girls' by journalists...that shit is so stupid.  save that shit for whatever D.O.A. young band is coming out.
when you wear a coat you haven't worn since last spring and you find a bent-up king cobra cap in the pocket

16.4.14

make like a hairdresser and die
casually eating a small pile of sticks during a televised interview
a pretty sweet blurb would be: 'love it! the literary equivalent of a totino's party pizza!!!!'
looking just far enough into the sequence of events that represent your future to foresee a feeling of 'now what.'


i'll mail a stapled 'chapbook' of the story 'fun' ripped out of 'hurt others' to whoever writes the 60th review of person on amazon.
read 'hallelujak giant space wolf' by daniel bailey.  i know since it's older than three months old no one cares anymore, but it's a great book.
really like 'when your number isn't up' by mark lanegan
whenever i read that shit about 'showing not telling' i think 'nah....tellem boy, lettem know.'
if anyone owns 'hurt others' and a scanner, and would like to scan the story 'fun' and post it somewhere, that would be cool.  let me know.   sampinkisalive  at g mail dot com
currently, my only goal is to one day have an audiobook out, read by roy jones jr.
'dead bird licker' never seems to be offered as a 'what do you want to be when you grow up' option

them ohio goons

this answer from jordan castro in this inteview is really funny:

It’s a really cool concept and something that really strikes us at Y-Mag. We are always on the hunt for people who sort of encapsulate this century, a zeitgeist for that present moment, could that be you???
Funny you mention that, Kate. As I’ve frequently expressed in past interviews, Zeitgeist is one of those rare books-turned-movies that really captures what it’s like to be pre-9/11 in a post-9/11 world. Rarely a moment goes by when I’m not able to not think about those who didn’t (or did) turn into men (from boys). I think the late Theodore Storm said it best when he saidZeitgeist was “a domestic drama and the record of a spiritual journey.”
want my 'thing' to be 'guy who LOVES everything bagels.'  like try and work it into everyday conversations.  'so you think the blackhawks will win the stanley cup again?'  'i don't know dude, but one thing's for sure, if the hawks want it as bad as THIS GUY wants an everything bagel right now, then fuck yeah! because brother, i loves me an everything bagel, and you know it!'
reality show called 'thass whassup!' where there's a room filled with 10-20 beds containing people too depressed to leave bed....how will they interact?  WILL they interact? what will happen!?
that shit where sometimes when you look at a word/words it looks like a weird painting/shape/hieroglyph for a second.
want to get business cards that say 'Googar Helnish, Corpse Impersonator and Tomato Farming Millionaire Bad Boy.'
that shit where you always feel like something happening in the moment, and so you have difficulty in life because you never feel the same, and you never feel like something that will be around in the future because, maybe you will, but you won't be the same, like everywhere you walk there's a little piece of ground following you around beneath your feet, but everywhere else is a deep pit
when you seek out the company of only your ringing ears at the end of the day
feel more interested in people who have strong opinions, even if i disagree with them, than people who are like, just whatever all the time
that moment when you feel excited to just allow the most evil parts of you to just 'do they thang' rather than try and fight them.
three thousand thumbs down to logan square with its disneyland for art students bullshit
the mixture of excitement and shame as an adolescent every time my dad was late coming home from work, thinking he died in a car crash or something like that.
feel like most everyday culture, like interpersonal culture, is an attempt to reduce anything different/unique about people to a point where it's all the subject for ridicule, like most people just occupy this meaningless point of having no belief/attitude/personality aside from dragging others into that passive/pointless viewpoint.
single unafraid person swinging wildly at an approaching brickwall covered in broken glass vs. secretly terrified person in control of an endless army of plastic soldiers.
a funny cause of death would be trying to put pants on then getting your leg a little caught and jumping to try and maintain balance but then falling facefirst into a coffee table and dying facedown on the ground with your pants around your ankles.
shouts out to my girls and boys being told by adults that 'it will get better' but knowing it never will.
not ever being serious is just as shitty as always being serious.  
hell yeah dude, i'd love to hear more about your tattoo and where on your arm you were thinking about getting it
the trick seems to be not being too sensitive or too insensitive to painful things
did an interview for the kansas reading this friday.
the way most people are just telling you things to have you confirm/support them, not actually think about and discuss them.
book promotion where every copy of the book is guaranteed to have a handmade coupon in the back and the coupon is good for like 'one cleaning of your room' or 'painting your house' or 'bringing you dinner' or 'neutralizing upwards of two or three of your enemies' or 'raking your leaves.'

15.4.14

when there's a shift-change between the more entertaining/superficially social you and the overbearing militant dad you
an easy way to piss off a stranger is to, when sitting near them, just turn and put your mouth close to their ear/head and yell, 'whassup!'
slowly realizing that not everyone knows what a pizza puff is
scott mc clanahan and i will be reading in kansas this friday.  it's at 'The Roost'--sponsored by the lawrence public library, 7pm.  bring a beverage and a side.  i think scott will be bringing some of his famous 'you gotta be jokey artichokey' dip.

14.4.14

keep thinking, 'come on kids, come give ya Aunty Soshul a kiss now.'
i identify more with inanimate things than things that are viewed as 'like me' by outside observers.
performance art piece where you hang yourself with a razor-lined 1000 foot bungee cord
am constantly the opposite of 'having hearts for eyes and little hearts shooting out from around me'
that refreshing feeling after reminding yourself that it's not other peoples' fault you are mostly alone, it's yours
from 'under-boob' to 'just slightly above armpit' is the holy zone
banging your head against a hard surface after saying, 'oh i love this song' to someone after a song comes on wherever you are
a broken mug is way better than a broken bottle
the sometimes mistaken idea that you're helping someone by making his/her situation better and not worse.

10.4.14

just to be clear, i direct the same hateful/unsympathetic/cold/sometimes-emotionless/aggressive/horny to hurt/angry attitude i have for most others towards myself as well, only it's a little less playful.  
anyone else feel more doomed when the weather starts getting nice
'pain and hurting aren't necessary to being a writer/artist,' said the person sitting at a coffee shop wearing headphones that cost half of my rent, dicking around on a macbook.  
bomb-back mortal kombat red rum red rum
mark baumer wrote a review of the lessons he learned from WITCH PISS
in chicago if someone attacks you and you defend yourself with a weapon that isn't legal, they can sue you for injuries
easy way to introduce myself to my new neighbors is, 'hey i'm not one of the registered sex offenders in the building, howya doin!'
he lay down and let the cat clean his hair
the only potentially beautiful thing you have is your mind and how it interacts with other things.
man at wilson red line stop, his pant-legs rolled up, doing a 'presto' motion to his legs over and over
lookign back, believing that monsters were real was something that added meaning to my life
other names for a hot ass are: 'woodchipper' 'ski mask' and/or 'hot towel.'
i need to record a video of myself reading a chapter of 'person' for an upcoming translation.  i don't have a way to record video, so if you'd like to record yourself reading a chapter (preferably female but not necessary) then email me.  or if you know how to record a dog like, licking its lips/yawning and loop it, then record your voice over that in such a way that it looks like the dog is reading the book, that would be ideal.
that shit where it's impossible to explain to someone that no you don't agree/understand and you feel differently but you understand that s/he feels that way and you don't 'hate' them for thinkign that way so relax.
i nominate jereme dean for 'saint of the loners.'
aside from 'none' the type of legacy i'd like to have is 'guy who could jumprope pretty well.'
that shit where you find yourself staring at a plant because it looks like the air is bending around it, like from fire/heat, except you're inside
preparing for another sprint right into the tornado
the way people change the clothes/music/setting but don't see how it's all the same
all of the chicago lesbians i've met are cool as fuck
disdain/hate/aggression/desire for conflict are the most shunned emotions/inclinations, like mutilating the bull before the fight because otherwise you know how it will go
performance art piece where you try to be a generic/all-accepting fake asshole to make sure you don't bother anyone or make anyone 'not like you' so you can maintain some idea that you're not the weak/lonely/truly self-hating and worthless human who, at the very least, should be punished for stealing air/water/resources from any number of other worthwhile people/trees/rocks/bugs.
performance art piece where yeah you do some writing but it's more about being accepted/superficially befriended by as many people as possible, all the while acting like you're so alone.
when i'm reading through someone's bio/blog/whatever or listening to someone getting introduced at a reading, i just think, 'yeah yeah but are they from brooklyn?  yes or no!' just kidding that's like, the first and only thing mentioned.  

9.4.14

if you go to buy a piece of pizza/hotdog/cheesesteak and the employees aren't rude to you/don't insult you, just back out slowly with your hands up
recommended
that shit where whenever you're in a supposedly fun situation, you can't stop thinking about little kids with cancer or old people alone and people getting bullied and other shit like that.
that shit where sometimes you can't tell if things look like a cartoon/animation or regular

8.4.14

pacquiao vs bradley II
one of my fvorite ways to say 'fuck you' is to refuse a drink someone offers to buy for you
just laughed a lot thinking about doing something where, whenever anyone touches me in any way, i make a weird honking sound with my mouth open and my eyes closed
just scratched my head and found a small piece of broken glass in my hair
want to only have people in my life for whom i'd take a knife through the heart
is it a crime if you throw a net over a stranger but then help them out of the net
feel like i wouldn't be surprised if i woke up one day and felt my face and my head was made of legos.
'childlike hope/innocence/playfulness' are mostly bullshit in anyone over 15 or so
life like you're just swinging wildly at a mob of people coming at you because no, it won't be easy for them
much love to o'boy walking down the block with his fist straight out, then every once in a while tlking into the fist like it's a microphone.
could smell my dick/balls while pissing today and thought, 'well isn't THAT just a turkey in a handbasket.'
that shit where you sometimes see smoke coming off something but that's not really happening and you're not on drugs or anything
protect your people and fuck the rest
malort as a midwestern drink because you have to be proud of what's yours and take it down even when it isn't fancy or easy
most of the things offered as ways to be 'free' or an 'individual' are guaranteed to make you like everyone else
being around a bunch of people who are looking at shit on their phones and taking pictures of themselves to post then show each other as they're still in the same situation.
somebody just emailed me that there is no chapter 34 in 'person.'  

i'm going with 'it's supposed to be that way because like, (something about life always feeling incomplete/missing).'  
the difference between wanting people to like you/accept you and being pleased/comforted/honored that people have taken time to read and maybe enjoy your work.  like a high five and nothing else, in a waiting room.
when you a  see a small pile of coins and it feels like looking in the mirror
the art of interacting with people in a way where it's always the equivalent of passing them on the street with minimal eye contact.
the way you can be in a social situation where people are having fun and then you remember that there are people struggling and hurting and then everything 'fun' and 'entertaining' seems so petty and useless.
the change from trying to go unnoticed/untested, to being ready and willing for whatever, knowing that you've become that challenge for others, who do not want it.
that ever-present challenge to not hide who you are/what you really think in front of others who will not accept that in doing so you present them with the same challenge, like handing them a large rock that their arms aren't strong enough to hold yet
have felt interested, for a long time now, in cutting my face in ways that make it look decorated.
that feeling you get between like, 4am and 6 am, where you feel every emotion at once, and everything makes sense, but it's still all very sad, and you don't want to blame anyone for anything, nothing is anyone's fault, we're all just trying, but you don't want to try anymore, and nothing is dying or dead yet, but you'd gladly die for someone/something, and you know there's not enough of what everyone needs but you're willing to let someone else have your share, and everyone else is worth more than you, and something is about to climax but it doesn't, and it just slowly turns back into the normal world, where almost everyone is your enemy, and those who aren't, you just hope you die before them, and you hope they get what they need, only to find they never needed it and now it's too late to try for anything else.
strong urge to whip someone bloody with an extension cord
always thinking, 'i;ll make you into a little girl' about everyone i see
poem called 'falling asleep with a boner on the bus home as the sun's coming up and fuck you i don't give a fuck about anything.'

7.4.14

a solid way to terrify a stranger is to go up to him/her in the street and say, 'koofleckio streppins, i thought it was you!!' and then hold your hands up in a 'i'm going to get you!' manner while blocking every way they try to walk.
when two or more people are having a petty argumentative conversation that you are not in but are around, a fun thing to do is after someone says something, say, 'nyeahhh!!!!' while sneering at the person it was said to, then doing that every time anyone says anything
The Haphazardly Merry Travails of Detective Binklish Skeeglington
going to start enjoying life more by enthusiastically saying, 'i'll have whatever s/he's having!!' in random situations and/or after someone expresses something terrible
if i wrapped a dead pigeon in foil and threw it to you like a football, would you catch it? would you?
autobiography called 'things i've thought but never told anyone in any way' where it's a long list of things you've thought but never told any one or talked about in any way.
that terrible moment when you explain to someone that no you didn't use gel in your hair it's just very unclean
the way that getting wounded in any way is comforting because it's yours and you have something to take care of
looking for someone to bash my head to a mess with a baseball bat then gather the mess and freeze it so it's like another head and then eat that head like a popsicle.

6.4.14

chewing a huge wad of gum that has a bunch of other peoples' loose teeth in it seems like it would be pleasurable
thinking about shooting yourself in the head in the same tone/manner as thinking about what to eat for dinner
a person you hire to follow you around and randomly slap the back of your head in an upward motion, going upside your head and just shaking his/her head no while making eyecontact
a good prayer to say every night before bed is 'what's yours will be mine if i want it.'
a funny way to make people feel legitimately bad about smoking cigarettes is to act like a person from anti-smoking ads from 15-20 years ago, like where you aggressively ask them if they think they're cool for smoking, and say that potentially kissing them would be like kissing an ash tray, but act real serious the whole time, making unblinking eyecontact.
there are two kinds of toddlers--the ones who wave back and laugh when you wave to them with your eyes wide open, and those who turn away and look for his/her parent
had a 3 minute panic last night where i couldn't not imagine myself as existing within a spinning windmill, if that makes sense, like i'd close my eyes and see a windmill spinning and then open my eyes and feel like i was still spinning in the windmill.   hw's everyone doing?  like really
always feeling tuned
that shit where you look forward to having time alone like some people look forward to having a drink/doing drugs/whatever.
that dead moment when someone makes fun of your shitty haircut/clothing and you don't respond except for making eye-contact

4.4.14

and may i have the strength to reject the things i don't understand

3.4.14

new kind of social habit where it's ok to pound both fists down on whatever surface is nearest to you as a way to feel relief
remember that 90% of the shit people say to you is actually him/her asking you if s/he thinks that