31.3.14

sudden feelings of intense power that lead to aggressive/self-destructive behavior
it's always me against you
depressed sex-maniacs meet dot com

27.3.14

just laughed thinking about opening up a 'homemade windex' stand this summer
lost tupac track, 'Thug Brunch'
a good response to anything anyone says to you is to just look at them without blinking or making a face
trying to figure out if i should go with nude pictures or mindless promotion of others who are 'above me' to further my career
a good response to someone calling you a pussy is 'i might be a pussy but you're the one who's about to get wetted.'
haha 'career'
the original lyrics for 'ambitionz az a rida' were, 'i won't deny it, try the atkins diet, that shit really worked for me...'
wouldn't mind having something like cat-ears where my eyebrows are so i can cover my eyes whenever i want or like, brush things away
reality show called 'televised suicides'
according to most girls i talk to, they all have the most beautiful/smartest friends ever
going to start hitting myself in the head/face to deal with listening to conversations rather than trying to intervene and give input
going to start 'naked santa' next year where i sit naked in a chair in an alley, wearing a santa hat and beard and i let people sit on my lap and everyone gets a handful of rocks for coming to see me
if you like travelling and 'culture,' don't go to the main area of the city you're visiting, it's just a bunch of tourist assholes wandering around like you.
one thing that sucks about not really having friends is that i can't hold up my arm behind someone and then be like 'hey' and when the person turns around, my friend can push his/her face into my bare armpit
life like most days are the equivalent of coloring an entire coloring book one color and covering the entire page regardless of the image
is it legal to claim and live in a sandbox at a park (granted i'd have to defend it but i mean)
longer life expectancy leading to people sayign shit like '30 is the new 20' and then just being a lazy self-indulgent asshole who accomplishes less in 90 years than people have in half that time.
found an unpublished post on this blog called 'fuck you: an essay'
very few things make sense anymore.
'richard ramirez teeth' and 'hidden pissing'....

search terms that led here, or, my christmas list
story about a crab named Sneeglish Yumpkins who is mysteriously born in a litter box and wants to kill everyone but he's just a crab
searching for a way to keep that nut busted
peoples' inclination to label a book something/reference another author/movie rather than provide anything in depth.

26.3.14

charity called 'a boot big enough for it all.'
blues song called 'baby baby baby i'm gonna come inside you tonight.'
the always overlooked perspective that people who promote/teach 'self-help' are helping themselves
a funny thing to do if you were lying in the street bleeding out from gunshot wounds would be to try and eat one of those cheese and cracker packages, like where you use the red plastic thing to spread the cheese on the crackers.
experimental novel where, when you open it, it unloads a full clip into your face (or as much as it can before you fall over)
the ever-present attempt to not make two fists and hold them up by your head as you grind your teeth and breathe like a bull as you walk down the street
if you don't feel really fucking stupid when you eating out at a restaurant then....man i dont know

































posted this at the tumblr too

it looks better there (not cropped and less blurry)

25.3.14

vivid daydream of myself buying a sandwich at 7-11 then, while still at the register, unwrapping the sandwich and squeezing it in my hand while making an evil face and growlling, 'it has been done, m'lord.'
'plus size modelling.com' i know you've directed people to this site and vice versa. i know what you're doing. let's talk. let's do business. i'll support you and your crew and vice versa.  let's stop acting like we aren't on each other's radars.  let's get it crispy.  let's talk. your move.  
the surprisingly healthy/vigorous feeling of having given in to the things that were threatening you, letting them do whatever they can, then continuing on after they've left.

cluckers

this is funny.  

war mc clanahan.

fuck the tournament of books.  'rontel' was in it for one round.  i consider that a failure for even being included.  fuck anybody who reads your shit provided you're nice.  people talk shit about art-cliques mobbing up or whatever but if you dont kiss your audience's ass then they won't read your shit and all the righteous assholes come out and rally against you. the internet/mass communication has just streamlined incoporating everyone into one faceless stupid being.

fiction/books is the only place this will happen.  if you wrote a book called 'how to solve every problem in the world' and it could solve every problem in the world, and you were an asshole, people would still read that book.  but if it's fiction/art/whatever, then you have to be some generic fuckboy politician to succeed. scott/myself/anyone else who we associate with is a fucking idiot who can barely function.  don't worry about us not making money/being happy.   we're fucking idiots. but not quite as idiotic as people rallying against this shit like a bunch of cluckers.

fuck you if you don't like scott, fuck you if you are interested in a fake-ass bracket judging books, and fuck you if you think typing shit on facebook means anything.

the only true form of promotion is one person handing another person a book because they want it to spread. fuck all the rest.

war mc clanahan.

fuck political/diplomat artists.
endless moronic exposure is more important than whatever you actually create

success is mostly politics




video of a hermit crab changing shells with the song 'ambitionz as a rider' as the soundtrack
a fun/refreshingly honest way to abort a conversation is to--when asked 'what do you do/want to do?'-- just make eye-contact and with conviction, say, 'nothing, i dont do or want anything, like at all' then keep staring until they nod and accept it.
much love to all my people staying alive because it's more of a punishment than anything else

24.3.14

that age-old feeling of your teeth and nose itching in such a way that you want to push through them with a hanger/screwdriver/something
urge to leave a nice looking briefcase on the train, and inside the briefcase is a note that says, 'if you've found this, you're not far from the treasure' and then some directions and the directions lead to another briefcase that's just full of rocks, with a note that says, 'haha fuck you dummmy.'
charity drive called 'come on your own face for cancer'
knockout punch delivered while moving backwards
taking off my head and throwing it against the ground and it breaks open and there's an ice cream sundae inside and then i grow another head and eat the ice cream sundae out of the old head.
have enjoyed mildly hitting my forehead against things and/or hitting the bridge of my nose against them, like walls or poles or tables or whatever
10 minute intro skit on a rap album where the devil is begging the rapper for work
sometimes i have to put my left shoe on first otherwise i think the devil is going to get me
recent tendency to think 'i'm gonna eat you bitch' towards any/everyone i encounter
recent mannerism of smiling and doing random eye-widenings when i'm listening to someone
considered deliberately giving myself a kool-aid moustache every time i go out in public
'breathing meat' is a good description for anyone
euphoria resulting from feeling so terrible inside that you want to share it with the world.

23.3.14

yo fuck everybody though

20.3.14

AN ANALYSIS OF THE BABY IN THIS AD I SEE ON MY WAY TO WORK


here it is. i mentioned this baby/ad a while ago.  i see the ad every time i go to work.  it's in the mall transfer between washington blue line/red line.  i dont even know what the ad is for i just stop and look at the baby for a second and laugh then continue on. i probably will never be able to convey what this baby does for me, but, here's a couple thoughts.  1. he has the two bottom teeth (and i'm assuming two top teeth) and nothing else.  this creates an enjoyable 'insect pincers' affect. i often imagine myself in the corner of a room as he advances on me (in a crawl?  in his mom's arms like the picture?) and he is smiling and chomping down his pincers at me. 2. the way his arms are posed seems really funny, he's just like, being held up there all bunched up.  he has the 'negative wrists/knuckles' like where the fat creates a roll. the way he's being held also seems to convey, 'yo check this baby out, eh?'  3. his hair makes me laugh for some reason. can't seem to not think that he himself combed it that way, while chomping down his pincers and looking at himself in the mirror.  4. the size of his head.  every time i pass by the picture, i think a variation of 'check out THAT muffin' or like, 'lookatta size of THAT dumpling.'  5. every time i see the baby, i imagine him laughing like, 'nehehehehe' in like, a raspy voice.  overall, i'm very thankful that i have this little treat on my way to work.  the end.

18.3.14

immediately responding to someone 'no, that's not part of my world.'

13.3.14

made a website for some drawings

if you checked the link to see if i was going to direct you to something you might not want to see, don't be fooled by the name of the site, it's really just drawings, i named it 'facefuckingtittylicker' by accident because i just filled in some shit.  i'm serious. i know it might be hard to believe me but you have to believe me.
just resolved to have a lemonade stand this summer.
tattoo fundraiser for breast cancer called 'tat for tit.'
have any rappers referred to bullets as 'leeches.'
the best is joking around with someone/people where you're the only one who knows you're joking.
returned to normal consciousness after engaging in an argument with myself, as if i was two people, where i was saying, 'and i'm telling YOU, you can probably find a jumprope easier in italy than chicago.'
want to have a shorter/skinny friend who wears 3D glasses and a jeanjacket and then whenever anyone says anything to us, i laugh and nod towards the person who said something and tap my 3D glasses wearing friend and say, 'hey [name of person with 3D glasses], you hear that?  they [repeat whatever the person said].  how about that?'
non-religiously thinking, 'there's always another boss.'

12.3.14



sitcom bully named 'Koofhauer'
slowly sawing through the middle of your face with an electronic carving knife
note to future guys who need to tell me about an attractive woman in the room: no shit, dumbass
you never really hear about this but i'd imagine some really famous people hire smaller cats with duller claws to scratch their chest hair/head hair at the end of a long day
just to be clear i will come to your child's birthday party (and behave) for the price of a train card and three slices of pizza/one slice of cake/unlimited beverages.  
another day, another fantasy of stealing a carriage-ride horse downtown and riding it far away
randomly thought, 'well who stole the woobenswash then?!'
just non-sexually imagined a woman pissing into my mouth and then me spitting it up into the air to land on my head/face
the feeling of security that comes with garbage-water always smelling the same
one thing i'd like to shittalk as a 'nowadays' thing is how action movies have fallen off
one way to immediately alienate someone is to earnestly repeat what they just said, as if to confirm.
just imagined myself with a huge bowl of cereal, throwing spoonfuls against my face with my eyes wide open, saying, 'papa likes to have a lil cereal now and then, eh?'
a funny/refreshing way to think about your current actions is to imagine it a person in the future reading it to someone else.
one of the only things that makes me feel like i'm actually about to kill someone is when they do that thing in a handshake where you scratch the person's palm with a finger.
contract stipulation where instead of receiving any payment for your work, you mandate that the company pays for food/medical bills for up to and including 20 of your children
an easy thing to say to someone in a situation where there is no real need to respond outside of the social need to have someone respond to you, is 'Lookout!'
envisioning myself large enough to take the moon and earth in each hand and crush them together then rubbing the debri on my chest
current ideal death:  someone stomping a boot down my throat and crushing my organs, like stomping garbage down into a can
that look on a dog's face when it's out in public, kind of like, 'shit i'm a little nervous but i can handle this'
urge to hang out in the subway acting like i'm on my flip-phone then when someone stands near me, yell, 'goddamn it' and dramatically close my flip-phone, tap it against my hand a few times while shaking my head, then quietly say, 'there's still time' and run away.
another calm night spent shirtless with sweatpants on drawing while mumbling to myself and hoping there's an enormous creature sleeping at the bottom of the ocean that will soon wake up and come get me and place me on its shoulder while it stomps everyone/everything to crumbs

11.3.14

there's an interview here
imagined myself on a hidden camera show called 'how do you like your eggs' where someone just walks up to me when i'm not ready and says 'hope this is how you like your eggs' and then hits me in the head with a frying pan full of eggs.
 (^)
  *
whenever i hear someone say something about their friends my mind immediately edits 'friends' to 'pollutants.'
it'd be pretty fucking terrifying to wake up with a fruit rolllup glued to your face
famous blues musician 'Toe-Suckin' Willy Bilkins

10.3.14

low budget tv commercial for a kebab place where the owner of the restaurant is standing by a blindfolded person who is groping around near a plate of pita and the owner says, 'you're getting shawarma!'
a person going insane after someone tells them to put their hands in the air (like at a concert) and then the person can't stop thinking about how his/her hands are always 'in the air' somewhere.
music video where someone punts a basketball and the camera follows it around the world, different countries of people waving to the basketball as it flies by
snuggle-lord
a good way to feel calm/less aggravated is to try and eliminate any complaints i have or am about to make, because complaining creates a world where i'm not responsible or active
that moment when you say some shit that makes people laugh or shake their head and laugh and they say, 'what the fuck is wrong with you' and you want to tell them but you just shrug and smile.
that ad with the picture of the smiling baby in the mall at the redline/blueline transfer at washington.  that baby kills me every time.
a calm life of wanting to test myself and see what i can do and not just be ok while at the same time not attributing any worth to anything i do outside of having done it, all the while accepting in advance the failures and the disappointments.
life like trying to throw a paper airplane through a brickwall
bloody fingers from climbing the sharp wall of everyone's bullshit
sports team called the '[city] bagel drug monkey killers'
fantasy of drinking someone's ashes (mixed with water duh) then pissing them out
had to google 'want to wear your ass like a ski mask' because i couldn't remember if i heard that somewhere or just made it up.
the beautiful feeling of returning to emotions/situations again and working through them in a way that feels like progress but just leads to the next turn in the return.
recipe for a 'malortini'

3 oz of malort
little citron vodka
couple dashes of bitters
some maraschino cherry juice


7.3.14

really excited to announce my next book, 'The Clabtabulous Mental Buffoonery of Elgar M. Swinkleberry and His Re-Virpulating Fog Mechanism.'

5.3.14

preferably 'Thumbs Down Lit' or 'Nutball Lit'
momentarily feared being arrested for how loud my armpits are right now
recurring fantasy of being shirtless and taking like ten shots to the chest and looking at the holes and having one moment being able to appreciate the true beauty before dying
increasing romantic attraction to whoever is in my head saying things like 'hey just remember you suck haha' and other similar things.
email me if you would like to review/whatever the 'king cobra ep'     sampinkisalive  at gmail  dot com
 
the tape and the digital tracks will be available soon.

'soon soon you're a balloon' (if you can name that reference withtout looking it up i'll send you something free)

new YF tracks in the oven, thumbs down for life, burning inside for life, chicagods/Northwest mob, lazy fascist, baby jeezer, hollywood D, no hope all stars, crumbkillers, killer-lovers, suicide fanclub we out here dying, gentleman psycho til the world blow, respect love and hugs for people decorating their graves with ripped up grass etc.
my cat rontel's nickname is 'little loitzl'

4.3.14

did you hear the one about the armless glass-man who got arrested?

apparently he got caught looking for 'new clear arms.'
urge to break into someone's garage while they're gone and just sit in a chair with my back to the door so when they come home and open the door to park, they see me with my back turned and then i just stand up, turn around, put on some sunglasses and run.
hammering an upside down crown into your head with one swing of a giant hammer
that moment when you catch yourself thinking something about how something should have gone then you laugh and shake your head, thinking something like, 'look at me acting like i matter ha!'
popular reality tv show called 'how many lunchables can you eat?' where a halfassed comedian host travels around the country and stages lunchable eating competitions, including the most heinous 'can't use any of the crackers' challenge
nothing makes me want to like, turn into dust and blow away more than when someone says 'smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile, come on why don't you smile more!?'
any and all bad news/situations could be lessened if someone took out a picture of a baby with just its top two and bottom two teeth, smiling
there should be something like catholic confession but where you just go into a booth and there's a stranger on the other side and you tell the stranger what you really think about yourself for as long as you need to.
blues song called 'i got the painful boner blues'
imagining myself laying on my back as someone shovels rocks over my face
need to come up with an effective stock phrase to refuse people when they try to show me a video on their phone.
one long moment of questioning whether or not you are adding and subtracting the right amount from the world/others, interrupted by periods of knowing you aren't, interrupted by periods of not caring at all, interrupted by that special kind of panic that happens an hour before you go to sleep, interrupted by waking up and laying there looking up, interrupted by short-term goals, interrupted by remembering the lack of a long-term goal, interrupted by wanting to give away any and everything you could, interrupted by wanting to return to some old feeling, interrupted by realizing how you feel now will be desirable in a year or two, interrupted by a moment of questioning whether or not you've become a better or worse person, interrupted by people using you and you using them, interrupted by just feeling like going for a walk, only to return to wondering whether or not you're doing what you want to do or if even doing what you want to do is something you want to do.

3.3.14

returned to active thinking after involuntarily thinking about me using a shoulder-mounting canon to shoot a dinosaur in the face
book called 'snowshovelling broken glass out of one dumpster into another dumpster so the first dumpster isn't too heavy to move.'
side project performance art thing where you only answer interview questions with aggressive usage of 'fuck you.'  like if they ask 'what style would you say your work is' say, 'i'd say it's um.....i don't know, fuck you style?  heard of it?'  
urge to wear a hat fashioned from a ziplock bag
when someone tries to explain to you that they don't feel bad because homeless people who sleep outside on -20 degree nights are choosing to do that
new sport called 'Clunklebussin' where two people make helmets out of mashed up bananas, then 'glob' it onto their head and headbutt each other until one quits.
imagine, if you will, a world where when someone asks, 'how you doing?' if you dont answer right away they grab you by the chin and say, 'answer me damnit.'
chapbook called 'nodding my head yes through the glass window on the front of your eye.'
really well-done/dramatic full length courtroom movie where during the final trial, the key piece of evidence is revealed in the testimony of the esteemed Dr. Chugglish Del Coobinshmaleetzi.
internet video called 'lunchmeat dude' where i dress up in umbros and like six winter coats and walk around throwing slices of lunchmeat at random people, while saying things like, 'so this is how it has to be done huh!? huh!? yeah yeah, fine. FINE!'
missed connection:

you: older woman who got onto the train and sat down and loudly asked the entire car if anyone wanted a hamburger.

i wanted one but didn't say anything
became confused after thinking, 'man i wonder what happened to mr. squiggly'--in reference to an imaginary being who controlled my conscience but was just made-up at the moment when i wondered what happened to him
death by tying a rope to a high treebranch, then around your neck, then jumping out of the tree
comicbook-movie villain whose power is to make you think you badly have to shit but then you never do and no one ever finds out who the villain is because s/he does it slyly and not to gain anything
noticed i'd been daydreaming about holding an empty bottle in one hand then yelling (to some faceless person) 'is this what you want from me?!' then hitting the bottle against my head until the bottle breaks or i can't do it anymore, yelling 'huh!?' in between each hit
just realized that 'well, if you ask me' is implied in every sentence/thing you say

congratulations to juliet escoria and scott mcclanahan on their engagement.  two people i like.

2.3.14

love at first sight with an acne-faced teenager walking down the street holding a miniature car in his hand and talking to it, then putting it up to his ear to listen.