publicly daring the next young 'big house' author to take an advance then hand in a book of complete bullshit (not like, the normal bullshit that would be ok to publish, like, true bullshit and nonsense).        
sometimes you give yourself a decent looking haircut and think, 'hey that's a pretty good haircut' and sometimes you give yourself a decent haircut and think, 'hey that's a pretty good haircut but i still hope me and my cat die in our sleep tonight holding each other.'


RIP vic and blake

may each of your killers die slow


that deep fucking sadness that results from listening to any number of middle-aged men discuss mainstream sports from a managerial/coach's perspective.


thinking, 'now what, motherfuckers' when you look out your window at the world, 100% sure there is nothing left to make you happy and so no way to hurt you anymore.
imagined myself walking around with a big bag of gumballs and handing them out yelling, 'everybody loves GUMBALLS ehhhh!!!!'
just thought 'hold onto my back as tight as you can while i fuck you' as a non-sequitur
when you're walking around not sure if people can tell that they could probably knock you over with one finger vs when you're walking around totally sure everyone knows they're not knocking you over no matter what.
that feeling that you would be a lot calmer if you knew that you've made some of your feelings felt by others in a way that is as accurate as they can be felt.  like sharing.
extremely pleasant fantasy of rocketing through space for years and years in a small vehicle that's blasting 'heart of glass' as i nod my head a little


the first part of you they kill is the sweetheart
billboards/subway advertisements that just read, 'who fucked you up?'
the almost unnoticeable difference between not communicating with people because you don't want to communicate with them and not communicating with people because you don't want to communicate with anyone or anything.
the slow and unnoticeable change in characterizing positive feelings as 'happy' or 'joyous' to 'being a magical viking.'
would describe how i perceive every situation i'm in now as 'settling this shit right the fuck now' then interacting at a level of consciousness that is barely above plantlife.  .  
to deflect some people all you have to do is look right at them and make no expression and respond, 'what?'
that level where anything that interrupts your staring and not moving feels terrible.