RIP rontel. you were five. why did you get so skinny. i love you.
feel like film reached its most beautiful moment in 'sudden death' with that shot of van damme pressing his face and hands up against the glass at the hockey rink, breathing that steam and screaming 'noooooooooooooo' right before the bomb is supposed to go off, but like, no one around him knows what's going on because they're all cheering.
that terrible tense feeling in almost every situation that other people are being insane and you're losing your mind because you don't understand how many steps back you have to take to explain why that person is insane but you want to like cancel them out in some absolute way, like completely ruin them and erase them from even your own memory but it all hurts and you truly don't fear dying because even though yeah you probably don't understand dying you definitely know it won't be the same as all the shit you deal with living so why not
i'm at this artist residence currently where it's like jail but i live alone and there aren't any guards and i still have to go to work and i still have to pay rent and there aren't any meals provided and there aren't any other artists and i don't have to write i mostly draw instead of write because the headaches from the heat make it hard to focus.
afterlife that is slightly longer than your bodily life where you watch a movie (with voiceover) of your bodily life and how it should've went (according to some ultimate 'should' that you can't argue with) and you just sit there watching it, slowly crying--not like an active sobbing but just making no face and not blinking as tears come out of your eyes--and then when it's over you are fully dead and have no more interaction with any world (physical/spiritual/whatever) again and you don't know anybody and nobody knows you.
kind of weird that the idea of anything you do being pointless (and selfish), including continuing to live at all, isn't more widely acknowledged and communicated on a daily basis (in a nondramatic/non-pessimistic/logical way [sort of like, 'hey, did you know!') to people both young and old.
courtroom revenge show called 'I Got Your Back!' where whoever is found guilty has to take off his/her shirt and have hot food placed on his/her back for a certain amount of time. the audience chooses the food by cheering as the judge points to different foods on a chart.
'for weeks now, you run and you talk in your sleep.
you shook me awake to announce: you're never alone.
spring was confusing a little bit scary
summer was much of the same
by winter you ran with the night, never came home.
scream bloody murder the mountains are listening.
vultures mistook you for dead, bloody.
how can you sleep when you can't pull the teeth from your eyes.'