that terrible tense feeling in almost every situation that other people are being insane and you're losing your mind because you don't understand how many steps back you have to take to explain why that person is insane but you want to like cancel them out in some absolute way, like completely ruin them and erase them from even your own memory but it all hurts and you truly don't fear dying because even though yeah you probably don't understand dying you definitely know it won't be the same as all the shit you deal with living so why not