28.2.15

IMPROVISED OVERLY NEGATIVE REVIEW #5: PEOPLE WHO TRY TO AGGRESSIVELY PUSH OPEN THE SIDE DOOR ON THE BUS

hey einstein, can you read?  HA! didn't think so*. because if you could, you'd see that on the sidedoor of the bus, it says 'to open door, touch here.'  TOUCH! not push. not shoulder. TOUCH. what's that? you tried to push it open but it didn't move so you pushed harder?  that makes sense.....NOT! here, let me help you. let me take your STUPID hand in my mine and touch it to the door, which will set off the sensor and let us all off. BOTTOM LINE....FUCK YOU DUMMY! YOU, QUITE FRANKLY, SUCK!

(* actually i hope you can read, so you can read this and know how much you FUCKING SUCK! haha!)

IMPROVISED OVERLY NEGATIVE REVIEW #4: THE PAPERTOWELS MY ROOMMATE BOUGHT

sooooooo, i'm supposed to dry my hands with you?  i'm supposed to dry up spills with you?  YEAH RIGHT! with your thin, see-thru ass bullshit!  if i wanted to dry my hands off or wipe the counter down with something the consistency of spider-webbing, i'd buy a shitload of spiders and harvest their webs and wrap them around a cardboard roll.  so guess what, FUCK YOU! YOU FUCKING SUUUUUUUUUUCK!
anyone else--every time you're in a cab--always expect the driver to just turn around and say, 'goodnight' and shoot you in the face?
a funny/nice thing to when someone says, 'your cock feels so good inside me' is 'hey, you're right!'

27.2.15

IMPROVISED OVERLY NEGATIVE REVIEW #3: STARBURST GUM

hey, starburst gum, you think you're fucking awesome...but i got news for you...YOU SUCK! two minutes into chewing a piece it felt like i was eating stinky pussy that was frothing out bubblegum flavored toothpaste. wanna know something?  I HATE YOU!  FUCK YOU! BE BETTER!

IMPROVISED OVERLY NEGATIVE REVIEW OF SOMETHING #2: P**** AND M***'S PIZZA

blocked out your name because overall you know how much i love you, but the other day when i tried to order two jumbo slices and the guy at the register waved his hand in protest and said, 'one is enough' i just about LOST MY SHIT! i'll fucking tell you what's enough! so, what, when you say i owe you $6.50 can i just wave my hand in your face and say 'five is enough!' yeah, thought so. YOU SUCK, A LITTLE! FUCK YOU!

IMPROVISED OVERLY NEGATIVE REVIEW OF SOMETHING #1: 'CAFE LUIGI'

hey cafe luigi, i really enjoyed your 'pizza'....NOT! if i wanted a piece of wet cardboard covered in spongy mushrooms, i'd tear a box apart and soak it and then add spongy mushrooms to it and try to eat it. YOU SUCK!  FUCK YOU!
the overemphasis placed on crying

26.2.15

in support of criminalizing almost all of eyehategod's riffs.
much love to my current pair of dollar store headphones, you've outlasted your normal life expectancy of three weeks by three whole weeks!  here's to you, baby!
recommend--if you're a straight guy--catcalling straight guys

25.2.15

free postcard design


editing text is like playing with blocks/legos
going to make sure i buy a three-foot party sub next time it snows that way when i'm on a packed bus, shoulder to shoulder with people, i can produce it from my coat and start eating it.
going to make sure i have a huge bag of candy in my backpack next time it snows that way when i'm on a completely packed bus shoulder to shoulder with people i can yell out, 'already everybody gets a piece, let's make it gets around before taking a second piece all right?'
surprised no one has mentioned/suggested 'being an individual' as a potential solution to sexism and racism and other problems where someone views you as something you're not and you view people as something they're not.
R.I.P. having your own opinion and not getting shunned or attacked for it in a way that is meant to change how everyone views you and/or ruin your life
was taking a piss in a public bathroom the other day and there was one guy next to me and one guy in the stall shitting. the guy next to me said, 'how bout a courtesy flush huh?' nobody said anything but if i wwas the guy shitting i'dve said, 'how about a courtesy "not fucking talking to me while i'm shitting"'  
when the highlight of your day/week/whatever is 'participating' in an online feud/debate
all the ego of the individual without any of the work
overall impression that people are becoming way less humorous/incapable of separating political/social views from humor

24.2.15

that 'spiders in my head' type of depression
recurring feeling of anger that i didn't die in a war so now what
that timeless pleasant feeling of 'at odds with everything.'
current culture of just dismissing people who don't like you/are 'haters' rather than engaging them
looking for the female equivalent of the 'paranoid, antisocial montana cabin hermit'
the shit people do with/consider their freedom is pretty funny sometimes.
that special kind of bombastic asshole tone of a blurb.
if anyone wants to be my 'chicago agent' and book readings at bookstores/schools/apartments i'll split the money 50/50 with you. there's usually a decent amount of people at them.  hit me up at  sampinkisalive  at g   mail dot com
encouraging people to ask genuine questions on this account, before he stops doing it.  jereme is the dude. there is no one like him. long live the crumbbuster and his family. much love
people get really weirded out when you are naturally polite or sincere with them, or do something kind for no reason
when you completely question who you are while taking a piss and randomly feeling deep emotions for barney the dinosaur and what he represented
people who have tons of friends and a lively social life expressing depression and isolation and insanity on twitter or their blog or whatever
proof of people being total shit is the internet (the largest tool for self-expression and borderless communication and freedom of speech) being used to promote conformity, mass ridicule, and hollow creativity.
university-level class called 'what you write doesn't really matter as much as networking and playing the game, seriously, 101'
representing the place where you live rather than using it to represent you
that magical way people forget their manners and respect when being served by someone at a restaurant or bar
can always tell the sexually-frustrated, mama's boy writer by how much senseless torture and killing and raping and maiming he describes in his 'avant garde' art
i enjoy the actual reading part of doing readings.  if anyone wants me to read let me know.

23.2.15

gotta find a way to convince current (and most future) writers to become E! analysts or people on those shows where they have people talk about other shows, or like, remembering past decades by simply recounting them and throwing in a lame joke.
foresee hardcore punk attitude/lifestyle making a comeback soon based on how conformist and conventional everyone is becoming

an amazon review of person

complete review:

"I know people with mental issues. I don't need to read their ramblings. I don't enjoy hearing them in person, and I don't enjoy reading them on a page."

thanks to anyone who's recommended or lent out a book.

 


22.2.15

i'm reading tomorrow/today, monday february 23rd at uncharted books in logan square.  it's going to be like 20-30 below zero but if you don't come you're a fucking loser and i hope you get your face smashed in with a brick and die.

21.2.15

sending out the signal of 'i'm with you' to other depressed people having trouble as you do pushups in your room at night.  that's all there is.

20.2.15

smiling at some entitled asshole knowing how beautiful that split second would be when you change the look on their face
Manny Pacquiao vs. Floyd Mayweather

147 pounds

May 2nd

MGM Grand


new style of cv/resume where instead of listing where you've been published and what awards you've won, you list meaningful interactions with people who've contacted you after reading your writing.

19.2.15

gravestone that just says 'suck my dick.'

or 'suck my dick i'll never die.'
no greater feeling of dread than during a moment of seeming happiness, knowing that happiness is life's '1' in the '1-2' combo
today's b.o. is a classic, 'fish boiled in piss' fragrance, with juuuust a touch of burnt rubber
first unselfconscious/earnest grandpa joke today when i walked into the grocery store and asked an employee if the groceries were free because of the cold
condition where you always fall in love with the plump 60-something-year-old waitresses at taco places
rejection is either the cause for increased effort/victory, or a reason to complain and accomplish nothing
i wouldn't let you lick the salt off my boot if you were seconds away from dehydration
a can of mountain dew on the sidewalk frozen in mid pour. dont complain about the cold be glad you can experience it because it's another beautiful way to be reminded you're ultimately powerless.

18.2.15

things that are, to me, radical now: being able to change, being assertive, being able to question yourself even when you are assertive, not having a final opinion on anyone, being able to have an opinion on someone's actions but still knowing that's a small part of everything, not wanting other people opinions to be like yours necessarily, not trying to convince people of your opinion, viewing yourself as the most important person to please in creative endeavors, having an opinion but respecting people with a different one, being truly ok with failure knowing there are more opportunities, not needing validation, being able to be earnestly negative, accepting bad feelings, being able to dislike something when you are in the minority or alone, pride in yourself that doesn't extend to blindness/alienating others, walking to get somewhere, and probably some other things i can't think of right now

17.2.15

new kind of terrorism where you disengage as much as possible from mainsteam culture and all of its petty rewards and empty distractions and useless disputing, always standing up for yourself and people  you love without fear or shame or hesitation, even if it leaves you completely broke, alone and depressed, for as long as you are breathing, without compromise or question, asking for nothing in return and expecting even less, with enough self-love and self-hatred as is necessary to remain balanced, no matter what the situation, always and forever until rewarded with death as a person you are proud to be and have been, linking with none through artificial similarities, feeling both always in love and always willing to hurt hate or humiliate anyone and anything bold enough to ask for it.  
hoping for a world where everyone, when handed back their shit, nods a little and starts eating it without saying a word
guys that say and do terrible things to women are the ones who get hilariously angry if you talk shit in a completely joking way about their mom.
new response to bullshit/irrelevant shit where you put your finger over your lips and say, 'shhhhh' then wink
almost beautiful the personality mechanisms people have developed to neutralize people they don't agree with or feel insecure around.

16.2.15

only assholes use the devil-horns sign and not the peace-sign to signal 'two'
don't let any tell you you can't eat a bowl of cereal in the shower
sitting at the kitchen table in the dark waiting for your roommate to get home so when he does and flips on the lights you can be sitting there to say, 'so...are we just going to keep acting like  you didn't take my scissors from the bathroom?'

14.2.15

'the year is 2016...and all is well with the world...or is it? a growing shortage of crumbs has lead those in the know to begin manufacturing artificial crumbs for a starving populace....'

(cut to a shot of a frazzled looking scientist reading a printout in a lab.)

scientist: these numbers....they can't be right. we don't have much time....

(scientists wheels chair over to a cage with lab rats in it, holding cellphhones. the scientist watches for a moment then drops a few artificial crumbs [krum-methyl642-hydracetaphyll] into the cage and watches as the rats slowly take to the crumbs)

scientist: n'yes! perfect! yesssssss!
if you'd rather point a gun at your face than a cameraphone, give me a kiss on the cheek
whatever the opposite of marriage is, with each new encounter, all the time
psychological problems: the perfect way to be perceived as an unpredictable asshole to others in a way where they think that's just who you are
afterlife of living forever as a fetus inside an immortal bear
that 'early morning bad breath quick sex'
the only satisfying art is fucking up something good you did and trying to do it again
viewing the angel on your one shoulder as the ventriolquist dummy for the devil on your other shoulder
viewing creative things you make as both a signal to future friends and an undying shit on someone's carpet
the way people reflexively attack a work for 'trying to be edgy but not being edgy at all' when no one said anything about that.  as if peoples' projected reaction to it is part of the work.
a clown pissing on a grave slowly turning his head to look over his shoulder at you
if anyone in chicago has hbo and wouldn't mind me watching ggg vs murray next saturday, hit me up   sampinkisalive   at  gmail DOT com
that special kind of bullshit you overhear from bookstore/coffeeshop employees
reminder that cool/hip new 'locally-minded' bars and establishments pushed away a large group of homeless people in logan square, or as i like to think of it, wrigleyville for pretentious art assholes

don't forget to catch me read at uncharted books in logan square on february 23rd yall!
if you dropped jereme dean off in the middle east, a video would surface a couple weeks later of him sitting in a chair while two masked men combed his hair and two others painted his nails while three others bathed his dog.
the way people try to categorically shun or eliminate someone/thing they don't agree with
always read 'laugh out loud funny' as 'author is an asshole'
the internet and open publishing allow you to do/say whatever you want.  so why does everyone act the same? and why is everyone so critical and condemning of anything outside that sameness?
(NOT YET TITLED) (A LONG POEM)

available to be published by whoever offers me something nice/let's me do the cover/final say on edits

SAM PINK BLOG

RONTEL 2: THE GARBAGE TIMES  (A NOVEL)

available to be published by whoever offers me something good, and let's me do the cover/gives me final say on all edits

SAM PINK BLOG

tired of barely getting by with money. should i engage is sweeping fake-optimistic pandering or just kiss dennis cooper's ass?
remember when this writing/art scene were more about making and sharing things, mostly for free and without pettiness?
feel like not too long ago people remembered that celebrities and forcefed culture were the enemies, part of an obvious system of bullshit.  i miss that
the shitty videogame of trying to maintain relationships out of fear
perfect death of being mid-conversation and being like 'yeah i know what you m---..' and then freezing in that position and turning gray and falling to ash on the ground
remake of 'KIDS' where the only thing different is insttead of that 'i have no legs' guy it's me and i'm just a head on a small scooter propelled by a handheld fan scooting across the floor on a new york subway saying, 'i have no friends, i have no friends' and trying to bite anyone who offers me money
that deep breath of relief after giving up on any kind of meaningful human relationship except with yourself as you wait for a rock to fall and kill you
not anti-social but anti-everyone-individually-on-their-own-terms
that classic dream where you spend what seems like all night picking pieces of broken glass out of the entirety of your body--small pieces, big pieces--feeling it the whole time.
responding to anything anyone says about a new movie/tv show/song/controversy/whatever with 'i reject you.'
responding to 'hey what's up' with 'my head is full of bugs and broken glass and i need help.'

13.2.15

20 year anniversary of  benn vs mcclellan

12.2.15

wishing you  were never born means you'd never be able to wish for it
that shit where if you don't use a lot of exclamations or a smiley/winking face in your texts people think you hate them
that annoying, know-it-all/beyond it all/can't fail attitude that comes when you're no longer romantic
that shit where the older, already-way-deader you just smiles and pats the head of the younger, still-naive-enough-to-try-and-have-a-life you.

'to bring you my love' by pj harvey


And I've traveled over
Dry earth and floods
Hell and high water
To bring you my love

Climbed over mountains
Travelled the sea
Cast out of heaven
Cast down on my knees
I've laid with the devil
Cursed god above
Forsaken heaven
To bring you my love

To bring you my love
To bring you my love
To bring you my love

 

11.2.15

'fearlessly, the idiot faced the crowd.'  
that almost magical awe at how many ways people can fuck you over
some of that classic, crushing, humbling depression.
another day another bloody q-tip

10.2.15

looking for tips on how to not (always) come off as 'so aggressive and confrontational'

7.2.15

when someone calls you judgmental they mean they don't agree with that particular judgment.
'well, i'm a writer, an essayist, diarist, and scrapbookist, soooo...'
props to all the once-beautiful people who were ruined and fucked over by one or more members of this weasel society
espousing stray-dog animosity, where you try to avoid people out of distrust and dislike, but attack with pure hatred if fucked with
hey guys, you don't 'have game' if your game is getting a girl too drunk to know that she's about to fuck your loser ass.
for that 'other people' podcast, the host was initially worried about our interview not being interesting enough (as he told someone else via email minutes after we finished) because i wasn't enough of a fake dicksniffing fuckboy writer, and now it's under 'premium content' and you have to pay to hear it.
viewing every interaction as one on one with no prior ideas about myself or the other person.
man, young white professionals love theyselves some studio gangster music don't they!
often find myself thinking, 'you're just a fucking goon' to myself
people who get upset about the use of the word 'pussy' as an insult forget that 'dick' and 'asshole' are also insults as well as body parts.
so like, logan square is where columbia college sends the baristas it trained right?
fucking hate people who act like they never get mad/depressed/angry
lesson of the day is to not eat any more breakfast sandwiches from 7/eleven
self-identify as a lone hyena birthed from a corpse satan fucked
not part of any team
my reality is such that my boss could, if she wanted, come into my place of work [where she has never worked a second in her coddled life] and fire me for absolutely no reason and i wouldn't even be able to get unemployment via the company's bullshit tactics.  
people people, please, you have to start different twitter accounts....1 for noncommittal/generalized social justice and the other for tweeting narcissistic pictures of yourselves/tweets about being lazy and aimless and ordering food online while watching netflix all day at your parent's house.
beware the over-promoter, like they with too many friends, for they speak fake tongues!
way-up when up, and so down when down
yes, part of the editing process is lifting up a boxer leg once in a while and slapping my dick idly and nonsexually
it's never really a bad idea to, in public where a lot of people are seated, motion to various sections and do a semi-splits-while-flexing-and-holding-your-hand-up-to-your-ear-motion and tell them you can fucking hear them
that shit where you feel weird but don't understand why then realize it's because you showered, shaved, washed your clothes and put on deodorant all on the same day.
[top ten article about something not really important]
pointless nonfiction book of rants with me on the front making an exagerrated frown and pointing at the camera, titled 'fine, you don't want to have wendy's with me and then have sex, fine, fuck you!'
seriously like the most romantic thing i could ever say to someone is 'i want to buy you wendy's and have sex with you.'
unashamed negativity all in your motherfucking face
people, we are closer now to cancelling out any weird people/individualistic thoughts than we ever have been!  i can feel it! we can do this, cmon! believe!
success as mostly bullshit
often feel insecure in an almost itchy way that i'm not nearly cold enough to the right people.
beginning to view everything as already known/explained
hey guys, i just can't keep quiet about this latest minor controversy about the thing where everyone has an idea about a thing unrelated to them (and misinterpreted anyhow) and exchanges meaningless arguments with each other in a 'doing it to be seen doing it because i seen someone else doing it' fashion. and i'd like everyone to know goddamnit that i have an opinion on the thing we're all talking about this week. so no longer will i be quiet about the thing i'm supposed to know about according to media outlets both corporate and socially constructed and i will be heard!
retired human

6.2.15

advise you to, at random--when in conversation with someone and your back's turned-- say, 'what?' in a confrontational/dramatic voice then slowly turn your head to look at them sideways over your shoulder and say, 'what do you know about [whatever they just said]'
if i were granted the ability to punch through a brick wall, i would only use it once--at a random person's house after they ask if i like [type of food], to which i'd reply, 'fuck yeah i like [that food]' then flex and go, 'fuuuuuuuuck' before punching through the brick wall.
feeling invincible to others' mockery/criticism/harm in greeting them as the one already standig there pointing and laughing at your beaten-dead ass.
all-day everyday unexpressed primary goal of 'how low can you go'
people, i know it's been said, but it is never less true: thumbs way the fuck down.  so fucking down.
suicide note that says, 'this is everyone's fault but mine.  fuck you.'
'sifting through the pieces of the broken prize.'

4.2.15

experimental film where it's a half hour of me going up to a sleeping baby animal and saying, 'goodnight, baby [type of animal]' and kissing it on the head then moving on to the next one.  
walking up to someone at a food court and grabbing him/her by the wrists and saying in a raspy voice, 'give me the code goddamn it!' then letting go of their wrists and staggering backwards while holding both sides of your face and turning around and running away
bumper sticker that says, 'stay away from me or i'll kill you, motherfucker.'
going up to someone sitting on the bus and pointing down at his/her lap with  eyebrows raised and saying, 'here cool?'
a single hyena
new response where  you pause, act like you're choking a little, then slowly pull out a message from inside your mouth and read it, saying, 'fuck  you' while making eye contact until whatever happens happens.
that shit where a girl like, declares how great/awesome/magical her friends are and if you do anything other than completely agree she attacks you.

3.2.15

one thing i like about dogs is they immediately like or don't like someone and it's based on instinct alone.
making eye-contact on the bus to try and communicate 'do you want to rot with me' to someone you think is attractive
walking down the street crosseyed looking at your own breath thinking, 'i seriously don't get why anyone would want to spend any amount of time with me.'