30.3.15

had to stop walking and laugh when a car slowly rolled by me at a stoplight and a big-ass dog made eyecontact from the passenger window until out of view
a book can't be 'honest'
the nice thing about everyone's inclination to document everything is that future generations will have no problem seeing what kind of assholes we all were
just remembered working at a daycare, where the phrase if someone started whining was 'you get what you get and you dont get upset' and then when george bush jr was re-elected and the teachers at the daycare were whining abotu it i said, 'you get what you get and you don't get upset' and it got the laughs.

28.3.15

i'm really good at sweet-talking/charming old ladies but i never know how to transition into asking them on a date
laughed today when i saw a college athlete crying after losing, knowing how many people he probably made feel like shit all throughout school.
hey, just my opinion or whatever, but if you've ever been a part of a bachelorette/bachelor party then....fuck you , you're terrible and i hate you and i hope you die

26.3.15

the rarely-used but always-correct response of making the 'crazy/cuckoo' gesture with one finger while pointing at yourself.
quick advertisement for a courtroom drama where the lawyer slams down his/her hands in front of the witness and says, 'just admit it, you wuv peppawoni!'
hour-long news report called 'water: when is enough enough?' where it opens with water being poured into a glass, overflowing, and a voice-over says, 'we all know what water is...but when is enough enough?' and then for an hour a reporter interviews people on the street about how they feel about water in its various uses, including having some people drink a cup and talk about it.
in 2020(?) a person with anything resembling a unique unbiased thought will be elected president based on people thinking s/he is a magician.
judging a potential mate by how much she will help dilute the rampant and near-insane paranoia passed down paternally

25.3.15

chicago doom

support Bongripper
if anyone is having trouble deciding on a name for their newborn, might i suggest 'Skurblington Glubnik'

24.3.15

'chugs dick' instead of 'this sucks.'

23.3.15

momentary feeling of religion/blessing when i woke up today to half a foot of snow, thusly shitting on everyone's high-hopes for the spring-like weather we'd been having. HAHHAH!
judging what's good in your life based on if it makes you feel better about dying (since it convinces you, even if for a little bit, that there is a point and it's not all random)  

judging what's bad in your life based on if it makes you feel better about dying (since at least there is an end to it) 
that moment when you encounter your landlord in the gangway and it's snowing out and he says, 'are you ok?' and you say, 'yeah why?' and he says, 'because you're barefoot.'
the unparalleled calmness of sitting at a table in the grocery store cafe area and just staring
entitlement 101: bachellorette party at a bar
there's an instagram for my drawings. it should have all 70+ drawings up soon.  thank you erica chang for your help. i dont run the site so if you try to contact me through it or whtever, i dont know.
thing where anytime anyone gets within three feet of you, you get on your hands and knees and ram the top of your head at his/her feet/ankles until they leave.

19.3.15

action-thriller novel taking place entirely inside the narrator's head as the narrator tries to make it back to his/her room after work.

17.3.15

predominant mental state of telling myself to settle the fuck down
silently entertained myself for like thirty-seconds by imagining myself in a high-stakes situation where i have to quietly undo and add more weight to an adjustable dumbbell while the bad-guy sleeps close by.  
this is pretty good
brief vision of three little fairies dressed like the 'nasty boyz' flying around a kid's rattail and braiding it.
recommend sleeping in a very dark room with a 'woodwick' candle burning (the candle that recreates the 'soothing crackle' of a campfire!) if you want to wake up and briefly think you are in a cave on a magical journey
'writer's block' as too many crumbs and animal hairs beneath the keys of your keyboard
the box that a 'magic bullet' blender comes in makes a great desk if you sit on the floor with your legs extended on either side of it.
the way music journalists try to describe the sound of a heavy band is always funny to me
the quick and decisive counter-argument to 'people are inherently good' is 'go to a chicago bar the saturday before st. patrick's day.'

12.3.15

the eternal question, 'why does my room smell like piss kind of?'
it's always ok to say 'you're not saying much' but never 'you're talking too much'
valentine's day card that says, 'fuck it, i'd eat the garlic out of your (whistling sound) if you had a yeast infection'
one stereotype/caricature that no one will ever protest, even if they're italian, is the 'pudgy chef with a moustache holding a pizza doing the fingers and thumb together gesture with one hand.'
modified form of cuddling called 'gruddling' where you just lay your weight across someone so they can't move
willing to write a series of  'slices across the country' articles for 'Pizza Today' magazine for little more than funding.
that awesome moment when you remember you don't have to be that serious about whatever you're writing because it's not science so you can do whatever you want. shift change between uptight dad and laughing devil.

11.3.15

saying, 'sorry i've just been absolutely noodlenuggets lattely' to explain how you've been acting/feeling.
'no, YOU listen!' seems like a good thing to say walking down the street alone
carrying around a shitty cardboard replica of a gear-shifter so during a conversation, if someone says something you don't like, you can dramatically put the gear in 'reverse' and review the topic, or if you like what you're hearing, put it in 'neutral' and let it ride.  things like that.
increasingly more aware of/ok with the possibility of there being ghostpeople who live in the basement at my work who will be friendly towards me as long as i don't tell anyone about them
father/daughter dance at a wedding to 'they all must be slaughtered' by melvins

9.3.15

anti-cocaine campaign where you just show real footage of people talking/interacting while on cocaine
much love to the compacted gray snow that will still survive another month, even through the melting
people who treat their kid like a superstar/friend in public vs people who treat their kid like another member of the public
much love to the lady using a walker passing by the shoe store with her man, who said, 'nah fuck that, them shoes old as i am' and kept walking.
recommend going to the kmart near ashland and division for their 'going out of business' sale if you need draws or socks or dickies or even tshirts with rude sayings on them
much love to whoever has been tagging 'fake culture' on stuff
living out your hollow, unjust, disrespectful and conceited fantasies through contemporary pop-culture rap music
sequel to/remake of 'little mermaid' where i live underwater and i'm ursula's sex/love-slave and personal assassin and it's mostly just me telling her how awesome and pretty she is and like, painting her nails for her and combing her hair and then at one point she's like, 'oh yeah, i hate ariel go kill her' and i catch ariel and her dude on a romantic boat-ride and pull them both underwater and bring them to ursula and then i just sit there smiling with my eyes wide open while ursula crucifies and tortures them both.
dreamed jereme dean and i were picking up endless pieces of broken glass off the floor at my parent's.

IMPROVISED OVERLY NEGATIVE REVIEW #11: MY BOSS (IN REGARD TO THE B.O. SITUATION)

yeah motherfucker that IS me. and no, i don't need money for deodorant. but guess what, i smell that way because i work hard doing my job and most of yours, you ungrateful fuck! FUCK YOU, YOU SUCK!
that constant feeling of being alone against a world of groups who will, if they can, completely use and destroy you
coping mechanism of imagining someone slicing down the middle of your head with a sword
coworker was reading an article on her phone and told me the title and without ever having read anything on 'buzzfeed' i guessed it was buzzfeed and then read the article with her and felt dizzy and sick and then hollowed out and alienated.
self-help book titled, 'if you think i'm harsh and condemning to other people, you should see how i treat myself!'
the feeling of outrage when witnessing others outrage at a small inconvenience during their completely recreational/fun outing/event
people are way more intelligent, respectful and classy at fastfood places than at co-ops/farmer's markets
writing class called 'don't be an asshole to people just because you don't have anything to work on 101'
the standard for respect and manners now is so low you can blow someone's mind by just holding the door for them

more important to be natural and change if you discover you don't like something about yourself rather than knowing what people don't want to see/hear and tiptoe around it
willing to split custody of  a lifesize mike ditka cutout if someone helps me steal it from the al's on milwaukee ave.
Dark Lord, as we approach this st. patrick's day weekend, i ask you to take your foot off my throat and allow me to exemplify your glory to any and all drunk bros wearing tiny green plastic hats who fuck with me at work.
he put on his umbros and dago-t and said, 'let's fucking party'...only there was no one to party with
that shit where you can't wait to have a day off and then within seconds of waking up on  your day off you blink a few times, stretch your legs, and--staring at the ceiling--think, 'fuck, now what.'

8.3.15

gg allin's performances make more and more sense
that calming change from wanting to lash out at everyone and everything to just wanting to have nothing to do with it

5.3.15

IMPROVISED OVERLY NEGATIVE REVIEW #11: GUY AT THE BAR

man i tell you what, if i didn't think you were already cool standing there in plain view of the entire liquor selection of the bar but still listing obscure scotches for the bartender to tell you the don't carry, i sure do now that you're recounting stories of how insane you and your friends were in college! NOT NOT NOT! i wasn't expecting that one story to end with all of you very drunk and doing something mildly perverted to each other or one of your other friends! WHOA! and that one about 'McHaley' or whoever, fuckk! you're saying he had SEX with that one girl!? (record scratching stopped sound). DAMN DUDE! i wanna party with you guys, except NOT! more like i want to hit you all so you have a place tht hurts on you! you dummies! have fun at your high-paying bogus ass business jobs! FUCK YOU, YOU SUCK!

IMPROVISED OVERLY NEGATIVE REVIEW#10: LOUD GUY IN LINE AT THE POST OFFICE/GOVERNMENT FACILITY

damn dude, you're right, i didn't think about it, but you're right, if they opened up another window, the line would move more quickly! holy shit! because you're the only one waiting right?! how could we all be so rude and not just let you go right ahead. why, they should open up a special window, manned at all times, 24/7, solely for you just in case you stop by and forgot how to wait patiently like an adult! NOT! YOU SUCK, DUDE! what's that? 'this is ridiculous'? you know what, you're right, ONLY YOU'RE THE THING THAT IS RIDICULOUS YOU RIDICULOUS DUMMY! so shut the fuck up and stand in line like a good little fuck, or i'll pull you to the back of the line by your stupid neck you BAD PERSON WITH NO MANNERS! because i'm sure the employees aren't dealing with assholes like you all day! BOTTOM LINE: FUCK YOU, YOU SUCK!
still looking for that same thrill artistically as when my brother and i would record ourselves burping into a handheld tape recorder
should've become a veterinarian

IMPROVISED OVERLY NEGATIVE REVIEW #9: MOTHERFUCKERS WAITING TO GET ON THE BUS/TRAIN

hey, no, don't worry about it, i'm sure these old people and disabled people will have no problem walking right through you, or over that snow embankment you're forcing them to climb! maybe next time just rush right onto the bus/train and knock all of us over so you ccan...what, get a good seat? is that what this is about?! how about i sit you down on my boot you fucks! when the fucking bus/train stops and the doors open, take a few steps back/to the side and let us off, then you can scurry in and take seats like little punks, even though you're mostly younger and perfectly capable of standing for ten minutes while you dick around on your phone playing videogames or whatever. you know what, maybe we should just put a device in the bus/train that fires old people out of the top/back so they won't be in the way? would you like that, you sick fucks!? fuck outta here with that shit you assholes! YOU"VE BEEN WARNED!
that classic test, 'do i actually care about this or have i just not orgasmed today?'

IMPROVISED OVERLY NEGATIVE REVIEW #8: THE STRAWBERRY INCIDENT

hey, roommate...how were those strawberries you didn't pay for!? at least give me an idea of what i missed out on! no, it's cool, i mean, when i bought them it was more of a 'well, i'd LIKE to eat these but whatever' kind of thing, but i'm glad someone enjoyed them. NOT! is this because i took a single slice of your american cheese? i hardly think the two are to be equated, you son of a bitch! wanna know the fucked up thing....you could've had as many as you wanted if you just asked...BUT I GUESS YOU COULD DO THAT WITHOUT ASKING TOO HUH, YOU SICK FUCK! don't be surprised to find a new package of strawberries on the kitchen table when you get home one night, with a note that says, 'take what's left of my heart.' YOU"RE DEAD TO ME. FUCK YOU!!
apologies to anyone who saw me eating that soup at the grocery store cafe today.
the version of yourself that laughs at and mocks the uptight/serious/angry version of yourself but is actually way more aggressive
realizing you've been referring to your spaceheater and humidifier as your 'babies' in your head
here's a fun tip: do a little tidying up wherever you are once in a while, even if at the store or wherever, you won't be disappointed! <3 p="">
recommend--at random and with people you know and don't really know--turning your head to the side and pointing to your cheek/tapping it for them to kiss
well, it took me a while--and a lot of suaveness--but i can finally say my roommate's dog is cool with me kissing her on the lips.
'dollar tree' on chicago and ashland is, quite simply, a pure delight to experience. from the well-stocked and tidy aisles, to the more than reasonable prices, and the courteous and genuine staff, i will certainly be returning there.
if you're too cool or whatever to put on some music you like and act like youre performing the various instruments in front of an audience while in your room alone then fuck
one of the only things that makes me want to 'party' is an old hispanic woman in a fedora
gettin so much heat from the old ladies by letting them cut in line at the grocery store.
disclaiming any author photo where i'm not wearing a dago-t
my beloved sock mama

4.3.15

good read on how the mayweather/pacquiao fight was finally signed.
the way you cn't ever look at yourself without hating it/thinking you're ugly--no matter what people tell you--because you look a lot like your dad
underwear and socks: cheaper to wash/dry or buy anew at the dollar store, the truth might surprise you
getting a dog to wag its tail from across a couple rooms by raising your hands (palms up) slowly toward the ceiling.

3.3.15

if anyone ccan help me set up an instagram account for my drawings, email me   sampinkisalive    at  g  mail  DOT com.  i think you have to have a smartphone to do it.  so i'd just email you pictures and you'd put them up.
deep connection with that scene at the end of 'the fly' where the fly crawls up and grabs the barrel of the shotgun his ex gf is holding and puts it up against his head
that shit where you find an alternate word doc of something, titled something like "34jf'n" because your cat walked on the keyboard
the best part of these dollar store underwear is i didn't even have to open the package, it was already open
judging by the correspondences i receive, my fanbase is mostly suicidal high-school/college-aged females.
that shit where you realize you have to relax your face muscles because you're making a pained face without knowing it
co-writing a romance novel if anyone is interested in publishing it.
everyone's favorite game, 'is that my b.o. or is there a big mac close by?'

a review

'your a sexy genius with a huge cock'

2.3.15

slowly filling up my closet with one rock at a time seems appealing
when the thing sitting next to you on the bus to work is a ripped up cracker jack prize and you smile at it
always easy to tell the sexually-boring/sexually-bored writers by how much sex they write about.
that inexplicable/involuntary laugh when someone asks if you're on [dating website/app]
watching/listening to two people compare/contrast/discuss their selfie sticks.
that shamelessly unaware shit where someone tweets or quotes (with enthusiasm) when some celebrity recommends their book. a person they don't even fucking know or have any relation to
when you analyze it, commercially successful writers (even minor ones) are mostly just successful among their peers in the writing world, where everyone supports each other and no one outside of the circle understands or cares.
with so many outlets for shit now writers are more like wannabe celebrity-apes than anything else
feeling a sudden brightness inside when realizing you're ready to reject everyone in a way that makes you understand when you thought that before you were not even close
that funny moment in interviews where the author breaks ''badass' character to slip into 'writer abstractly expressing what writing does or should be'
'hasn't won any awards or prizes' would be a funny bio
'(something kooky), (something meant to be 'dangerous'), and (something sexual): an interview with (author)'
going through the rest of life only communicating with--aside from silence/handsignals--a voice-box that says, 'i dont identify with that, leave me alone.'

IMPROVISED OVERLY NEGATIVE REVIEW #6: SWIFFER

hey, swiffer, you're my roommates and i found you in the closet but all i'm saying is, what the fuck are you!? why aren't  you just a broom and a mop?  are you ok with acting like you aren't aware that you're convincing people that using a broom and mop is too hard? YOU SUCK! YOUR NAME SUCKS TOO! sounds like a cartoon dog! HA! FUCK YOU I HATE YOU!
when you express yourself unbound to any group or identity other than you, many different kinds of people will relate and reach out
would anyone be willing to donate to a kickstarter for sending me away on a retreat so i can just clear my head and finish these troubling troubling edits!?
i've never wanted to be treated equally in situations where i was not being treated equally and i've never wanted to be treated equally in situations where i was being treated equally and i've never wanted to be treated equally in situations where i benefited from inequality.
controversy now seems both way more prevalent but not at all real/lasting
always easier to just hate the person who says something you don't want to hear rather than accept the thing you don't want to hear
get a lot of questions about 'how to publish' or something like 'how to be successful with writing and art' and i have no idea (i'd ask people who publish through a bigger publisher, do paid readings at universities, write for magazines, influence others through their twitter or whatever else perceived wealth of power) but i will highly highly recommend not associating/networking/interacting with whatever scene is going on around you, specifically the people that it comprises. it is poison and essentially no different from the bullshit politics/power interactions at your workplace, or normal group of friends, or whatever else. very unreal and mostly mired in the fucked-up egos of those playing
all group politics/workings are inherently crooked and unfair, even if going against a larger and more crooked/unfair group. they all share the same weakness and compensation for that weakness in the form of being unjust  

1.3.15

one of the only times i feel like i'm looking at a soulmate is when really bad kids are getting scolded by their mom and they make that face where they put their bottom teeth over their top lip and open their eyes wide and let them roll back and stretch the cords in their neck and shake their head side to side
new type of greeting card that says, 'just wanted you to know...' on the front, and then inside it says, 'that the way you messed me up has ultimately worked in my favor and i kind-of thank you but don't ever fuck with me again or i'll kill you, you bastard.'
reality show called 'kiss my ass!' where contestants stand in front of a wall with three large holes, through which three asses are protruding, and then have to pick one to kiss and then they get whatever mystery prize goes with the ass, and one is a nice trip somewhere and the other two are just cards that say, 'shame on you.'
those tender personal moments where you realize how inaccurately paranoid you are and let it slide with a 'oh fiddlesticks' face and a little wink to yourself
free material for the next batman movie:

batman walks up to joker and is like, 'hey joking-guy, quit being a jokester and try this bat, man!' (then decapitates the joker with one swing of the bat and the joker's head lands in a garbage can and a dude walking by holding a boombox up to his ear laughs and says, 'hole in one, my man!' and then pisses into the garbage can and batman comes up and says, to the boombox guy, 'hey, quit joking around, you joke-guy and try this bat, man!' and knocks the boombox off his shoulder and the guy's like 'what the fuck' but doesn't say it because he's just glad he didn't get hit in the head with the bat and then batman tries to kiss him but he runs away and more stuff happens but i don't know what else.)